Hard times.

[Copabanana]

A friend of mine once told me, "Don't let him kill your happiness. Don't let him ruin your life. If you do, HE WINS!"

Try not to let him win!

Daze

My problem is this: he and I feel like the same person to me. I cannot want for myself so much as I want for him to be better and whole and not to suffer.

I have read the detachment memo. I see the problem I have. But that's where we are.

Uh oh.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Copa,

Please know that I am reading along and you and your son are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry. You are a beacon of kindness and caring to the rest of us on CD and I hate that you are dealing with more tough stuff.

If it helps at all, your son is saying the same things many on CD have heard, including myself. I well remember, posting while feeling misery and fear at my core, that our Difficult Child was hinting at taking his own life. It is not an uncommon threat on our forum.

These "kids" will say anything, without any thought to us, to work us around to financial assistance. Others have voiced this, but there is no point in figuring out anything personal toward us. It is absolutely not about us. It is all about them getting what they want. It took me several years, with the help of CD, to finally get that.

 

[Deni D]

I’m so sorry Copa. I am praying for you and your son. I have no words of wisdom, only hugs, and a deep understanding of what you are going through.

 

[Littleboylost]

My dear Copa the sting in your eye and the arrow in your heart are palpable with every work you write.

There are no answers to the questions you ask. There is life after pain and a separation of child and self.
I know the pain of those words your son spoke. My i n sons last works before 30 days in isolated rehab with only 1 phone call a day ....to us ....wish it hadn’t been us. Hisbterna if you endearment went something like this
F U YOUR NOT MY MOTHER
I WISH I HAD NEVR BEEN BORN
I WISH I WAS THE BABY EATEN BY YOUR TUMOR AND I WISH THE CANCER KILLED TOU.
the pain the grief and the reality of it all is so very painful.
I wish I could find a magic eraser and take all of our pain away. I know I can’t.

I reached for tools to help me survive. One was this amazing site. I read everything I could get my hands on, I joined Naranon and I slowly ever si slowly began to detach...with love and regain me.

I was swalled whole by my son and his addiction.

I am in a better place, and granted so is he for the present time.

Wh n he wasn’t I learned to wade through the pain and find a way for myself to thrive.

RE introduced me to Pima and her works. They were some very valueless tools that helped me gain perspective and survive.
https://youtu.be/sLw5QFaFUgI
If this link does not work please let me know. This woman truly spoke to my heart and helped me heal.

One day at a time and what food did worry every do?

I keep you in my thoughts and my version of prayers.

Some times the most loving thing we can do is to not help them kill themselves.

I remember reading Gabor Matte’s work and throwing it down out of anger, how dare he say my sone was in pain...from what?! How dare he suggest this. And the reality is, it is my sons pain and he is in pain. He needs to msnGevrhis Journey.

If love could cure this none of us would be here.
I wish so much that I could take you from n where you are emotionally to a place of calm understanding and love. As impossible as this may seem. It is doable.

So many here helped to teach me this.

Stay strong and remember. Nothing changes is nothing changes.

Sorry for the typos. On my phone as my IPAD is at A GFs ...forgot it when I was visiting.

 

[Copabanana]

You see, I want him to win. But fair and square.

I know he targets me not out of malevolence, but utility

I am the only safe target. I am the only person alive over whom he has control. The only living person with whom he can be wholly himself.

That it is so destructive to me is my own responsibility to deal with. Not his.

That is where we are now. With this, I have chosen. Myself.

I am beginning to see the victory in this, with your help.

I have a sweet life with m. We are safe here.(to a point, but that's another story ) that is to be cherished and protected.

We have been reading spiritual books today, in my faith. Buying a dozen more, including Bibles and prayer books in English and Spanish and Hebrew.

I am a Jew.. We will begin to celebrate shabbat together, in Spanish and Hebrew. This gives me great solace.

We are here with our animals.

I bought the most beautiful new duvet cover. A bargain. It is lilac. With Japanese images. Somehow the beauty is not conveyed by this description.

You can see the Google image. The cranes by Surya. And I bought a Velvet diamond quilt in amethyst to go with it.

I shop compulsively to deal with stress and depression. Not good. Much is going back. But not this bedding.

I have to take pleasure where it comes.

You can tell I feel better.

I am very sad for him and worried and scared. But this is our only chance. Not just for him. For me. I am factoring myself into the equation. Finally. I matter. Finally.

Thank you. .

 

[Crayola13]

My city offers a free healthcare clinic for the homeless once a month. Does your city have one so he can get the boil checked?

 

[Copabanana]

Yes. Whether he will do so is unclear. So sad and scared today. Duvet or no duvet.....thank you.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Copa,

I'm getting caught up on some posts I've missed. You have tried so very hard for your son. You have afforded him many options and opportunities. You truly have left no stone un-turned.
I know the deep heartache you feel. I've been there with my son. The highs and lows I went through with my son robbed me of so much energy. As you know, I've been successfully detached from my son for quite some time and in doing that I have been able to move on and live my life for myself.
In the beginning it all felt so foreign and wrong. How could I be happy while my son was living a homeless life? Would I ever be able to stop worrying and wondering? It took time but I was able to move past those emotions.
I will never stop hoping that someday my son will choose to live a different life, one that is more conventional, one that does not involve being homeless, one that involves him having a job, one where he an I might be able to go to lunch and have an actual conversation that does not turn into my son wanting to argue and dominate.
Yes, there is always hope but as I've said before, I allow myself to hold onto 1% of that hope. Hope is wonderful thing but must be tempered with reality.
All the horrible things your son has said to you, I too have been on the receiving end of venomous, hateful comments from my son. Know this, deep down in your son and mine, they do not really mean those things. They are unhappy with their lives and we, the moms are the easiest target for their misplaced anger. That is what it is, their misplaced anger. I know with my son, his pride and ego get in the way. He would never want to admit that he is the one who has messed up his own life, I mean really admit it. Of course over the years he has had "humble" moments where he is contrite and has expressed how he knows he needs to change but that has always just been a ploy to manipulate.

Copa, you sound good, you sound strong, you are moving in the right direction. Oh, and by the way, you are so not a loser! What you are is a kind, loving mother who has done everything within her power to set her child on the right path. You are also someone who has shared so much on these pages, you have touched peoples lives in a good way.

Sending you ((HUGS)) today dear lady.

 

[Lil]

Oh Copa I am so incredibly sad for your heartache. I haven't been on this board for a few days and just now saw this. I remember too well the feeling that I'd never see my son again - I wouldn't wish that feeling on the worst person in the world. I wish I could give you comfort and big hugs and tell you it will all be alright.

Well, I can tell you the latter. I do not think you have lost your son forever. Many times you've been here - I know you have. Many times he's taken off. Many times he's come back. Each one feels like THE one - the one you won't get past. But you do and you will and I believe that he'll be back.

I am the only safe target. I am the only person alive over whom he has control. The only living person with whom he can be wholly himself.

The only person alive anyone has control over is themselves. He can only control you if you give him that power Copa. Without your acquiescence, he can't control you any more than you control him. It's clear you know that isn't healthy for either of you.

Hang in there my dear Copa.

 

[Nomad]

I too do not think you’ve lost your son.
I do think this great great difficulty is likely to lead to improvement for him.
Prayers.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Your heart is broken because you care. Because even though he treats you horribly, you still feel responsibility and love for him.

And this is the ammunition that they use against us.

How many times have I posted to others that we have no control? That we must stay in our own lane, on our own paths out of their way? Pure words.

And you keep right on posting it, because its true. As Lil said, the only person ANYONE has any control over is themselves.

 

[Wish]

My son told me this a couple hours ago, when he stood outside my car. (To follow.)

We would not let him in to shower. He said everybody had been telling him he smelled. He cannot bear being dirty.. He said he had blisters on his feet and I believe him. His beard had greyed in 4 days. He had a boil on his chin under his beard. He looks like the worst street person. He has not changed his clothes or bathed since we kicked him out.

I would not drive him anywhere. Nine days ago we told him to leave our property (the other one.) I went to the police and filed a letter of trespass as he was squatting in the yard. Two times this week the police came, as he refused to leave my house, and made suicidal statements. He forced his way into my house. I told him I am afraid of him. I was on the brink of filing a restraining order.

The reason we (finally) made him leave our other property is that he refused to pay rent. Well he had always resisted. He wants all his money for marijuana, cigarettes, energy drinks, etc.

There is a repetitive cycle: he is arrogant, domineering and aggressive the first part of the month when his ssi check comes. Within 12 days all his money is gone. He becomes humble and conciliatory. He promises to pay rent on the first. He says he will divide his money on four cards so his money lasts the month. We have helped him, but less and less. The promised changes never happen.

He has cycled downwards. Every bit of help I have given has helped him go down. I offered to pay a private psychologist. I have urged him to do a smorgasbord of beneficial things. You know the drill. All the want is mine.

So this is what he told me:

It started this way.

I am going to the big city to get treatment. I will not return here for a long time.

When I would not drive him where he wanted to go he said this:

You are not my mother, (inserting my name.) I never want to talk to you again. I don't want your money when you die. I never want to see you again. I will never forgive you for adopting me.

And he walked away.

He trashes us to people. We were told he had been plotting to force us to evict him. He lies to the police that he paid rent on my house.

I have read stories like mine dozens of times. I know that I have tried too hard. I have left no stone unturned. He is uninterested in changing. M says he does not believe my son is anywhere close to wanting to change.

Why is my heart broken? When will I ever not feel this heartbreak?

I am very sad.

Oh Copa, how did I miss your post until now?? I am so sorry your heart is breaking. I couldn't even imagine seeing my son being a disheveled homeless looking person. How hard is that to see and feel to your mommy core? Of course your heartbroken.

There is a repetitive cycle: he is arrogant, domineering and aggressive the first part of the month when his ssi check comes

I am not sure what he is on disability for or if it even matters, but there is such a thing called a "payee" where a designated person becomes in charge of the recipient's social security checks. It filters through the payee first to disperse the monies appropriately for the recipient. I'm not sure if you even want to see about doing that, but it is an option. This way you can determine where the money is allocated (paying yourselves the rent which is total legal and what is suppose to happen if he is living with you or on your property) and give whatever is left over to him. Most payee's are parents or family members. Payee is in total control of the social security payments. You may already know all of this, but in case you didn't.

Sending you love

***Edited****

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you everybody..

Wish. thank you. A few years ago we went to social security, together, my son and I, and requested I be the payee. We spoke with a supervisor who flatly refused. She said they strongly supported the recipient have control of funds

Many times I have thought about pushing this. And my son has at different times wanted me to take control over and responsibility for his funds

My thinking was to not insert myself. I hoped for my son to learn. He knows cognitively what to do. He articulstes each month, after he has run out of money, what he will do and should do but once the money is there and he wants what he wants any oversight and good judgement is overridden.

You see. I have wanted him to learn and to change. We have no relatives to help him when I die. I do have an attorney. That's all.

I am still unwilling to rescue him with the money. Right or wrong. Thank you.

 

[Jabberwockey]

My thinking was to not insert myself. I hoped for my son to learn. He knows cognitively what to do. He articulstes each month, after he has run out of money, what he will do and should do but once the money is there and he wants what he wants any oversight and good judgement is overridden.

Not that its an option now, but when things are back on an even keel you might want to talk to him about using online banking. Set up a secondary account that he has a debit card for so he can buy whatever, but have the main account set up to pay his bills and his secondary account automatically. That way his bills get paid but he still maintains some semblance of independence.

 

[Copabanana]

I like that idea jabber. Of course if he continues to want to spend all his money on marijuana, there is no system that can counteract that.

That was the catalyst that triggered recent events. We had been working towards collecting a very fair rent. But he decided he would only pay 40 percent less. After facing that he had paid us less than $900 total for rent and utilities over more than 18 months, we drew a line, belatedly.

Summary statement: he dies not feel he should pay the routine costs of living life. He sees his ssi as an allowance.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Summary statement: he dies not feel he should pay the routine costs of living life. He sees his ssi as an allowance.

No, you cant help that. The nice thing about online banking is that the payments can be set up to go out almost as soon as the disability comes in. It comes in on a set date every month right? So if the check hits every month on the 2nd, you set the payments up to go out on the 3rd. Yes, it would still require a bit of discipline on his part. But if he's the type that would withdraw all the money on the 2nd then there isn't much point.

 

[Copabanana]

I think he might go along with the setup at some point, but less likely with us. He will have to learn that it is worth paying rent to avoid all of the suffering that comes, vulnerable to the elements.

He may never feel obligated to pay rent on a property I own, feeling entitled to it free. I bought it, for him, assuming he would appreciate it rather than see it as an entitlement. Wrong.

I very much can see he is better off out in the world whether helped by social services whether or not, he will decide.

Thank you.

I feel very sad. I hate being cut off from him. I see no alternative to the present state of affairs. But I do not like it. I am suffering

 

[Copabanana]

Jabber. In your prison class what percent of the inmates would you guess received ssi on the street?

 

[Jabberwockey]

Of those in my class, very few. It is Employability Skills after all. But there are quite a few who are incarcerated who draw some form of disability.

 

[Beta]

Copa,
It's been a few weeks since I've been in the forum, but I read your post first. I am so sad for you and so sorry for the heartbreak. May God surround you with hugs and love right now from kind people around you. So sorry.