How to stop enabling abusive narcissistic entitled adult children

[Crayola13]

I’m so sorry about what happened to your son. Obviously, it’s affecting your health. Gun violence is all around us. Most survivors of any type of violence need counseling, possibly medications, too. I wish he had taken advantage of the help available. It’s become so common that there are free support groups. He might qualify for therapy at no cost. I hope the window of time for him to benefit from counseling hasn’t closed. If some people wait too long, counseling and medications can only do so much. It’s up to your son to take advantage of the resources and help that is out there.

Does he still drink heavily?

You mentioned he’s in a third world country. Did he move out of the U.S. to escape gun violence?

 

[tommi]

We are trying to forget our 49-year-old son who is emotionally abusing us. I wish I had read this years ago, like when you posted this. Now, with COVID isolation taking friendships away, we are alone. Age 87 and 83. Both of us had heart surgeries this month. We miss the wonderful, sensitive, kind, and caring son who changed overnight after being a victim of gun violence in his dorm at a rich kid's university. Before Columbine, he received no help. Started drinking. Had a promising career. Fast fwd to 2015 when a SWAT team firefight erupted around his home and the police did not evacuate him (he was 20 feet from the gunman who shot a responding officer to a domestic violence call). All other neighbor's were hospitalized for trauma. Our son didn't get help, now has severe PTSD. He lies, cheats, and steals. In a third-world country, living in squalor when at one time he was top in his field of science. We can do all that is suggested, but being alone without the friends we used to have, life is hopeless.

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry you are not alone

 

[Rom]

I thought I'd share this. Many of us deal with these types of not-quite-right adult children.

Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else. They say your job is to make them happy. They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.

What a nasty and unending list. If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt. You don’t deserve to be used and abused. You don’t owe them anything anymore. Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.

Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more. They think they’re entitled to whatever they want. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious. They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault. Their justifications will last forever.

I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children. There’s no hope down that path. Stop meddling and enabling them. These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.

The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact. Don’t debate or argue about who’s right. Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves. Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your futurebecause, really, you are taking your life back. Now you can enjoy the rest of your life. You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.

Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications. But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry. Your life will shrivel up like a prune.

If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now. With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in. And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums. And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want. And nothing is for free.

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

This is great. Thank you so much.

 

[lotus]

Last night I finally took my power back - it was our one and only adult son's 49th birthday. We were lost at the mall looking for the restaurant. We are in our seventies. I called our daughter-in-law to ask directions she said don't you have a GPS in her smart-ass tone. I said forget it will find a way and hung up. I immediately called our niece who directed us easily no questions asked. We got to the table and instead of greeting I got I don't like how you talked to my wife you hung up on her. I said we were rushed and nervous. In the same tone and attitude he accosted. My husband said you guys stop fighting. I did not listen. For the first time I didn't burst into tears or feel guilty. Then my daughter in law starts texting (I knew it was to her confidant aunt) giggling then got a response and said look she was laughing he look at phone said oh yeah. Then I said isn't that rude? All hell broke loose. My son had the hateful anger looked like he could spit fire at me. He was quaking looked ugly very ugly. He went through a litany of accusations that I answered saying I am your mother you are not my father my dad died years ago. My daughter in law said you know what your going to do not be able to see your son. I am crazy with rage over this because she has manipulated me for 28 years. We just saw them once last year. My husband said daughter in law eyes were like saucers in disbelief she said what's wrong with you you have never acted this way before. I said I am tired of kissing your asses X3. Our son told his wife let's go so in a flurry they were up he picked up his card and then threw it back on the table. It was such a relief we wouldn't have to hear all the terrible things that they judge us for, how wrong everything is with us and our life. Then, how step-by-step how they are so perfect. We have paid down payments on 3 homes bought each a car, paid for vacations home improvements and even gave them a rental property house they sold and put money down on yet another home. They lost all 4. No kids that JESUS! The restaurant manager asked us to stay the meal would be on us. We thanked her but said we were going to leave - she said wait and came back with two huge pieces of cake chocolate and carrot. So wonderful it was nice to be treated with kindness and decency even if it was a stranger. GOD help us all.
I by the grace of God and my other family I have no grief, regret or guilt. I was so tired of never knowing what to say I'd get whipped either way. My husband was in shock too - he is very proud of me. I am no shrinking violet I am a strong powerful woman. I had a great career and am still working part-time my own business. I bit my tongue so much my belly was full of blood - with both our son and daughter-in-law. Today I am renewed and ready to shake the dust and go toward those who love, respect and treat me like the queen I am. Let's all join together and pray and/or hold all the struggling mothers and fathers (with crappy adult children) up in high esteem. PEACE

 

[Nomad]

Lotus….Sadly, I have heard of a relatively similar story from a good friend.
It seems you have been generous and patient.
And now you are seniors. This is sad. Unfair. Ugh.

My friend and I talk about avoiding upsetting these adult “children”
in ways that we know they are over sensitive about. Like asking questions on how to do things. EVEN thought that is shockingly selfish and ? on their part. Doing these things has helped in part to navigate the muddy waters for my friend
You are constantly walking on egg shells , as is she.
The fact that you feel good right now might say something. Really like what you said about taking your power back.
I would consider doing some of what I advise my friend to do…BUT if their behavior is just over the top and you have “had it” you probably should pull back. Disengage. Avoid sarcasm. Avoid discussion. Avoid interaction. If it’s forced, speak calmly, sincerely , truthfully without name calling. Just the facts as they are. But…I would consider just calmly pulling back a LOT.

In the mean time, do what you enjoy doing in life. Go to nice restaurants. Movies. Plays. Travel. Don’t miss out in life due to this situation.

Again…loving the fact that you feel as if you took your power back and that you feel good. Awesome.

 

[tommi]

Last night I finally took my power back - it was our one and only adult son's 49th birthday. We were lost at the mall looking for the restaurant. We are in our seventies. I called our daughter-in-law to ask directions she said don't you have a GPS in her smart-ass tone. I said forget it will find a way and hung up. I immediately called our niece who directed us easily no questions asked. We got to the table and instead of greeting I got I don't like how you talked to my wife you hung up on her. I said we were rushed and nervous. In the same tone and attitude he accosted. My husband said you guys stop fighting. I did not listen. For the first time I didn't burst into tears or feel guilty. Then my daughter in law starts texting (I knew it was to her confidant aunt) giggling then got a response and said look she was laughing he look at phone said oh yeah. Then I said isn't that rude? All hell broke loose. My son had the hateful anger looked like he could spit fire at me. He was quaking looked ugly very ugly. He went through a litany of accusations that I answered saying I am your mother you are not my father my dad died years ago. My daughter in law said you know what your going to do not be able to see your son. I am crazy with rage over this because she has manipulated me for 28 years. We just saw them once last year. My husband said daughter in law eyes were like saucers in disbelief she said what's wrong with you you have never acted this way before. I said I am tired of kissing your asses X3. Our son told his wife let's go so in a flurry they were up he picked up his card and then threw it back on the table. It was such a relief we wouldn't have to hear all the terrible things that they judge us for, how wrong everything is with us and our life. Then, how step-by-step how they are so perfect. We have paid down payments on 3 homes bought each a car, paid for vacations home improvements and even gave them a rental property house they sold and put money down on yet another home. They lost all 4. No kids that JESUS! The restaurant manager asked us to stay the meal would be on us. We thanked her but said we were going to leave - she said wait and came back with two huge pieces of cake chocolate and carrot. So wonderful it was nice to be treated with kindness and decency even if it was a stranger. GOD help us all.
I by the grace of God and my other family I have no grief, regret or guilt. I was so tired of never knowing what to say I'd get whipped either way. My husband was in shock too - he is very proud of me. I am no shrinking violet I am a strong powerful woman. I had a great career and am still working part-time my own business. I bit my tongue so much my belly was full of blood - with both our son and daughter-in-law. Today I am renewed and ready to shake the dust and go toward those who love, respect and treat me like the queen I am. Let's all join together and pray and/or hold all the struggling mothers and fathers (with crappy adult children) up in high esteem. PEACE

AMEN SISTER,