How to stop enabling abusive narcissistic entitled adult children

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Dec 11, 2016.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am so glad you are finally giving YOU a life!!
     
  2. Tammy Akin

    Tammy Akin New Member

    My daughter lives with my hubby and me and causes great distress in my home. She was a 6 yr old daughter that I take care of mostly. I would love to kick her out but am very concerned about leaving my granddaughter alone under her care.
     
  3. Gelisgi

    Gelisgi New Member

    Thank you for posting that. We have an 18 year old narcissistic daughter. I won’t go into all the details as it would take all night. But we are worn down to nothing. There is no joy in living anymore. We love her, but whatever we’ve done for her, she’s thrown back in our faces. She’s mean, verbally and emotionally abusive, the whole narcissistic ball of wax. So we’ve begun distancing ourselves emotionally from her. She still lives with us, and now that we’re not running and jumping to her demands she is ANGRY. Oh so very angry. And she’s stepped up her game. We are non drinkers, non smokers, apparently boring people. We’d no sooner delve into prostitution and drugs than we’d jump off the roof. So she’s working that angle against us now. She claims she’s doping and prostituting. Who knows if she really is or not. I see no evidence that she is. She lies constantly about everything. But I’ve had enough. Our health is failing seriously from the constant unrelenting stress. I’m 60 and my husband is almost 60. We’re drowning in this. And there is no solution. If she were a little older I’d say, fine, make her get out and learn about living in the adult world. I did at her age. But then I did not have her mental health challenges. Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. Narcissistic abuse is very isolating. Just being able so say something “out loud” on this forum was good. I love her with all my heart, but I really don’t like her at all. Her cruel ways are killing me. And, strangely enough, it appears that she expects me to enjoy that. Sigh.
     
  4. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    I have posted on here before, as my son got fired from his job of 15 years as a fast food chain manager. He had another job that fell through. So, he filed for unemployment, but it never came through for whatever reason. ( I see now that he was making up stuff.) Anyway, he was hospitalized for suicudal thoughts, which I now think was manipulative. He got evicted from his apartment and I found out that he was spending money on porn. So, anyway, he has now moved away and has left me with financial woes. When I did not not let him stay with me when he got out of the hospital, he said that was unforgivable. Well, I have now decided that I do not need his abuse. He came to get the car (that I co-signed for). He is going to take care of the payment. He says he is going to pay me back, but I am not holding my breath. Now when I talk to him, I do not let him know how hurt I am. I do not ask him when he plans to pay me back. I have gotten depressed over this; however, I am not going to let this get me down. I am going to keep doing things to take care of myself. I will continue to communicate when he calls me; however, I do not plan to initiate calls. He wants his space, he can have it. I still love my son but I will love him from a distance. It is time to take care of Gail.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
  5. Juliette0309

    Juliette0309 New Member

    I am new here ..First off "Hello" to all ..I recently had to have emergency mitral/aortic valve replacement surgery due to having rheumatic fever as a child. My 28yr old daughter who lives with me told my doctor that she was going to take a leave of absence 3 months from her job to take care of me when I was released from the hospital. Well I had my reservations about that and I told the nurses cause my daughter is very abusive both verbally an physically to me and I was scared how she would treat me especially with me being vulnerable. My daughter found out that I told the nurses an was making plans to go to a incare facility before I was released from the hospital an begged me daily to let her help me. So I figured OK I would give her a chance and maybe she wanted to change the way she was treating me, that this close call maybe made her see that she almost lost her mother. Finally I was able to go home from the hospital and my daughter was there to pick me up but when we got home she had moved in one of her friends! I barely had strength to even walk let alone to say too much to her over why that person was in my house. OH and I was in the hospital for 4 weeks, my house was a total mess! All that time an she didn't pick up or clean anything, I came home to a huge mess. She didn't even plan anything for dinner for me I was on my own, she told me that she an her friend were going out to dinner. I said wait what am I suppose to do and she started yelling at me that she has been stressed worrying if she was going to get the leave of absence approved from work or not ..I was left in shock. So for 3 months I basically was on my own ..Well now an then she had to drive me to my check up appointments but she complained an stressed me out all the way there it was horrible. I am so depressed only reason I am here truly is for my dog. I know that sounds silly but its the truth. My daughter is a narcissistic hateful person. I can't say anything she turns it around against me. She now says to me cause she took 3 months off for the leave of absence to help me ? she is in debt on her credit card ...and its my fault. Oh too If I didn't end up having heart surgery non of this would of happened ..again my fault ...always its my fault ..my fault ..
     
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Julliette

    How are you feeling physically?

    Are you back on your feet, now?

    Does anyone else live with you other than your daughter and her friend?

    Did your 28 year old daughter live with you before you had the surgery?

    You might try calling the Department of Disabilities and Aging Services, especially if you are still under a doctor’s care or if you are over age 62.

    If not, you may need to call the police department.

    Are you in any type of counseling?

    It sounds like you need to take steps to get them out of the house. Let us know what the status of your situation is. Since your daughter is both verbally and physically abusive, this needs to be done as soon as possible.

    Stay with us..

    Apple
     
  7. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Juliette, I am so sorry that this is the treatment you received. Your life literally depends on you caring as much about yourself as you do anyone else. Your relationship with your daughter is toxic and bad for both of you.

    Many of us get caught in the FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt. The only way I personally have been able to escape it is to set clear boundaries and to detach. I'd rather be alone than to be abused by anyone, family or not.

    Keep posting, and take steps, no matter how small each day.
     
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry and I do understand the love of a dog. I share it. My love for mine is as fierce or more than for many humans. Do NOT feel your life depends on having a nice daughter. Your life is about YOU and the nice people in your life, not just her. Get therapy to help you if you want to learn to put yourself first. Many of us do this.

    Your daughter is 28 and abusive and lacks empathy. You know this...I am not trying to be harsh. Why give her shelter? Even if she has no job there are homeless shelters, couch surfing, food pantries and welfare. She needs to be on her own and not in your space stressing you out after heart surgery. Tell her to leave. Get a restraining order if she won't. She could kill you. And she is way past the age of a child. It is her own fault if she never grew up and her own responsibility to do so. She is not safe, daughter or not.

    I hope you feel better soon and tell this daughter she needs to get out and act her age then do it. It's not easy but she has been terrible. And you need to be calm.

    Hugs and light.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
  9. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    Juliette,, I agree with CoriApple. This is abuse and coercion on your daughter's part. I would also contact the Department of Social Services, as there are laws to protect children, elderly, and disabled.

    I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know you must be in shock and upset with yourself, thinking, "This time it will be different." I have been there in a lot of ways with my son, not to that level of abuse, but have felt very hurt and disrespected by him.
    PLEASE CALL AND GET SOME HELP. You do not have to go through this alone. The good news is, that is your place and you do not have to let her back in.

    I understand about your dog. You have gone through a lot and do not
    want to be separated from him/her. God love you & please keep staying in touch. We all care a lot here!!!

    Take care of yourself,
    (((HUGS)))
     
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Maybe a moderator can start this on it's own new thread so more can come to make comments?

    So sorry you are going through this. How sad for you and your daughter is so mean that it makes me angry and I don't even know you.

    Do you have ANYONE that you can call to help you out with this situation that would be hard for even a healthy person to deal with? A friend, a pastor, another child?

    Your life and your happiness matter and don't think for a minute that you are not important!

    We are here for you!!

    Hugs!
     
  11. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    None of this is your fault period. You deserve to have peace in your own home. Call the police file a restraining order. My son is 36 he is not allowed in my home. He is verbally abusive and tends to throw or break things. Think of it this way what if she hurts your dog. I agree with the others here please get help for yourself. It sounds to me like she took a three months leave as a vacation not to help you. You deserve to live the rest of your life in peace. I know doctors are mandatory reporters of child abuse probably elder abuse as well next time you go to the doctor tell him what is going on. Document and have him call the proper organization. If you can afford it, stay in a hotel while they make her and her friend move out. Then change your locks and put in security system. Do not allow her to return. I know this is not easy my son is bipolar and i felt horrible telling him he couldnt be here but i now have a peaceful place to be. That is what you deserve to have too.
     
  12. JusUs

    JusUs New Member

    Don't most states have grandparents rights where you can still see your grandchildren regardless of your adult child's wishes?
     
  13. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    From what i understand they have made those laws tougher.
     
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The Supreme Court of the U.S. ruled against grandparents and for parents. Grandparents all over have no rights excrpt if their child dies and the grandchildren are being withheld...or if the child had lived with the grandparent as the caregiver for an extended period of time.
     
  15. SoapMom

    SoapMom New Member

    Thank you so much for this. My 21 y/o daughter and I have had a very tumultuous relationship for years. It seems I keep giving and giving in hopes to someday gain respect and caring from her and it doesn't ever give me that result lol. She's only nice to me when she wants something from me. Otherwise, 90% of the time she is very short and dismissive and disrespectful. I always wanted one of those relationships with my daughter where we're best friends, close and very loving. She mistreats me and we fight, I say Im done, she apologizes and 2 weeks later we're back at it. It has been going on like this for far too long. I know now that I need to cut her out of my heart as hard as that sounds. She lives here and I have asked her to move. All of these posts and comments make me feel better, knowing there are others in the same boat.