JMom
Well-Known Member
I bought my kid a tent today, who does that?!I
I bought my 20 year old addicted son a tent today, who does that? Well, apparently I do. He started smoking pot around 14 and progressed to xantax, then meth. Although I think k hid doctor has always been pot and xanax. He started smoking K2 to pass drug tests around 16 yoa, that's when things went downhill rapidly. The enabling started; paying tickets, wrecked cars, dragging him to school, paying truency fines, lying to family and friends, rehabs, ect..
Fast forward to 20 years old, and 3 rehabs later and here we are. I stopped the enabling at 18 (for the most part) as far as any cash. There was still rehabs being paid for, occasional phones provided and a meal or two here and there. I went to Alanon for a while and sometimes it helped.
Just recently I set him up to live with a family member away from old friends and hopefully a new start. He got a job (he's a good worker and not afraid to work). He did well for about 2 months and my family found weed hidden in the house, so he was out the next day. I realized that my involvement, was again enabling.
It's just bizarre to me. I always told myself this was just a phase and when he decides to change, it will be good that I forced him to finish school, dress up for court, ect..
Here I sit. I delivered him a sleeping bagand tent to his homeless camp a couple of days ago. I knew where it was but had never been inside. He kept urging me to see it. I wasn't scared, I'm a police officer and carry. I reluctantly went. It wasn't at all what I imagined. It was like a small city. Different people had their own campsites within it. They had 3 rules, no stealing or robbing people, no lying and clean up after yourself.
He and another young man slept in a tent. The other young man was a veteran . The tent mate had found him a small matress and put it on my son's side. They had a fire pit and tarps and twine run through trees for their clothing. They had a dog.
While part of my felt better that he wasn't sleeping on the ground and had some shelter from wind and rain, my gut kept saying over and over "what mom walks away?". This one did. I provided ameal, the tent and sleeping bag and left. I went home to my two story home and cried and wrapped presents for my other two children.
I thought surely no one else has had to experience this. Then I found this site. I saw one post that reminded me why I should walk away- if I don't , it interrupts the natural consequences that need to take place for him to grow.
So now I have to constantly redirect my mind from him to myself and the rest of my family. I turned down the street last night to see my in-laws for Christmas and saw him ona corner with his new friend, a dog and a sign that read young and homeless. .that read "young and homeless".
I turned the kids attention to another direction to see Christmas lights. I don't want them to see. I don't want anyone to hurt like I do. I have accepted that this is his choice. I have decided what boundaries I have. They are to contact him occasionally for a hug. They are to drop off a meal if I'm in the area. Nothing more, nothing less. He doesn't ask me for anything and was very grateful for the tent. All he asked was that I give him an update from time to time on his sisters.
Detachment. I am learning a whole new level. It hurts like no other hurt. I am sad. I may have to bury him, or he may figure it out and have one heck of a testimony. Today I pray. I pray for my son and a of you and your hurt. Take a deep breath.
I bought my 20 year old addicted son a tent today, who does that? Well, apparently I do. He started smoking pot around 14 and progressed to xantax, then meth. Although I think k hid doctor has always been pot and xanax. He started smoking K2 to pass drug tests around 16 yoa, that's when things went downhill rapidly. The enabling started; paying tickets, wrecked cars, dragging him to school, paying truency fines, lying to family and friends, rehabs, ect..
Fast forward to 20 years old, and 3 rehabs later and here we are. I stopped the enabling at 18 (for the most part) as far as any cash. There was still rehabs being paid for, occasional phones provided and a meal or two here and there. I went to Alanon for a while and sometimes it helped.
Just recently I set him up to live with a family member away from old friends and hopefully a new start. He got a job (he's a good worker and not afraid to work). He did well for about 2 months and my family found weed hidden in the house, so he was out the next day. I realized that my involvement, was again enabling.
It's just bizarre to me. I always told myself this was just a phase and when he decides to change, it will be good that I forced him to finish school, dress up for court, ect..
Here I sit. I delivered him a sleeping bagand tent to his homeless camp a couple of days ago. I knew where it was but had never been inside. He kept urging me to see it. I wasn't scared, I'm a police officer and carry. I reluctantly went. It wasn't at all what I imagined. It was like a small city. Different people had their own campsites within it. They had 3 rules, no stealing or robbing people, no lying and clean up after yourself.
He and another young man slept in a tent. The other young man was a veteran . The tent mate had found him a small matress and put it on my son's side. They had a fire pit and tarps and twine run through trees for their clothing. They had a dog.
While part of my felt better that he wasn't sleeping on the ground and had some shelter from wind and rain, my gut kept saying over and over "what mom walks away?". This one did. I provided ameal, the tent and sleeping bag and left. I went home to my two story home and cried and wrapped presents for my other two children.
I thought surely no one else has had to experience this. Then I found this site. I saw one post that reminded me why I should walk away- if I don't , it interrupts the natural consequences that need to take place for him to grow.
So now I have to constantly redirect my mind from him to myself and the rest of my family. I turned down the street last night to see my in-laws for Christmas and saw him ona corner with his new friend, a dog and a sign that read young and homeless. .that read "young and homeless".
I turned the kids attention to another direction to see Christmas lights. I don't want them to see. I don't want anyone to hurt like I do. I have accepted that this is his choice. I have decided what boundaries I have. They are to contact him occasionally for a hug. They are to drop off a meal if I'm in the area. Nothing more, nothing less. He doesn't ask me for anything and was very grateful for the tent. All he asked was that I give him an update from time to time on his sisters.
Detachment. I am learning a whole new level. It hurts like no other hurt. I am sad. I may have to bury him, or he may figure it out and have one heck of a testimony. Today I pray. I pray for my son and a of you and your hurt. Take a deep breath.
