Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Scent of Cedar *]

Boy! I sure am in La La Land. I need to be in...the Land of Nod!

You are grieving. This is sacred space. It helped me to re-read Elisabeth Kubler Ross' research on grieving and how to come through it.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

There was a discussion on the site years ago between parents whose children were living and parents who had lost their children. The difference for those of us whose children are in the world is: hope.

We are fortunate in that way, Feeling Sad. There is pain. There is the fear of loss and the impossible joy of hope.

I repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over when I cannot rest. Something about the rhythms in it, something about the honest grief in it, helps me.

It is simple enough that I can remember it even when I wake up in the night, worried sick.

Yoga will help.

Brief meditation will help.

Breathe from your belly when the feelings are too intense.

Understanding there is a place named FOG will help. FOG is when we are blasted into emotional flashback, retraumatized by the current trauma and past trauma and we freeze in place. If we can learn to recognize and name that place when we are in it, we can understand that we will come through. Every time that panicky feeling hits, we can name where we are. We can know it will not last.

We can give ourselves the gift of time. Just a breath of time not to react. Then, we can respond, instead. There is a world of difference between those two states of mind.

It is okay to say, "I don't know. I'm sorry honey, but I don't know. I love you. I believe in you."

The words a mother speaks, or a father, resonate through the generations. Whether we think the kids hear us or not, we are their mothers (or their fathers). What we say matters; what we say can heal years later, when the child can hear us.

This is true.

Function from there, Feeling Sad. You are not powerless. It is the situation that is horrific. Not you. Not your child.

I posted this for you on an earlier response, but it fits here too, so I will post it for you, again. It is from the Kennedy who now runs Special Olympics.

"Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave."

We can practice Radical Acceptance.

This is a concept given us by Child of Mine. It was very helpful to me. The concept is of a tool box. In the tool box are things that have helped us in the past. Quotes; snatches of songs. Articles we have read. That Conduct Disorders exists. Every helpful thing, we envision in our toolbox.

When I can't remember what's in my toolbox?

Just knowing there is one helps me.

Then, I come here to Conduct Disorders and post and someone comes to help me.

We are fortunate in this.

They say gratitude displaces fear. That we cannot feel both at once.

Listing three things I truly feel gratitude for helps me very much, when I am afraid.

I was my homeless son. I know how he feels every night. In fact, he has it much worse. I have money. I have people to call that care about me... I am not afraid of people and can ask strangers for help. I know that I will eventually make it back home...

Knowing how this feels will help you know the words to say to your son when that time comes. Knowing this will help you define your son's situation to his family. You have learned a compassion here you could not have learned in any other way. Going back to guilt over your son's lifestyle and how it is that it must be as it is will not help you or your son. Copa is absolutely correct when she posts that we can choose how to see.

Choose strength, Feeling Sad.

I absolutely believe there is purpose in what is happening. I read once that we would know "at the touch of Eternity".

That helps me function through the horror of it.

You know now more than you did about what this feels like for your son. It is horrifying knowledge. But there will come a time when you will make a correct response because you know this, now.

I am deeply sorry for the pain in it.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

My severe therapist had told me that he is still in town because he is like a shark..."circling around the water where there is blood". My kinder therapist said that he is staying in town because he loves us and wants to be near. She asked, "Do you know why he is staying away? He loves you. He doesn't want to hurt you".

Your child does love you, Feels Sad.

The kinder therapist is correct. The severe therapist is not a bad therapist. I hear that he or she is outraged for your sake. The severe therapist is not understanding mother love.

He or she is protecting you.

When I have had a therapist like that, I stopped listening. It wasn't even a choice. My concern was for my child.

That has never changed.

You will be able to hear the kinder therapist. If you are like me, you will not hear the severe therapist, and eventually, will not share what most disturbs you with him or her.

You will protect your child, even from your own therapist.

I did.

Yes, the less severe therapist questioned why I write down notes to read and why I force myself to read violent cases. She understood why...but had the same concerns as you. You are right. It is not helping my PTSD. I know that...but I am trying to stop my numbing out. It is probably way too soon.

Could you be confronting your guilt? Confronting those negative tapes whirling away somewhere about how you should have been able to do something better?

I found there were shockingly negative tapes in my own subconscious. Every failure with my kids blasted right through defenses carefully erected over years and years. That is what broke me. Guilt. But what I learned is that guilt is a useless thing.

For me, it would be helpful to listen for the internal conversation, to try to catch a phrase, even, that occurs around everything to do with reviewing violent case histories. If you could write even one of them down, if you could isolate the feeling tone of the phrase or the memory, you could address whether it is helpful to you in the present, or not.

When I have done this, the result has always been a kind of horrified compassion for myself.

We can be so unkind to ourselves when our kids are suffering.

If it helped any of us, that would be one thing. But what I have found more helpful to me in facing what is has been compassion.

For me, for my kids, for the way everything turned out.

When he lived in his car for a year, 10 years ago, he went to a different state and subsequently told me that a strange man kept following him. This man showed up everywhere, he said, and was sent to make sure that he never returns home...

Could this be how your son protects you from himself?

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am sorry. I am just in a very bad place right now.

It helped me to light a candle for my son.

When I did not know what else to do, I could love him. I could give myself that time with him, thinking of him, praying for him, loving him.

I am 63, Feels Sad.

It is twenty years ago now that our son was addicted, and that I lit those candles because I did not know whether he was alive, or whether he was hurt or cold.

I still put candles in my windows at Christmas. I use those electric ones for that. Every Christmas, when I put those candles in my windows, I do it thinking about moms like me, and kids like mine. I learned that both my children were thinking about me too, on those lonely Christmases or birthdays or Easters or Thanksgivings.

It was something I could do; a way to name the pain and the hope and the love.

Cedar

 

[Feeling Sad]

Cedar, what a true gift! I came home from a difficult day at school to find all of you kind words, quotes, and thoughtful suggestions. Boy, I can't believe that you went back so far... Thank you, so much. I plan to reread your posts to glean all of the help from them. I truly appreciate your time.

I am going to try to light a candle...symbolic and calming. You are right. We can be so cruel to ourselves. It does not help. I am still, I guess, in shock that it even happened. Your are correct about trying to listen to your tone with your internal dialogue. I usually am blaming myself. Yes, guilt is useless. My guilt is very, very slowly going away. I am trying to forgive myself. I tried my best....and I am slowly starting to believe it, without qualifying the statement.

I stopped seeing the severe therapist. She seemed disappointed in me and I couldn't justify paying to lie to her. If I told the truth...she would look at me like I had failed in some large measure.

I just got approved to see the kinder therapists for 10 more sessions and then, that's it. Hopefully, I will be better by then.

Last night, I had another scare. I received a parking ticket for my ill son 3 hours away down South from here. My biggest fear is that he will leave the area. He is very delusional and I feel better knowing that he is somewhat local. I called the bank because he does not have a card and it just says; teller withdrawal. I tell them that, someone stole my card information once, true story, and they give me the bank locations. They tell me that because they are teller withdrawals, they have to show i.d. I just play dumb and they give me the locations. Thankfully, he is still local. He just went on a short trip. Now that I am more relaxed...I am happy for him.

Without this site, I could not even imagine what state of mind I would be in. This site is great...actual real-life insight into your problems from many caring knowledgeable people that have gone, or are going, through the same dilemmas.

We have each others' backs. I have never had such wonderful friends...nonjudgmental open caring friends. May our children feel our combined strength and love! Thank you!

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling Sad,

Cedar helped me a great deal, too. Your update on your son is reassuring.

I am sad, too. I am dealing with the need to get up and function to make a life, even though most of me does not want to. Right under the surface is the grief you speak about. I do whatever I can so that I do not feel it. And then, when something scratches below the surface, there it is. Cedar says I need to learn how to integrate it into who I am.

I guess that means to not stay in bed and to not do anything I can to not feel it. I think that I have not faced fully what it means that my son will not take his medicine or go even to get his blood work does. I mean, I know that it means that the disease will progress and continue damaging his liver. I have not fully faced that I have no control over keeping my son healthy. I accept that he chooses to not get medical treatment. I just do not know how to accept that he will get ill sooner or later and then it will be too late to help him. And that there is nothing I can do. I have tried everything to influence him, to no avail.

I know my son's disease is active. There are some people who are carriers only. And I know he is not among them. I know I have to face that my son may well die while I live.

I do not know how to live knowing that. I guess underneath my skin, I want to die first, and I am trying to do what ever I can to kill myself off. Not my body but my spirit.

I do not want to live on this earth without my son. Yet, I know it is not something that can be chosen.

I know even parents of well children lose them.

How did it come where I am facing this? And to have no control over averting this possible fate?

I do not know how my life came to this. And yet I do know. But I cannot accept it. Yet. I will not.

I guess that is the attitude that is keeping me from living a complete life.

I am thinking about Joe Biden. How he got up from his son's death bed to honor his son and his love for him. I guess that is the place I need to find in myself. I am wondering if it is there.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, you sound like you perceive yourself as weak. You are the strongest woman I have ever met! I wish that I had a fraction of your strength. Yes, I understand what you are talking about, that fragile part just below the surface. Mine is scratched everyday. Either, my outside strength is a thicker layer than I perceived...or my outer layer is becoming stronger. I think, "Don't others see?" But, they don't.

I have two things to say. First off, you have mentioned to me that I receive strength from my work. You even perceived me as eager to return. The first is true...The latter is not. I would have probably never returned had I been given the option to wait until I felt well enough. I am a basket case! I did not marry or divorce well. I need to support myself. My brother spent all of my inheritance.

That being said, it has been very good for me to work! Yes, good! I am forced to drag myself out of bed...shower...look and act 'normal'...and best if all...use my mind. Yes, my perseverating, guilt-infested, negative internal dialoque...mind. I have to appear and be smart. I am forced, yes forced, to think of something other than my son and how it is all my fault! My confidence is slowly coming back. I am helping others...A lot! I actually find myself laughing, literally laughing.

Best of all, my trip from my self-imposed Hell gets longer and better each day. I am not all bad. I am not a total failure. I can actually help others. I am sleeping better because I am truly tired.

This brings me to you...my dear friend. The one who told me that, even depressed, I should try to find a male companion. This is the one, who said, "Two can play at this". Well, you, my friend, have a great gift. You are able to always, on all of the threads, find words to heal and help others. Take your grief and sadness of the unknown and dive into a new job. You would be a great boon to any type of helping field! Create a job for yourself. Start off volunteering. But, get out there.

My next point is this. Mind you, this is coming from a parent that failed at this technique. My son is much, much further from reality and was not a talker. I have read that to argue falsehoods is useless. If your son feels that there is going to be an earthquake, do not argue. Yes, you could calmly state that you see it differently, but give him the right to believe it. Now, this part is crucial. Empathize with him. Do not patronize, but empathize about how stressed he must feel. Or, how important it is to keep up his health and strength to be always prepared for a disaster. If he was ill, could he flee or be strong enough to survive? Talk about stamina or how long hospitals or stores would be closed due to destruction or running out of supplies. I have found, a soft sell is always the best. Yes, inside you will be screaming, but outside stay calm. Talk about what you are doing to stay strong physically.

Young men do not feel that they will die anytime soon. Most adults start to face it in their 50's or when their health goes south.

A strong, healthy mom is a gift to give your son. He will feel less pressured when he sees that you are active and doing things...not just worrying about him. My sons, especially my ill one, do not see how their bad choices stress me out or cause sickly worry. Yes, it would be great if they did realize this fact and stopped to save us pain. This site would not need to exist... We cannot hold our breath.

I tried a reward system with my ill son. See a doctor for medications and you get a new computer screen. Yes...you got it right. He went alone, per his rules, received a prescription, filled it, and I bought him a new large screen. He told the doctor that he was only depressed, just got antidepressants, received said new screen, lied about taking them, and then stopped. He now had a new screen. Magic!!!

My last point is this... Yes, I said 2...now it is my third. I remember someone telling me that we do not know the future. Hmmm... who was that? That we cannot predict what actions will be taken or thoughts will be experienced by our children. We do not know what the future holds. Do not go down that road. None of us know what the future may bring. We cannot always think that B follows A. In life, it might be A, then F, then C, etc. Do not grieve your son. He might start going. You do not know. You are like me...Twenty steps ahead down the road.

You spoke of a program or study he was in. Does he earn a stipend? That would be a reward from them. Does the hospital have a support group? Even mentally stable young adults, especially males, to not like to face a serious illness. A group might have ideas.

Or maybe, a small monetary reward from you if he takes "his time out of his busy day" to take part in the study. They would be able to tell you if he is current and on their medications. Not for going, but rather, volunteering his time to help others...to find a cure for others, etc.

It is like my paying the toll booth to keep the car, i.e. me going by keeping money in my son's account. Remember that clever analogy? Yes, intrinsic rewards are better than extrinsic rewards, but use whatever will work at this point.

Does he worry about your lungs? Discuss with him how you treat it so that he will not have to worry about you. Or, if you worried less, your over health would improve...

What is good for the goose, is good for the....goosling! Did you see what I did there....?

Truly warm hugs (still no air in my classroom for 6 weeks).

 

[Copabanana]

I am less worried about the psychiatric than I am with his liver. He was born with Hepatitis B and we found out by accident when he was 19. Somehow, even though I took him to be tested at a Children's Hospital Infectious Disease Clinic, it was missed.

At the time my son was born there was mandatory testing of infants at birth, because there was an antidote that could be given within 24 hours which would eliminate the disease. Evidently he was not tested then either. I went and got him immunized in middle school, not knowing the disease was inside of him.

If he took antivirals it would kill the virus, and possibly the underlying disease. He goes to a University Liver Transplant Clinic. It is not a study.

I have no leverage with my son. I have tried everything. I even volunteered to go with him to the Big City on the train, an 8 hour trip. The train was 3 hours late. We missed the appointment. When we got there I was so stressed out I was physically ill. I told him go ahead to the University and I will wait at Starbucks. Tell them what happened and get your blood work done. That will show respect to the doctor. He left and came back half hour later saying there was a fight on the subway and he had to come back. (?)

I went to where he was living (while he was here in my town) and took him to get his blood work done and he picked a fight. The other time I took him he said it was too late.

It is apparent he does not want treatment or fears it. I try to tell him how much it means to me, he means to me. If it enters his head at all, I do not see it.

My son does not know about my lungs.

M, my SO, says the same thing as you, that I need to be strong for my son, for when he needs me. He says I am giving up without fighting. After he said that, I was mad for a while to punish him, and then I felt very sad. I have never quit anything before, that I recall, except a bad job.

I understand in my head what I am doing. The phrase "dance on his grave" comes to mind. How can I dance on my son's grave, even if peril to him may not come for years, or after my death? I do not want to die but there is something in me that does not want to live a life of triumph, either, if my son is at risk. My son is at risk.

The only thing that I cannot argue with is this: I must be healthy so that I may care for him or help him when he may need it.

My SO believes that I am at a point where my health is so vulnerable I am more vulnerable than my son. He said that about my Mother too, as she was dying. I thought I would die then. This is what has kept me down for so long. I have received a one, two punch. And now I do not know how to live anymore.

I am blaming M, my SO. Because until today, all of this was under wraps, until he told me I am quitting.

I was feeling better even though underneath I was not better. To be honest, I would rather feel better, even if I am not better, but I know that is foolish. But, it feels better. Duh.

I will get better. I understand I am better off feeling what is truly bothering me. Then at least I have a chance of getting better. Thank you for caring, FS.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, I am not trying to avoid your point. You are trying to emotionally face your son's declining health. I hear you. I understand why you are trying to face it.

When faced with my brain tumor, the prognosis was not all rosy. I planned for every possible bad outcome. Every one. Death, mentally deficicient, stoke, right-sided paralysis, and loss of memory. All of these outcomes were brought up by the surgical team. I planned for all of them. Then, and only then, could I relax.

Your are trying to face a possible outcome. No one knows right now. Yes, your son is going to probably get worse without help down the road. We do not know what the future holds.

I have known men, who put off treating something, and then they, finally on their own get help. When they feel a change or when they feel they want to go.

My second husband's life was saved by yours truly. The same man who never cared about my health. He was having extreme pain on one side. I pressed down hard and when I let go...He had extreme pain. I had read about appendicitis. I called a hospital...they told me to get him in fast. He had no medical coverage yet...newly married. (I later got him covered retroactive.) Anyway , he kept telling at me to leave him alone...He just had the flu. I finally said that you had better let me rake you in NOW or you will have 4 burly,expensive paramedics here soon. He complied. He was cheap! He got there just in time. The doctor said a few minutes later... and my new husband would have been dead.

We do not know what he will chose to do or when. His fear of dying might override his fear of possible disasters or conspiracies. Go to a support group for parents with his liver disease. They could have insight into how to gently guide, ...or forcefully compel, him to go for treatment.

Copa, he is truly blessed to have your as his mother...and he knows it! It would not change that...remember?

 

[Copabanana]

I think that is a very good idea about the support group for family members of people with liver disease. If I ever thought about that, I have forgotten. I will google right now to see if I can find one. I would have to travel but it is worth it. Maybe there is something online. Thank you, FS.

You are right. I am trying to write the end of the story. With the worst possible of endings. He could grow up. In time. Thank you. I will go look right now.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Look. I already found this.

Most people who assist a family member or friend with liver disease do not think of ... A social worker may be able to help you find support groups in your area.

 

[Feeling Sad]

You are not quitting. You are going crazy with fear for your son.

You are trying to prepare yourself. I understand that.

Why, may I ask, did you chose to not tell him about your illness? It might make your son more Iill or depressed. Or the inverse. He might get closer to you to help you. He would perhaps want to cause you less worry. See a therapist about it and get advice.

I have been not caring about my health. The dqy I felt like I lost my son forever. The day the restraining order was served. I was not caring at all about my health. I skipped appointments to check if my brain tumor is still gone. I am prediabetic. I fear that it is true diabetes now. I have stopped my daily walking, I eat junk, and I started to drink, a small amount, but drinking for diabetes is bad. I have diabetic neuropathy. It has spread from my feet and hands to my legs and arms. I do not care. If my son is going to suffer or die, or I will never see him again...I do not care. About a week ago, when my nicer therapist told me that if I had tried longer with my ill son, that I could be dead, my guilt lessened. I started to walk again. Coincidence? Maybe, but probably not. I was trying to kill myself. My son had tried, but now...I was actually doing it to myself. Ironic. I have alarms on my house. But, on me?

If he suffered then I would suffer. The glitch is what you mentioned, Copa. Who would be around for them when they reach out or need us? Should we really be the sacrificial lambs. Is this our purpose in life. Would our sons, before they were ill, ever want this for us. We have others that need and want us now. The fact that they are not acting upon our advice right now does not negate our individual importance of who were are...caring, loving women.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Good job, Copa. You go, girl!

 

[Copabanana]

My son gets frantic when he thinks I am not taking care of my self. He gets agitated. Go figure. To him, I am supposed to follow this special diet. Coconut oil or something. Supplements. No sugar. Etc.

He would worry horribly and he could not see the similarity of our situations. It would make him worse, not better.

I am not saying I will not tell him.

FS, if I had the threat of a medical illness like the possibility of a brain tumor or diabetes, I would be very compliant with treatment. Why not try to help each other? We can each list 3 proactive activities and 3 different medically related follow-up contacts (or appointments) we will commit to making.

I will start: For medical follow-ups I need a mammogram and blood work. I will also commit to going to all 3 of my physical therapy appointments (I went to one this week.) That is 3. I also need to get an eyeglass prescription filled. That would be 4. So, I will do 3 of the 4. I need also to go to an Ear Doctor for my hearing.

For proactive activities next week I will: walk 5 days for 45 minutes each day with one of the dogs. I will go to a needlework class on Friday. I will call an acquaintance to go for coffee or to lunch. I will call the lady about a spinning wheel class. (That is only a possibility.)

It's your turn, now.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Does work count??? Just joking...

Ok. I will schedule my MRI with and without contrast for my brain. I will walk each night for 40 minutes. Maybe 30, I do PE on Tuesdays and Fridays...I will cut back down on carbs. I will maybe sign up for a literacy project at the nearest college, paid by district and I might get a free trip next Summer out of it... I might be afraid of flying since my craniotomy, though.

Deal?

 

[New Leaf]

You are both truly amazing women. Helping others while your own lives seem impossible.

Copa, you have made some very powerful, helpful points on this site. Feeling Sad, you have given so much of yourself, while dealing with horrendous circumstances. I am fortified by both of your strength and perseverance.

I hope you are both able to overcome your challenges and follow your goals. In taking care and worrying about others, sometimes we forget to care for ourselves.

You both have much love, light, insight and incredible value in a difficult world.

Thank you for the help you have given me through your stories.

 

[Copabanana]

OK. Deal.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, New Leaf. We are all strong...for ourselves and our children. You, too have helped many others on this site, me included.

Copa, sleep deprivation. I gave you 2 and 2. I will schedule an appointment with a neurologist, he or she uas to rwad my results and I might join a new district choir that is starting up for the first time...

Now...deal?

New Leaf...feel free to sign on the dotted line...

 

[Feeling Sad]

You agreed with 2 and 2...should I take the other 2 back?? Ha ha ha...

 

[Copabanana]

No!!! I was biting my tongue to not nag you about getting blood work done!!@!

PS I am giving you XTRA credit for the choir.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Now..now. They will probably make me do it anyway, if that makes you feel better.