Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[pigless in VA]

Must have been the sausage biscuit, SWOT.

I forgot to add that I am really going out of my comfort zone taking this train trip with Candy to Florida. I have a lot of health issues that make traveling difficult. Part of the reason I am pushing myself to do it, is that sometimes I need to remind myself that I am a capable adult. There is a strength in doing things when you feel more like hiding in a hole.

 

[Copabanana]

When it feels normal to hurt, then you can unconsciously push the kind people away. Their opposite treatment of you feels unfamiliar, abnormal and uncomfortable.

This is painful to read but so true. I believe I did this for much of my life. On some level I still do. I feel afraid around kindness and openness and love. I feel as if I am not enough, not good enough to be treated well. And that any moment the shoe will drop.

However much I challenge this belief, I still feel it.

I believe that my overriding purpose in the rest of my life is to deliberately challenge this falsehood, by concrete and sustained acts on my part to invite and to accept kindness and support into my life.

And that includes kindness and support by myself to myself.

This is what your thread, Feeling, means to me. Has come to mean to me. The exploration and the developing awareness of our unkindness to ourselves...a pattern we learned as children...and our challenge to this.

He routinely gives you the message that he doesn't want contact from you. How are you supposed to help him?

My son uses my love for him to gain advantage and power over me, and to put his negativity onto me,

When I feel vulnerable, this pattern crushes me. I seem still to not have the defenses or the self esteem to maintain myself whole. I abandon myself. I become the object of sacrifice, and I sacrifice myself, to regain equilibrium. I think this is a family systems problem. Everyone already dead or gone and I still try to sustain the family dynamic through scarifying myself at its altar.

I am so over the need to do this. Not. It seems I still very much need to go through this destructive charade.

Let me conclude with my restating how I began: to deliberately challenge this falsehood, that I do not deserve kindness from others and myself, will be my overriding purpose for the rest of my life. I will invite and accept kindness and support into my life as my primary purpose and reason to be.

Enough of this self-sacrifice. I am so over this....I hope.

 

[Copabanana]

I am really going out of my comfort zone taking this train trip with Candy to Florida.

Pigless. I am traveling by train across country on Saturday. I am afraid and dreading it for the exact same reasons. And I am going for the same reasons you are going with Candy.

Except M at the last minute decided he does not want to travel (issues about immigration matters, so I understand). So I go alone.

I have a lot of health issues that make traveling difficult. Part of the reason I am pushing myself to do it, is that sometimes I need to remind myself that I am a capable adult.

Exactly.

There is a strength in doing things when you feel more like hiding in a hole.

Yes.

When do you leave, pigless? I guess I need a sausage biscuit to shore me up. Sometimes the solutions are hiding in plain sight, right under ones nose.

Have a great trip, pigless.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Pigless. Yes, like Cola said, I feel that if he is suffering, that I should help him because it is my fault. He did have a bad childhood, not all of it, but some. I tried my best. I think that I can't get over my mother's guilt. I feel that I am responsible for all 3 of my sons. I feel guilty being in a bed while I now have 2 sons living in their cars.

The part that is so very frustrating is the he got a prescription finally and then dropped out of school and gave up the job offer they had lined up for him after doing research.

If he had just stayed on the antidepressants when he went up north to school. He would have done better. I think that finding out about my eldest talking with his voices about killing me and the restraining order pushed him deeper into depression. After that, he took a nose dive with his studies.

Yes, he is responsible for himself. So am I. In the past, I have been very positive, even though I have gone through difficult times. I have always bounced back. I am extremely Pollyannaish. Is that a word? Even after my brain surgery.

But, I feel that this time, it has taken more out of me. My ill son being gone has caused constant grief. It has almost been 2 years since I saw him or had any contact. I fear I never will again.

But now, I feel changed. I feel pessimistic. I am waiting for the next downfall. I also feel very guilty. I shouldn't. I was a very good mother overall. I was just a bit wounded. I have had a lot of trauma for the last 50 years. I should forgive myself and take care of myself like Wisernow wrote about.

I ache for both of my eldest sons. I miss my youngest being home, but he is very happy, so I am glad for him.

I am also alone for the first time in my entire Iife. The house is silent, empty, and spooky. All of my wonderful antique portraits look scary now. I just have too much time to reflect. I have to read several fat books for my summer seminars, but it is very difficult to concentrate. I have a lot of delayed maintenance, but I don't care right now. Besides, who is going to see it?

I can only be here for my middle son, if he wants to contact me. He texted me 3 or 4 times about dropping out in 10 minutes on Saturday, before I finally saw his last time he texted it. I hate texting and am very slow. I didn't see his other texts. I missed out on saying more. I miss voices on the phone. Texting seems so cold and distant. It makes me feel more lonely.

 

[Feeling Sad]

You are both taking train trips? You are going on Saturday, Copa? What is your destination? I forgot. I know that you are going to dance. I am very proud of both of you, pushing and challenging yourselves.

 

[pigless in VA]

We leave tonight. Come to think of it, I have never traveled so far without SO. I am reasonably sure I can cope. I am hoping that I don't get a rental car that reeks of air "freshener." The last rental car I drove gave me a migraine every time I got into it. We might have to roll down all the windows.

This is what your thread, Feeling, means to me. Has come to mean to me. The exploration and the developing awareness of our unkindness to ourselves...a pattern we learned as children...and our challenge to this.

I learned the same thing: that I have no value. It is an incredibly tough obstacle to overcome. We have a duty to ourselves to find our own personal value and nurture it.

Feeling Sad, I think you need a bird like a singing canary. Your house is too silent and empty, and it isn't good for your psyche. You could also move to a smaller place away from the bad memories, although moving is a huge undertaking. I am planning to move this summer and will be glad to start fresh in a different place. I feel haunted by the trauma that I experienced in this house. Lloyd and I bought it, and the kids have grown up here. For a long time it represented stability for me. Now it feels more like a cage.

Now I have the same problem you have. Many things are in disrepair. I have no desire to fix them. You know you're depressed when your Christmas tree is still up. In April! Candy is joking that we have decorated early. I am going back on an anti-depressant in order to regain some control.

 

[Copabanana]

like Cola said

Cola means "tail" in Spanish. I think I will change to Cola.

But, I feel that this time, it has taken more out of me. My ill son being gone has caused constant grief.

Listen to the Fado music please. And recognize with this that life does break us. So that we open to g-d. In my stronger moments, (like once a month) this is what I feel.

I was a very good mother overall. I was just a bit wounded.

Well. I was an OK mother, just massively wounded.

You are going on Saturday, Copa?

Yes. Saturday to Philadelphia and I am not ready one bit. I have lost the last 4 days because of something that happened with my son.

You see, I allow myself to be hurt to the bone by my son, and then I go back to bed. I feel hopeless, without value and despondent--because I realize he is not changing--and I can never be around him.

We have a duty to ourselves to find our own personal value and nurture it.

I agree with this.

Except I seem to be unable to bear that my son will never be fixed or fix himself in such a way to have a life that even approaches normal. It is near-impossible to remove myself from this tether. Like a siren song to self-destruct on the rocks.

I think you need a bird like a singing canary.

OMG. What about a macaw, Feeling? They are such wonderful companions. They are the Phd of birds. They talk. They bond tremendously. What a good idea, pigless.

 

[pigless in VA]

My poor gone, brother in law, Bernie had a scarlet macaw. His friend, Tina, has "Scarlet" now. She still says "God! Shut up!" in Bernie's voice. It brings Tina some comfort to have her.

A macaw is rather large. I was thinking a smaller bird might be more reasonable. Cockatiels are bright and chipper, too. Enjoy your trip as best you can, Copa/Cola. That sounds like a drink. I am done with printing out maps and finding things to do.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am proud of both of you guys. Have wonderful, restful, soul-nurturing times! Copa, what are you doing in Philadelphia?

 

[Copabanana]

Copa, what are you doing in Philadelphia?

Well, Feeling. I want to be in a big metro, with crowded streets and a thousand excellent restaurants. I want to go to plays and concerts. I want to live where other Jews live and where I can study my faith, where there are other women who have had lives like my own, more or less. I want to dance Tango again and learn to teach it. I want to study art and learn to use a spinning wheel.

I do not know if I mentioned it to you but I live in a small city that is about 2.5 or 3 hours to SF. There is very little here except Churches, gyms, Home Depot and Costco. Actually I like it here. I feel safe and comfortable. But I miss a big city. It is not enough for me here. To finish my life, whatever time I have left, would not be enough.

So over the past 5 years I have been researching places to live away from here. I cannot afford to go back to the Bay Area. I thought of keeping my mother's house in the San Fernando Valley, but decided it was not good for me to live in the past. Before my mother died we went to Las Vegas to check it out and we loved it, with the idea of getting a second house there--it was when the prices had crashed. We left that idea behind, and I am glad.

So first I thought of Detroit, then Newark NJ, then Cleveland and finally maybe 5 months ago hit on Philadelphia. Which stuck. I seemed to spend about 6 months in each city, mentally. What I was looking for was large very urban cities, with a lot of Jews, that were cheap (home prices and rents mainly); that had lots of universities and cultural institutions.

I like my house and I did not want to face giving it up. Whether I decide to someday or not, I could not face it upfront.

So when our new president started talking tough about undocumented, M and I decided I should travel alone. M wants to stay back because he is still working hard on the properties and wants to get them to market to rent.

Everything about Philadelphia, I like (but this is sight unseen.) This is an exploratory visit. I have contacted several synagogues, a therapy place, a bridge club. I know where there are yarn stores and art centers, and a huge marketplace. I know where the Italian district is to eat. All of this is stuff I cannot do here. Here my life is Home Depot, Costco and the market. Except for the 50 minute walk I do in my neighborhood beside a creek some of it, I am in the car.

Actually, Southern NJ is right next to Philadelphia, like 7 minutes away by (car)--but I would be afraid to drive across the bridge--and half the time I will stay there. It would be very easy for me to get license reciprocity there in NJ and more difficult in PA if someday I wanted to work.

That's my story.

How are you, Feeling? Any news?

PS I am taking the train, which I am kind of dreading, because we had train tickets. Because of M's status we could not take the airplane.

 

[Copabanana]

YOU ARE AVOIDING ME. But I am here to remind you....*Remember Chinese Crested, Feeling.

Feeling. Thus far, you are refusing to acknowledging pigless' excellent and life-changing idea, to which I delightfully (for me) contributed: a MACAW.

Now for right now you are spared multi media because my efforts to attach many enriching photos (with soundtrack) were dashed...but as we speak I am working on the problem. Visualize here please the hourglass that tells you that you will soon see your desired result.

Pending this, I present: SCARLET MACAW.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am not trying to avoid you. I am just very down. I am sorry. I am sick with worry.

 

[AppleCori]

I am not trying to avoid you. I am just very down. I am sorry. I am sick with worry.

FS,

Do you think you should go to the doctor?

It sounds like you have a serious bout of depression and/or anxiety or something along those lines.

You are dealing with so much right now, that you may need something to help you cope.

I can't remember if you see a therapist.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? I know you had to isolate yourself for so long, because of oldest son's issues. Do you have a support system?

How are you feeling today?

Let us know...

Apple

 

[Feeling Sad]

I have seen a therapist for almost 2 years, since I had to file the restraining order.

I can't go on antidepressants because I had a brain tumor removed in 2007, which caused me to have transitory simple partial seizures when I was stressed or scared for several years afterward. I had transitory complete loss of feeling on my right side for about 10 minutes. It progressed to numbness. I still have it a bit under stress. I would stay awake, which makes it a simple partial seizure.

Antidepressants could trigger my past seizure disorder and turn them into complete seizures that make you unconscious. I could lose my teaching job if that ever happened. I can't take anything. It makes it very hard for me.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I forgot to mention. I have reached my cap on therapy. I am out of luck on both accounts...

 

[BusynMember]

Cant you go to therapy at a community center? You sound so very sad and I feel sad for you.

 

[Copabanana]

I have reached my cap on therapy

Amazon closed my account 2 years ago because I returned too much. Now they shut off my kindle. I panicked. Then I realized, this buying has got to stop. (keyboard broken...)

I pay a spiritual director/rabbi $90 a full hour. Best "therapy" I ever had. You can do this feeling. You must.

Leaving 2 days. Computer broken. Will miss and worry, Feeling. Love.

 

[Copabanana]

What about massage? Support and nurture, feeling. Worried.

 

[AppleCori]

Yes, check into community resources.

Your doctor or your local health department may know of options you haven't thought of.

Do you have a close friend that lives near you, that you could talk to?
Sometimes, that helps.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Feeling,

Please stay close with us. I, too, am worried about you. We care. Please find someone to talk to.

And, do not think of texts as cold. That is the way our kids communicate. They find it much easier. I prefer texting, but only because i am half deaf and wear hearing aids.

I hope you check in with us AT LEAST once a day!!!

Hugs,
SS