How to stop enabling abusive narcissistic entitled adult children

Triedntrue

Well-Known Member
I am glad you are taking steps in the right direction. My son does the same and i have reached the point where his calls are blocked. It's like my brother said he will drain you dry if you let him. I am also retired. It is always either just this time and i will be good and can pay you back. Or i won't survive if you don't. It never ends. Your son sounds the same. Someone on here told me they will get angry until it sinks in you mean it. It is not your responsibility. One thing that helped me was to think back to what i was doing at his age. I also look at his 2 younger brothers who ask me for nothing. Keep holding those lines.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
a game changer for me.
Dear Calgary Mom

I am only now realizing that this is an old thread. Others are unlikely to see your post here. If you send a note to RunawayBunny, she is the site administrator, she will move this post to your own new thread. Or you can copy it, and do it yourself.

All the best.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Welcome Calgary Mom,

You may be a "new member" here but you are an old member of the "club". I appreciated reading your post. It gave me more resolve in the path I'm taking. "Not enabling adult sons". It's often our own illusion of reality that puts us in the predicaments we end up in. For me, the illusion that my sons are still caring, loving gentle young boys that I raised, is my own reality that I have to continue to work on because that's what often pangs at my heartstrings.

The reality is, the only time they "need" me is for money. I'm trash, garbage and kicked to the curb when I won't hand it out.

I have to remind myself that life, addictions, mental and emotional illness has changed them and at this point they are not working at becoming better people. In fact, I highly doubt they see themselves as the one who needs changing.

To some degree I can't blame all of this ugly pattern on my sons. After all I played a role in it too. They knew if they hounded me enough and tried to gain my pity (which quite frankly is pretty easy for most of us parents) that I'd cave and give them money. Even if they didn't come right out and ask, if I saw how pitiful, lonely and miserable they looked, I'd give them money without asking.

They may change someday and then again they may not. In the meantime, I'm working on changing me so I find value in myself to not take such abuse and disrespect.
 

Calgary Mom

New Member
Hi JayPee: thanks for your reply to my post. To have to live with that times 2 has got to be incredibly difficult. I real like what you said about our illusions of who are sons are. That’s really true for me; I have kept wanting to believe that my son is a sweet boy at heart when time and time again his behaviour shows me otherwise. It is time to start believing what is reality and acting accordingly.
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
Thank you for posting this. It's important to hear again that no matter my good intentions, I need to step away. Whatever I do, say, or give is never enough for my DS. I want my life back.

I agree that a good Coda group is invaluable.

Mamacat, I empathize because my daughter cut herself and grandchildren out of my life. The gift has been learning to love and care for myself.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
"It took me a very, very long time to arrive here. Somehow, we get ourselves trapped in a place of obligation to our adult children. We feel we are supposed to tolerate whatever cr*p they throw at us out of their own anger, inability to function, addictions, dissappointments etc. There's like a "bad committee" in our heads telling us "just take this kind of abuse one more time because, gosh they were good kids and they're having a tough time." When in reality, none of us adults could successfully or rightfully so dish this kind of stuff out to people we work with or live with, without ramifications."
So true. Thank you for writing this.

"For me, the illusion that my sons are still caring, loving gentle young boys that I raised, is my own reality that I have to continue to work on because that's what often pangs at my heartstrings. I have to remind myself that life, addictions, mental and emotional illness has changed them and at this point they are not working at becoming better people."
Again, so true. This is what I'm working on right now. Getting free of the illusion.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
It was Maya Angelou who said, to paraphrase, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them.

For me this is true for everybody except for our children. I believe our children act out in all kinds of ways, and can do and say horrible things, and still be inside, themselves. I believe they can return to us. But I am in the very small minority here on this board that believes that it may serve us, if we can hold a beacon of hope that our beloved children will return. Not in self-sacrifice or in denial of the reality of their self-immolation. But in hope.

I believe we kill off a part of ourselves when we close off completely to the potential of goodness in our children. It's as if to say that we failed, deluded ourselves, and lived in vain. When we kill off our hope. We pay such a price when we close off to that part of us that loved them with all our hearts and all of our souls.

To keep open to the possibility of the sweetness of love, in ourselves and in our children, is not to accept abuse. It's not to deny the reality of bad behavior. It's to acknowledge that as long as we live we are their parents, and they are our beloved children.

It's not because the way they live and act makes them worthy of our hope and love but because we are worthy of that, of loving them. We are strong enough to love in the darkness and we deserve that.
 
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Ottawa Mom

New Member
Isn't Google a great thing? That's how I found and read some of this inspirational stuff. I have a step-daughter who has been abusing me for years and although I saw it and occasionally dealt with it, not in the right way and it is exhausting. She is now 25 years old, with a child of her own and if you don't do what she wants, when she wants it, the way she wants it, with no push back, all H**l breaks loose. I have now, most recently, been called out on Social Media for being a 'snake' step-mom and a victim. I am neither. I raised her from the age of 2 yo because her bio-mother left her and her brother and sister with their dad, now my husband. The only thing that breaks my heart in letting her go is not seeing my Grandson. She will do that. Her bio-mother used that tactic with the kids in reference to fighting they would have and she told me she never would, but sadly she has turned out just like that. I guess there is something to genes. Hard to imagine that a child who spent 4 days per month with her bio-mother could turn out so much like her. Her constant drama and neediness and then lack of gratitude, or anything for that matter, has just worn both of us down to nothing. She continues to make horrible, horrible choices and detonate bombs in her life and then as I sad above, if you don't run as fast as you can to pick up the pieces she lets loose on social media. I don't respond. I may not be completely healthy yet and still let it affect me horribly, but that I don't do. I don't put my drama on social media. I texted her privately and got blown apart and that was the last of that. Someone called her out on her post and she blasted me again, even though I had nothing to do with it. They just recognized it for what it was. The typical 'my parents have never done anything for me and when I needed them they weren't there.' I am just done, done, done. If anyone has anything inspirational to say about how you deal with the losing contact with the grandchild issue, I would love to hear it. It bolsters my resolve.
I am 68. I gave birth to and raised 2 sons and 1 daughter (47, 43 and 34, respectively. My eldest is an alcoholic (since age 15), sex addict, junkie, gambler. My middle son sexually abused my daughter when he was 14 (she was 4). He was her babysitter after schohol, given I worked full time. My daughter seems to blame me for what her brother did (I had no idea). When I found out what he did, I immediately called the police and child protection who took him away (he confessed and got 2 years of a nothing really sentence - never saw jail). I also immediately took my daughter to a therapist (psychologist) specialist in sexual abuse of children. Nothing I did mattered, my daughter would not open up to any therapist and I tried half a dozen, at least. I do not speak to my pedophile son (he moved to Australia, I am in Canada). My daughter quit talking to me (no precise reason given) and cut me off my grandkids which I adored. That was 8 years ago. She also refused to let me come to her wedding (I developed shingles in my left eye, within days of this). Lately, she sent me a FB message saying I was an abusive narcissistic, according to Dr. Daughter. No doctor agrees that I have any mental health issue - my eldest son insisted I was bipolar, my doctor and 2 shrinks said I have no mental illness. I did develop depression and anxiety - did therapy for 10 years, then later took Prozac for another 10 years. Off Prozac now for about a year, per doctor's urging. I feel hardly any anxiety and rarely depressed anymore. My eldest (the crackhead and junkie) is, when speaking to me, abusing me. He calls me a :censored2:, a :censored2: and a loser (I have 2 university degrees and am now retired from the Gov of Canada. He demands or manipulates all day long that he basically needs money, a service, a favour. He lies and deceives me most of the time. He steals from me. The next step, as I see it, he will start hitting me. He has been to 13 treatment centres (first one I sent him to, he was 17 years old, he is now 47), he's been to AA, NA, etc - he has been to detox. He has lived in shelters and on the streets. He is a red seal cook - he refuses to get COVID 19 vaccinations (its all a big conspiracy), sometimes he is psychotic, i.e., not in touch with reality. Lately he told me what I can talk about and what I can't talk about. I am in Al-Anon, off and on. Both my university degrees are in Law. My specialty is the abuse of women (ironic eh?). All this to say, I know I am being abused and what I need to do. Either cut him out of my life forever 100% or set ultra firm boundaries going forward. He is the only living blood relative I have had anything to do with, off and on. He considers his own son 'an abortion that should have happened". He has burned most bridges re all friendship by borrowing money and never paying back. He hates himself. So this is what I will do, and see how that goes. Since he is not immunized, he will no longer be welcomed in my home and besides for any reason, I do not want him to enter my home as he may start hitting me, or steal items from me he can sell for drugs (that has been his MO, the stealing part). If he wishes, and is of good verbal behaviour, he can text me now and then. I can meet him outdoors (or in public) to have a coffee/lunch with him but he will have to pay his own tab. The minute he gets nasty or calls me names or play the blame mom for everything game, I leave (I have my own car) I will no longer listen to his poor-me's, his troubles - he does that, I am leaving. I will no longer feel guilty that his life, of his own making, is crap. He has options, but I also have options. The trick I think is knowing when you have had enough. I accept him for who he is, I love him but I really do not like him. I am powerless over his, his decisions, his lifestyle. I am not responsible for anything that causes him problems. I will remind myself of that fact, often. I accept there is nothing I can do but let him go with love and stay in touch once in a while if he is of good behaviour, and only in public. If I do not do this, I may as well put a gun to my head. I love my life, I want to life as long as possible. I have done all the things everyone here has talked about. I have also felt every feeling mentioned here, and then some. One day I rehersed his funeral in my head, over and over again - and then I found peace and acceptance, after much crying and carrying on about losing my first born. :censored2: happens, whether I was harsh with him growing up, or not. He displayed violence throughout his life, starting at about 5 years old. His doctor said he was 'hyper'. No such thing as ADD back in the 70s. He gave him pills - which made him 100 times MORE hyper. So I took him off and dealt with him as best I could - not very well, but I did my best. He can go whine to someone else. I told him once that when he is FATHER OF THE YEAR, he can criticize me. I told my daughter the same thing. They can all piss off with their blame-game. They are horrible parents, and I did not teach them to be how they are - the opposite is true. And my daughter is also an alcoholic (recovering in AA as far as I know) and still on pot (has been since she is about 12). Her eldest son (14 years old) was diagnosed with depression at age 7 as his mom was a drop dead drunk most of his life. Anyways, I hope this helps someone. There are solutions to abusive adult children - heart wrenching to implement, but required in order to take care of ourselves. Stay safe everyone. Love yourselves.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Ottawa Mom... hugs. You have been through so much. It is time to concentrste on yourself. You deserve peace... ksm
 

Karilj

New Member
For months I thought I was the only person to deal with this kind of hostility from my adult children, I have since found out not only am I not alone, there are many in this tribe. I made the decision to cut my kids off even though I knew I would no longer get to see my grandchildren. Realizing that if I didn't my own mental health was at risk. It has been over a year since I have spoken with my son or seen my granddaughter, and a little over 6 months since I have spoken with my daughter. I even went so far as to change the locks on my home.
 
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