From bad to worse...much, much worse.

[Jabberwockey]

I know that honey. I just hope that it doesn't last forever.

Not forever but it will be a while.

 

[Lil]

When we push people into a corner with the questions we ask, they are going to come out swinging.

Yes.

I should never have said what I did. Maybe we should have just said nothing at all and just listened to him...let him rant his nonsense ... because it is usually nonsense...until he ranted himself out. But he doesn't. He gets so worked up and crying and just hysterical sometimes. And I don't know what to do.

I do know that I made it worse.

Then Jabber lost his temper and he made it worse too.

And our son escalated it threefold by screaming to call the police and that he'd kill himself and actually getting physical.

It all built. But at this point...I don't know what to do about it. So far, only our son has apologized.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Maybe we should have just said nothing at all and just listened to him...let him rant his nonsense ... because it is usually nonsense...until he ranted himself out.

That was part of the problem. We tried that but he quickly escalated to "Poor Pitiful Me" mode which just kind of set us both off. Besides, you know as well as I do that when he gets like that he isn't looking for a sympathetic ear. He is looking for affirmation. He wants confirmation that he is doing things correctly and that his problems aren't his fault. In other words, he wants us to purchase his ticket for the next cruise up Denile.

 

[Lil]

Well...he passed the drug test, because he got the job! It's only 20 hours a week, but there's that. He'll get paid weekly, so he'll get some pay before he leaves if he goes to Job Corps...which he intends to do.

He complained a bit about the living situation...but when I mentioned that even without electricity he has a place to sleep...he said he won't go back because of the roaches. He said they are now so bad that they're in the TV...in the VCR, the stove, the freezer and he can't even walk in there.

I'm filing a complaint with the housing authority when this is done.

I can't believe that he never asked for help with THAT. That's something I actually would have raised a stink about until the landlord did something.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil that is great news and you needed some great news!

Who knows, Lil, sometimes all seems hopeless and then it starts to turn around. I am always and ever hopeful for any sign of good, and so let's pause....and be glad for this. Just relish this one moment for a moment.

And maybe he sees that he CAN do something. And maybe he will decide that by goodness, he doesn't want to live with cockroaches and the way not to live with cockroaches is to do something different...himself.

I couldn't look at the pictures of mold in my son's last apartment. He still likes to shock and awe so he did show me a picture of a horrible centipede like thing that was in the corner of their apartment. Somebody told him those things come out when there is a lot of moisture, like the mold. He said mold was growing all over their dishes, inside their cabinets, on the floors, everywhere, after the water leak.

He ended up staying there for more than a month after this happened. Then, he found another place, himself.

My new reaction to things that I don't care to see...is not to see them. I used to torture myself with all kinds of I-have-to-know-all-of-the-details-information about him.

Today I don't. Yes, it's awful to live in mold and with cockroaches but it usually doesn't kill you.

I know none of us ever imagined we would be talking about these types of things with our children, but folks...here we are. It is reality.

The question is: how to we deal with reality? Like I started out here, my take is to create, maintain and keep some good healthy distance between the details of my life and the details of his life.

That's good for me.

So glad!!! Hope it works like we all hope it will.

 

[Lil]

I just really hope he can stay where he is until he leaves for Job Corps. I would hate at this point - with a job and with a destination in mind - to have something more go wrong.

Knocking on wood, rubbing rabbits feet, crossing fingers and praying a LOT that it just maintains until he leaves.

I just realized that there is a limited window to clean the place out too. I'm having surgery on the 22nd and won't be able to help after that. Clothes/bedding/anything we're storing for him, will have to be taken to a Laundromat, because I won't have them in my house until I know the roaches are gone from them. I know that HE should do the cleaning but he won't.. and we get to do it without electricity. But the deposit is OUR money and I'd like it back!

Although we might take a look and decide to let the landlord keep it. Even my son said we should just throw away any furniture because it's infested. Good Lord.

I hate bugs.

 

[DoneDad]

Yes.

I should never have said what I did. Maybe we should have just said nothing at all and just listened to him...let him rant his nonsense ... because it is usually nonsense...until he ranted himself out. But he doesn't. He gets so worked up and crying and just hysterical sometimes. And I don't know what to do.

All we can do is try to learn from these experiences. Don't give him the chance to yell and rant at you. You don't deserve that. If he calls and does it, hang up. If you're going to meet him in person set up the situation so you can leave if he starts getting abusive. Make sure it's a public place. You don't have to listen to his nonsense.

The Job Corp thing sounds good on a lot of levels. Don't let him use that to manipulate you into doing what he wants though.

"I can't go to Job Corps until you pay my court costs."

"I can't go to Job Corps until I do my community service and I'll need a place to live so I have to move home."

Etc.

 

[Jabberwockey]

"I can't go to Job Corps until you pay my court costs."

"I can't go to Job Corps until I do my community service and I'll need a place to live so I have to move home."

Etc.

Yeah, even HE knows that aint gonna happen!

 

[Tanya M]

Well...he passed the drug test, because he got the job! It's only 20 hours a week, but there's that.

Considering all that has happened him landing a job is huge!! I hope that it give his self esteem a boost.

I should never have said what I did. Maybe we should have just said nothing at all and just listened to him...let him rant his nonsense ... because it is usually nonsense...until he ranted himself out. But he doesn't. He gets so worked up and crying and just hysterical sometimes. And I don't know what to do.

One thing I have learned in dealing with my son is I no longer offer him any advice. When he goes into a rant/complaining I keep my response very simple, "I'm sorry you are have a difficult time" if he asks for advice I tell him "I'm sure you will be able to figure it out on your own" Sometimes easier said than done but it keeps the confrontations down.

I do hope you have a calm and peaceful evening.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Lil,

Sounds like there are some light rays shining through. I hope your son runs with these new chances.

I have been reading along this latest news and feeling for/with you, Jabber and your son. husband and I have been there when our difficult child was about your son's age. I hurt for you. And, husband and I often reacted out of anger. Sure, looking back, we would have done it differently. But, duh, in this chaos created by our difficult child's, how often can we re-think and re-do? The crazy stuff just happens.

This was several posts back, but yes, when you think it cannot get any worse (police called), it gets better. Our darkest moments, when we think there is no hope, are NOT the end of the story.

Just looking back on my own story, I hope, hope, hope your son takes this opportunity.

This also reminds me of the time I met difficult child on the road and he flipped me off. This was, obviously, a different scenario from what you experienced, but that moment is ever emblazoned in my brain. I gave birth to him (and it hurt), I loved and nurtured him, took him to Baskin Robbins when his dad worked late (full time school and full time work). We danced, we sang along to Elton John in the car, we played CandyLand (I often let him win) and He.Flipped.Me.Off?!?!?!

back to you....hang in there, be especially kind to yourselves and hope for the best. We are all here for you and are pulling for your family.

SS

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You know, the one memory that my husband holds onto is when we picked up Difficult Child to do some yard work to earn some money, fed her and he even went out and got her a gift card to get herself some shoes. When she was leaving, she wanted to take some couch pillows from upstairs and I had said no, take these others. She threw a fit and stated yelling and screaming. I told her we were leaving and I was bringing her back. Once she got in the car and husband came outside (to continue the yelling and screaming - my husband used to be a major hothead!!), Difficult Child was sagely in the car and have him the middle finger.

I am hoping that finally gets purged this coming weekend...

 

[pasajes4]

I do not post about my difficult child very often. I do not have to. The posts about your son's antics mirror my kiddos behavior right down to his choice of words. Is there some secret school where they learn this? I want to burn it to the ground.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We danced, we sang along to Elton John in the car, we played CandyLand (I often let him win) and He.Flipped.Me.Off?!?!?!

You have come a long way too Seeking, like me. It feels good to stand on our own power, again. Like we are dangerous.



Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, that's amazingly great news! Maybe this is his turning point. Once we pull out, and they believe that we will, often that is when they finally start to do things for themselves. I hope this is the case for your son. I so wish all of your family the best.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Is there some secret school where they learn this? I want to burn it to the ground.

If you find it, let me know. I will bring the gas and HE.

 

[Lil]

HE

Took me a minute to realize that what that meant. LOL....A little explosion wouldn't be amiss in that case. But I don't think it's a school...I think it's a hive mind situation. Like the Borg. We just need to find the queen.

Being me, I have now turned to worrying about other things...like what's going to happen when he gets there and hates it and either 1) quits or 2) gets kicked out. I try to be hopeful...but I can't say I really am this time. Maybe it's just too soon. Maybe its that he quits every thing. Maybe it's that I just know him...he hates curfews and restrictions and rules and basically they are the army without the hikes and guns. Only the army punishes you if you do something wrong and Job Corps just kicks you out. I'm worried because he'll be in with a bunch of inner-city kids like he's never known before. I'm worried because he probably isn't really ready for change...He thinks changes happen to you. He doesn't "get" that changes happen inside you.

Then again, he managed to live at the shelter for a few months. It can't be worse than that. Maybe, unlike college where there were a bunch of kids blowing off classes and living on loans or their parents, this is a place where you go when you are serious about trying to better yourself? Maybe the other students will be serious, and that will rub off? And I suppose, realistically, if he gets kicked out there he'll be in no worse position than he's in now.

I'm just not optimistic.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Sorry, should have explained that HE = High Explosives.

 

[Jabberwockey]

But I don't think it's a school...I think it's a hive mind situation. Like the Borg. We just need to find the queen.

Unfortunately, a better geek analogy would be Skynet. Its in the internet so its all over the world so its impossible to destroy!

Borg are from Star Trek and Skynet is from Terminator for all those non-geeks out there.

 

[Childofmine]

I understand so well the endless circular thinking and worrying about them. It is exhausting and fruitless Lil.

I hope you can do some kind things for yourself today and turn a bit of the focus back on you.

You deserve some good things right now.

It is what it is and it will be what it will be.

Hugs.

 

[DoneDad]

At various times I thought they were like pod-people in Invasion of the Body Snatchers where they look the same but they act totally different. Or they're like zombies.

Let me know if you find the mother-ship (wish it were that simple!)