"How can I screw my life up today?"

[Jabberwockey]

I hope he doesn't wear out his welcome too quickly, because the plans he has with a girl don't sound too plausible.

As long as he does what he's told he will be ok. He tries to fall back into lazing around the house it WONT be tolerated.

And their plans are plausible, just not terribly realistic. She is just about to turn 18 and he has no significant work history so neither has a credit history. This will probably cause them some difficulties in finding a place. So really, what he's talking about is doable but difficult. He will also have to maintain employment. He cant play the crap he's been doing and expect this girl to support him because as long as our son is there, I doubt her dad will be providing much in the line of financial help.

 

[Lil]

I agree completely SuZir. I tried for years to get him to do anything! Bored? Take a walk, work out, take up jogging. Angry? Take a walk!!! Run around the house a few times! Nothing. As Jabber pointed out to me the other day, we both work. When he was home, all he did was lay around, sleep to noon, stay up late. With our hours, short of literally putting him out of the house in the morning (which would have been a nightmare) there wasn't much we could do. Even if we woke him up, he'd just go back to bed when we left.

But that won't fly with Grandma and Grandpa...who are home and able to dog his every step.

If he sucks it up and puts up with God and work...he'll be in a good place.

Then again, if he did that 10 months ago, he would still be living at home.

 

[SuZir]

Sometimes it may be different when it comes from grandparents vs. the parents.

He is just out of his teen years, when he was living home 10 months ago, dynamics you had with him from his earlier teen years were still at place between you and him. No parents and teens get through teen years without collecting some baggage in to their relationships. Often grandparents and the kid do not have that hindering their relationship. And also: It was ten months ago. He may have learnt little something during that time even if it doesn't seem like that.

With our Ache laziness has never been one of the main problems and he does have structured lifestyle, but still, when he has at times been at home and worked in some project with his granddad, or just gone fishing with him, it has worked better than any anti-anxiety medication could. The way he has calmed down, settled and seemed to have found some peace have been remarkable. To me it just seems like that type of life, regular, involving physical work, preferably with someone you care about a lot and at outdoors, just seems to be very healing to many. I know nothing relaxes me more than waking up at the morning, having breakfast and heading to forest to pick berries for the day. It just makes time and that everyday nagging anxiety to disappear. I myself try to use at least week of my summer vacation every year just for that.

And Jabber, I'm sure that you are right and their plan is doable, but let's face it. It involves finding at least semi-stable job, saving some money, doing lots of legwork to find a flat that would accept them and so on. If he actually successfully goes through all that, aren't we going to declare him almost an ex-difficult child then?

 

[Jabberwockey]

And Jabber, I'm sure that you are right and their plan is doable, but let's face it. It involves finding at least semi-stable job, saving some money, doing lots of legwork to find a flat that would accept them and so on. If he actually successfully goes through all that, aren't we going to declare him almost an ex-difficult child then?

Remember, I said doable but not realistic. Me becoming a multi-millionaire is doable! My point was that they do actually have a chance of success, even if its slim.

I think, even with any success he gets from this, it will be a year or two before I can comfortably make that declaration.

 

[Lil]

It involves finding at least semi-stable job, saving some money, doing lots of legwork to find a flat that would accept them and so on. If he actually successfully goes through all that, aren't we going to declare him almost an ex-difficult child then?

Yeah...trouble is, I think he expects HER to do all that. He says by her birthday she'll have $1,000 saved up. Which means she'll be the one getting the apartment, paying the deposits, etc. He'll just move down there with no job and hopefully find one soon.

 

[SuZir]

This is bit off topic, but I wanted to elaborate why I feel physical labour is so good for our troubled kids; and also for us at times.

Most work nowadays are either abstract or never-ending or both. I know that in my work, every paper that comes in front of me and which I somehow resolve seems to bring birth to two other papers that are soon on my desk (or well, on my computer.) Many of our troubled kids work, if they work, in retail, fast food or other type of customer service. In that customers also never end. You serve that one customer, then the next till your shift runs out. And same again the next day. It makes it difficult to feel much accomplishment of anything.

And often our troubled kids have had very few experiences of accomplishments, graduating from anything or finishing anything. That is hard for self-esteem despite all the bravado they may put out over those things.

When you work in physical labour, even in one day you usually actually accomplish something. You may even finish it. You can actually look and see what you have done, how much better that things now is than at the morning when you started. While working you also learn new, actual, concrete skills, which is also huge self-esteem builder. For some time now society has tried to build kids' self-esteem on telling them how awesome they are and how they can accomplish anything if they just try. But often kids are not getting much experiences of accomplishing something in concrete level. And in reality self-esteem is built on feeling that accomplishment over something.

I'm a professional. My work requires Master's degree, I supervise other people and in fact my work is even meaningful. Still it seldomly gives me similar sense of accomplishment than for example turning a vegetable bed over at spring and planting the cucumbers on it.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Well put SuZir. There is also the fact that exercise is proven to help with depression. But yeah, if you're digging a ditch you see results at the end of the day even if you don't finish it.

 

[dstc_99]

I wouldn't be suprised if an 18 year old girl has a very hard time getting an apartment without a cosigner. Be prepared for that call and prepare the family around him as well.

When Tay moved in with her boyfriend she had that issue and the grands signed for her.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I will find out for sure this weekend but I'm quite sure he has mentioned his plan to the Grands by now and they know how good of a chance she has of getting a place without a co-signer. And since that will probably be her dad.....and her dad doesn't want him around????? There is the slim possibility she wont need a co-signer if she has been working since she turned 16. Slim.

 

[Lil]

It's also possible that if they both are on the lease, and they have the full deposit, 1st months, etc., in cash, they might not have a problem...or maybe they'd do a month to month. Also, it's a small town. Could be people there will be a bit more laid back.

Time will tell.

For now, I'm just trying to take it day to day and not worrying about it until it happens.

 

[Lil]

Little update:

We didn't hear anything for a couple days. He called today and ... all is well. He only asked me to mail the book he's reading to him. Grandma took him to the library today, but they didn't have it. He checked out something else and has the next in the series on order though. He said he's put in job applications and two fast food places, two pizza places and Kelly Temporary Services. Seriously, that's more places in a couple days than he put in the whole time he lived here I think. Kelly might have an interview for a job building Toyota car parts, which pays pretty well for a temp job. His grandparents will have to give him a ride or let him drive a car to that one as it's 1/2 hour away in a neighboring town...but that's their business. He's excited about getting some money saved up. All in all...he's pretty happy. Of course, there will be church tomorrow..but apparently the grandparents let him skip Wednesday night church. That made him happy.

All in all, positive stuff.

 

[pasajes4]

It sounds very promising.

 

[Lil]

Aaannnd....today he calls griping because he can't figure out how he can get to Six Flags with the girl. She lives right near there. He lives 45 minutes to an hour from there. So he's ticked off and that starts him on not having a job and on and on. He even griped about the fireworks going off and how he wasn't going to be able to sleep, etc. etc.

One step forward, two steps back.

 

[Copabanana]

So he's ticked off

He even griped about the fireworks going off and how he wasn't going to be able to sleep, etc. etc.

Lil, he has a personality. Everybody does.

Think about all of the changes he has been through in what, 3 days, 4 max?

The train. Going to the girl. Making plans. Leaving the girl. Going to Grandpa and Grandma. All that work in the ditch. Church. Looking for work. At lots of places. That would be a lot for anybody.

Let him gripe. He deserves it. Keep the faith. There will be bumps in the road. That is life.

But you never in a million years thought he would have a week like the one that is ending in a little bit. And for that we are all grateful. Because there is hope.

I have faith that he will pull this off. Maybe not instantly, but I believe he will do it. Maybe not with this girl. But he will do it. He will mature. Have a great night, Lil. You deserve it.

 

[Lil]

I know Copa...I do. It's just up one day and down the next with him...quite common. Seems every time I say something positive he follows it up with a mood. But, like dieting, one backslide is not the war, just one battle. It's the big picture that counts. Trying to keep that in mind...he's just so darn contrary! :/

 

[Copabanana]

Which means she'll be the one getting the apartment, paying the deposits, etc. He'll just move down there with no job and hopefully find one soon.

I hope that it does not go down this way. I thought that he was looking for work by Grandpa and Grandma's house.

If that pans out he would have a contribution to make towards paying for the apartment and beginning a life. That just got me thinking about his credit report. Do you think the warrant has hit the credit report?

I think the bigger threat is Dad. How happy would you be with the stranger kid from the internet who showed up one day, with your daughter paying their way.

We all have to rein this back a bit I think. Because there are going to be obstacles in the road. Just because he has decided to work towards a goal, it does not mean that seas will open. This is life after all.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I hope that it does not go down this way. I thought that he was looking for work by Grandpa and Grandma's house.

He is, but they live an hour and a half to two hours away. He has said this is how it will go down. Yeah, I've commented on the dad thing too but its not like he has a very good track record of actually listening to me.

As far as the credit report and warrant goes, his credit cant be good with his work history and never paying on his electric. We have no idea if he has or will have a warrant. We wont check on it. Kind of a dont ask, dont tell thing.

 

[Lil]

I hope that it does not go down this way. I thought that he was looking for work by Grandpa and Grandma's house.

Well, yes. That was not his idea originally...he was apparently going to just hang out because it's only a few weeks until the girl gets a place...but the grandparents suggested otherwise. When he complained, my response was to suck it up and get a job so he could contribute. Apparently he decided to do it.

Do you think the warrant has hit the credit report?

I doubt it will, if he even has one. Hard to tell when it will happen or if. This is just a little municipal case and likely even if he got arrested or something unless it was in this town, they wouldn't bring him here.

I think the bigger threat is Dad. How happy would you be with the stranger kid from the internet who showed up one day, with your daughter paying their way.

Why do you think he's at his grandparents? lol...

He had planned on just being homeless and the girl putting him up in hotels etc. Dad nixed that in a big way.

His plans to get a job and earn for a few weeks...even though he was told to...that's better than expected. But I hold no illusions he's just suddenly decided to grow up and be an adult.

 

[BusynMember]

He doesn't know this girl, really. Good chance it will break up in a week and he'll go back to Grandparents. I'm sure she will get sick of supporting him and she is awfully young and will have parental pressure to come home. Of course, anything could happen, but it is most likely that this online relationship will end up like most of them...DOA.

 

[Lil]

Possibly SWOT. They have been emailing, FB and skyping for better than a year. So I guess they know each other as well as any long-distance romance. But they are really young. He did plan to work once he got moved in with the girl. Again, time will tell. Not holding my breath that he suddenly has a house and a job.