He's been kicked out of the shelter

[Lil]

At this point, 5 1/2 hours and he shows no sign of waking. We had agreed to let him sleep here tonight, since we're going to be looking for apartments with him tomorrow anyway, but if we hadn't I don't think I'd have the heart to wake him. I'd love to know when he finally wakes, but I'm not willing to stay up to see. He has said several times how awful it was to try to sleep at the shelter...guess he wasn't exaggerating.

I thank you all for your warm words today...and really, through this whole thing. This community just means so much to me, each and every one of you.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Lil, when my daughter used to stay with us, she would sleep a lot too. I realized that "out there" in the world in which many of our kids live, a sense of safety like they feel at home isn't the usual experience, so when they get home, they simply relax and let go. My daughter would literally fall asleep sitting up and sleep for many, many hours. And she would do it every single time.

Their choices. Not always something I understand, but something I've had to learn to accept.

 

[Hope_Floats]

Sleeping with one eye open is more stressful than they realize, I think. So when they truly feel safe, they sleep deeply. That so tugs at my mother heart. :/

 

[Lil]

About 14 hours, more or less. Wow. Good morning everyone.

 

[pasajes4]

I think that you have given your son the gift of being supportive parents. You are still sending him the message that he needs to be productive and responsible.

You can almost bet that J1 will be trying to move in. You can only hope that your son gets tired of being used by this parasite.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We have done that. Paid deposit and co-signed. difficult child son did well for quite a long time, the first time. Then, drug use, again.

It was the right thing to do at that time.

It was the right thing, for us.

Your son is young. If you can make a chance for him and if he does well with it, then maybe he can turn this thing he's into now around. That is what you want for him.

That is the reason, the real reason, you are doing any of this.

So your son will decide to take his life in a better direction.

When we look back, we are angry that it didn't work, of course. But we are very glad we did those things. We tried more than once, and we are very glad we did all we knew or could learn to turn things around every time there was an opportunity to do that. Then, there comes a time when you will be ready to let go.

That time came for us, too.

If things don't turn around, it makes a difference to know you tried.

It makes all the difference in the world.

When you are ready to pass their lives over to them, however that turns out, it is still hard. But when you know you have done all that you could do when the kids were young enough that it could have made a difference, that helps us know, and accept, that it is time to detach.

I agree that it is impossible to stand firm on detaching in the winter.

I think the moms who say stick to your guns are right in a way, too. But you can stick to your guns in the Spring, when the issue isn't freezing to death.

Cedar

 

[Lil]

Aaand its been a rough morning. Screaming and shouting and at one point we said, "We're done. Get out". Long story, but goes back to,"Can't give an inch". But it has calmed. We are sure he needs more help than a place to live.

After much calmer discussion, we've told him we'll still go look at places, but we're on the fence about helping after todays behavior. Told him it would be cruel to let him think it was a definite yes when its become a maybe.

He has, however, agreed he needs more therapy, though mess are a sore spot. But I'll take vacation (I have a ton) to see he goes if he's willing. If he keeps working, if he sees someone about his issues, this could work.

We'll see as the day goes on.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[HeadlightsMom]

Expectation minus reality equals disappointment.

Tanya M. --- Best quote of the day! I need to remember this! Thanks for sharing it!

Lil ---- I echo others' sentiments here. I don't know every little detail, but your heart and your mind are so strong in your words.

It's so easy to say "you need to just let him go, it's his life, he needs to figure it our for himself" Yes, these are easy words to say but not always easy to act on. My heart goes out to you. We all know how physically and emotionally draining our difficult child's can be and the stress from it is not good for our health.

Lil --- I so agree with Tanya M.'s words here, too. So, so, soooo hard to act on. But here's the way I see it. difficult child's generally seem to have scores of people trying to help them (for a while, anyway........until they burn all of the bridges). But who is looking out for the parents and family members of difficult child's? WE ARE!

We are looking out for YOU, Lil! When the airplane is going down, put your own mask on first. Please know that someone hears you and cares about YOU. We do! And I have no doubt a bunch of other people in your more immediate, face-to-face life do, too.

When all the chaos is alllllllllllll about difficult child's, it's important to remember that we exist, too. <3

 

[HeadlightsMom]

If things don't turn around, it makes a difference to know you tried.

Cedar --- True, true words........for every parent.

 

[GuideMe]

Hey Lil, I tried to read as much as I could to catch up. I totally support you in whatever you do. You are a good mom and most mothers couldn't do what you have done so far! Think of all the progress you made. He knows you guys aren't playing no more and he better take advantage of what he has now. I think he got a huge wake up call. Will he need a few more? Sure he will. But you took a really big step by throwing him out into the homeless shelter, so I am sure you shaved off a lot of time of his nonsense which has put you on the faster track to getting him recovered and being the man he's suppose to be. Good for you and Jab. I wish all of you the best!

Edit: I just read you all had a flare up this morning. Maybe just brush it off for now and chalk it up to pent up anger from everything that happened. Maybe he needed that release but I wouldn't tolerate anymore of that! One chance that's it!

 

[in a daze]

Long story, but goes back to,"Can't give an inch".

He want to move back home, I'm guessing?

2 years ago this month, we moved our guy out to a cheap condo that we had bought for him. He lasted about 2 weeks and then his mental health and substance abuse issues got the better of him and he ended up in the hospital. He hasn't been back since, and I think he knows better than to ask to come home. The condo is now rented out.

Your kid's issues don't sound quite as bad, though the theft is a problem. He'll definitely need support from a therapist, and it would be good for you guys to get your own therapist as well to help you set and stick to those boundaries. He'll need help with life skills.

I wish you the best of luck with all this. I am worried about that friend/friends coming around, as I am sure you are.

Expect setbacks and very slow progress. My cousin the social worker says watching these difficult child type young people improve is like watching paint dry...lol.

 

[GuideMe]

wish you the best of luck with all this. I am worried about that friend/friends coming around, as I am sure you are.

Yes, I must say now that you mention, I am extremely worried about this. What will you do Lil when you know the J's are around?

 

[Lil]

Well its done.

We're about $700 poorer and obligated for 5 months if he doesn't pay. Was supposed to be 6, but the landlord made an error, a technicality I will definitly exploit. We're tired. He already has a homeless friend coming, but at least one with a job. We are at our favorite Irish pub. More later.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[dstc_99]

Seriously he just moved in today and already has someone moving in?

I think that would have upset me greatly. Of course
Maybe the homeless friend is a good influence?

 

[Jabberwockey]

Seriously he just moved in today and already has someone moving in?

Not "Moving In" but "Coming to Visit"! But as this person has been kicked out of the shelter, moving in is a serious possibility. At least this one has a job and, as far as we know, isnt the leach that J1 is. Honestly, it may almost be better if he lets this person move in as then there would be no room for J1. This is only a 300 square foot efficiency apartment. We've made it clear that this is it, if he screws this up and doesnt take advantage of it we are DONE! He can pay the bills for this place even with his part time pay so he has no excuses.

 

[Lil]

He want to move back home, I'm guessing?

No. He wanted to use the car to help a friend move something and hang out and got very upset when the answer was no. I won't bother with the details...but it was a scene right out of a difficult child horror movie. There was screaming and yelling all around - literally, we all three just lost it - and we finally made him leave the house for 10-15 minutes just to give us a chance to calm down.

We asked him later if he acts like that with everyone, or just us. He said just us. I truly don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. It's good that he doesn't lose it like that with other people. It's bad that for some reason he feels it's acceptable to lose all control with us. We deserve better and if he doesn't shout and scream and lose it with other people then he is capable of controlling himself. Why does he think he doesn't have to with us?

Yes, I must say now that you mention, I am extremely worried about this. What will you do Lil when you know the J's are around?

Seriously he just moved in today and already has someone moving in?

Not "moved in" but staying the night apparently.

It's a super-small efficiency apartment. He has room for a twin bed and a chair and dresser and table...although he doesn't have the last two yet. The up side to this is there really isn't room for a bunch of people to move in with him. The guy that was coming actually works for the same place our son works and cold-cots at the moment. He also was kicked out of the shelter. Our son says they said he was high, but that he'd been with the guy all day and he wasn't, so he doesn't understand why he was kicked out. It could be they were just looking for a reason because he'd done other things...or he could have been high and our son didn't know or was lying to us. Who knows.

Al I know is it's done. We made our choice and he's now been given every opportunity. He's been given opportunities he did not deserve. But he can never say we just kicked him out with the clothes on his back and he had no chance. He will be able to afford the rent ($285/mo) with even a minimum wage job. The electric is in his name only and they didn't even ask for a deposit...the electric company said it ran under $30 month and I don't think it had been vacant. He has food, because I bought it, along with dishes, pots and pans, you name it. He's set up in a relatively clean, warm, secure place.

It's not a nice place. I would not live there. Jabber says he's lived in worse. I swept up more dead cockroaches than I care to think about. But they were all dead and they said they'd sprayed. I was very iffy...but he insisted it was better than some places he's stayed...so whatever. It's not a great neighborhood, but it's not terrible. There are two bars right across the street...but also a really nice and popular restaurant and microbrewery and other businesses nearby. It's almost exactly 1 mile from work and if he wants he has a bike here he can have.

Mostly, I'm just tired and, well, it's DONE. I have no problem now saying, "Take care of it. You're a grown-up." He said, "Thanks so much, I can never repay you." We said, "Yes you can and you know how. Get your act together." It's done.

We went out, ate a ton of pub food, had a couple drinks, smoked cigarettes for the first time since Thanksgiving when we quit...we were that stressed. But we then drove by the homeless shelter and left the remainder of the pack on their doorstep for some resident to find. We're now quitting again. We also plan to try to be pretty much incommunicado for the rest of the weekend.

 

[GuideMe]

Mostly, I'm just tired and, well, it's DONE. I have no problem now saying, "Take care of it. You're a grown-up." He said, "Thanks so much, I can never repay you." We said, "Yes you can and you know how. Get your act together." It's done.

Remember these words Lil. No more. I feel bad for you, he's really taking you guys on a wild ride.

I feel very extremely irritated by the J's and your sons lack of ability to tell them no. Not only does your son take from you, so do these J's. He needs to MAN up and put a stop to it by saying "You don't take advantage of me OR MY MOM anymore" This is ridiculous seriously. I feel somehow they will wind up in there, I don't care how small it is. Well, at least landlords in these types of places really don't expect much from the tenets, so your son would REALLY have to MESS up BIG TIME in order to be evicted from there. Or he might get really lonely and the burden of bills and might just sabotage himself to get thrown out. Either way, the one positive about all of this is that you are keeping your word that he's not allowed back home. With the homeless shelter experience and now living on his own, this will break him down a lot. You know how they say in the military. "We are going to break you down as a civilian and build you up into a soldier, SOLIDER!" I love that saying. In his case it's going to break him down from being a child and build him up into a man.

 

[BusynMember]

When all is said and done, you did it all, Lil. You can say you tried. You and Jab are both very intelligent and I'm sure you know what you are doing.

Glad you had fun at the Pub

 

[Tanya M]

Lil, you and Jabber need a vacation!! I know all to well that feeling of exhaustion after dealing with my difficult child. You have gone above and beyond to help your difficult child. It is my hope that he will use this opportunity to get his life on track. Most important, you and Jabber know in your hearts you have done everything you can to help him.

Here's one for your difficult child

 

[GuideMe]

Lil, you and Jabber need a vacation!! I know all to well that feeling of exhaustion after dealing with my difficult child. You have gone above and beyond to help your difficult child. It is my hope that he will use this opportunity to get his life on track. Most important, you and Jabber know in your hearts you have done everything you can to help him.

Here's one for your difficult child

Amen. 100% agreed.