Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Albatross]

I am sorry about the hard time you are having, Feeling Sad, and I just wanted to let you know I am reading along too.

I am just mad. Mad that I can't just snap out of it. It appears that it is going to be life-long. I hate being afraid. I hate missing my son. I hate feeling weak. Some warrior. I should turn my cape in.

We have all earned our capes, Feeling, but you have in particular. You have so many challenges, from so many different directions. Though you do not feel heroic right now, from my view you are rocking that thing.

 

[New Leaf]

Hello Feeling,
I apologize for not writing sooner, I have been going through so many different phases with hubs passing. Life has been non-stop with bills to pay, work, sons activities, etc., etc. Sometimes I feel like everything has gone to hyper speed and I am on the outside watching myself, like a movie or something. Does that make any sense at all? It feels like I have no time to process this overwhelming grief that sometimes just wells up inside and catches me off guard at the oddest moments. So, I would open up CD and read and it became too much for me, on top of everything else. I may need to become a hermit for awhile. I don't know if I am even explaining myself correctly?
I am so sorry you are wrestling with fear. I don't think I can begin to comprehend the torture of that. There was a time when I was younger and hubs was drinking too much. He was not a happy drinker. I wouldn't know what to expect when he came home. I would lie in bed consumed with worry. The refrigerator motor would turn on, and I would think it was his car and my heart would pound out of my chest. It was a horrible feeling.
It took awhile but I finally said no more and we went to counseling, well that's the short of it.....
Feeling, there is not much you can do on that end of this. Your son is out there, and he did threaten you, yes. But, there are things you can do at home? Yes? I know people have mentioned pets, but you have allergies. The Chinese Crested? Oh Feeling, at least you would have another being there with you. One of my friends has terrible allergies, she now has a little hypo allergenic dog and absolutely adores her.

I do not feel that I deserve to have fun when my son is out there some place being tortured by his cruel voices.

I will stand on the mountain and shout out to the winds to reach you.......BALDERDASH! FEELING!!!!YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE VALUABLE!!!!!!Do you know why Feeling? And anyone out there who is struggling with their mentally ill or drug addicted adult child out there........There are resources for them. You may argue the point that your son is schizophrenic, that it is not his choice for the voices and everything else. My daughter, for whatever reason is out there too, Feeling. Am I to feel the same way? My husband is dead. Should I never seek joy again because terrible things are happening to my grandchildren? Sometimes I feel this way, how can I have a rest of my life when my two, my grands are suffering so. It is not entirely any one of their faults? Addiction is not a choice, they say, it is a disease. Yes, very different from schizophrenia, but still and then, how much has meth ravaged my eldest's mind? She has threatened me as well, Feeling, not to the extreme you have suffered with your son, but enough for me to fear what she may be capable of. Feeling. For the love of God Little Bird, find something, some way, some how to climb up out of this. You are worth fighting for. I am fighting for you and me. You know why Feeling? It is not selfish to try and live well, despite what is going on with our kids. It is self sustaining, self preservation, and these are the qualities we hope with our last might that our kids may one day possess. What rest of our lives do we have in our fifties? I am shouting from the mountain side, Feeling, can you hear me? I am trying to claw my way up to the top.......still.

I am just mad. Mad that I can't just snap out of it. It appears that it is going to be life-long. I hate being afraid. I hate missing my son. I hate feeling weak. Some warrior. I should turn my cape in.

Don't you DARE turn your cape in. What warrior does not go through the emotions you are Feeling right now? Stop writing the end of the story, because it is not. It may be lifelong that you are dealing with all of this, me too, Feeling. We have no control over what life throws at us. The only control we have is how we react. From what I have read in your posts, Little Bird, you are capable of so, so much. You have been dealt some terrible, terrible blows.
There is a reason why you are still here.
There is a reason.

There is a reason for all of us here.
Many, many hugs
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling. I have to leave the house NOW, but wanted to say a few things.

First, I am very much like you in terms of achievement, despite core trauma which has never been addressed.

Second, I have come to believe that regular therapy does not get to what we experienced, which is stored in the body and has to be released through the body.

Third, I believe now that despite knowing this, and working lifetimes to resolve this, this traumatic core is accessed in a far different way. I have been reading about somatic therapies to deal with trauma. In theory we can work on this without therapists by mobilizing the forces in our bodies, that have existed since times primordial. Look for books by Peter Levine (psychologist and some other type of scientist I do not remember, and a psychiatrist named Van Bessel, or something like that.

If you go to amazon.com and enter somatic treatment for trauma, both people will come up.

The Rabbi Spiritual Director I am talking with mentioned authentic movement for somebody like me. She had been previously a dance and movement therapist working with traumatized people. There are no people versed in this near me, but I think you live in a place where there are people.

I will check back with you later. We can do this, Feeling. I will do it with you.

We will have hope.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Leafy, Copa, and Albatross. I was just starting to try to go to sleep when I read your posts. Thank you. I feel a little more brave and hopeful.

Leafy, you have gone through so much. Yes, I completely understand about time moving so very fast and always feeling like you are not quite caught up. I have left the site at times. Sometimes life is so over-whelming. Thank you, dear friend for the beautiful song. It was perfect!

I know what you mean about feeling sad at certain times. I could her a song or see something that jogged a memory and start tearing up. I have not lost a husband to death. It must be very difficult to be on your own, and yet, still be having to face the issues of your difficult children. It is hard enough, I hear, to start to live without your spouse. Thank God that you have your wonderful son to keep you going forward.

Yes, we will all get through this. I stopped for awhile after the Washington Post contacted me on this site in a private conversation. I contacted him. I felt torn, but I said no because I did not want my ill son to read his name online. He is paranoid that people are trying to spy on him on the internet. Also, I would not want my other two sons to have it all out in public and be embarrassed. In addition, I continue to be afraid of repurcussions from the police. All 3 officers that came out that first night lied to their commanding officer and said that they had offered to come in, but that I turned them down. Lastly, I live in a small town. We do lockdown drills all of the time. How would the district or parents feel about having children in my class with a possibly violent man out there who might try to kill me?

I felt very bad about my decision. Yes, it was best for my family. But, I had a chance to perhaps affect a change in the mental health system. Or, at the very least, draw more attention to an important subject. I felt like I sold out other parents or ill adult children in need of help. I don't know. I need to do something. I wrote a senator. You cannot do anything unless you are willing to give your name and explicit details.

I am feeling horrible because I hate that the one who I am afraid of is the one that I miss the most...my ill son. I cannot think of a more cruel dichotomous situation for a mother. I will probably die not ever seeing him again. That is why I believe in life after death. I hope that I can see him on Earth when I am in Heaven. I could then see if he is eating enough or is feeling scared.

We all go through such sheer torture. Leafy, it broke my heart when you wrote about your daughter taking showers in a stall. Yes, addiction is mental illness and meth is absolutely horrible. Yes, it ravages the mind.

As mothers, we are hardwired to care and protect our offspring. It is foreign to do otherwise. We have lost our 'babies' and want to care and nurture them. Yes, we have a right to our own lives. Yes, time is slipping away. But, yet, we still ache and yearn for our precious children to get better and be safe.

I hate that houses settle and creak at night. We will all get through this. Thank you, dear friends.

Albatross, I will keep my very tattered cape on.

Copa, I will check into somatic therapy.

Leafy, Balderdash is not used nearly enough. Yes, I could 'hear' you from here!

 

[BusynMember]

Feeling Sad, due to a gifted medium I see once a year or every other year, and a ton of reading and online education, there is no conclusion I can draw logically except that our conscienceness (which is energy) lives on forever in various spiritual realms. I have learned to think with my true self too and ignore the ego which has made me sad. Hard to explain but I'm happy and have she'd most of my fears like snake skin.


This medium can accurately describe those who have crossed and give other details that she could never have known if she had not been seeing and hearing from my so called deceased loved ones. This started way before computers were available. She knew nothing except my name. She told me to hush and listen because talking to her made her not be able to concentrate
She asked me nothing and have me names, events and even talked as if she were channeling the person. She is not alone in her gift, which is hard to disprove if you go through it.


I no longer believe in death being finality except on earth for this incarnation. If you are laughing, disregard this. If you are interested in this very hopeful and logical belief system (think near death experiences) read We Don't Die by Georgre Anderson. It started me on my exploration.

You can also read a former skeptics website called Best Psychics by Bob Olson. He has gone from skeptic to believer after testing so many mediums. I love him.

So maybe open your mind to the possibility that your sons and your life were planned to be difficult before birth to teach needed lessons from past lives and that you will unite again. And your sons will be well.

Not fearing death has changed my life. Talk to people who had NDEs and they will tell you that the spirit world is beautiful and that death doesn't scare them anymore.

I hope maybe you can explore to keep your mind busy and also to find hope. I did not mean to say this is the only way to believe to anyone who might be offended. I honor every religious belief. I think most of them bring similar messages.

Feeling Sad, I hope better days are ahead and that sharing did not upset you. I never intended that.

 

[Copabanana]

I was just starting to try to go to sleep

Feeling. Can you tolerate an anti-anxiety medication, like Xanex or the generic? I am taking .5 mg to sleep and I sleep through the night. (After stopping the dementia-inducing Benadryl, before the onset of more severe symptoms.)

But, I had a chance to perhaps affect a change in the mental health system.

I think you made the right call, Feeling.

Do you think that there would be the same potential dangers and repercussions to your job, if it were known that your sister had paranoid schizophrenia? I believe it would be good for you to go public and to do advocacy, but not to do so alone, but with the support and protection of other people. Kind of like the 9/11 widows/families did, or the Sandy Hook parents/families. These people protect and support each other. Only they, one another, can truly understand, truly. They lobby aggressively and have the capacity to hire attorneys to protect the group, the cause and each other.

You have done nothing wrong. Discrimination against you would be illegal. Parents have no right to attack you personally. While our sons could not be teachers, what does that have to do with us, really? Not a thing in the world. What you describe is a Salem witch hunt. I believe your fear of attack and censure might be related to your childhood experience and the insistence of your parents to act like nothing was wrong and to tell no one. Your fear of attack while realistic, also has roots in your traumatization.

You did the right thing vis a vis the Post, I think. But I would support you to think about someday seeking out a group of family members who know first hand your experience. And do advocacy. Political advocacy.

I will probably die not ever seeing him again.

Why do you torture yourself this way?

Feeling. You do not know this. You fear it. You do not know it. You may see him tomorrow. You do not know. Really. Stop this, please.

 

[AppleCori]

FS,

I'm glad you are still here with us.

Were you able to have Thanksgiving with your youngest son?

 

[Feeling Sad]

A past principal of mine asked me why I went into sp. ed. I told her that I had a schizophrenic sister. She told not to ever mention that again to the district or anyone.

I believe that people fear that, you to, would become psychotic.

We practice for lockdown/shooter drills. In fact, the last in service was run by the same 'crisis trained' officer that came to my house 6 days later and found that a 5150, involuntary commitment, was not warranted. I just sat there and didn't believe a word they said. "Contact us if any student starts to act strange...out of the ordinary"... Right...

I have 3 friends at school, all sp. ed. paraeducators. One has a schizophrenic sister, one has a schizophrenic cousin, and one has a schizophrenic father in law.

The school could easily trump up something about me and let me go. If I told them that my son was delusional and I had to file a restraining order because he might kill me, it would not be taken lightly.

No, once I retire. In our culture there is so much stigma. I can give my name after I retire. My district is very conservative. Yes, they can make up something to let you go. The union is useless.

Copa, I wanted to try and work through my trauma by safely 'reliving' it, which is the essence of somatic therapy. But, my therapist said that I get too anxious. That is the point, isn't it? To be able to revisit in small safe increments until my body does not react that way anymore. I feel that I need to do this because self-soothing with deep breathing, as I am crawling out of my skin in fear, is not working. When I think I hear someone in the house and my heart starts pounding, turning on sixties music would not be helpful. I need to get to the root of the problem.

I used to take ativan once a month to help to relax so I did not have my simple partial seizures from my craniotomy, transitory loss of feeling on my right side, due to fear and stress. Both benadryl and ativan were on the list of medications that can cause dementia in the study. I am screwed. I have been taking one or the other for years...

I should feel more peaceful knowing that a form of 'life' continues after death. I have been highly psychic since junior high. I read a study that postulated that when someone needs to be hypervilIgant to stay alive, i.e.the threats of death from my schizophrenic sister, one can become psychic. The theory goes that I needed to be alert to any nuisance or perception. Whatever the reason, I have precognition, and it scares me. I do not like having it. I hoped that it would go away after I had my tumor removed, but it didn't.

But, I thus believe in things out of the realm of science or popular culture. Not all things can be explained or proven. But, then now being alone, I am literally afraid of things that 'go bump in the night'.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling: No. The Ativan and Vialium or Xanax are not associated with dementia.

WEDNESDAY, Feb. 3, 2016 (HealthDay News) -- Taking one of a class of anti-anxiety pills that includes Ativan, Valium or Xanax does not increase older adults' risk of dementia, a new study finds.

I wanted to try and work through my trauma by safely 'reliving' it, which is the essence of somatic therapy. But, my therapist said that I get too anxious. That is the point, isn't it? To be able to revisit in small safe increments until my body does not react that way anymore.

No. I think what you are describing and suggested to your therapist is cognitive behavioral therapy.

Somatic therapies are different. They involve bilateral movement (such as walking, typewriting, needlework, artwork, running, etc. and such movement in itself can be deeply therapeutic when one holds in one's mind the trauma and pain that we seek to release.) They work with the fear that is already there. The discharge does not involve the thoughts, so much as discharging the tension, trauma, fear held in the body.

I believe sincerely that posting helps me discharge trauma, by the bilateral movement engaged in through typing while holding difficult thoughts and emotions.

One of the books (I bought it) is called: Walking the Tiger, I think. Something like that, by Peter Levine. The title struck me because animals probably do not remember much cerebrally about the events that terrify them, and indeed do not have to relive the events that have traumatized them, in mental imagery. But animals--think about it--have to face things that frighten them because of past trauma--over and over again. To live. They cannot hide out in their beds like me.

The way early humans, and mammals discharge their trauma somatically is through bilateral movement. They have a generalized fear as do you...but they run, and run and run...and discharge their fear, that is held in their bodies.

You can download free samples of some of these books to a kindle device or to your computer. Or as I did, just read the reviews of the highly rated books. Many of the reviews are from people who have suffered for many decades. And this approach worked when they despaired that nothing else would.

I will read a book with you, if you want. Somewhere in the house I have the Tiger book. You do not have to involve your therapist. She may not know about this work. But it is not the same as you describe, which can involve emotional flooding--that the last thing you want.

As a young woman I made a mistake-in trying to help myself I went to a psychoanalyst. This form of therapy involves the triggering of intense feeling and regression. I could not do it. He and I both blamed me. Well, this was the last therapy I should have done with a history of childhood trauma. I understand what your therapist is saying--but I think you and she discussed a form of therapy different from this, which is very new. And very effective. For myself, I do not think it would be risky.

I am considering it and I am also considering dance and movement therapy, particularly Authentic movement as I described. If it was available where I live I would do Art therapy, which I believe is safely expressive and one can indirectly get outside of oneself the trauma one holds within.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Check www.new-synapse.com

It has articles about Peter Levine and about trauma in general. I was speaking about titration and pedulation. He speaks about doing exercises to get in touch with yourself and feel more grounded in the present sensations to feel safe. I have tried some and they seem to help.

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you, Feeling. I just checked it out. Looks very, very promising. I admire this woman, her courage to heal.

grounded in the present sensations to feel safe. I have tried some and they seem to help.

Good.

I am going to look right now if there is a therapist near me (100 miles) who does somatic experiencing therapy.

Thank you, Feeling.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, the Harvard study mentioned benadryl and ativan as causing dementia.

The synapse site has several exercises that you can do on your own. They helped me feel better. Thank you for mentioning Peter Levine.

 

[Copabanana]

the Harvard study mentioned benadryl and ativan as causing dementia.

What about Xanex (what I am taking) or Valium? I will look for the latest research. The study I found was 2016. I will look for a literature review.

I am sleeping so well with .5 of Xanex. I was waking every day between 3 and 5 am at the latest, and could not get back asleep. Sat up straight in the bed.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling. You will find this article, in full, at Forbes.com. But first I want to insert my understanding of the issue. What these researchers are speculating is this: people who are in the early stages of dementia have sleep issues. They turn to these drugs, to treat the sleeplessness which is a symptom of dementia. The dementia causes the sleeplessness. The pills do not cause it.

2/4/16 Title: Anxiety medications Valium, Xanax and Ativan May not lead to Dementia After all.

Alice G. Walton

(Somehow the first sentence was cut off.)

• study again found that benzodiazepines–Ativan, Valium, and Xanax–which are often used to treat anxiety and sleep problems, were linked to increased risk for Alzheimer’s disease in elderly people. This week, another study was published, finding that in the highest doses the same medications are not linked to any increased risk for dementia. And if there is a risk, the authors say, it may be because people with the earliest symptoms of Alzheimer’s, which happen to be anxiety and insomnia, may be treated with the very drugs in question. Which makes the connection all the more difficult to tease apart. (continued at the Forbes.com Site)

 

[Feeling Sad]

I do not want to risk it having had a brain tumor of unknown origin makes many things suspect. I think that drugs that 'turn down' your brain maybe 'turn' it down permanently after they are taken daily for several years. I have no idea. I took benadryl daily for over 3 years, so I stopped. I took ativan about twice a month when my ill son was violent so that I would not have simple partial seizures, staying awake but losing feeling, which can be brought by stress or fear.

I won't risk anything that it suspect. I still eat sugar free candy because of my blood sugar levels. That is bad for you, as well. I guess that it is best to cut back on most things and just use sleep aid drugs in moderation.

But, I understand. It is the chicken or the egg question.

It is like with Alzheimer's when they find a high amount of aluminum in the brain during autopsies. Does the disease cause excessive aluminum, or does excessive use of aluminum products cause the disease? UCLA advises you not to drink out of aluminum soda cans, use aluminum pans, or use anti-perpirant because it contains aluminum chloride.

I think that melatonin is safe because it is present naturally in our bodies. But, it gives me horribly graphic dreams, so I don't use it.

'Pleasant dreams'... I am going to be zombie for work tomorrow.

 

[Copabanana]

I think that drugs that 'turn down' your brain maybe 'turn' it down permanently after they are taken daily for several years.

Well. I am right there with you because I took the Benadryl for 3 years.

use anti-perpirant because it contains aluminum chloride.

I use these. I What am I supposed to do, stink?

My aunt was a health nut way before her time. From the time of her youth. Had she lived, she would be 100. But while she used the healthy deodorants, she and her husband stunk. Do you recommend a product, Feeling?

There is a fundamentally more important factor (vis a vis the sleeping aids) and that is that we find remedies to our lives, not just to our symptoms. I mean, I know we cannot fix our lives per se; I am meaning working on our being in our lives. Again, I do not mean as much thinking about our lives, or activities--but being in my own life. Where I locate myself in my own life.

I am seeing how much power there can be in where I locate power in my life. I used to assume (until just about 1 minute ago), pretty much without thinking. that control and power unilaterally were in me through what I did or did not do or how I did it. And then when I failed at something, or had a crisis, or the results were not what I wanted, I blamed myself. Or I looked at some external factor and blamed them.

Now, from about 3 minutes ago I am thinking somewhat differently.

Yes. It makes a difference, a big one, if I do reach out to people, for therapy, or support to exercise, etc. But until now I have been immobilized because of what the consequences could be. I could not like them; it could not work, etc. And then who would be holding the bag, of these averse consequences? Me. I can almost not bear more bad results to carry in my basket. Sometimes I think the best result of Alzheimer's is almost not so bad, because at least my cognitive impairment will render me to some extent unaware.

I have been thinking a bit about trust. I seem to say more often than I should that I do not trust people, much, especially therapists. So, I have been rethinking this. Because when I say that I am saying that I do not trust my self. To evaluate. To protect. To discern. To choose to stay, leave or to modify. I guess, by saying I do not trust, I am saying too that I do not trust life. Which is about the most stupid and counterproductive attitude I can imagine having.

Which is really the point.Trust is not about trusting in others. Or even in myself. I am debating now whether I see trust as an orientation or attitude or whether it is a belief, or more than belief, like George Bush said, being a decider. Honoring one's decisions, independent of rightness or not. and standing in that space. Or said another way, standing in your space, and honoring your decision. Right or wrong.

M does this really, really well. (or not well, depending upon vantage point.) He makes decisions very well, which is not to say he makes good decisions. I have seldom see him spend time or energy in self-blame. He makes the decision and there it is. He neither wastes much time blaming himself or anybody else. He just keeps making decisions, and more, and more. He believes in himself as a decision-maker. So he can produce decisions quite admirably. He wastes no time in regret...just in making better decisions, from the new point he is at.

He is very forgiving of our choices with my mother, not because we were one hundred percent right, but because we tried our very best to make the best decisions we could, from the deepest place within us, our love and our responsibility. He is the first to say we made errors. But he quickly follows that with: But we made many ciertos too. Many good decisions. He sees things as a process. And he is proud of both of us for our journey with my mother. And he is especially proud of me. He has said things to me that show he believes I am a model of integrity, love and responsibility in how I took care of my mother.

What needs to happen now Is that I need to make a number of decisions about myself, that I have been putting off. For three years.

So what does all of this have to do with Aluminum in deodorant?

I see a strong commonality between us, Feeling. While we may conscientiously make specific decisions about this or that, I believe there are very crucial decisions that we could make, involving self-forgiveness, and creating safety and joy, that are rooted in self-care and respect and cultivation. Because we are worth it.

I have not worked this out here, but it is about where we locate ourselves, in our thinking about life, and the universe, and it is about discernment about where power is located. I am beginning to think about self-love, forgiveness, etc. is not about some entity, that I do for myself, to myself, which is to say, not a proactive thing. Which can always be blocked, or thwarted, or undone, *by ourselves or others. It may have something to do with passivity rather than action or resistance.. Stopping, surrender, acceptance, release. The down beat of the breath. And waiting. And listening.

Our lives have taught us to panic, Feeling. Taught us if we do not do something, or cannot do something. We are in great danger.

I do not understand this enough to post more here. But I am thinking that what help me is the decision to participate with others in order to practice discernment and deciding, so as to practice this process I am beginning to identify. That discernment can be way more than insight. It can be action too. It can be fused to action. But this practice must be rooted in acceptance of ourselves, and this process needs to be tethered to a process that is self-renewal. And it is this I do not know how to do.

It is to act and to choose from a different place than I have known before. And with that achieve a different ownership with my life, myself.

I will speak for myself here. Is living 5 years more or less, the point or is it that right now, I choose care of myself? Commitment to myself? That is where M has this nailed. He is committed to himself, through his decisions. His honoring his own ability to decide and to the integrity of his decisions, not in their correctness, but because they honor his commitment to self. He could care less if any one decision is right or wrong. He tries but he lets it go.

I asked him if in retrospect it was a mistake to leave MX 12 years ago. He answered, maybe the first decision, that lasted 15 minutes was wrong, but all the rest of them were good ones.

More and more I am understanding.

Is protecting myself by staying in bed, to avoid more mistakes, or being disappointed, or hurt--is withdrawing from life what I really want, to avoid defaults by others?

We had extreme trauma somewhere along the line, Feeling, maybe repeatedly. And we lost to some extent that core belief in our own ability to survive. I want to learn to cultivate that belief again in my core. That I can be OK. That the trauma had nothing to do with what I chose or did or did not do. That venturing out is not in the most primary sense, most important to get anything from anybody or for myself: it is about engaging in life to decide, to keep deciding, and to produce more and more decisions. It is about the integrity of the process.

Like M and I did with my mother. We honored her, and ourselves, and we honored life. Now I have to do learn to do that with myself. Maybe on some level I already know.

 

[Copabanana]

And we lost to some extent that core belief in our own ability to survive

Well, we did not lose that. We know we survived. But it is not about survival anymore, it is about peace. And maybe thriving. How would that be, Feeling, to believe you could thrive...after all is said and done...and maybe even hope too.

I believe you will see your son. I believe he is closer to thriving than he ever was in your house. I believe there is reason to hope.

My son is getting better, Feeling. He says it: You may not like the choice I just made but I am getting better. I am. You and M can think what you want. But I am getting better and better.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Wow. The was coming from a very true and honest aspect of yourself. Yes, I believe that we are fearful, of what may happen, perhaps. To trust people, or in a greater sense, life, we have to drop that hypervigilance.

Yes, I too analyze and blame myself for choices that I have made. Men, as a rule, don't to this, or at least the men that I have known. Our culture trains and rewards men to take charge. It is frowned upon if men waver in their decision, it reveals possible weakness. Women, carry the guilt and grow up being, at times, passive aggressive. We often are the peacemakers and view our actions from all angles.

How will this affect others? Will they become upset? We are trained to compromise. Men go out and 'hunt' and we stay home to care for hearth and home. I am simplifying our culture. It has changed a lot, but still not very much. If something is wrong with the child, the mother is blamed. These days, women must make a living, raise the kids, have dinner on the table, and look sexy while doing it. Do I sound cynical?

Yes, this is gleaned from many anthropology and psychology courses. Most doctors in the past were men. Most of the nurses were women. The nurses knew the answer, but had to communicate in such a way to make the doctor feel that he had come up with the idea himself.

My mother always told me to keep the house clean, keep the kids quiet, and put on a 'fresh face' before my husband came home. I was Donna Reed! What I am trying to say, I rarely, if ever in the past, just thought of myself. "What do I want ?' is not in my repertoire. Are my choices going to affect anyone? How will I be perceived? What would be the best choice for others?

Now, I am totally alone for the first time in my life. I am lost and disoriented. I would be content with not being petrified and, maybe, not being so sad. I hate coming home these days. I finished a class 2 weeks ago. I started 2 more. I need 12 more units to reach the top pay, 70 units above my degree and 2 credentials. I do not want to take classes, but they go by your 3 top paying years to calculate your retirement. I am too sad to concentrate. But, here I am, pulling A's and pushing myself.

Copa, I use Tom's deodorant from CVS. It has no aluminum chloride. It is from Maine. If it is very hot and I am going someplace special, I will splurge on using antiperspirant. I shower every day and use scented lotion from Bath and Body Works, on sale after Christmas.

I did some of the SE exercises of placing a hand on your heart and a hand on your stomach. I tried to feel all of the sensations and feel grounded. I waited until I felt a shift. I became aware of the edges of my body. I strangely felt safer. But, more importantly, I felt like I was worth being safe. That I had value because I am a person with presence...a deserving real breathing person. I was not running away with my fear. My mind was not racing. My heart was not pounding. I slowed down. I felt important and valued by me.

My therapist is always annoyed at me because I always say that I needed to keep my youngest son safe. I did not want my illl son to go to prison if he killed me. I didn't not want my ill son to feel guilty. I did not want my other two sons to miss me and feel resentment towards my il son.

But, where am I in this scenario? My therapist always implores, "But, you did not want to be killed? You wanted to be safe." I would reply, "I wanted to keep my son safe".

I really did not feel that I was in the equation. It could due to my numbing out or disassociation. I rarely felt fear. It would be unbearable to be mentally present through all of the years that my life was being threatened.

That last night, I felt the visceral fear of a hunted animal. But, later when talking to therapists, no. I experienced flashbacks and nightmares. I was scared or traumatized on a deep level, but with my ptsd, I don't feel true fear.

Now, with being alone, it is all coming to the surface. I cannot numb out.

After my exercises, I felt that I was worth being alive. It is good that I was not killed. It might seem foreign to others to read this revelation. No, I don't hate myself. Yes, I do have a low self-concept. But, it was more of a lack of feeling. I am starting to feel a little better about myself. I am starting to realize that I am doing the best that I am able.

My mantra about the trauma continues to be: it was not my fault, I could not stop it, and I didn't deserve it. I am starting to believe it more.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, thank you for saying that I might see my son again and that he is doing better out there than in his room. I still feel that I could have done something differently.

But, my therapist retorts, "Yes, you could have kept on trying. But, you also could be dead".

I have a half day sub tomorrow for my annual nonviolent crisis intervention refresher course.

There are two reasons that this is dredging up feelings.

Three years ago they accidentally put me in a course with beginners. You review holds to use on a student to keep him or her safe. These holds are rarely used. I was role modeling the perpetrator with an adult on each side. Well, they accidentally broke my rib. Yes, the humor is not lost on me. My rib was broken in the NONVIOLENT crisis intervention class. Incidentally, they also tore my brand new under wire bra...

But, last May I went to the class. My name was not on the sign up sheet. I was told that my school had made a mIstake and I did not need to take the refresher course yet.

I was glad, because I was wanting to go to the hospital to see my brother. I was to take him home. I had spent the day before with him in the hospital to have his defibrillator replaced. I arrived earlier than planned, at 8:30 instead of 11:30.

I went into the room to see my brother. He was having a breathing treatment with the mask. The nurses had told me that he had a rough night and had been a bit disoriented.

He started to say, with his mask on, that he didn't want them to bother me. I told him that I did not have to take the class after all and that I have a sub already.

He started to say something. I could not understand him with his mask on. I told him just to relax and breathe and that we would talk when he is done.

I wish that I could have understood what he had said. I wish that we had continued talking.

A moment later, he took several jerky gulps of air with his whole body heaving. He coded. He never woke up again. I had been in the hospital for only 2 minutes.

Yes, I was meant to be there.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Correction...75 units. I really am dragging my heels. I am not in the mind frame to be taking classes...sleep deprivation and stress.