Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[New Leaf]

Hi Feeling Sad,
Hugs to you, and hopes for brighter days and feelings.

I, too am grieving, but do not have all the details of my daughters illness or whereabouts.

Yesterday was her birthday. I find myself at times consumed with thoughts for her and her safety. She has been on the streets, appearing back home off and on, depressed and aloof, I can tell her life is in turmoil and she needs help, but at this time, will not seek it.

A while back, I had not seen or heard from her for almost a year. She showed up where I was coaching a children's program, I did not recognize her.

I am not able to have a decent conversation with her. According to her, I am a terrible mother, and her problems are my fault. Looking back, I wish I had realized that she needed help when she was younger. I did not see the extent of her challenges. I cannot change what was, nor can I change what is.

One day at a time, and one step at a time. It is so much to deal with, to have given birth and raised children, then to see them struggle so. It is hard to hear friends and coworkers speak of their adult children and their success, college, having their grandchildren. I am so happy for them, and for my own adult children who are doing well.

Having difficult children who are struggling as adults leaves an emptiness inside.

I do know that trying to have a relationship at this point with my two difficult children is detrimental to my health and family life. It is apparently detrimental to their growth and taking responsibility for their choices, because it seems when they are in my home, they spiral down a destructive path.

The resulting domino affect in my home is unacceptable. I now know that our attempts to help have enabled them, and have taken so much away from us leading a physically, mentally and spiritually healthy life.

I am once again sorting through belongings they left behind, as if we were some sort of half way house. I am finding the strength to fix up my house, to make it a home again.

I am facing my own feelings, and realizing that I have been depressed. I am glad you have a good therapist who you can confide in, and that she has given you some good suggestions.

I have found much peace here, and am working through this latest episode, by visiting here often, reading and posting.

In the meantime, I have great relief by "giving" my children to God, and praying that he watch over them, protect them and guide them.

It is a deep sorrow to know our children are out there in a harsh world. But, we do not have control over their lives. The Serenity prayer is helpful and shines light on this-

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

You are not alone. There are so many here who have gone down similar roads. It helps to know that folks have learned how to cope and how to focus on their own future, and living.

Praying for you and I, and all those out there who have shared this emptiness. May we lift ourselves up knowing we did the best we could. May we hold a special place in our hearts for our children, while at the same time recognizing that we have our own lives to live, and need to live at our fullest.

Life is too short to spend so much time thinking and grieving for what might be.

Feel what you have to feel, it is your journey.

May God give you strength each day, may your heart and spirit be lifted.

 

[Copabanana]

I do not want him to get hurt or hurt himself because his voices tell him to.

I am in many ways in your shoes. My son is adopted. His parents were both mentally ill and drug addicted. When he was 19 we discovered by accident that he had had Hepatitis B since birth. While he was still at home he went on antivirals. Since he has been gone, now 4 years, he took them for a short time only.

He believes he can control the virus by a diet high in Omega 3. He is at risk for being dropped by the university liver clinic where he is followed because he has missed 3 times. Yesterday he told me he was not going to his appointment because it is on the same day he expects terrible earthquakes and he will not cross the bridge. I told him: "You have a mortal illness. It is a certainty that if you do not get treatment, the virus is damaging your liver." He told me he will not talk to me any more.

It feels sometimes like my own life is dependent upon him. I do not know how I will survive if he does not. I know that I am better. But when I think of some future time, when he has liver cancer or cirrhosis and I know he is dying....

I need him to go to the liver clinic and to start back on his antivirals.

After the call M my SO told me, "you are like a fighter who is fighting outside of the ring." How much of a chance do you think you have of winning the fight? You are fighting outside of the arena. You have no control.

You are in the same situation, FS. No matter how much we suffer and flail against destiny, neither you nor I can change "life itself." The only difference is DNA and the birth process. Do you really think that my suffering will be less than yours when and if my son goes downhill?

But, he cannot help being ill. He did not deserve this life sentence.

My son did not deserve this. Nor did I. Nor did you. What does deserve have to do with anything?

Your suffering does not one thing to change the course of things, except to make you suffer. Until you and I understand and accept that we have no control any longer, we will suffer and deprive ourselves of a full life. For what?

You did not have children to visit disease onto them. Sometimes I question my decision to adopt my son. Did I do wrong exposing him to a good life, to life's possibility when his destiny was to be homeless and mentally ill and to die of a illness transmitted to him by the lifestyle choices of his parents? What was it all for?

See? Two can play this game, FS. The reality? It is not your fault. You did not cause it. And to me: You cannot control it or cure it. It is not our fault. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control. That we do not want. That is what is true here. You are not the disease. Nor am I.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you. Your words are very comforting. I am sorry that your pains are being revisited to to ease mine. You are all truly self-less.

I got my self back in a better state. LIfe is just so unfair. Not just for me, but for everyone on thIs site. My faith Is being sorely tested. My life has been full of horrible issues. There has had some good, but it has been very lop-sided.

My childhood ended at age 11...before that it was beautiful. It is very difficult to remember being happy. I remember crossing the playground in my glittery princess Halloween costume. I was so happy...my Iast happy memory.

My second eldest sister became schizophrenic. She thought that the neighbor down the street, Mr. Smith, was in her closet. She shared a room with me. My life was threatened repeatedly and my parents did nothing. I was the only one she was violent towards. She would build me up to her psychiatrist. My things were smashed and stolen. My parents made up lies to cover-up her problems. They told a different lie to each neighbor. Our orthodontist said that he heard that my sister was going to school in Oregon. He asked me for the school's name. I just sat there. Kids started to tease me and I started to stutter. I spent my weekends visiting my sister in a mental hospital. At age 21, she was kidnapped by a pimp and forced to turn tricks for 2 weeks before she was found. She spoke of that man the rest of her life.

My first husband was a Vietnam vet and was violent. I spent my days building him up and he did the inverse. It probably felt 'normal' to me to have him threaten my life. Actually, on a side note, O.J. Simpson was my first boss at a chicken place. I divorced him after 12 years. He was a sociopath.

My youngest son started to see triple. They thought that he had a brain tumor. I used to pray for me to have it instead. I fought for him in the District. They 'loved' me...a special education teacher and a parent! After 6 years, he became better. Strangely, I got a brain tumor years later.

My mother died days before 911 after being in pain and bed-bound for 7 long years.

Then very soon, my eldest sister got delusional parasitosis and thought that bugs were coming out of her nose, stomach, brain, etc. I got her in a 14 day hold because she had driven onto an exit on the freeway because she wanted to research a 'bug' before the library closed. They let her go in 3 days and told me that they were no Iaws against being crazy. Her husband O.D.'d on vicodin...which she also is addicted to. She sold her house because of the 'bugs' and moved in with my father and brother.

My brother had a cardiac arrest and lied to me about getting medical coverage. He owed the hospital $350,000. I went to an attorney to protect the estate. My eldest sister lied and told all of my relatives that I went to have myself placed as the Trustee. I was placed 20 years earlier with my brother as cotrustee on both estates. I took my brother into my house to nurse him back to health. I paid for his clothes, food, and $400 a month for his pills. I soon find that he stole from the estate...A new car, spending money, paying his taxes...The list goes on. He repeatedly lied to me. The attorney told me to kick him off as the cotrustee...but I soon was faced with a brain tumor. If I kicked him off and died, my sister with parasitosis would be Trustee. I read him the riot act. He promised to stop...

Six months later I had a craniotomy to remove a tumor. They thought that I would lose my memory or be paralysed on the right side, but I did fine. After surgery, I went through simple partial seizures. I would stay awake and transitorily lose feeling on my right side.

Then, my sister who thought that she had bugs almost killed my father. He had a stroke and lost his ability to walk because she used hot water, bleach, and ammonia 3 times a day on her sheets and clothing to kill the 'bugs'. He got aspirational pneumonia. That is how they made mustard gas in World War I. He could not legally return home until she was out. I had to file a 3 day eviction. My brother would not help. I had either a TIA or a very bad partial seizure and had to be rushed to the hospital because of the stress. My seizure medications were then doubled. My sister stopped talking to me and my brother would sneak behind my back to see her. I was again...always... the bad guy.

When my father died, my ill sister sued us. I had talked my mother out of keeping her out of the Trust, fool that I am. My mother had gifted her with a house to be inherited when my she died. My sister couldn't wait that long and tried to sue her.

My brother, behind my back, had continued to steal from the estates. We lost $200,000 and another $100,000 in attorney fees. I was not going to have my sons pay for his misdeeds...so I lost my inheritance from both of my parents.

I soon let go of an investment property that was purchased with my second husband...I paid $120,000 and he put down just $3,000. I was trying to shore up his self-concept.

I have been at 6 schools and 12 classrooms. I took a Title l job with less pay because my youngest son was seeing triple. I had less seniority...As the population dropped, I got moved.

My new car, and the one next door, was totaled by a drunk son across the street. The one day I had to go get my insurance work completed, I did not visit my other schizophrenic sister in the hospital. She died alone, not knowing what was happening. The D.A. brought him to court for drunk driving and fleeing the scene. One year later, in court, he admitted to driving, but said that he drank AFTER the accident. There is now going to be a retrial...2 of the 12 jurors believed his lies.

My ill son was the third family member with schizophrenia. It is truly insidious.

I know that all of life is not bad...but I am so tired and sad. I am tired of being strong. I have the only classroom at my school, in hot Southern California, without air for 5 1/2 weeks. I am exhausted. I am burned-out.

I am trying my best...but I don't 'spring back' like I used to.

My ill son also has moderate hemophilia. It was discovered when he went to Mexico on a senior trip. He had to stop surfing and hockey because of the risk of head injury. I thought that he was depressed in his early twenties because of this, but it was schizophrenia. He will not see a doctor. He will not carry a card. If he is beaten up...it may kill him.

Here, I started off saying that I was in a better frame of mind. I am sorry to complain so much. I just am very down-trodden. That word fits. I have never used it before.

When I played with my Barbie growing up it was just simple things like; Why didn't Ken ever ask her out? Which gown should she wear? I guess young girls would not want to play the mental illness game!!! Why is Ken acting that way? Why won't the hospital admit him? Sorry...I like to joke when I am down. It is better than crying...

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling Sad,

The beginning of change is to tell the truth to yourself. That you are doing. Honest to G-d, I say this to myself so much: If we human beings knew what our life stories will be, we would never go out into the world. Sometimes I think people that suffer early on are better off. They develop defenses and protections and stamina to deal with the reality of what life will really be. I have known people with charmed lives. And something happens. They are never the same. They cannot get up. You will.

Acknowledging the suffering is necessary. But there can be moments of joy, too, in time. There can be pleasure. There can be fulfillment. Achievement. Pride. A sense of meaning. Like you have in your work. Little by little, you will reclaim your life, and have more and more. I know that to be true.

 

[New Leaf]

Holy Smokes that is an incredible life story. How strong you have been to survive all of it. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there, and find time to heal and breathe. Day by day. Moment by moment.

Hugs

 

[BusynMember]

Wow. You have been through so much. I read in disbelief. It was hard to read and I'm so, so, s o, so sorry you went through all of that and now this.

I have never been through anything like you have, so I don't have good advice about the particular events. But I do think that in general we have to let go of trying to care for our entire family, even if everything but us is sick. There is no way humanly possible to do it and you'll only drive yourself to stress induced illnesses. Nobody can care for so many people who are mentally ill and physically challenged. You are not obligated to do it all. One person CAN'T do it all. They didn't ask for it, but neither did you.

Have you looked into caregivers for your loved ones who need so much help? All you can do is try. If they refuse to be helped, you have done all you can. You need to heal from your own life challenges and I hope you are not neglecting yourself. Do you see a therapist? They also have caregivers support groups, at least around here. You may have to search for one in your area. You can try just doing a search online.

It is so unfortunate that your parents did not protect you from your ill sister and, consequently, did not get the right type of help for her while she was still a minor child. I can't imagine what they were thinking.

Hugs and good vibes sent your way. I hope you start to put yourself first. You earned it.

 

[Feeling Sad]

SWOT, in my parents' defense, they were probably feeling over-whelmed. Back then, there was even a larger stigma attached to schizophrenia. They did not want to tell the neighbors the truth in case she got better. As I child, I felt deserted and I grew up very quickly. I was on my own.

My ill sister and I shared a very large room with a foldable wall in between. She would tell me that she had the large Butcher knife from the kitchen and I would run to my parents room to tell them. They would say, "You know that she is not really going to kill you." I would go back to my room and my sister would say, "They didn't believe you did they?" and then laugh this fiendish laugh. My parents used to speak to her about laughing "appropriately".

I turned all of my dressers around towards the wall, roped off my closet, and tried to glue the foldable wall shut...to no avail. My sister had received ongoing care...mental hospitals, medication, special schools, and even electro-shock therapy. I never recommend electro-shock therapy to anyone. It did not help my sister and my sister permanently lost a lot of her long-term memories.

My mother thought that she was possessed and read her the Bible all day. My father, who was a genius, saw her as beyond hope because she was 'flawed'. He would agree with all of her delusions so that she would give him a back rub. Her worst delusion was that she had octuplets that my mother had taken away.

It is just very difficult to heal after having your life threatened for over 50 years. Yes, I know that I did not deserve it and that it was/is not their fault. I have major PTSD. My sister would threaten me with large knives and scissors. My first husband threatened to slit my throat, would clean his guns and threaten to "blow me away" and then set the house on fire, and hire a hit man. My ill son threatened to cut my face up, poison me, smother me in my sleep, stuck a jagged bottle towards my throat, and lastly, argued with his voices about not wanting to kill me. Those are just the specific threats. Many others were just...I am going to kill you. I guess...not "just".

I forced myself to read actual cases of schizophrenic sons killing their mothers because I was trying to force myself not to numb out anymore. Yes...it was not good for me, but I needed to do it. I needed to face reality. I was in true danger before. ..and I STILL am, sadly. The scary thing is that paranoid schizophrenics overkill. They stab 54, 72, etc.times. I am not trying to demonize them. I read many, many actual cases. The voices tell them to because they are told that their mother is the devil, has demons, is a spy, and on and on.

My first husband was a sociopath, I found out later, before being in the war. As a child, he kicked his own dog until it coughed up blood. After I divorced him he stalked me and harassed me.

My second himself I though was a safe choice...He was not violent. He realized over time that he had a shallow affect, little empathy. When I came home from the hospital after having my brain tumor removed, I sat up and had no feeling on my right side. I walked to his office and told him. He just looked at the screen at the video he was editing and said to just give him a minute. I walked across the house. I was scared to death! He eventually came to the doorway of the bedroom. I asked him where was the phone? He said, "Oh, you want the phone?.." He then left and when he returned he said, "Who should we call?" I took the phone with the hand that I could feel and started to call the hospital emergency room. The room was dark and the hallway light was on. I thought that I was having a stroke, which you can have after a craniotomy. But it was a simple partial seizure...The type you stay awake during. Flashing lights exacerbate seizures. He stood in the door way and rocked. It caused the light to be blocked, then not blocked...like flashing lights. I did not know why, but I knew that it was making me feel much worse. While I was on the phone I said, "Stop rocking". He yelled, "I'm not rocking!" I looked up...and he had walked out of the house! I cannot tell you how that felt to me!

When I came home the second time from the hospital, they had let me out early because it was Christmas Eve. They told us that it might not be long enough for the seizure medications to completely kick in and to return immediately if I had another seizure. At home, I was lying in bed and my husband was stressing me out because he could not find where he had put his mother's gift that I had purchased. He then told me that I had better hurry if I was going to their house. I quickly took a shower. My head and large incision over my titanium plate could not get wet. The stress brought on another seizure. My entire right side could not feel the water or anything. My middle son saw my face when I came out of the bathroom. I said that I was having another one. I sat on my bed. We were all in the same room. Three times he asked my husband, "Don't you think we should take her back to the hospital?" Three times my husband said, "That's okay...she doesn't need to come tonight". My son walked me gently to the family room and talked to me calmly. Just then...I looked up. From way across the house, I could see him leaving with my youngest son and all of the gifts...that I had bought. He never asked ne how I was once! I was still having my seizure... My son's car was overheating, but I told him that it was okay. He could drive my van and take me to the hospital. My son said, "I can't...He took your van".

I stayed for 1 more year, with much of the same type of lack of empathy. He was also a sociopath...just not violent. Or perhaps, Asperges. I have been told both. I went to therapy that last year. He never would.

I am so sorry, New Leaf, that you do not know your daughter's whereabouts. It is sheer torture as a mother, to deal with this. To not being able to hardly recognize her when she did turn up must have been truly heart-breaking. I have nightmares about my son, and he looks different in my dreams.

Copa, you always find the words to help me. I love your line...."two can play at this"! Touché. Adopted child or not, you are going through the very same torture. Yes, it only adds exponentially to your/our ache when they have a life threatening illness that they refuse, for whatever reason, to address.

Being the parent of a very troubled child is horrible because of not knowing how they are doing and that it never seems to end. We ache and ache. I cannot detach. I feel that he needs me... He does, but I had to kick him out for our safety. Others on this site, hear from their children at least on the phone or FB. I won't. I have a restraining order that prohibits it. Even without it, my son has only used the phone twice in 9 years! People might be spying on him, he thinks. My pain is not worse...just slightly different. Torture is sadly...torture.

My heart goes out to all of the parents on this site. At IEP meetings I meet sad parents trying to come to grips with their child's disability, whether cognitive or psychological, or both. Believe me, I am always on the side of the parents. In private, I inform them specifically of their rights and fight, in a politically acceptable manner, for their child to receive all of the support services they need. I have to write the IEP properly in order to receive full services and hours of support. In middle school, I volunteered in pediatrics at the hospital as a candy striper, tutored at an elementary school, and volunteered at convalescent homes. In college, I worked on the helpline and saved a life. In grad school I worked in contact with protective services on child abuse and neglect cases. I save 4 more lives. I have always wanted to help...I am just tired now. Now, when students have a 40 minute melt-down...I am still patient, but it is more difficult. Yes, I love teaching and it is very rewarding. But, I need to heal. Hopefully, I will be able to over time.

Warm hugs to all. May you all find peace of mind. May your children stay safe and make healthy choices.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I just had a major scare. My son installed an alarm system. When he comes home, the alarm beeps a few times as he enters the house. I cannot see the front door from the family room. I always call out, "Hello" and he always answers. Just a few minutes ago, the alarm started to beep and I called out...and no answer.

I now realize that I don't really have a good game plan in place. I had left my mace in my bedroom. I didn't want to run out back, or the front, because I did not know if someone was there. I slowly opened my ill son's room. I was petrified. What if he had been there? It was stupid of me. I just miss him so much. I guess that I miss him more than I am afraid of him. Or I don't completely accept that I should be afraid of him, but many therapists have told me that he could kill me.

Soon after, I hear my phone going off with a text. My youngest son texted me to say if I had heard beeps, to not worry. He was trying something remotely with his phone on the alarm system. I told him to please text me before next time. I do not want him to know how scared I was. I do not want him to worry any more than he already is.

But, I now realize, I need a better game plan. The police weren't contacted because it was not a true break-in. Where should I run? Maybe several containers of mace, one in each room. I have heard wasp spray is better and shoots further. Okay, now I am crying because I am talking about hurting my son.

Typo on last post...My second husband, not 'himself' and I, not 'he', soon realized that he lacked empathy. He never realized it. That was the problem.

SWOT, I forgot to answer. I do have a good therapist, for now. Also, I do go to a support group. Both are extremely helpful.

Take care.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I am so very sorry FS, you are right, none of this is fair, not for your son and not for you either. We have no control over what is fair.......all we can do is to learn to live with what we've been given........... After we rail against the unfairness, after we feel what feels like the unending pain of it all. I know how you feel. I have all that mental illness in my family too. Life has not been fair.

All of this is true.

However, with the help of many therapists, I began seeing that my own relentless thinking about the sorrowful events, the unfairness, the horrors of mental illness certainly kept me in a place of despair........but it also didn't change anything either, it didn't help my daughter, it ruined lots of my days, it kept me from living any kind of a full life. As I talked about all of it in therapy and in my parenting group, the therapists would stop me mid sentence, they interrupted the relentless stream of fear thoughts repeatedly, until I learned to do that myself. We scare ourselves with our own thinking. And the thinking then creates the feelings. Not to say the situation isn't filled with sorrow, but our continual thoughts of what we could have done, what might happen, what should have happened, doesn't change anything.

You aren't complaining FS, you are addressing your feelings and your thoughts. Putting them down like you are helps to see what those thoughts are. Observe those thoughts and practice not allowing them to take over. Recognize that you have the power to change your responses. You have the power to stay in the present moment, where nothing negative has happened, and breathe deeply and let go of that thinking, just for this moment.......and then the next moment...........and the next. Until in between all the sorrow and despair, you've created moments of peace. We need those moments of peace to carry on with the heavy burdens that have been placed on our shoulders.

Hang in there FS. It's a lot to wade through, but you're doing it.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi FS,

Thank you for your kind words. While I was reading your post I thought of this: You are talking profoundly of something way bigger than all of us. You are talking about MOTHER LOVE. When I first started here Cedar told me to go to images.google.com and to google the Virgin Mary. She told me to look at her eyes and I would see my own. I did. I felt peace.

I think a way to find momentary peace is to celebrate the love G-d has given me to love my son. When the worry and the agony hit me, to find the love in myself and to realize that without my son I would never have known this, and shared this beautiful desolation with you. I have only one child.

My son told me this week in a phone call (he was expecting yesterday the end of the world in some form or another): He told me he loved me. He told me, if I return to live another life, I would want to have the same life I have had. I just wouldn't want all the other stuff (his euphemism for mental illness). While I think he might have been referring in large part to living abroad and all the travel we did, I think he meant me. What he would want to return to is having been loved in such a way by a mother, that made him feel he was absolutely essential to her very survival, and her essence.

Your ill son knows he is loved by you like that.

And you know deep in your heart that wanting to protect yourself from your son's demons is not the same thing as wanting to hurt him. Your son knows more than you that he can be guided by a force that is not his own will. (By the way, your description of him before his illness touched my heart.)

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you. I have gone years without crying. In fact, for several years after divorcing my first husband, I could not cry. Ever Period. He would become more violent if I cried. I also did not want to give him the pleasure of making me cry. I just turned off my waterworks. It took me years to be able to cry, and then, very, very rarely. Out of body type experiences...

I always tear up when I read what you write. That is a compliment. It is probably, because you have or are going through the same issues, you know how to go directly to the essence at hand...no filler, just pure loving help. This site is better than therapy. You feel my pain. Who better to help guide me down this shared difficult road we are on?

I think that I am verbalizing these facts because they are now just starting to 'bubble up'. I have very effectively blocked them from my consciousness. I have not actually thought about these things. It feels as if I am talking about someone else. I am forcing myself to face that it really happened! It might sound really strange. My mind forces things down so very deep. I negate and trivialize any violence. Did it really happen?...I ask myself. I used to force myself to watch every domestic violence movie and sure enough...things came up out of my consciousness. How I slept in a closest all night. How I slept in the doorway of my sons' room when I was pregnant. A psychiatrist told me that I tolerated my first ex and my son for so long because I felt helpless, like when I was 11. My parents taught me how to be a victim. No more. That is why I am writing things down. To make them known and permanent in print.

I do not want my son's to be like me. I do not want them to be afraid anymore. I want them to know that their mom is not only safe, but healthy.

I have to realize, over time, that I was in danger before I can start to heal. My whole life...I moved on. That second, that moment, that day. I just moved on as if nothing happened. I numbed out. To me, it never happened. I can't anymore. It is not healthy. It is painful to let it to the surface, but I have to.

I do not think that I could actually spray my son with mace. I guess it would depend if he had a weapon or rushed up on me. He always stood very still in the shadows. Not to make ME fearful... but, rather, HE was fearful...even of me in our house. But, again, what were his voices telling him to do?

Thank you for being there for me. My youngest son is leaving for a week...flying up North. I will be alone. I am scared already. I was watching some ghost show last night and stopped. Not a great idea...

My youngest earned all 3 Cisco certificates at age 20. He was the youngest. Only 2 of 12 did.. All much older and worked for the government and military. 10 students were chosen across the Us to fly to Silicone Valley and critique programs in front of Google, Intel, and Cisco to the actual people who developed them. He said, "Mom, I've got this"!

That is my positive experience in my life! My other son is going to college to be a biologist and takes mentally challenged adults and school children on tour on the dunes where he plants indigenous plants and helps clean lakes and rivers. They both keep me going. I need to heal so that they can heal.

I will hang in there...like we are all. One day at a time. God's peace.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa. I forgot to mention how beautiful that was that your son would not want to change you as his mother. That is a good as it gets. Cherish it. That is pure 'son' love.

Why did he think that the world was going to end? Did he read it or was it his own thought? How frustrating for you...you want him to see the doctor for his liver. It is so difficult just to stand by and let them make their own choices...good or bad.

When I was dating my first husband, my mother was trying to make me stop. He was my first boyfriend and was older. He is Japanese and a Vietnam vet. She said that he was a different race, not college educated, and came from a poor area. The more she tore him down...The more I was driven to him. I was not being oppositional, but rather, it made it him and me against the world... He had 11 of the 14 criteria for being mentally disturbed that I had just learned in my college class. G_d had sent him to be. It was ordained. I was going to love and help him....right!

I do not regret marrying him. I have 3 wonderful sons. You are right, Copa, I am truly blessed to know all 3, the good and the bad. I guess I am trying to say that I wanted to decide my future and not do what my mom told me I should. Her views were prejudiced, but still, all the same, they were her ideas. It was my life.

I did not see the violence yet, just under-currents. When he did become violent, I never told my parents. My therapist thinks it was because they never protected me from violence. I think that it was because they would feel that it was my fault. My mother, as a child, gave me a B+ in looks. When I received a 98% on a test, my father would inquire, "What happened?"

I have to live with the guilt of staying married too long. I tried to get out several times. I was not afraid, but I guess that the 'child' in me was. I did not help my children staying so long. He kept promising therapy and would stalk me. My sons wanted me to stay at first. My mom, would send me back. She told me to put on fresh nake-up and keep the kids quiet. He only ate with us twice in 12 years at the table. I sad that he had a 'temper'...A violent 'temper'. The day my sons said to leave him I did. My mother never told the relatives. Twenty years later I still get cards with his last name.

Copa, did your son go today? You are blessed to be able to hear his voice. That is big! Yes, the conversations might be tenuous, but you can hear your son. Write down what he said or texted to you about not changing things. That will carry you through 'leaner' times... Take care.

 

[Feeling Sad]

New Leaf. I forgot to mention that the Serenity Poem, that you mentioned, gave me strength to face my brain surgery. I found a sterling bracelet with it on it which I wore everyday. It gave me strength before and after surgery.

One night, I was trying to keep my second husband's car keys from him. He was going to leave (I should have let him..) He grabbed my wrist hard and my Serenity bracelet dug into my skin deeply and it bled. A sign??? Anyway, I stopped wearing it that night. I am going to find it. Those words are gold...very peaceful and true. Thank you for reminding me.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Feeling Sad,
Interesting how things inter-connect. I hope you find your bracelet. The serenity prayer is very powerful.

You have had such torment in your life. I do hope you are able to find relief.

It seems for some folks that life becomes a never ending cycle of events and pain recreated until we "get it right" ? We are shaped by our past experiences. Did we miss something along the way in forming a strong sense of self? Are we taught to think lesser of ourselves, ever bending and giving in, to our own detriment, until we realize our own self worth, until we figure out finally, how to stand up for ourselves and say "no more"!

I am sad that you have had such a difficult life, but in reading through it, am amazed at how incredibly resilient you are. Indeed, you have been sorely tested, but you definitely have the right stuff in you to pull through it and seek peace.

I pray you are able to hold your head up and see not only the pain, but the awesome strength you have. I pray you use that to redirect and find your joy!

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[Copabanana]

My youngest son is leaving for a week...flying up North. I will be alone. I am scared already.

Hi, FS.

We need to prepare for next week. For your peace of mind, why don't you make the contingency plans you spoke about.

I would decide on a TV/Movie plan. I watch very little TV (I listen to news on satellite.) By googling, I looked to see what won the Emmy's the past few years on and made a list, so I could get it on Netflix. There were two PBS series I watched on Amazon Prime last year until they took away my membership because I had returned too much stuff. I love the period shows on Masterpiece Theater. One was Bleak House. I went to check on Amazon and I already forgot the name of the one I liked best: It was "something" Manor. I loved it. It went 4 years so there were a lot of episodes. When I just checked, I saw all kinds of other dramas that I have not watched, that I know I would love. If you have not watched Lonesome Dove it is the best TV I have ever watched. Even if you don't like Westerns you will love it. And the prequel and sequels novels are wonderful too. Larry McMurtry or McMurty. Now is the time to get out your crocheting, too, I think. I am a nag, I know it.

I keep the news on Satellite radio and I never get lonely. M my SO says it is the same thing all day and I do not care. True. It keeps me company. But many, I know, do not like the news. I loved today. It was the Pope all day. Everybody is so giddy.

My son did not go to the doctor. He was afraid. He thought there would be an earthquake. Today he called because of a Tsunami warning. He believes in conspiracy theories and spends his free time searching the internet to find events that reinforce his fear. It is circular. He is afraid. He looks for things to be afraid of. He gets more afraid. Sigh.

Our phone calls have been going better. I am less fearful. He is less reactive. I just wish he would get medical treatment. I fear if he dies while I am alive. I do not know how I could survive it.

Almost, I did not survive the death of my Mother. It is two years and I have not even come close to getting back to work. I am off work now 3 years. Sigh.

I am not posting like I was and am not checking new threads. But I receive email reminders from this thread. I am always glad to hear from you.

Thank you for your empathy at IEP's and your concrete help and advocacy to the parents. I was one (I was also on the team when I worked in schools. It was horrible.)

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Re, I am still holding you in my prayers...Every day.

Your kind words always soothe me. Yes, we both have been surrounded by mental illness. I find I think a lot more difficult when it is your child, as opposed to, a sibling.

It is those mother heart strings.....or, in my case, strong ropes...or chains... I guess that they are called strings because they get pulled upon, yet no one else can see them. Or strings because they can be cut off or severed. Or strings because like an instrument, it can play beautiful motherly 'music'. Or strings like a mother puppet to be controlled by our....no. I will stop here. Not funny.

Lack of sleep, again. I do not have nightmares anymore and can drink coffee again, though. Baby steps. Day by day.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, you are not a nag. Quite the inverse...A very dear sweet friend. I love period PBS pieces as well. I also like the news.

I will tape some benign, light-hearted, happy ending movies. My mother used to call these movies 'wholesome'. But, brother calls them 'edifying'. Last week, he thought a movie was not going to be edifying, so he did not want to watch it on t.v. at my house. I said, "You won't watch this movie because it might not be edifying, yet you made my sons' and my life not edifying for years". He just sat there. I guess that I am annoyed after losing over $300,000 because of his years of lies and deceptions.. Is blood thicker than...money?

I am so sorry that your son is fearful of events. Your son's sound more plausible than my sons. Or at least, more researched. My son would hear things and just run with it. The world was just against him. Others were spying on just him.

You are sweet to think of me. He leaves Sunday. I will buy mace for 'intruders'. Does it work on ghosts? Ha ha. Take care. I have a scarf I started on my I add train trip...

 

[BusynMember]

I just want to say that the posts between yourself, FS, and Copa were so powerful and touching. I could just feel the love from both of you.

Your sons are lucky.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, SWOT. That was very nice to say. All of our children are lucky! We would not even be on this site if we did not care... Have a great day! May G_d watch over our children and keep them safe.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Feeling Sad, are you familiar with Robin McGraws Aspire app for victims of domestic violence?

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/aspire-news/id733163167?mt=8

http://m.snopes.com/2015/06/29/aspire-news-app/

I am thinking you are aware of N A M I (National Alliance for Mental Illness).
Here is information about this free, nation wide alliance.

http://www.namiyolo.org/tipsforfamilies.html

http://blog.nami.org/2012/04/it-is-what-it-is.html

I am so glad you found us.

Cedar

A while back, I had not seen or heard from her for almost a year. She showed up where I was coaching a children's program, I did not recognize her.

I am so sorry.

Our daughter is 41.

They served him with the restraining order that had a move out order and then escorted him out of the neighborhood in his car.
I have been told by several therapists that it was a very dangerous situation and to change the locks and put in an alarm system. I am very nervous and have had nightmares. I cannot tell you how it feels to be afraid of your own son. I have read that paranoid schizophrenics who kill usually kill the mother and it is often while the mother is trying to get her son into treatment.

I am reading your thread from the beginning, FS.

The stricter therapist says that he is no longer my son and that there is nothing more that I can do for him. The nicer one says that he is still your son, but the illness is making him act this way. She says that he could get better with treatment. The other one feels that his prognosis is very poor...even with treatment. She feels that he is too far gone.

The stricter therapist is not the therapist for you. You need an ally, not a dictator or tyrant.

If the therapist cannot understand that your child will always be your son, the therapist is counseling you from a place he or she has never been. This means this therapist cannot help you understand where you are. I will never stop believing in my child. I will never stop loving my child. What I need to do, for both myself and my child, is learn how to interact with her in the way most helpful to her. Once I can know how to respond, then I am strong. I can face what is happening. I can stop believing everything is going to be fine, and I can be okay with knowing that our situations ~ my child's situation, my situation, the stress my child's illness places on all of us ~ I can face what comes next without falling apart, if I know the right way to be strong for her.

We are very strong. We love deeply and without reservation. As you have done, we come to that place where, in order to help the kids, we need to change how we respond to the kids. This is horrifyingly scary. We get it that the kids are not capable of making rational choices, and we feel we are gambling with our children's lives.

Or, with our own lives, for our children's sakes.

When our daughter was homeless, this is what I learned:

There are others in our kids' situations on the streets, too. There is comfort and relief for them in understanding that, though they may not be thinking right, there are others ~ living, breathing, decent people ~ not thinking right either. Learning that is a priceless first step to self acceptance and healing, for them. Our troubled kids are so alone; so alone with their strangenesses, FS. On the streets, there is support. They don't have to feel shamed by their differences in the same way, because everyone they come to know when they are homeless is different, too.

They watch out for one another.

They know who belongs, and who does not; who is dangerous, and who is safe.

***

I agree that maintaining a joint account with your child is the right thing to do.

There were times when the withdrawal of that money we put into an account for our child were the only way we knew she still lived. We were told too that we should not enable. D H could not meet his own eyes in the mirror knowing his daughter was penniless on the streets. At that time, we were still denying the truth of her diagnosis. We put that money into her account for our own peace of mind.

It was the right thing to do.

When our daughter did come home, she went back and forth; to the streets and back home. She needed to do that, not to feel crazy. Not to feel shamed. She needed to do that to see herself reflected in the eyes of those who were like her, so she could know she was okay as she was, as she is.

I read somewhere that some of us have no idea how hard others of us struggle just to be normal.

That is how I see our daughter.

She is so beautifully human.

You are right. I do have a right to feel safe in my own house. I am still trying to get used to it.

Until we are safe, we cannot learn how to help, which involves seeing what is for what it is. I try to hold an image of steady affection. When I listen to my child, I say that Anne Lamott prayer: "Help!" The other two words to this wonderfully helpful prayer are: "Thanks!" and "Wow!"

Those three prayers cover pretty much every situation. We don't have to think what to pray for, because those one word prayers can be prayed whatever else is going on. However helpless we feel, in the face of what is.

Believing we (me, my child, our family) are meant to come through this bravely and beautifully helps me so much. Bravely would be when we don't know what to do, but take the best actions or say the best words, that we know. Beautifully would mean love; would mean lovingly, and without shame.

This is getting to be a too long response. I will finish, and continue reading. This helped me. It is quoted from the Kennedy Special Olympics founder:

"Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave."

I hope it can help you feel stronger too, Feeling Sad.

***

Shame and guilt have not been helpful, for me. I want to respond to my child from my Mother heart, not from my scared inner child heart. For that purpose of clearing shame based responses to our children, we created Family of Origin thread here on this site. Clearing those shame based ways of thinking has changed everything about how we are able to see our children and ourselves.

Please know you are welcome, there.

Cedar