I did take responsibility as a child for the family. I believe and felt then that I was the moral voice. Almost like the missing father. How that could be, I do not know. I am only putting it down because it comes to my mind.
I think that is what was behind, "What would Cedar do?" Not so much a moral voice for me, but I just always thought we could do this. But I am not so sure now why I believed that way. I had told D H I did not want to see them anymore in the beginning of our relationship. D H had no concept of how my family worked, and believed we should see them, so we did. There were some good times that happened, but D H says now that if I had been honest about my childhood, he would never have insisted that family mattered. It was like I made a choice to commit to them, and blinded myself to do it. There was much that was hurtful and weakening and just so wrong about all of it.
In the end, everything fell apart anyway.
But I think I hear what you are saying about "moral voice", Copa.
Serenity seems to have been the one who believed everyone could make family out of what was left once we were adults, for her family, too.
I admire that, about all of us.
But for me, it was more a choice than a real loving effort, I think. I was always on automaton. Even so, there were things that were always so wrong when we did come together.
I am getting braver, too. Yesterday, the subject about inequality in money contribution in the house came to my mind. I got anxious. Instead I chose to speak about it (usually I stew and then erupt in fury.)
That's huge, Copa.
:O)
I am happy I said something to M. And I am happy he answered me back. I think this is showing more confidence and safety.
I think so too, Copa.
I think it shows respect for yourself, too. Money is a touchy issue in every relationship. Someone has to be captain of the financial ship or it will flounder. In my marriage, that is D H. In daughter's relationship, that is daughter. In son's relationship, it is son.
We talk openly about what we are doing, but D H is the one who says whether we can or cannot afford whatever it is, or whether we need to budget that in the future.
We have to talk about money, because it is important. Everyone in a family has to know and agree to the ways we are going to spend money. That is why, when the kids were so troubled, they knew they could get D H to give them money through me.
D H would say no.
I would say yes.
Then D H would say yes too, for my sake.
That is what I meant by captain of the financial ship. It isn't that the other person has no say. It is that responsibility for keeping the ship sailing beautifully along has to be one person's, so they have flexibility to manage financial matters correctly.
I am glad I learned to say no, too.
I have a "give everything that is mine to help" mentality. That is why I would not be a good captain of our financial ship. Managing resources is a learned skill, that is true, but that shame base affects how I see money, and what I believe I deserve.
Not just in money, but in time and possessions and in everything.
So I am glad we are getting healthier now.
In case D H leaves me and I have to manage the ship.
Cedar