Got another call

Helpless29

Active Member
Got another call from my son yesterday at 1:15am in the morning, I didn’t answer because I knew he probably was drunk , he called a few times & then left message, asked if I had a extra room for him in my new mansion (it’s just a bigger house) but in his mind , it’s a mansion, he said he didn’t want to be on his own at 18 teen, said life was ok where he’s living but he wanted his mom & referred to my husband as his dad. He said please mom let me live with you & then hung up .He did sound drunk or on something but also so lonely & sad , it was heartbreaking & made me cry. I don’t know why I listened it to it over & over again , I just kept playing it why?? I don’t know.I tried texting him today & told him I love him but no response. I’m so heartbroken, he sounded so sad . I don’t know what I could do to help him .He just begged in the message to come live with us :(
 
Helpless, I'm so sorry I would feel exactly the same. Hugs to you. You have other children at home. If he came home he would have to be clean and stick to your rules to the letter....TO THE LETTER!! Could he do that? Probably not...It's gut wrenching and I feel so bad for your poor mommy heart. I don't know what to advise.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
He has a warrant for his arrest. Please think about it from your head not your heart. Then decide. I know. It's excutiating for us.

Although we never turned Kay into the police when she got violent, and we probably would have helped her avoid a warrant too, I just want to share that I am sorry that we had not reacted differently than we had. Nobody can tell you what to do but we can share our experiences. Second and third chances and a ton of money to "help" Kay just made it all the harder when we finally told her we were done. Being loving parents rather than parents with boundaries did not help her one bit. In fact it gave her the idea that we should always rescue her. She exploded on us when we finally stopped.

In the middle of the night your son had probably been drinking even if he didn't sound like it. It is up to you how you respond. But you can't help him just as we could not help Kay.

One thing we did stick to was that Kay could not live with us again after she threw a vase at my son's neck and came close to hitting him with it. But we bought her a few places to live and when that didn't work out (Kay was always still Kay) we paid her rent. She and her husband were always so loud and disruptive that they got evicted. They also refused to pay the little we asked of them, such as utilities. Now they are homeless and on all sorts of monetary programs from the state. Not saying this will happen to your son if you help him. Just telling our story. It is all I have to share.

Those messages from the middle of the night are soooo hard. I know Kay only did that when she wanted something. It was always about her needs, never anyone else. That's why we finally put the phone in a drawer during certain hours.

in my opinion your son is manipulating you. Even calling your house a mansion...in my opinion he said that to make you feel guilty. Kay did this a lot, leaving passive aggressive messages like that "Maybe you have enough money to give some to your hungry daughter and grandchild? I need to buy food." She would throw a fit if we offered to shop with her. She wanted cash only probably for drugs. Anyway these words used this way were her way of letting us know she thought we were rich. Also the only time she admitted to being my daughter was when she wanted a favor. She used our grandson to make us feel horrible and it worked until Kay finally relinquished custody of him to our other daughter.

I found that although Kay played us well, Kay never got away with anything from outsiders. Although she was never put in jail, she got evicted probably a record amount of times for the same reasons. Few of our kids learn easily or embrace getting help. Your son can turn his life around but he needs an incentive to do so in my opinion.

How did your son behave last time he was home? That's how it would be this time. Also I'm not in law enforcement or a lawyer, but would YOU get into trouble for allowing him to live with you while he has a warrant? This I don't know.

These are hard choices we face with no easy choices.

Hugs and love.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Hard decision... if I were to consider it:

1. Has to clear up legal stuff first

2. Has to pass a drug test

3. Has to be ok with random tests

4. Sign a contract about behaviors at home. Boundaries.

5. Pay rent. Which I would then save and return when moves out IF it was going to pay for deposit and rent for his own place. Ksm
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

I think it is possible that he refers to your new home as a mansion to guilt you. Using that term makes you feel like you have all of these resources, and he has none. This is designed to manipulate you and to make you feel bad, and tug at your heartstrings if you do not bring him home. This is what I think.

He is STILL missing the point. He left your home several times because he did things you could not tolerate, or he ran off to do things that you would not tolerate in your home, especially in light of the fact that you have younger children. All of this he knows. He wants to overlook this reality--and he wants you to forget it, too.

You HAVE tried to help him over and over again. I am getting repetitive but I want to make the point. What he has chosen to do is to expose himself and the family to bad people and bad behavior. I am not being harsh. I like your son a lot. I just think he is immature and he needs to begin to make the link between his behavior and choices--and the consequences that he is living.

I know that you know this. It is just really, really difficult for all of us. I agree with ksm 100 percent that there has to be a way that he is held accountable so that he will begin to hold himself accountable. (outstanding warrant, drug issues, etc.)There are realities here that have nothing at all to do with feelings. In that I agree with Busy.

Anyway. I feel bad you are sad but I am glad you posted.
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Helpless:

I totally agree with the others. Copa nailed it.

If I had been easy on my son he probably would not be on this earth. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I am so glad that God gave me the strength to do it. I am so happy with our outcome that I want to shout it on the mountaintops! I know every situation is different and that we always think ours is a special one and each and every one truly is special!!

Your son wants to put the cart before the horse. He has chosen to live this hard life. HIM not YOU. They'd like to do as they wish and have us foot the bill and suffer the consequences and many of us do that until WE wise up. This is truly a fight for life or death in my opinion; it was for us; I know that to be true.

It is normal that you are sad. You need to give yourself some self-compassion and realize how hard this is on you. It's okay to grieve for yourself too. You must. This is a very hard time in your life and I hope and pray that it all ends well for you and that your son figures this thing out.

A mother is only as happy as her saddest child.

My son still does not acknowledge what happened to our family and someday I know that we will need to have that very hard conversation but for now I am just happy.

Bad times make us appreciate the good times so much more....
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Helpless:

I totally agree with the others. Copa nailed it.

If I had been easy on my son he probably would not be on this earth. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I am so glad that God gave me the strength to do it. I am so happy with our outcome that I want to shout it on the mountaintops! I know every situation is different and that we always think ours is a special one and each and every one truly is special!!

Your son wants to put the cart before the horse. He has chosen to live this hard life. HIM not YOU. They'd like to do as they wish and have us foot the bill and suffer the consequences and many of us do that until WE wise up. This is truly a fight for life or death in my opinion; it was for us; I know that to be true.

It is normal that you are sad. You need to give yourself some self-compassion and realize how hard this is on you. It's okay to grieve for yourself too. You must. This is a very hard time in your life and I hope and pray that it all ends well for you and that your son figures this thing out.

A mother is only as happy as her saddest child.

My son still does not acknowledge what happened to our family and someday I know that we will need to have that very hard conversation but for now I am just happy.

Bad times make us appreciate the good times so much more....
Sent him a text last night of shelters to go to for youth & he responded back to me “your something else that’s I why I block your number & ignore you for months”
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Well when my son was in his days of bad behavior I don't think he was mad at himself at all!

He resented us for things we did not do for him. It was obvious he did not care at all about what we thought or how we felt. I did not like him at all. Sometimes I even hated him for doing this to himself and to us and to his brothers and to our family.

That made it easier when we sent him to live in Florida. I pushed my instinctive feelings out of my system (with much help from therapy, prayer etc.) and knew we were all going to do this the "hard way". Okay fine, that's how you want it, that's how you'll get it.

Stay strong.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
I sent him places to get impatient long term help, told him I can take him & help him get in , but he has to want to get help but this just made him angry. I know he just started a job at UPS night shift and I guess his girlfriend snuck him in last night to sleep . Not sure how long this will last but he knows he needs money to survive so hopefully it will work out, the pay is very good. Not sure where he’s sleeping tonight maybe he will use my resources.
 
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