"How can I screw my life up today?"

[Copabanana]

"it's awkward". I bet it is. He was supposed to find a place to just chill until she got home

Lil, I think the important thing now is to hold firm, as others have said.

Two times, my son did this. The first, he went to see a girl in Brazil, saving the money for the airfare from a Christmas Job when he was 18. I gave him money to pay for a hostel so that he would not have to stay with her family. He did not listen. He got kicked out, robbed and slept on the beach until he went to a friend of mine, who let him stay until he could return to the states. To this day I do not know what happened there.

He did it a second time about a year and a half ago, following a girl to stay at a shelter she knew about in a nearby community. This time the relationship lasted about a week. She dumped him. He was homeless in that town for 4 months.

They think these girls will rescue them. The girls have fantasies of their own that our sons do not fulfill.

Lil, I only know that any help I gave along the way has seemed to me only to make the bottoming process more extended.

There is a will or a sense of unreality or both that needs to be tested until they are willing or forced to accept the reality of things and their position, if they ever do.

This is the hardest thing in my life I have been through. And I sense it is for you, as well.

I wish I had something to share with you to make it easier. I take heart in COM's words, "it is all taken care of." With this there is at least the chance to rest.

COPA​

 

[Lil]

Lil, I think the important thing now is to hold firm, as others have said.

Oh, he won't be coming back unless he does it on his own or cons some other person into financing it. The only help from me is that I told him to check out couchsurfing.com, where he might find someone may let him stay a day or two if the weather gets bad. His aunt has been warned. If he gets desperate enough, he does have the number of the closest homeless shelter. He has the number of his grandparents...who are probably the only people in the world who might "rescue" him. I hope he doesn't call them.

Turns out there is a wooded area beside the trailer park. I think that's why he was hinting about the tent. But what he does is his business. Guess I should have gotten him some insect repellent along with his other homeless necessities.

He'll live. I'll live. We'll all live.

 

[Tanya M]

Hugs to you Lil and Jabber. You have gone into another chapter of "The Adventures of my Difficult Child"
It has actually helps me to look at my sons life as adventures - it somehow makes it less scary.

There is no understanding their choices and we can exhaust ourselves trying.

You did a very loving thing getting him a backpack, right down to the underwear. Some may look at as enabling but in this case I just look at as loving. You were honest with him, no sugar coating it. You could not have been any more clear in how you feel.

Now you just have to let go, let him live his life and you and Jabber go on with picking up the pieces of the last year and getting on with your own lives. As much as your heart is hurting there is a freedom that comes with the distance. The worry is still there but it's not as urgent and when the phone call or text comes that he needs help it's easier to say no when you are not in the same town.

It's just such an awful thing for us parents to go through. There are so many different scenarios that our Difficult Child live out and the chaos that follows but the common thread in it all is the pain and heartbreak they leave behind for us, the parents, the ones who love them the most.

What a blessing this site is where we can gather and share our hearts and the deep pain within them. Only other parents that have gone through what we have can understand what we feel.

Lil, I hope in the next few days you will be able to get some much needed rest and to start focusing on just you, ok maybe you can focus on Jabber too.

I wish you peace, love and calm.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil...I hope this story makes you smile a little. You never know what can happen with a Difficult Child. They are non-conventional, but once in a blue moon it works!!

One of my Illinois friends whose adult son I've known since he was four has Aspergers and was EXTREMELY hard to raise and could not keep a job after high school to save his life. Since he did not do drugs or break the law (although he did many dangerous things and ended up with a gun to his head once in a high crime area) he was able to live at home. He collected SS.

One day he announced to his parents that he had cashed his entire SS check to buy a one way ticket to a South American country to get married.

You can only imagine their horror.

He had never met this girl. It was an internet thing. He went with no extra money.

Well, they lived together for several months then he married her in a ceremony in her country. Six months after th e wedding, they both came to the U.S. and got their own place. He did not do well working, but did become a Minister and she got a job right away cleaning houses. He sometimes officiates weddings and other pastoral stuff. They have just celebrated their ten year anniversary and she is very good for him. She learned the language perfectly and Difficult Child has settled down and has had no real drama since the marriage.

You can't make this stuff up.

So you never know what life is going to throw at you.

Take heart and remember that anything can happen, even something good.

Hugs and lots a nd lots of good vibes and prayers. I know this must be terribly, terribly hard for such a loving person such as yourself. I hope this little story cheered you up and did not have the opposite affect. If so, I am so sorry.

 

[tishthedish]

Lil and Jabber,
Once our sons were gone my husband and I were amazed by the silence. We were out of touch with both of them for a while so there was no ongoing news or issue to talk to death. The talk about them just sort of dwindled until there was nothing left to say, unless we wanted to stir up old stuff and no, we didn't. We had already lived it. Once was enough.

I would catch husband sitting watching TV and say, "Are you bored?" He'd reply, "No, are you?" and I'd say, "No!" We both liked the quiet.

Now with our grandson living with us, our life is anything but quiet. I look back on that time, with all its uncertainty and dashed hopes lying in shreds around us and still remember the peace and dignity of living a life...my life...our lives together with love and respect and absolutely no drama. I hope you find peace and revel in it for as long as you can.

 

[pasajes4]

I hope that you were able to sleep last night.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I hope that you were able to sleep last night.

Sleep? Lil was up till after midnight and we're both exhausted this morning. Yeah, sleep is over rated. Rest, now that's something I could get behind.

 

[Lil]

I hope that you were able to sleep last night

What Jabber said. The thing is, it really wasn't worry about the kid. Not really - though I did do the "I wonder where he's sleeping. We should have taken him camping more. I should have gotten him some Deep Woods Off. I don't think he even knows how to build a campfire. What if he burns the woods down?" for just a little while. But them I moved on to office stuff and the cake I just baked and whether to put strawberries on the cake plate with it or in a separate bowl.

When I'm stressed I develop bedtime ADHD...My brain just jumps from one subject to another to another and won't shut down. I tried tricks like counting, but lose track and then something else pops in there.

Sleep? Lil was up till after midnight and we're both exhausted this morning.

Yeah, you looked pretty wiped out this morning, though you fell asleep a good hour+ before I did. Of course, you get up before me too.

 

[pasajes4]

I can relate to the nighttime ADHD. The closer my son gets to coming home.......well..... my mind jumps around more than a jumping bean. It is a good thing I don't have to go to work. I would be a wiped out mess.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Yeah, you looked pretty wiped out this morning, though you fell asleep a good hour+ before I did. Of course, you get up before me too.

I was awake for a few minutes, but not long. Problem is that while I slept, I didn't get much rest. I will live, though seriously considering burning some leave time this afternoon.

 

[Lil]

I will live, though seriously considering burning some leave time this afternoon.

Well, stop and buy me two pints of strawberries. Love you.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I will but wont be leaving too terribly early now. Have to film a guy this afternoon now.

 

[Lil]

Guess who's on his way to his grandparents?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Guess who's on his way to his grandparents?

Lil... this is on THEM, not on you or even on your son.
At some point, they are going to have to learn that helping isn't always HELPING - sometimes it hurts the kids more than it helps them.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, that's fine. You can't tell them how to handle this. If they choose to enable him, that is their decision. If he wears out his welcome, well, then he does.

It's predictable, if they were available. Now it's up to them to decide what to do. It isn't your problem. You can't tell them what to do or control them anymore than you can control your son. You can take a break from worrying about him. For now, he's off the street.

I guess the internet girlfriend was an older lady and a man too ... haha. Ok, bad joke.

 

[Lil]

I guess the internet girlfriend was an older lady and a man too ... haha. Ok, bad joke.

Actually, the girl is not quite 18 yet, a few days away still! The girl's father was less than pleased at her homeless suitor - imagine that.

He actually didn't call his grandparents and didn't even really want to go there. He called me for his aunt's number, asking for a ride to the shelter. His aunt was originally willing to let him stay with them for a bit. After talking with Jabber, she wasn't. I feel kind of bad about that. She said, "I don't want to enable him." but it was her idea to take him to the grandparents. He originally refused and wanted to go to the shelter, even though they didn't answer the phone and may not have any openings, but he relented.

Jabber's parents are WONDERFUL people. But, they are VERY religious. His father has been a Baptist deacon for years; church several times a week. No drinking, smoking, cursing...that kind of people...and not above having pointed conversations with their children and grandchildren.

He may well wish he'd slept in the woods.

 

[BusynMember]

Jabber's parents are WONDERFUL people. But, they are VERY religious. His father has been a Baptist deacon for years; church several times a week. No drinking, smoking, cursing...that kind of people...and not above having pointed conversations with their children and grandchildren.

Hahaha!

Lil, it sounds like this is JUST what Difficult Child needs

LOL on the girlfriend's mom "suggesting" he go to his grandparent's house.

I think it may be really good for him! I doubt if his pot will go over well there. And my guess is they have old fashion values, such as "you give a man a fish, you feed him a meal. You teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime." (This is one of my favorites).

 

[Lil]

LOL on the girlfriend's mom "suggesting" he go to his grandparent's house.

His aunt, not her mom. But yeah. Basically, the girls father said he was to be gone by the time he got home from work - or else.

 

[BusynMember]

In all honestly, I don't think most parents want an unknown internet suitor to move in, even if he is a doctor.

Or a loving, protective aunt.

Or a sane adult.

I think it took a positive turn.

 

[dstc_99]

Well that got cut super short didn't it! LOL

Good for the dad not wanting that for his daughter and putting his foot down. Right now your son just isn't in a good place and therefore doesn't need to be bringing other along for the ride.

I'd say grandpa will drive him crazy in all of 2 hours. Can I smile really wide at that part?