Hurts so much

[FallingIn]

My username before was zopdrop but I discovered that if anyone searches on that name, my posts come up. So I changed it to something that people don't know me by.
Thanks for understanding my decision to putting my son in Airbnbs. It is definitely to relieve stress for myself. I know if he were homeless, he would just show up on my doorstep when he is drunk. He's done this numerous times before - I call the police, they take him away, he comes back a few hours later. It's so stressful, not to mention embarrassing to always have the police at my house. If I ignore him at my door he makes a scene in the backyard (because he's drunk). When he has a place to stay (airbnb), he doesn't come to my house.
The situation in my city is horrible for housing. Especially the homeless. The vacancy rate is about 1%, the waitlists for low income housing is months long - if they ever get to the top of the list. The homeless shelter is very dangerous - they have over 600 people in one building and sadly, people die there. My son has been beat up, has his stuff stolen, and he is in constant fear just hoping he survives. I just can't send him there - even though he is writing his own story. Unfortunately, I am all he has, so he relies on me for everything.
I think I'm a lost cause. I know I'm just buying time until I run out of the money I am prepared to throw away on him. At some point I know I will have to walk away, but I'll wait until I get past my own health issues to do that. So sad for both him and myself.

 

[Copabanana]

It's so stressful, not to mention embarrassing to always have the police at my house.

How I know.

Unfortunately, I am all he has, so he relies on me for everything.

Me too.

I think I'm a lost cause.

I wish you did not think or feel this.

I do remember you. I am so sorry life has gotten this difficult. It does for so many of us. Please don't think this has anything to do with your worth. Life is just so hard for so many of us. We have to try hard to be kind to ourselves. You deserve your own kindness.

 

[Ithurtz]

Five months have passed. I know this site was down for a while, but nothing has changed here. My son continues to drink, gets admitted for a few days to dry out, calls me and says he’s ready to change his path, wants to find work, and within a few days is drinking again.

Still with his mom, who I suspect is drinking on and off and provides him with alcohol. He has no job and is now completely out of money. Last week he called me for money to buy alcohol. I declined. So last week he sold his Pokeman card collection in order to buy booze.

It still hurts so much to see his addiction is consuming him. It is so helpful this site is back up so I can read and re-read the advice, suggestions and comments to alleviate some of my pain. I must keep that thought that he is a grown man, not a child, and his life is turning out driven by his choices. I can‘t change him, nor control him. So be it!

 

[Copabanana]

Today is my son's birthday. I called and sent him a text. As yet, no reply. I have gifts for him, but I am not eager to see him. I want to, but then I don't. It is what it is.

I have to accept myself. Who wants to run towards grief?

Our stories are very sad. Sometimes we get engulfed in the sadness of our stories. I can live with that. The challenge is to accept that it's okay to protect myself. In the largest sense, I get it. It's just that my heart hurts. For me. For him. There is no other life but this. Reality.

 

[MommaTried24]

I have gifts for him, but I am not eager to see him. I want to, but then I don't.

I'm sorry Copa and Ithurtz. I so feel your pain with my own son who will be getting out of jail again in 7 days. It's sad to say I'm dreading it. I agree with how you both feel. It's just a constant emotional rollercoaster ride. I still have gifts for my son from last Christmas. He was in jail then too. It will be 4 years this November since I've seen him. I want to but then I don't. I so get that.

Sending love and hugs to both of you. XOXO!!

 

[Dad34]

My daughter is back in jail after missing her August court date for DUI. She was in jail in July and she blew up my phone then after not contacting me for many months; I assumed she wanted money for bond, but who knows. I just wasn’t ready to be verbally assaulted or accused. Out of self protection I couldn’t even answer her calls then, but this time I did finally answer her calls a few times. They went well overall but she wanted me to put money in her jail commissary account, which I did not do. She is 35 yo and I assume she is provided essential items. Anyway, I put money on her account to call me, but she hasn’t called for a week, possibly because I didn’t give her commissary money, although I don’t know for sure. It’s actually more peaceful not to hear from her, which sounds terrible, but at least I know where she is and that she’s not drinking. I have thought about visiting her in jail but have reservations about that too; I haven’t seen her more than 1.5 years. I identify with Ithurtz and Copa, even though the details aren’t exactly the same. It’s a sad reality, but I keep praying.

 

[LetGo]

Ithurtz, Copabanana, MommaTried24, and Dad34, I have read all of your posts. I feel for all of us. There is the common thread of pain and the need for self protection from our own children. Most days I can accept that it is what it is regarding my daughter. Then I lapse into the fantasy place of "if only". I have been feeling better the last few days. I try to put that aspect of my life on a shelf and go ahead and live my life. It is a good life with much to enjoy. We really don't want to run towards grief. Take care of yourselves. Hugs to all of you.

 

[Ithurtz]

It does seem so true that one is only as happy as their least happy child. That must make it so tough for all of you here where it is your only child. I find myself battling my emotions so that they remain robust enough when I talk with my other children who are all doing well. They only occasionally ask about their brother as their own lives are busy enough.

Thank all of you for commenting as it does give me solace to reinforce my detachment and to know what is the best way to handle this. Someone on here said to keep posting and reading and I find that so true, somehow typing this does help me.

Take care.

 

[LetGo]

It does seem so true that one is only as happy as their least happy child. That must make it so tough for all of you here where it is your only child. I find myself battling my emotions so that they remain robust enough when I talk with my other children who are all doing well. They only occasionally ask about their brother as their own lives are busy enough.

Thank all of you for commenting as it does give me solace to reinforce my detachment and to know what is the best way to handle this. Someone on here said to keep posting and reading and I find that so true, somehow typing this does help me.

Take care.

Someone told me that same thing also. "You're only as happy as your least happy child." I had a long think on that awhile back and I don't think it's true! There are many places in my life that bring me joy. I am productive, kind and caring. If I was as "happy" as my daughter, oh, boy...I'd be in very seriously bad shape! Do I hurt for her? Yes! Do I wish things were different for and with her? Absolutely. But they are what they are. My other children are doing quite well. My husband and I are enjoying life. Periodically, I revisit things in my heart about my daughter and drift into "if only"...then I need to regain emotional balance, and I do. People here help so much! I hope you continue to find solace in detachment. Overall, I think it really helps! Hugs

 

[Nomad]

I think it's mostly true that happiness is a choice. Perhaps ENTIRELY. I just lost a friend to cancer, and I tell you the truth, she was happy much of the time. Even when Hospice was called in. I dislike that expression about only being as happy as your least happy child. That is an ugly trap. I can see a tiny (note TINY) bit of validity when they are children, but that is all. Our children grow up and become adults. And as adults, it is their responsibility to seek help for their problems, their addictions, their depression...mental illness...work and home life problems and so forth. We were not meant to continuously, perpetually and forever be at their side to help them get better. For one thing and it's a very important thing, it doesn't work. They absolutely must seek their own betterment. We can't do it for them. Before my own mom died, I recognized that with age brought wisdom and I often sought her opinion about things that were troubling me. Perhaps I took it 60 percent of the time. I appreciated and respected her wisdom that often comes with age (sadly, this type of thing is often not likely with our "special" children) but even with this healthier scenario, I recognized that my mother was not me and didn't likely totally understand my unique set of circumstances and although I appreciated and valued her support... in the end...it was me that would have to move forward and to take accountability for my decisions. Bottom line...we can not be held accountable for the happiness of our children, our adult children in particular. AND it's our responsibility and one might even say obligation , to enjoy life to the best of our ability. Besides, on some level, taking responsibility for and enjoying life...could be an example for our/your children of healthy living.

 

[Copabanana]

I think it's mostly true that happiness is a choice.

and to take accountability for my decisions. Bottom line...we can not be held accountable for the happiness of our children, our adult children in particular

Dear Nomad

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

I agree with you, that happiness is a choice.

I trained my son to turn to me to solve his problems. Why? I couldn't bear his unhappiness and I felt it was my responsibility to fix him. I think this was a role I learned early in life in my family. I was the only one who could take responsibility and I could not survive the separation from them. It may have been true then, but it is not true now.

Now, I am happy most of the time. And sadly, I do not let my son enter my space. I don't explicitly say that, but I don't invite him here and don't suggest that we meet. It just causes me despair. Even on his birthday, I did not suggest we meet. How painful.

I wish with all my heart and soul this was different, but I accepted to continue this way was to give up my life.. I life is too much to pay.

I don't know when this will change. I pray that it will someday. But I won't change. Never again will I pay with my life.

 

[MommaTried24]

I get jerked back into his current drama and have to start my detachment all over. I also get depressed. These are our children, we love them, that fact never changes.

I blamed myself for all of his failings. It doesn't matter if we were not perfect parents. I don't know one! My son used my guilt to his advantage as most of them do, lol.

Learn to detach and accept you have zero power to change them. It's the most difficult lesson I have had to learn!

Tiredof33 you nailed it! This is exactly what happens to me too.

 

[LetGo]

I think it's mostly true that happiness is a choice. Perhaps ENTIRELY. I just lost a friend to cancer, and I tell you the truth, she was happy much of the time. Even when Hospice was called in. I dislike that expression about only being as happy as your least happy child. That is an ugly trap. I can see a tiny (note TINY) bit of validity when they are children, but that is all. Our children grow up and become adults. And as adults, it is their responsibility to seek help for their problems, their addictions, their depression...mental illness...work and home life problems and so forth. We were not meant to continuously, perpetually and forever be at their side to help them get better. For one thing and it's a very important thing, it doesn't work. They absolutely must seek their own betterment. We can't do it for them. Before my own mom died, I recognized that with age brought wisdom and I often sought her opinion about things that were troubling me. Perhaps I took it 60 percent of the time. I appreciated and respected her wisdom that often comes with age (sadly, this type of thing is often not likely with our "special" children) but even with this healthier scenario, I recognized that my mother was not me and didn't likely totally understand my unique set of circumstances and although I appreciated and valued her support... in the end...it was me that would have to move forward and to take accountability for my decisions. Bottom line...we can not be held accountable for the happiness of our children, our adult children in particular. AND it's our responsibility and one might even say obligation , to enjoy life to the best of our ability. Besides, on some level, taking responsibility for and enjoying life...could be an example for our/your children of healthy living.

I think it's mostly true that happiness is a choice. Perhaps ENTIRELY. I just lost a friend to cancer, and I tell you the truth, she was happy much of the time. Even when Hospice was called in. I dislike that expression about only being as happy as your least happy child. That is an ugly trap. I can see a tiny (note TINY) bit of validity when they are children, but that is all. Our children grow up and become adults. And as adults, it is their responsibility to seek help for their problems, their addictions, their depression...mental illness...work and home life problems and so forth. We were not meant to continuously, perpetually and forever be at their side to help them get better. For one thing and it's a very important thing, it doesn't work. They absolutely must seek their own betterment. We can't do it for them. Before my own mom died, I recognized that with age brought wisdom and I often sought her opinion about things that were troubling me. Perhaps I took it 60 percent of the time. I appreciated and respected her wisdom that often comes with age (sadly, this type of thing is often not likely with our "special" children) but even with this healthier scenario, I recognized that my mother was not me and didn't likely totally understand my unique set of circumstances and although I appreciated and valued her support... in the end...it was me that would have to move forward and to take accountability for my decisions. Bottom line...we can not be held accountable for the happiness of our children, our adult children in particular. AND it's our responsibility and one might even say obligation , to enjoy life to the best of our ability. Besides, on some level, taking responsibility for and enjoying life...could be an example for our/your children of healthy living.

 

[LetGo]

I think it's mostly true that happiness is a choice. Perhaps ENTIRELY. I just lost a friend to cancer, and I tell you the truth, she was happy much of the time. Even when Hospice was called in. I dislike that expression about only being as happy as your least happy child. That is an ugly trap. I can see a tiny (note TINY) bit of validity when they are children, but that is all. Our children grow up and become adults. And as adults, it is their responsibility to seek help for their problems, their addictions, their depression...mental illness...work and home life problems and so forth. We were not meant to continuously, perpetually and forever be at their side to help them get better. For one thing and it's a very important thing, it doesn't work. They absolutely must seek their own betterment. We can't do it for them. Before my own mom died, I recognized that with age brought wisdom and I often sought her opinion about things that were troubling me. Perhaps I took it 60 percent of the time. I appreciated and respected her wisdom that often comes with age (sadly, this type of thing is often not likely with our "special" children) but even with this healthier scenario, I recognized that my mother was not me and didn't likely totally understand my unique set of circumstances and although I appreciated and valued her support... in the end...it was me that would have to move forward and to take accountability for my decisions. Bottom line...we can not be held accountable for the happiness of our children, our adult children in particular. AND it's our responsibility and one might even say obligation , to enjoy life to the best of our ability. Besides, on some level, taking responsibility for and enjoying life...could be an example for our/your children of healthy living.

Nomad, I so agree and it has taken me a long time to learn that we are not accountable for our adult children's happiness. But I really am responsible for my own happiness and the joy I experience in life. Thanks, Nomad, for your post. These are the kinds of posts that help me so much!

 

[LetGo]

Dear Nomad

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

I agree with you, that happiness is a choice.

I trained my son to turn to me to solve his problems. Why? I couldn't bear his unhappiness and I felt it was my responsibility to fix him. I think this was a role I learned early in life in my family. I was the only one who could take responsibility and I could not survive the separation from them. It may have been true then, but it is not true now.

Now, I am happy most of the time. And sadly, I do not let my son enter my space. I don't explicitly say that, but I don't invite him here and don't suggest that we meet. It just causes me despair. Even on his birthday, I did not suggest we meet. How painful.

I wish with all my heart and soul this was different, but I accepted to continue this way was to give up my life.. I life is too much to pay.

I don't know when this will change. I pray that it will someday. But I won't change. Never again will I pay with my life.

Copabanana, I also pray that things will change but in my heart, given past history, I know it won't. I am not saying this is true in your situation. I appreciate your saying that "to continue this way was to give up my life." That is so true!!! That's why my daughter was never invited into my most recent home. Then she chose to completely leave the area. She chose. And her life has been downhill ever since. These were her choices. I will never again pay with my life.

 

[LetGo]

Tiredof33 you nailed it! This is exactly what happens to me too.

This happened to me, too, for many years...I'd get jerked back into her circumstances. It's been almost 7 years since I have spoken with her. Have I failed her? No, because for twenty plus years, I tried. Very challenging trying. I was fought tooth and nail. I can't say I didn't give it my all. I did and then some. So, she is an adult. She made and is making choices in her adult life. I now get to live my life and no longer am willing to sacrifice it. Hang in there, MommaTried24.

 

[MommaTried24]

This happened to me, too, for many years...I'd get jerked back into her circumstances. It's been almost 7 years since I have spoken with her. Have I failed her? No, because for twenty plus years, I tried. Very challenging trying. I was fought tooth and nail. I can't say I didn't give it my all. I did and then some. So, she is an adult. She made and is making choices in her adult life. I now get to live my life and no longer am willing to sacrifice it. Hang in there, MommaTried24.

This is the first thing and exactly what I needed to read at this very moment today! Thank you! He's homeless with only the clothes on his back after just getting out of jail, again. I told him go to rehab, again. Feeling it's harsh but it's his choice. He has many programs he could use to change his path. I'm not here to enable and I do not have to accept him as he is. Especially without any accountability and blaming me for where he is. I lashed out with things I probably should not have said but feel pushed way past my limit. I'm just so sick of it. Same thing, broken record, over and over and over again. If you're not going to listen then stop calling me. I cannot take the stress of it any longer. I truly cannot. Told him this is why I went no contact for three years prior to this. It's hard for me to not help too. I want to help him so bad but feels useless. Either way, we both suffer for it. Thank you for your encouragement. I really did need this today LetGo.

 

[LetGo]

This is the first thing and exactly what I needed to read at this very moment today! Thank you! He's homeless with only the clothes on his back after just getting out of jail, again. I told him go to rehab, again. Feeling it's harsh but it's his choice. He has many programs he could use to change his path. I'm not here to enable and I do not have to accept him as he is. Especially without any accountability and blaming me for where he is. I lashed out with things I probably should not have said but feel pushed way past my limit. I'm just so sick of it. Same thing, broken record, over and over and over again. If you're not going to listen then stop calling me. I cannot take the stress of it any longer. I truly cannot. Told him this is why I went no contact for three years prior to this. It's hard for me to not help too. I want to help him so bad but feels useless. Either way, we both suffer for it. Thank you for your encouragement. I really did need this today LetGo.

Hi MommaTried24, I'm glad this helped! This group really does provide the best support. Sometimes this feels like being in limbo with our kids, feels like that to me anyway. Then I have to move on...I think it's really important to take care of myself. Hugs.