"How can I screw my life up today?"

[Tanya M]

Lil, even after dealing with my Difficult Child for 20 plus years I still worry, granted not to the extent that I used to but as "moms" it's just part of our DNA to worry about our kids.
I think it's very easy to say "I don't worry about my son anymore", I'm sure I've said it, but on some level it's still there. For me, I reached a level of acceptance that has freed me from the "obsessive" kind of worry.

Worse, I thought I'd be nice and get him the address and phone number of the closest welfare office and homeless shelter. So, I've been looking up the town he's going to. It's only 14,000 people. It's near...but still more than 1/2 hour from, St. Louis. The closest homeless shelter is 20 minutes or more away in a neighboring town. The closest welfare office to apply for food stamps, farther. The closest food pantry, miles and miles away. There is NOTHING in this town he's going to - not even a motel shows up on the internet.

You cannot "nice" him through this. If and when you get a phone call from him saying that's he's in dire straits you can tell him to find a local church as they will be able to direct him.

You can do this, you can let go. He will manage and find his own way.

 

[Lil]

If I regret one thing about all this, it's that I helped him with the shoplifting charge. I wish I hadn't arranged the plea. I wish I hadn't ever gotten him the community service. I wish I'd have let him walk in, unrepresented, plead guilty, get whatever he got. In the end, he'd have probably gotten a conviction and no jail time, just 2 years probation. But he wouldn't have had a possible arrest hanging over his head for running off without doing the community service.

It would have all gone away - never to have interfered with his life ever again, almost like it never happened - with just 40 hours of community service.

Boggles the mind.

 

[Albatross]

Lil, put it down. It more than boggles and you can't make sense of it. So stop trying. We don't control them, their present or their future and we darn sure don't control their what-ifs. MY brain hurts just watching yours spin and I don't even know you.

Put it down, Lil.

 

[Jabberwockey]

The only thing that's kept me from bumming today is the fact I'm pretty sure it would make me nauseated.

Yeah, I don't have that issue.

 

[Tanya M]

If I regret one thing about all this, it's that I helped him with the shoplifting charge. I wish I hadn't arranged the plea. I wish I hadn't ever gotten him the community service. I wish I'd have let him walk in, unrepresented, plead guilty, get whatever he got. In the end, he'd have probably gotten a conviction and no jail time, just 2 years probation.

This is where we can drive ourselves crazy. "helping" him did no good yet there is still that mom in you that wants to help.

When you get that urge to "help" or just do something "nice" stop, know that you have done everything for him that you can and that's enough. Don't regret what you have done, only regret it if you repeat it.

I know how frustrating it is to bend over backwards trying to lay it all out for them, give them advice, explain in detail how to make things work, only to have it dissolve in front of your eyes and have them stand there with the deer in the headlights look wondering why things are not working out for them.

That's why you have to step back and let him go. There is nothing left for you to do for him other than tell him you love him.

 

[mtic]

Lil and Jabber, I'm going through something similar too. My Difficult Child is planning on moving to South Carolina. A friend of his is looking at getting a job down there and Difficult Child is probably going to tag along. I have no idea how one moves without money, but I guess he'll figure it out. He doesn't seem to stress about things too much, so I've given up stressing over HIS life. He knows we are always here for him IF he gets his act together, although he has stolen from us numerous times so I'm not sure how to rebuild any trust. I know he will never live here again. The days of hiding our money and watching him like a hawk took a toll on us. We wanted to believe he had changed, but as you know, they are good at tugging on our heartstrings.

My husband and I have had numerous discussions about how to know if he has changed and how to help. My husband always points out that Difficult Child is the one who needs to come up with a plan as we have wracked our brains many times in the past, and with each new plan we would come up with my Difficult Child seemed to push back harder and sink deeper. I'm not sure how one can be given so many opportunities and blow it. We were even to the point where we were letting him live here rent free, no expenses at all, and all we asked is that he stay clean and sober and work. He found a job for a month and blew it (he got fired). I know you have given your son many great opportunities too. I'm not exactly sure what they are looking for, but I do know that nothing we do or say is going to change them. They really do need to hit rock bottom (although we thought our son had hit rock bottom many times!).

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you during this difficult time.

 

[Lil]

I'm not sure how one can be given so many opportunities and blow it.

It's crazy isn't it? I said to Jabber last night, it's as though we open a door for him and he just bricks it over and then complains about being trapped!

 

[BusynMember]

My husband and I have had numerous discussions about how to know if he has changed and how to help. My husband always points out that difficult child is the one who needs to come up with a plan as we have wracked our brains many times in the past, and with each new plan we would come up with my difficult child seemed to push back harder and sink deeper. I'm not sure how one can be given so many opportunities and blow it.

Your husband is wrong. Coming up with a plan is just a blueprint and can be all bluff. What you need to see is at least six months to a year (I opt for a year) of working the plan. No substance abuse, a full time job, self-sufficiency and other things that people do to live an honest, clean life. A plan is nothing. Actively living in the real world for an extended period of time is how you will know if he has changed. Promises can be broken. Excited ideas can die a moment after they are stated or be manipulations to get something out of you.
Some will get better and make it. Some will be the same in their 30's and 40's. It is impossible to predict the future.
But until you see changes, there are no changes.
Right now he just isn't willing to do what he has to do to live a socially acceptable life.
If he does, you will definitely know. When my daughter decided to do so, it was very obvious that things had changed, including that she had dumped drug using friends, gotten a job, stopped asking for money, and had endured lots of loneliness just to stay sober and get to work each day. It has now been eleven years since the bad times.When she went straight, she never even told us. She just did it. And did it well. We are very proud of her.
She did not go to rehab. She just decided to do it and she did it. Nothing can stop somebody from changing once they want to change. They don't need us to hold their hands.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Coming up with a plan is just a blueprint and can be all bluff. What you need to see is at least six months to a year (I opt for a year) of working the plan. No substance abuse, a full time job, self-sufficiency and other things that people do to live an honest, clean life. A plan is nothing. Actively living in the real world for an extended period of time is how you will know if he has changed.

Agree!!!! My parents "loaned" Difficult Child $2500 a few years ago because he snowed them with his "plan". My dad told me many times afterwards, Well, you warned us.

Difficult Child fed them his plan of getting back into college, if only he had that money to get a base. (because husband and I were such jerks and would not help him). He bought a nice tv, furniture, and no telling what else. He did not go back to school and ended up kicked out of the apt because he never paid rent past the first month.

Who let him move back home? I do not even care to admit it. Auuggghh.

A year of different living is the minimum I would accept.

If I had found this forum ten years ago.....

 

[mtic]

Coming up with a plan is just a blueprint and can be all bluff.

I agree. That would be a minimum. Heck, he's never tried to plan anything out which is probably typical for DCs.

 

[Lil]

Well...we shall see. At least we don't actually have much time to get him gone, so no dragging it out. Tomorrow, I'm going to take him to the laundromat and pay for the machines, since he has no clean clothes. He may as well start his new life clean. He told Jabber today he wishes he had a backpack instead of the rolling duffle. I may actually buy one at the army surplus store tomorrow. Yeah, I know, enabling. But the fact is he may be really homeless and well, rolling suitcase/dufflebag doesn't really work that well for carrying around all your worldly goods.

Doesn't a used military backpack just scream "I'm homeless!"

Silly, but I guess I'd like him to be able to carry his stuff around easier. Call it mom's last enable.

In the meantime, Jabber and I spend the evening looking into flights and hotel for Christmas in Vegas! If the kid isn't coming back, we may as well enjoy ourselves and Vegas is our kind of place to do just that. Warm weather, Christmas lights, slot machines and black jack! Here we come!

 

[pasajes4]

Oh Lil, I can feel your grief, confusion, angst, and the love you have your son. I want to take him over my knee and whoop his behind for hurting you.

 

[Lil]

Laundry done. Money spent...more than intended. Got him a backpack, a tarp, some toiletries, some extra undies, etc. The latest in homeless chic. Everything he says makes it clearer what a horrible idea this is. The girl in question is still a few days away from 18 years old. She lives with her parents and doesn't want them to know he's homeless, so they're going to lie, pretend he's staying with a friend. Uh huh. Great idea. It's going to be pretty obvious pretty fast that he's sleeping in the local park or something. Her dad is already upset that she keeps spending money on him. Ugh. So, whatever. He says she's picking him up a McDonald's application tomorrow.

So, he's ready to go. All packed up. He didn't take all of his clothing, won't all fit, but we'll hold on and I told him once he's settled send us an address and I'll mail them. Same with his EBT card. He lost his so I had him give me power of attorney to take care of the lawsuit with the apartment guy and his benefits, so I can report his missing card and give them our mailing address. When it shows up I can mail it to him.

He's been told that I don't approve. He's been told I can't begin to understand this. He's been warned that 10 years from now he may get pulled over with a wife and kids in the car and end up in jail because he ran out on 40 freaking hours of community service. He's been told that at least here he knows where everything is. He's been told that, worst case scenario and he and this girl don't get along and break up ... he can't come home now unless he wants to possibly go to jail, so he better get a ride to the closest shelter in the city so he can have a place to stay. He was told an inspirational story about a certain "internet friend" of mine who's homeless son got up at 2:30 a.m. and walked to McDonald's, saving his money until he could get an apartment of his own and no longer be homeless.

There's nothing more to do but kiss him good bye and put him on the train. I want to do more. I want to give him money for a motel for a week. I won't.

 

[Lil]

And now it's Sunday and Jabber is getting ready for church...he'll meet us at the station. I woke up thinking "If something awful happens to Jabber, I'll deal with it alone." I feel like someone is sitting on my chest.

 

[pasajes4]

My thoughts and prayers are with your family. Lil, This maybe the turning point in his life. You and Jabber will not be available to rescue him at the drop of a hat. He will have to depend on himself ( trust me the girl will fall through quickly), and he just might gut up and grow-up.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

^^Agreed...

 

[mtic]

This just sucks Lil! As hard as it is for you, this may be his rock bottom and his moment to finally realize what he has to do to turn his life around. Stay strong and know we are all here to support you.

 

[Lil]

Thank you. We're back and he's on the train. When I picked him up, I gave it one last, "If you ever want to face these legal issues, rather than running away, so you can maybe visit for Christmas or something...it's not like they're going to put you in jail for a year. Most likely a conviction, a few days in jail and another probation with more community service." He, of course, did not comment.

The train was late, I was getting really upset by the time it came, but I hugged him, kissed him, and watched him leave.

My brain keeps saying, "I can't believe I raised a child who would rather never be able to come home again than work for 40 hours."

I don't even know how to feel other than like someone has died, numb and sad.

 

[Childofmine]

I went to alanon this morning and it was a particularly great meeting. We read a passage out of one of the alanon books and then people commented and shared. The conversation migrated to people and their understanding of their Higher Power. Lots of different points of view and there was something interesting and thoughtful and helpful from most of the shares. As I listened, I thought about all the times I wondered why things happen and all the times I have asked for an outcome that I wanted. And all of the times that it seemed like the outcome was very different than what I imagined, often something I couldn't see until long long after, after a lot of time passed.

As I flipped through my little alanon book I brought with me, I saw something I had written there that I heard in an alanon meeting on August 30, 2014.

It was this: It is already taken care of.

I remember hearing those words in a meeting and being struck by them. After I left I thought about those words for days, weeks.

All my life I thought I had to handle every thing, be the strong one, fix it, manage it. If people would only do it this way...why can't they see what I see when they look at their own lives and just do this, or that?

It is already taken care of.

I have learned the hard, bitter way over these years that if I can just stop, then room for a higher power to work is created. If I can just stop.

It is already taken care of.

Lil and Jabber, today you have the gift of physical distance right now. He is striking out today. Not to where you wanted or hoped, but where he decided to go. Not as you wanted it to be, of course, but how he decided. Messy, chaotic, different. Uncertain. Risky even, perhaps. But also, perhaps not.

One thing different has happened, right now. And sometimes, it only takes one thing.

Most of our kids, they have to get free of us. They have to do it their way, rebel, run away, mess things up something awful...before they can see what is next for them.

I know you are scared right now and sad and it is not what you wanted or hoped. I so get that. I have been right there, just as recently as last week, both with easy child and difficult child, recently.

It never is as we wish it was. But something good may be just ahead. We never know.

I do believe this: it is already taken care of. And you don't have to do anything at all.

I hope and pray that you two can reclaim your own lives, even if just for today, or tomorrow, or this week. I have no doubt you'll be hearing from him and I am just hoping that somehow, something good can happen for him. Just one thing even, that can lead to more good things.

Hang in there. We are here with you.

 

[Lil]

Jabber's sister and brother-in-law have dropped him off. She texted that they'd offered him a place to stay if needed for awhile. We let her know if he took it up, to make sure that there was a time limit and to watch their belongings. She said it was hard to drop him off, nowhere in particular. I told Jabber to tell her to try putting him on the train.

One thing different has happened, right now. And sometimes, it only takes one thing.

I hope so. I hope this works out as he wishes. I hope that if it doesn't, he realizes that coming back here and turning himself in and taking the consequences of his actions will be better than being so far away from anyone he knows and loves.

I hope and pray that you two can reclaim your own lives, even if just for today, or tomorrow, or this week. I have no doubt you'll be hearing from him and I am just hoping that somehow, something good can happen for him. Just one thing even, that can lead to more good things.

Thank you so much. Having you all here means so much to me.

He actually just texted me that he was at her house and her parents invited him in and "it's awkward". I bet it is. He was supposed to find a place to just chill until she got home. They spotted him wandering around their trailer park and realized it was him. So...I wished him luck.

We need a "shaking my head" emoticon.