Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Feeling Sad]

Back teaching. Great class, but I have no energy. I do not think that my students notice, but I am so profoundly sad and tired due to oack of sleep that I have to really push myself to be uplifting and perky. Last night I could not fall asleep until 3:00, and then I got up at 6:00 for work.

My second son, up North, texted me 2 weeks ago that he would see a doctor about his depression. He is still homeless and weighs only 112 pounds. He says that he does not want to deal with people, so although he has money, he lives in his car. I cannot ask him directly if he has seen the doctor via texts. He would not answer and I could lose contact for a few more weeks. No, the good old 'soft sale' approach works best. I am just not a 'soft sale' type of person. Sadly, I am more of a 'take charge' type of person... He still works and also has a reseach internship. I do not know what he plans to do this semester.

I have had very bad vertigo for the last 3 weeks. My neurologist placed 2 orders. The radiology department dropped the ball and never called me for the MRI with and without contrast.

I am almost a year late in having it done due to my depression, I suppose. It just 'slipped my mind'...pun intended!

I been waiting for my appointment...feeling dizzy and nauseous. I find it difficult to shampoo my hair because I have to close my eyes and the room 'spins'.

Finally...after 3 calls back, I have an appointment. They have to check to make sure that my brain tumor is not growing back. I go on Wednesday. I am probably fine. Stress and lack of sleep can cause vertigo. Also, past brain trauma; ie a tumor, can cause it.

I put a small amount in my schizophrenic son's joint account each month. I feel better knowing that he has food. I also know, this way, that he is alive. It seems so bizarre to write that...but schizophrenia is bizarre.

Three months ago, I was purchasing a burial plot next to my brother's. I do not want my sons to have to go through buying me a plot in the future when I pass away. I transferred $10,000 into my account, or so I thought... In my grief, I transferred the money into my ill son's account. I did not notice it for 3 weeks, until I discovered my account was low.

He had transferred $2,000 into a new account. I cannot get to it.

I am torn between annoyance and feeling hopeful. Yes, annoyed because he took $2,000. But, I feel hopeful because he used purposeful thought and reasoning. He probably figured out that it was a mistake. His account was almost empty the month before when my brother died. I forgot to put in a small amount of money. It probably scared him.

The purposeful thought and reasoning comes into the equation because he could have very easily taken all of the money... $10,000. He took only $2,000 and had the presence of mind to open an account of his own.

Yes, it was sneaky. But, when you worry every day about your schizophrenic son, this example of purposeful thought affords some small amount of peace of mind. I feel hopeful that he might be able to 'make it' out there. Others might not take advantage of him. At least. ..at the moment.

Some of you are probably saying to yourself that it was wrong of him and that I should be very angry. I'm not though.

I feel, all be it reserved, a little bit more hopeful. Sad, worried, guilty, tortured, but also a little bit more hopeful than I was last month...

I hope that this post finds the brave parents on this site possessing a little bit more hope, as well. We need to take it whenever, or wherever, we are able to find it.

Hmmm...peace of mind for a 'mere' $2,000...and people say that you can't put a price on things...

 

[mof]

Oh feeling sad...my heart goes to you and your pain for your son. It is an awful disease which is in my family. My Grandmother never got help, she did not like people and isolated herself.

I actually rejoiced with you too that he didn't take the money...silly, but I agree with you. He has feelings and a conscious.

You need to take care of you!!!! I know you wish you could sweep in and save him, but you can't even think of it when your ill.

There is hope, he could see the doctor and except the most help he ever has....He seems to function, so something could reach him. How tortured these poor inflicted people are...but your right, he has reasoning and knows you love him. I also believe in miracles of every kind.

I'm more worried for you...you love teaching a d you can't do that without physically strengthening you.

Promise you will do for you today, be kind, gentle, and compassionate for just you.

Hugs...tons...mof

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, MOF. Yes, schizophrenia is a horrible disease. I am sorry that it is in your family.

I have 2 sisters and my eldest son of 3 afflicted with it. I also had a great uncle in the 1930's that committed suicide...he could have had it.

My second son who lives up North is seriously depressed. After I had to file a restraining order on my schizophrenic son because he threatened my life, he took a nose dive. My schizophrenic son held a jagged bottle to my throat and had command hallucinations that told him to kill me.

My second son started to live in his car and did not pass a class. My fear is that he will also become schizophrenic. He is profoundly depressed. He still works 2 professional jobs and , hopefully, attends college.

One of my sisters became schizophrenic when she was 13, which was young. The other became schizophrenic when she was 52, which was old to become ill. My eldest son started at 23.

This makes me nervous because although there are general times when people become schizophrenic, it can really happen anytime.

My depressed second son has told me that he does not want to live. I feel helpless because he lives far away and is an adult. He is hurting very badly.

I need to be healthy to be there for my 3 sons. But, worry and guilt is wearing me down. I see a therapist and have attended NAMI. It is just very hard to let go because horrible things keep happening. I grew up always thinking the glass was half full. Lately, I see it as half empty...with a crack and filled with a toxic fluid... I am always waiting for the next problem.

I try to joke and be upbeat, but it is becoming more difficult to do so. My youngest son keeps me from falling apart.

I do not think that I would ever truly 'fall apart'. I never have. I wouldn't allow myself. But, all things are not mind over matter.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Feeling Sad, I'm so sorry. You have had and continue to have, way too much on your plate. I too understand your feelings about your son taking the $2000 and your response to that, I have a schizophrenic brother, so I am aware of "purposeful thought."

I grew up with mental illness too, it is throughout my family. It has it's very own devastation, grief and severe challenges, for not only the ones afflicted, but the entire family.

You're doing the appropriate things, therapy and NAMI, and I do understand completely how tough it is to let go "because horrible things keep happening." Mental illness brings "horrible" things to our door regularly.

Put yourself as the priority and focus on your needs......I know that's tough too, but it's what allows us to keep moving ahead. Do something kind and nurturing for yourself, every single day, buy yourself flowers, get a massage, have your nails done, have lunch with a friend, take a walk in the woods.....each nurturing moment we give to ourselves has HUGE results......take very good care of yourself, it is so easy to forget about our own needs when confronted with the massive needs of our mentally ill family members.

My heart goes out to you FS, sending you a big hug.......and prayers and warm wishes for you and your sons.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I wanted to share what my second son texted me.

"I'm ok. Please don't worry. Just don't worry. This is the best things can be right now. Thank you. I love you. Sorry for making you worry. I'm old! This is all me now. You were a great mom and didn't do anything wrong. I blame you because it is easier. But you were great. Bye".

I am feeling better.

 

[mof]

We will all take what we can get...so good. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Childofmine]

Feeling Sad...we are here with you. Keep posting whatever is going on with you. We care and we will walk alongside you through it all. You are not alone.

 

[Feeling Sad]

This post is important to me because he very rarely says that he loves me. He rarely texts me, for that matter. He very rarely talks about personal matters. He is also acknowledging that his actions make me worry. But, more importantly, he is taking the responsibility on himself. He is owning his actions.

 

[RN0441]

Feeling Sad

What a precious text from your son!

Sending you prayers and strength!

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am not doing very well. I can feel myself 'unraveling'. I only sleep about 3 hours a night with worry. My special education teaching job is very demanding.

I woke up last night at 4:00, after not falling asleep until 1:00. It dawned on me...when my son said, "Bye", did he mean forever? He has talked about not wanting to live. He has also said that he was going to cut ties because he could not help what he is going through and that it made him feel worse making me worry.

Was it just saying goodbye for now...or permanently? He has said that he felt like throwing his phone away.

My schizophrenic son cannot contact me for 4 more years, but I know that he will never contact me ever again. He has not contacted my youngest son by phone, who us not on the restraining order. His phone has had zero activity for the last year.

I cannot handle having 2 sons homeless and sleeping in their cars.

I go tomorrow for my MRI. I will have to wait for the reading to see if my tumor is back. I already went through one craniotomy. I do not have the emotional strength and fortitude to go through another one right now.

After my last surgery, when I get stressed, I have transitory loss of feeling on my right side; simple partial seizures. I stay awake, but lose feeling. I am going through a lot of them now due to my stress. I am physically falling apart.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi, FS

I am so sorry that you have so much stress right now.

How many days does it take to get your results back?

Do you have anyone there in your area to talk to?

 

[BusynMember]

You should not be alone.

Can you reach your younger son to tell him that you hope he will stay in your life...that you will miss him so much if he disappears?

 

[RN0441]

Feeling

My heart aches for you. So sorry for your pain.

You are going through way too much for one person to handle!!! Do you have any type of emotional support?

 

[mof]

Oh sweetie,

You need support. Do you have friends who will sit with you? A support group? Things are worse when you don't sleep.

This is to much for one person. I encourage you to reach out. I can pray for you and your sons...

We are here, but if I know if we could we would be there phhsi ally for you.

Hugs...

 

[AppleCori]

Hi FS,

How did your appointment go?

How are you doing?

Please let us know how you are.

We are worried.

Apple

 

[Feeling Sad]

Hi. I went in Wednesday after school. I had waited 3 weeks because my doctor had sent the radiology order to a different hospotal, one nearer to me. But, they never called me even with the complaint of being dizzy and nauseous. After 2 orders...I found out and changed it to the best hospital, where I b ad my surgery.

I was there, with my I.V. line in place for the second half with contrast. I am in the tube about 45 minutes. I was lying down on the table with my gown and she put foam around the sides if my neck.

I asked, "Aren't you going to use the 'cage' for my face", as they always have in the past. She said, "No, you are having a spinal for your resection". I told her, "No, I had a craniotomy to remove a left convexity meningiioma between my frontal and parietal lobes in my brain". I pointed to my skull where I have screws and a titanium plate. She said, "No, the doctor ordered a spinal".

With me lying there, she had to contact a doctor stat to change my order!

Did I tell you how I bought the plot next to my brother's when I bought his in mid May. After about 7 calls and over 3 months later, I come to find out that they sold me back my brother's single plot. He is plot 1 and I was supposed to be 2. My I.D. card that I was supposed to give my loved ones in their time of bereavement had my brother's burial plot's code on the front.

Ridiculous. I paid $17,000 for his very simple funeral, and my plot is $7,500.

You would think that they could get it right...

So, I am waiting for my results AND my proper burial plot...hopefully for the distant future.

I go on the 31st to hear the results. Next time, I will have my youngest son drive me to emergency instead of waiting and being dizzy for 3 weeks. The technician told me this, as well. She was very upset about the mix up. I would have had to wait another few weeks to have it redone.

I have not heard from my depressed son up North. He was very worried about my dizziness and I did not want to compound his own problems. So, I white lied and said that my brain checked out fine. He wanted to drive all the way down to help me. He is depressed enough. I wish that I hadn't told him about his schizophrenic brother being removed from the house with a restraining order. He would probably be doing much better right now.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this now. Prayers for a good outcome.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Feeling Sad- Is there any way you can retire, go on medical disability? It sounds like you could medically qualify. YOU are exhausted from stress and other ailments. Exhausted from worry for your sons. I pray that your test comes out with good news. It's so hard not to worry about our loved ones- but you have to try and focus on you. The years of worrying about your sons is taking a heavy toll on you. I understand your not being mad about the 2K son put into another account. He could have taken all of it. Some little joy in the snafu. YOU have been incredibly strong for many years- but at some point, your body and mind is going to tell you enough is enough. Please let us know here about your test
results and I pray over you and ask the Lord to place his hand over your life, your worries, your health, and relieve the stress you are carrying on your broad Motherly shoulders.

 

[AppleCori]

How are you doing, FS?

We are thinking of you.

I will be checking in all day tomorrow, so let us know about the test results when you can.



Apple

 

[Feeling Sad]

I do not have complete peace of mind, no pun intended, with the test results.

A spot enhanced by the contrast showed up where my surgery was performed. He read the images for the first time as i sat anxiously beside him. He said, "Hmmm, whats thIs?" He was concerned and kept looking at the different images. He said that it was very difficult to see behind the titanium plate. That it 'warped' the image. He was not extremely concerned, but rather cautious. The radiologist explained away the spot as past surgery healing or perhaps scar tissue from my surgery.

I need to go in sooner next time to be on the safe side. I have become used to uncertainties in my life...with my sons and my health. It just made me reflective. Dying concerns me because I won't be around to 'help' my sons, not that I can....

It is becoming more and more difficult to be upbeat. I am sure that I am fine, I just wanted a clean bill of health. I will try not to worry. Day by day. Thank you all for your thoughtful support.