Isn't Google a great thing? That's how I found and read some of this inspirational stuff. I have a step-daughter who has been abusing me for years and although I saw it and occasionally dealt with it, not in the right way and it is exhausting. She is now 25 years old, with a child of her own and if you don't do what she wants, when she wants it, the way she wants it, with no push back, all H**l breaks loose. I have now, most recently, been called out on Social Media for being a 'snake' step-mom and a victim. I am neither. I raised her from the age of 2 yo because her bio-mother left her and her brother and sister with their dad, now my husband. The only thing that breaks my heart in letting her go is not seeing my Grandson. She will do that. Her bio-mother used that tactic with the kids in reference to fighting they would have and she told me she never would, but sadly she has turned out just like that. I guess there is something to genes. Hard to imagine that a child who spent 4 days per month with her bio-mother could turn out so much like her. Her constant drama and neediness and then lack of gratitude, or anything for that matter, has just worn both of us down to nothing. She continues to make horrible, horrible choices and detonate bombs in her life and then as I sad above, if you don't run as fast as you can to pick up the pieces she lets loose on social media. I don't respond. I may not be completely healthy yet and still let it affect me horribly, but that I don't do. I don't put my drama on social media. I texted her privately and got blown apart and that was the last of that. Someone called her out on her post and she blasted me again, even though I had nothing to do with it. They just recognized it for what it was. The typical 'my parents have never done anything for me and when I needed them they weren't there.' I am just done, done, done. If anyone has anything inspirational to say about how you deal with the losing contact with the grandchild issue, I would love to hear it. It bolsters my resolve.
I am 68. I gave birth to and raised 2 sons and 1 daughter (47, 43 and 34, respectively. My eldest is an alcoholic (since age 15), sex addict, junkie, gambler. My middle son sexually abused my daughter when he was 14 (she was 4). He was her babysitter after schohol, given I worked full time. My daughter seems to blame me for what her brother did (I had no idea). When I found out what he did, I immediately called the police and child protection who took him away (he confessed and got 2 years of a nothing really sentence - never saw jail). I also immediately took my daughter to a therapist (psychologist) specialist in sexual abuse of children. Nothing I did mattered, my daughter would not open up to any therapist and I tried half a dozen, at least. I do not speak to my pedophile son (he moved to Australia, I am in Canada). My daughter quit talking to me (no precise reason given) and cut me off my grandkids which I adored. That was 8 years ago. She also refused to let me come to her wedding (I developed shingles in my left eye, within days of this). Lately, she sent me a FB message saying I was an abusive narcissistic, according to Dr. Daughter. No doctor agrees that I have any mental health issue - my eldest son insisted I was bipolar, my doctor and 2 shrinks said I have no mental illness. I did develop depression and anxiety - did therapy for 10 years, then later took Prozac for another 10 years. Off Prozac now for about a year, per doctor's urging. I feel hardly any anxiety and rarely depressed anymore. My eldest (the crackhead and junkie) is, when speaking to me, abusing me. He calls me a
, a
and a loser (I have 2 university degrees and am now retired from the Gov of Canada. He demands or manipulates all day long that he basically needs money, a service, a favour. He lies and deceives me most of the time. He steals from me. The next step, as I see it, he will start hitting me. He has been to 13 treatment centres (first one I sent him to, he was 17 years old, he is now 47), he's been to AA, NA, etc - he has been to detox. He has lived in shelters and on the streets. He is a red seal cook - he refuses to get COVID 19 vaccinations (its all a big conspiracy), sometimes he is psychotic, i.e., not in touch with reality. Lately he told me what I can talk about and what I can't talk about. I am in Al-Anon, off and on. Both my university degrees are in Law. My specialty is the abuse of women (ironic eh?). All this to say, I know I am being abused and what I need to do. Either cut him out of my life forever 100% or set ultra firm boundaries going forward. He is the only living blood relative I have had anything to do with, off and on. He considers his own son 'an abortion that should have happened". He has burned most bridges re all friendship by borrowing money and never paying back. He hates himself. So this is what I will do, and see how that goes. Since he is not immunized, he will no longer be welcomed in my home and besides for any reason, I do not want him to enter my home as he may start hitting me, or steal items from me he can sell for drugs (that has been his MO, the stealing part). If he wishes, and is of good verbal behaviour, he can text me now and then. I can meet him outdoors (or in public) to have a coffee/lunch with him but he will have to pay his own tab. The minute he gets nasty or calls me names or play the blame mom for everything game, I leave (I have my own car) I will no longer listen to his poor-me's, his troubles - he does that, I am leaving. I will no longer feel guilty that his life, of his own making, is crap. He has options, but I also have options. The trick I think is knowing when you have had enough. I accept him for who he is, I love him but I really do not like him. I am powerless over his, his decisions, his lifestyle. I am not responsible for anything that causes him problems. I will remind myself of that fact, often. I accept there is nothing I can do but let him go with love and stay in touch once in a while if he is of good behaviour, and only in public. If I do not do this, I may as well put a gun to my head. I love my life, I want to life as long as possible. I have done all the things everyone here has talked about. I have also felt every feeling mentioned here, and then some. One day I rehersed his funeral in my head, over and over again - and then I found peace and acceptance, after much crying and carrying on about losing my first born.
happens, whether I was harsh with him growing up, or not. He displayed violence throughout his life, starting at about 5 years old. His doctor said he was 'hyper'. No such thing as ADD back in the 70s. He gave him pills - which made him 100 times MORE hyper. So I took him off and dealt with him as best I could - not very well, but I did my best. He can go whine to someone else. I told him once that when he is FATHER OF THE YEAR, he can criticize me. I told my daughter the same thing. They can all piss off with their blame-game. They are horrible parents, and I did not teach them to be how they are - the opposite is true. And my daughter is also an alcoholic (recovering in AA as far as I know) and still on pot (has been since she is about 12). Her eldest son (14 years old) was diagnosed with depression at age 7 as his mom was a drop dead drunk most of his life. Anyways, I hope this helps someone. There are solutions to abusive adult children - heart wrenching to implement, but required in order to take care of ourselves. Stay safe everyone. Love yourselves.
