How to stop enabling abusive narcissistic entitled adult children

[BusynMember]

I am so glad you are finally giving YOU a life!!

 

[Tammy Akin]

My daughter lives with my hubby and me and causes great distress in my home. She was a 6 yr old daughter that I take care of mostly. I would love to kick her out but am very concerned about leaving my granddaughter alone under her care.

 

[Gelisgi]

I thought I'd share this. Many of us deal with these types of not-quite-right adult children.

Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else. They say your job is to make them happy. They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.

What a nasty and unending list. If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt. You don’t deserve to be used and abused. You don’t owe them anything anymore. Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.

Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more. They think they’re entitled to whatever they want. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious. They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault. Their justifications will last forever.

I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children. There’s no hope down that path. Stop meddling and enabling them. These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.

The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact. Don’t debate or argue about who’s right. Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves. Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your futurebecause, really, you are taking your life back. Now you can enjoy the rest of your life. You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.

Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications. But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry. Your life will shrivel up like a prune.

If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now. With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in. And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums. And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want. And nothing is for free.

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Thank you for posting that. We have an 18 year old narcissistic daughter. I won’t go into all the details as it would take all night. But we are worn down to nothing. There is no joy in living anymore. We love her, but whatever we’ve done for her, she’s thrown back in our faces. She’s mean, verbally and emotionally abusive, the whole narcissistic ball of wax. So we’ve begun distancing ourselves emotionally from her. She still lives with us, and now that we’re not running and jumping to her demands she is ANGRY. Oh so very angry. And she’s stepped up her game. We are non drinkers, non smokers, apparently boring people. We’d no sooner delve into prostitution and drugs than we’d jump off the roof. So she’s working that angle against us now. She claims she’s doping and prostituting. Who knows if she really is or not. I see no evidence that she is. She lies constantly about everything. But I’ve had enough. Our health is failing seriously from the constant unrelenting stress. I’m 60 and my husband is almost 60. We’re drowning in this. And there is no solution. If she were a little older I’d say, fine, make her get out and learn about living in the adult world. I did at her age. But then I did not have her mental health challenges. Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. Narcissistic abuse is very isolating. Just being able so say something “out loud” on this forum was good. I love her with all my heart, but I really don’t like her at all. Her cruel ways are killing me. And, strangely enough, it appears that she expects me to enjoy that. Sigh.

 

[GStorm]

I have posted on here before, as my son got fired from his job of 15 years as a fast food chain manager. He had another job that fell through. So, he filed for unemployment, but it never came through for whatever reason. ( I see now that he was making up stuff.) Anyway, he was hospitalized for suicudal thoughts, which I now think was manipulative. He got evicted from his apartment and I found out that he was spending money on porn. So, anyway, he has now moved away and has left me with financial woes. When I did not not let him stay with me when he got out of the hospital, he said that was unforgivable. Well, I have now decided that I do not need his abuse. He came to get the car (that I co-signed for). He is going to take care of the payment. He says he is going to pay me back, but I am not holding my breath. Now when I talk to him, I do not let him know how hurt I am. I do not ask him when he plans to pay me back. I have gotten depressed over this; however, I am not going to let this get me down. I am going to keep doing things to take care of myself. I will continue to communicate when he calls me; however, I do not plan to initiate calls. He wants his space, he can have it. I still love my son but I will love him from a distance. It is time to take care of Gail.

 

[Juliette0309]

I am new here ..First off "Hello" to all ..I recently had to have emergency mitral/aortic valve replacement surgery due to having rheumatic fever as a child. My 28yr old daughter who lives with me told my doctor that she was going to take a leave of absence 3 months from her job to take care of me when I was released from the hospital. Well I had my reservations about that and I told the nurses cause my daughter is very abusive both verbally an physically to me and I was scared how she would treat me especially with me being vulnerable. My daughter found out that I told the nurses an was making plans to go to a incare facility before I was released from the hospital an begged me daily to let her help me. So I figured OK I would give her a chance and maybe she wanted to change the way she was treating me, that this close call maybe made her see that she almost lost her mother. Finally I was able to go home from the hospital and my daughter was there to pick me up but when we got home she had moved in one of her friends! I barely had strength to even walk let alone to say too much to her over why that person was in my house. OH and I was in the hospital for 4 weeks, my house was a total mess! All that time an she didn't pick up or clean anything, I came home to a huge mess. She didn't even plan anything for dinner for me I was on my own, she told me that she an her friend were going out to dinner. I said wait what am I suppose to do and she started yelling at me that she has been stressed worrying if she was going to get the leave of absence approved from work or not ..I was left in shock. So for 3 months I basically was on my own ..Well now an then she had to drive me to my check up appointments but she complained an stressed me out all the way there it was horrible. I am so depressed only reason I am here truly is for my dog. I know that sounds silly but its the truth. My daughter is a narcissistic hateful person. I can't say anything she turns it around against me. She now says to me cause she took 3 months off for the leave of absence to help me ? she is in debt on her credit card ...and its my fault. Oh too If I didn't end up having heart surgery non of this would of happened ..again my fault ...always its my fault ..my fault ..

 

[AppleCori]

Hi and welcome, Julliette

How are you feeling physically?

Are you back on your feet, now?

Does anyone else live with you other than your daughter and her friend?

Did your 28 year old daughter live with you before you had the surgery?

You might try calling the Department of Disabilities and Aging Services, especially if you are still under a doctor’s care or if you are over age 62.

If not, you may need to call the police department.

Are you in any type of counseling?

It sounds like you need to take steps to get them out of the house. Let us know what the status of your situation is. Since your daughter is both verbally and physically abusive, this needs to be done as soon as possible.

Stay with us..

Apple

 

[Acacia]

Juliette, I am so sorry that this is the treatment you received. Your life literally depends on you caring as much about yourself as you do anyone else. Your relationship with your daughter is toxic and bad for both of you.

Many of us get caught in the FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt. The only way I personally have been able to escape it is to set clear boundaries and to detach. I'd rather be alone than to be abused by anyone, family or not.

Keep posting, and take steps, no matter how small each day.

 

[BusynMember]

I am so sorry and I do understand the love of a dog. I share it. My love for mine is as fierce or more than for many humans. Do NOT feel your life depends on having a nice daughter. Your life is about YOU and the nice people in your life, not just her. Get therapy to help you if you want to learn to put yourself first. Many of us do this.

Your daughter is 28 and abusive and lacks empathy. You know this...I am not trying to be harsh. Why give her shelter? Even if she has no job there are homeless shelters, couch surfing, food pantries and welfare. She needs to be on her own and not in your space stressing you out after heart surgery. Tell her to leave. Get a restraining order if she won't. She could kill you. And she is way past the age of a child. It is her own fault if she never grew up and her own responsibility to do so. She is not safe, daughter or not.

I hope you feel better soon and tell this daughter she needs to get out and act her age then do it. It's not easy but she has been terrible. And you need to be calm.

Hugs and light.

 

[GStorm]

I am new here ..First off "Hello" to all ..I recently had to have emergency mitral/aortic valve replacement surgery due to having rheumatic fever as a child. My 28yr old daughter who lives with me told my doctor that she was going to take a leave of absence 3 months from her job to take care of me when I was released from the hospital. Well I had my reservations about that and I told the nurses cause my daughter is very abusive both verbally an physically to me and I was scared how she would treat me especially with me being vulnerable. My daughter found out that I told the nurses an was making plans to go to a incare facility before I was released from the hospital an begged me daily to let her help me. So I figured OK I would give her a chance and maybe she wanted to change the way she was treating me, that this close call maybe made her see that she almost lost her mother. Finally I was able to go home from the hospital and my daughter was there to pick me up but when we got home she had moved in one of her friends! I barely had strength to even walk let alone to say too much to her over why that person was in my house. OH and I was in the hospital for 4 weeks, my house was a total mess! All that time an she didn't pick up or clean anything, I came home to a huge mess. She didn't even plan anything for dinner for me I was on my own, she told me that she an her friend were going out to dinner. I said wait what am I suppose to do and she started yelling at me that she has been stressed worrying if she was going to get the leave of absence approved from work or not ..I was left in shock. So for 3 months I basically was on my own ..Well now an then she had to drive me to my check up appointments but she complained an stressed me out all the way there it was horrible. I am so depressed only reason I am here truly is for my dog. I know that sounds silly but its the truth. My daughter is a narcissistic hateful person. I can't say anything she turns it around against me. She now says to me cause she took 3 months off for the leave of absence to help me ? she is in debt on her credit card ...and its my fault. Oh too If I didn't end up having heart surgery non of this would of happened ..again my fault ...always its my fault ..my fault ..

Juliette,, I agree with CoriApple. This is abuse and coercion on your daughter's part. I would also contact the Department of Social Services, as there are laws to protect children, elderly, and disabled.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know you must be in shock and upset with yourself, thinking, "This time it will be different." I have been there in a lot of ways with my son, not to that level of abuse, but have felt very hurt and disrespected by him.
PLEASE CALL AND GET SOME HELP. You do not have to go through this alone. The good news is, that is your place and you do not have to let her back in.

I understand about your dog. You have gone through a lot and do not
want to be separated from him/her. God love you & please keep staying in touch. We all care a lot here!!!

Take care of yourself,
(((HUGS)))

 

[RN0441]

Maybe a moderator can start this on it's own new thread so more can come to make comments?

So sorry you are going through this. How sad for you and your daughter is so mean that it makes me angry and I don't even know you.

Do you have ANYONE that you can call to help you out with this situation that would be hard for even a healthy person to deal with? A friend, a pastor, another child?

Your life and your happiness matter and don't think for a minute that you are not important!

We are here for you!!

Hugs!

 

[Triedntrue]

None of this is your fault period. You deserve to have peace in your own home. Call the police file a restraining order. My son is 36 he is not allowed in my home. He is verbally abusive and tends to throw or break things. Think of it this way what if she hurts your dog. I agree with the others here please get help for yourself. It sounds to me like she took a three months leave as a vacation not to help you. You deserve to live the rest of your life in peace. I know doctors are mandatory reporters of child abuse probably elder abuse as well next time you go to the doctor tell him what is going on. Document and have him call the proper organization. If you can afford it, stay in a hotel while they make her and her friend move out. Then change your locks and put in security system. Do not allow her to return. I know this is not easy my son is bipolar and i felt horrible telling him he couldnt be here but i now have a peaceful place to be. That is what you deserve to have too.

 

[JusUs]

Don't most states have grandparents rights where you can still see your grandchildren regardless of your adult child's wishes?

 

[Triedntrue]

From what i understand they have made those laws tougher.

 

[BusynMember]

The Supreme Court of the U.S. ruled against grandparents and for parents. Grandparents all over have no rights excrpt if their child dies and the grandchildren are being withheld...or if the child had lived with the grandparent as the caregiver for an extended period of time.

 

[SoapMom]

Thank you so much for this. My 21 y/o daughter and I have had a very tumultuous relationship for years. It seems I keep giving and giving in hopes to someday gain respect and caring from her and it doesn't ever give me that result lol. She's only nice to me when she wants something from me. Otherwise, 90% of the time she is very short and dismissive and disrespectful. I always wanted one of those relationships with my daughter where we're best friends, close and very loving. She mistreats me and we fight, I say Im done, she apologizes and 2 weeks later we're back at it. It has been going on like this for far too long. I know now that I need to cut her out of my heart as hard as that sounds. She lives here and I have asked her to move. All of these posts and comments make me feel better, knowing there are others in the same boat.

 

[JMontalbo]

I’m so grateful I found this place and that I’m not the only parent dealing with an adult child with narcissistic behavior. I’ve had to endure years of verbal abuse from this child and she’s in her 30s now. She’s always had a tendency to direct her rage at me when things don’t go her way. At this time she is dealing with a cps case and I currently have custody of her 11 year old son as a result of her lifestyle choices. Her inability to stay out of physically abusive relationships and a suspected drug addiction and repeated trips to jail, she is now only allowed supervised visits with him. Since she is literally incapable of dealing with the fact that she can’t be in control of everything at all times, she has created chaos in my home. I allowed her to come into my home to visit him and attempted to demand things that were in direct violation of the cps order. As soon as I said no, she verbally attacked me in a rage and I truly felt she would have possibly tried to physically assault me. I told her to leave and she cussed me out all the way to the driveway. This is her typical behavior and I’m so tired of it. I love my daughter but I don’t like her at all. I am always her scapegoat. Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. It helps to know I’m not alone in dealing with these kinds of things. People who aren’t in our shoes don’t know the emotional turmoil a child can put a parent through. To love someone who can spew such ugliness is beyond comprehension but I’m sure you all understand I will not tolerate her behavior any longer and have decided to ask the other grandparents to take my grandson temporarily. It’s for the best at this point. I just want peace. Prayers for you all.

 

[JayPee]

JM

You sound like you've arrived at a good place. When we finally stop accepting the verbal abuse, is the beginning of a new day for us!

It took me a very, very long time to arrive here. Somehow, we get ourselves trapped in a place of obligation to our adult children. We feel we are supposed to tolerate whatever cr*p they throw at us out of their own anger, inability to function, addictions, dissappointments etc. There's like a "bad committee" in our heads telling us "just take this kind of abuse one more time because, gosh they were good kids and they're having a tough time." When in reality, none of us adults could successfully or rightfully so dish this kind of stuff out to people we work with or live with, without ramifications.

I've only arrived "on the other side" a few months now. Yes, there's still some hurt when I know adult kids are sleeping in cars, in the cold and possibly starving. But this has been going on for a few years now (off and on) and I've finally learned to step out of the way and not be a human verbal punching bag for all their hurt, pain and sorrow. They will never get better if I try to intervene and soften all the ups and downs life throws at them. I pray for them all the time but I'm trying to let them figure this out.

 

[Triedntrue]

I’m so grateful I found this place and that I’m not the only parent dealing with an adult child with narcissistic behavior. I’ve had to endure years of verbal abuse from this child and she’s in her 30s now. She’s always had a tendency to direct her rage at me when things don’t go her way. At this time she is dealing with a cps case and I currently have custody of her 11 year old son as a result of her lifestyle choices. Her inability to stay out of physically abusive relationships and a suspected drug addiction and repeated trips to jail, she is now only allowed supervised visits with him. Since she is literally incapable of dealing with the fact that she can’t be in control of everything at all times, she has created chaos in my home. I allowed her to come into my home to visit him and attempted to demand things that were in direct violation of the cps order. As soon as I said no, she verbally attacked me in a rage and I truly felt she would have possibly tried to physically assault me. I told her to leave and she cussed me out all the way to the driveway. This is her typical behavior and I’m so tired of it. I love my daughter but I don’t like her at all. I am always her scapegoat. Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. It helps to know I’m not alone in dealing with these kinds of things. People who aren’t in our shoes don’t know the emotional turmoil a child can put a parent through. To love someone who can spew such ugliness is beyond comprehension but I’m sure you all understand I will not tolerate her behavior any longer and have decided to ask the other grandparents to take my grandson temporarily. It’s for the best at this point. I just want peace. Prayers for you all.

I understand your decision about your grandson. Hopefully your daughter will stay away. I also understand the i love her but don't like her. It definitly sounds like she needs some boundaries as far as behavior in your home.

 

[Calgary Mom]

Hi Everyone: new member here. A lot of your stories resonate with me. I’m newly retired, married to the love of my life for past 32 years. My 34 year old son from my first marriage gives me a lot of grief. He is an alcoholic/drug abuser who claims he’s been sober for about 4 months this time. He’s been in and out of rehab and jobs so many times I’ve lost count. Only saving grace for me is that he lives far away.

My son had an ego the size of the earth from the time he was a young lad. He lives to manipulate people in his life and tries to make me feel like I owe him all the time. I remember very vividly one incident when he was about 10 when he was sobbing and pitching a fit because I wouldn’t give him whatever it was he wanted. In the midst of tears rolling down his face he suddenly looked up at me and burst out laughing stating “Damn,I’m good at this, aren’t I?” I remember telling my husband I would be frightened to see how he would try to manipulate any woman later on in his life, when he could turn it on/off just like a switch.

Drove over 1,000 km to see him a couple of years ago. He said he would take me out for my birthday, but then let my husband pay for everything. Well, okay, no biggie. But the next day when I came to his home, he had his girlfriend at the time come out to tell me he “didn’t feel up to seeing me today.” WTH - I came all this way to visit and you don’t feel up for it?

He has pestered me for money continuously over the last 3 - 4 years. I have given him money without asking for repayment on too many occasions to count. I have told him that since retiring I no longer have the same disposable income and can no longer give him money. I told him it makes me sad that every conversation he has with me always ends up with him asking for money. I feel like if I’m not giving him money, he probably would never call or text me. He promised me last week that he would stop asking. But sure enough today, just when I was hopeful that we were having a nice conversation with no mention of money, up it comes again. Only this time he has the audacity to tell me he is going to help ME by paying me a high rate of interest when he borrows and that this will help my retirement cash flow! I told him I have zero interest in being a loan shark and that he would not be able to repay me given the number of calls I get from collection agencies looking for him. He got really angry, ranted about how “unlike my ex-fiancée I can’t just flash my pussy and get a new man to take care of me” and how I “have no idea the things I have had to do to survive”. He came into over $250k at age 18 when his dad died and blew it all on partying, booze and drugs. But I should hand over everything I worked my whole life for because I owe it to him. He said he was angry and didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Today I took a step in the right direction and instead of pleading or arguing with him I simply said “okay” and hung up. He did text me later on to say he would call me later in the week but I didn’t reply. It breaks my heart to think that my only child is a narcissist who has little to no genuine love for me. But I guess it’s time I finally see him for who he really is and not who I want him to be. I’m just lucky to have an incredibly loving and supportive husband to stand by me.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Calgary Mom

I'm sorry you are being put through this.

I think the first thing that needs to happen for you and the rest of us is that we face up to reality, without flinching, which you are doing. Your son is your son. Regardless of diagnosis. He does what he does.

That is reality.

He knows and you know what he does and the effect. The very safe presumption is that he will keep doing it. As you say, the responsibility is your own to learn to respond in a different way.

That he may mistreat, con, deceive, manipulate, lie, avoid responsibility, not follow through on commitments, seems to be a given.

Whether he loves you or not, is neither here nor there. The way he treats you is NOT loving. Boundaries are not only limits that we set for others not to cross. Boundaries also exist in our own heads. So that we don't indulge ourselves in ways that cause us pain. When we are not treated with love by our adult children, who are self-absorbed and self-serving, we feel very sad. We need to work very hard to avoid this. It doesn't help us or them. Many of us spend valuable time trying to fix our kids. You seem beyond that. Good for you.

I think the next steps for you are setting limits so that communications and contacts with your son are not so damaging. This requires, too, that your thinking changes, about you, him and your life.

Learning to turn to people who value you, do things that give you pleasure, think in ways that reinforce strength and well-being, and to not indulge feelings that are undermining and make you feel bad. Many of us turn to spirituality, exercise, therapy, 12 step groups, art, friends, etc. to bolster well-being and meaning in our lives, as an antidote to the stress we feel with our children, but also to come to experience ourselves as greater, more and deeper than our customary roles.

Others will be around shortly. I want to welcome you to the site, and hope you continue to post. It helps.