I Need my friends and input
- Thread starter DammitJanet
- Start date
Janet...
Just me being me, here... coming from 100+ years of first marriage in parents and inlaws, and 20+ myself...
It doesn't take long to tear a relationship apart.
You can always do that later.
But you've given yourself some hints in your own postings...
Tony has too much on his plate.
So do you.
Between health, work, finances, the house, each other...
You're not 30 any more. Nor is he.
Fear is a horrid thing. Fear of losing your health, or your job, or your spouse...
It turns us into somebody we really aren't.
It is SO hard on relationships.
And yet... we human beings are so prone to... fear.
In the midst of this forrest of issues and challenges... there are little bright spots.
You need to find them. Tony needs to find them, too.
Like the care you give to his aching muscles.
You need to find those, and grow them.
Its more important to find the positives, than to deal with the negatives.
And then... when you do go to deal with the negatives, pick on the easiest ones first - rather than the really hot-button items. The point is to accomplish "something", rather than adding gas to the fire of problems.
Talk about sleep. Do whatever you both need to do, to get better sleep. I know lots of couples who sleep apart, and still manage to have everything else too. The point is, you both need your heads clear, because life isn't easy and it likely isn't going to get easier.... that's true for most of us at this age in life. Don't worry about getting help for all his - or all your - health issues. Pick on the things that affect sleep. Because... the payoffs are immediate.
Do little things to make him smile. You'll have to start it... fellows usually don't. But... even if they don't reciprocate directly, the impact is worth the effort. Tuck a note into his lunch pail. A sticky on the mirror when he gets up. A note hidden in some compartment in the vehicle that he goes into periodically... but might not find the day you put it there.
Feed what remains of the relationship, and see where it goes.
Try and get help for yourself - and try and help him to get help for himself.
Then if none of it works... you haven't lost anything by trying.
{{hugs}}
Just me being me, here... coming from 100+ years of first marriage in parents and inlaws, and 20+ myself...
It doesn't take long to tear a relationship apart.
You can always do that later.
But you've given yourself some hints in your own postings...
Tony has too much on his plate.
So do you.
Between health, work, finances, the house, each other...
You're not 30 any more. Nor is he.
Fear is a horrid thing. Fear of losing your health, or your job, or your spouse...
It turns us into somebody we really aren't.
It is SO hard on relationships.
And yet... we human beings are so prone to... fear.
In the midst of this forrest of issues and challenges... there are little bright spots.
You need to find them. Tony needs to find them, too.
Like the care you give to his aching muscles.
You need to find those, and grow them.
Its more important to find the positives, than to deal with the negatives.
And then... when you do go to deal with the negatives, pick on the easiest ones first - rather than the really hot-button items. The point is to accomplish "something", rather than adding gas to the fire of problems.
Talk about sleep. Do whatever you both need to do, to get better sleep. I know lots of couples who sleep apart, and still manage to have everything else too. The point is, you both need your heads clear, because life isn't easy and it likely isn't going to get easier.... that's true for most of us at this age in life. Don't worry about getting help for all his - or all your - health issues. Pick on the things that affect sleep. Because... the payoffs are immediate.
Do little things to make him smile. You'll have to start it... fellows usually don't. But... even if they don't reciprocate directly, the impact is worth the effort. Tuck a note into his lunch pail. A sticky on the mirror when he gets up. A note hidden in some compartment in the vehicle that he goes into periodically... but might not find the day you put it there.
Feed what remains of the relationship, and see where it goes.
Try and get help for yourself - and try and help him to get help for himself.
Then if none of it works... you haven't lost anything by trying.
{{hugs}}
pepperidge
New Member
Janet
I remember you posting a while back about your relationshiop--seemed like you were in a better place. I dont have any advice, just maybe not to make any rash decisions.
My 93 year old mom has restless legs, but has been really helped by a medication. Lack of sleep can really make one a bear.
Hope things improve in awhile,
Sorry I do think all relationships have these difficult patches, some are worth working through, others get to be constant. Hugs.
I remember you posting a while back about your relationshiop--seemed like you were in a better place. I dont have any advice, just maybe not to make any rash decisions.
My 93 year old mom has restless legs, but has been really helped by a medication. Lack of sleep can really make one a bear.
Hope things improve in awhile,
Sorry I do think all relationships have these difficult patches, some are worth working through, others get to be constant. Hugs.
DDD
Well-Known Member
Regarding Cory I can think of a number of reasons he would feel that way. Mainly I think he could be jealous of your relationship with Cory.....I see that a bit from husband. There's also resentment that he is still a major focus in our lives and we travel the emotional ups and downs instead of just living our life. The grumpier husband's get the more apt Moms are to enjoy the company of their often funny and upbeat difficult child's. I know it sounds weird, lol, but I think there is some male competition...as well as a disappointment that the son has not reached the level of success anticipated. DDD
rejectedmom
New Member
Aw Janet. I am so sorry you are unhappy and hurting. It does indeed sound like Tony is struggling. It could be TIA's, fear of retirement, blood sugar, PSTD or any number of things. But sleep wil improve the way both of you feel. 7 hours is the minimum amount recommended and I'm guessing neither one of you get more than 4 hours a night and it probably isn't quality sleep. Changing that could be the one thing that makes both of you strong enough to once again cope with what life has dealt you. At the very least it s a good first step. There are sleep disorder support groups online. Talkabousleep.com is one of them but there are many others. Estabilishing a good bedtime routine and set hours for sleep is the first thing to do. Good sleep higene is imperative for a restful night. Tony's RLS is problematic but there is medication that can help with this. I am hoping that you and he will be able to address this problem you are having if you are better rested. (((HUGS))) -RM
trinityroyal
Well-Known Member
Awww Janet, I'm so sorry.
Others have already given so much good advice. I will just offer hugs and support.
Trinity
Others have already given so much good advice. I will just offer hugs and support.
Trinity
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Tony knows when he has messed up. He came home last night in a nice mood with cookies and my favorite eclairs...lol.
I wish I could get him in for a sleep study. I wrote to Duke but they wont see him without his primary doctor referring him and he has no primary. The only reason he was seen in the hospital for his stroke was it happened on the job and they took him by ambulance to a hospital in Raleigh. They didnt even admit him. He stayed in what they call the 72 hour ER unit. It happened on a Monday and they released him that Tuesday afternoon. Surprised me. Told him to check in with family doctor. Ha. No family doctor. He stayed out of work one week.
But as far as therapy, I went for about 5 years and he came to maybe 5 appointments with me. He knows my old therapist well because he did some work for her in her house. He always made some comments in the appointments that just let her know how he truly felt ....like he thought I took too many medications and could do more around the house if I really tried. He is one of those who cant keep his true feelings to himself...lol. He claims it is because he is worried about me but I know better. Its because he thinks I am faking things. He just doesnt realize how badly I wish I could do more. Its damned embarrassing to be reliant on other people.
I wish I could get him in for a sleep study. I wrote to Duke but they wont see him without his primary doctor referring him and he has no primary. The only reason he was seen in the hospital for his stroke was it happened on the job and they took him by ambulance to a hospital in Raleigh. They didnt even admit him. He stayed in what they call the 72 hour ER unit. It happened on a Monday and they released him that Tuesday afternoon. Surprised me. Told him to check in with family doctor. Ha. No family doctor. He stayed out of work one week.
But as far as therapy, I went for about 5 years and he came to maybe 5 appointments with me. He knows my old therapist well because he did some work for her in her house. He always made some comments in the appointments that just let her know how he truly felt ....like he thought I took too many medications and could do more around the house if I really tried. He is one of those who cant keep his true feelings to himself...lol. He claims it is because he is worried about me but I know better. Its because he thinks I am faking things. He just doesnt realize how badly I wish I could do more. Its damned embarrassing to be reliant on other people.
Janet -
There's a ray of hope in your last post!
Tony still wants a relationship, still wants things to work.
There's a lot of dead ends in your lives right now - a lot of things where there are no easy answers.
But... you CAN still work on the sleep issue.
Not at a sleep clinic - which might still be a medium-term need.
But in terms of some basics. Do the parts you CAN do. Get whatever benefit you can up front...
For example - maybe its time for two beds. Same room, even side by side. But different mattress each... so when one rolls over the other doesn't feel like a ship at sea. (My parents had to do that with Mom's illness - Dad was getting sea-sick at night!) They put two singles side-by-side, fitted single sheets on the bottom, but king sheet and quilts on top. Because the mattresses are separate, it works to have more or less bedding on one side... if one person is hot and the other cold.
Two beds also makes it possible for one to sleep with the top of the mattress raised up... From the sounds of it, Tony might benefit from trying that.
Check your pillows... might need new ones for xmas?
There's good web info out there on creating ideal sleeping conditions... do what you can. Even if you only get an extra hour each per night... it will make a difference in your lives. It also provides a good basis for seeking further help, because you've already done the obvious.
There's a ray of hope in your last post!
Tony still wants a relationship, still wants things to work.
There's a lot of dead ends in your lives right now - a lot of things where there are no easy answers.
But... you CAN still work on the sleep issue.
Not at a sleep clinic - which might still be a medium-term need.
But in terms of some basics. Do the parts you CAN do. Get whatever benefit you can up front...
For example - maybe its time for two beds. Same room, even side by side. But different mattress each... so when one rolls over the other doesn't feel like a ship at sea. (My parents had to do that with Mom's illness - Dad was getting sea-sick at night!) They put two singles side-by-side, fitted single sheets on the bottom, but king sheet and quilts on top. Because the mattresses are separate, it works to have more or less bedding on one side... if one person is hot and the other cold.
Two beds also makes it possible for one to sleep with the top of the mattress raised up... From the sounds of it, Tony might benefit from trying that.
Check your pillows... might need new ones for xmas?
There's good web info out there on creating ideal sleeping conditions... do what you can. Even if you only get an extra hour each per night... it will make a difference in your lives. It also provides a good basis for seeking further help, because you've already done the obvious.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Yeah I should have done that when I bought my new bed last march. I spent 1500 on a new king sized bed that already is so worn out neither one of us can sleep on it worth a damn. Its a pos. I specifically asked them if the sides would wear out because I am disabled and have to be in bed so much and they swore it was so good...blah.
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
Janet a couple of weeks prior to husband's heart attack I told him we were using part of the retirement money for twin beds. He was NOT happy about it either. But I put my foot down. Like I said with all his flip flopping and leg shifting and getting up and down all night running to the bathroom.......well neither of us were sleeping worth a hoot. And he needed something fairly firm and thick due to the weight, while I can't do very firm or I'm not going to drift off to sleep. We did decide to keep them in the same room though, like his parents did. And you betcha I used that his parents had to break down and finally do it for the same reason, too. (it's what wore him down)
The bed we shared had been his great aunts, the mattress and box springs had been hers too. She'd had them at least 25 yrs. We had them at least 25 yrs. I could always easily sleep on it alone.......although he still had trouble if he was alone in the bed. It didn't give him near enough support.
If you can save up for twin beds it's worth a shot at a better night's sleep for both of you.
But I will tell you, husband never really got the chronic illness thing either. He tried.......but he just didn't. I guess it's pretty hard to grasp if you're not the one living it.
Hugs
The bed we shared had been his great aunts, the mattress and box springs had been hers too. She'd had them at least 25 yrs. We had them at least 25 yrs. I could always easily sleep on it alone.......although he still had trouble if he was alone in the bed. It didn't give him near enough support.
If you can save up for twin beds it's worth a shot at a better night's sleep for both of you.
But I will tell you, husband never really got the chronic illness thing either. He tried.......but he just didn't. I guess it's pretty hard to grasp if you're not the one living it.
Hugs
Doesn't your mattress come with a guarantee or warranty?
ONE YEAR is way too short for even a CHEAP mattress.
Here, mattresses are backed by manufacturer for from 5 to 10 years.
Declining balance payout - if mattress is 9 years old, you only get 1 year's worth of value back.
So the long-term isn't worth much.
But under one year?
I'd be raising a stink with the place I bought it... and/or the manufacturer.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
I should have made a stink about 2 months in, thats when it started going bad. I did call them then. I called them about a month ago too but they have to send someone out to view the damn thing. Which means I have to clean my bedroom too.
I didnt buy the thing local either. I bought if from Rooms to Go and the closest store is in Myrtle Beach SC. I had to pay an 80 delivery fee and they were supposed to set it up for me. They couldnt get it down my dirt road so Billy drove my little pick up truck up to the end of my driveway and picked them up. Idjits. They sent a semi truck and the only things on the truck were my mattresses. Billy actually asked them if they had delivered a bunch of stuff that day and they said no. Again idjits. My stuff was the only stuff they sent out that day but all the other trucks were busy.
I deliberately asked the salesmen if he had experience selling beds to overweight people and if he didnt I needed to talk to someone who did because I wanted to buy a bed that was going to be the bed that would last me as a disabled person pretty much long term. I told them that I had had a queen sized bed that broke down on the sides and I couldnt have the same thing happen again. Not for what I was paying for it. What did I get? The exact same thing! I could have bought 2 twin beds and replaced them every other year for 8 years for the price I paid! Tony thinks we should have got the sleep number bed but I have heard bad things about that for heavy people too. I mean right now Im sitting with one foot on the floor and my butt on the edge of the bed. Thats how I break the bed but I have to stay in bed so much but I also cant just lay flat all the time.
I didnt buy the thing local either. I bought if from Rooms to Go and the closest store is in Myrtle Beach SC. I had to pay an 80 delivery fee and they were supposed to set it up for me. They couldnt get it down my dirt road so Billy drove my little pick up truck up to the end of my driveway and picked them up. Idjits. They sent a semi truck and the only things on the truck were my mattresses. Billy actually asked them if they had delivered a bunch of stuff that day and they said no. Again idjits. My stuff was the only stuff they sent out that day but all the other trucks were busy.
I deliberately asked the salesmen if he had experience selling beds to overweight people and if he didnt I needed to talk to someone who did because I wanted to buy a bed that was going to be the bed that would last me as a disabled person pretty much long term. I told them that I had had a queen sized bed that broke down on the sides and I couldnt have the same thing happen again. Not for what I was paying for it. What did I get? The exact same thing! I could have bought 2 twin beds and replaced them every other year for 8 years for the price I paid! Tony thinks we should have got the sleep number bed but I have heard bad things about that for heavy people too. I mean right now Im sitting with one foot on the floor and my butt on the edge of the bed. Thats how I break the bed but I have to stay in bed so much but I also cant just lay flat all the time.
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
Janet...........
If you can swing the twin beds...........How about a hospital type bed for you? With your disabilities I betcha won't have an issue with at least one doctor saying it's necessary. And honestly, it probably is. I know the mattresses aren't the most comfortable things in the world but you can pick up the thick foam pads (I just had a brain fart and can't think of what they're called, that space age stuff) and put them on to help them in the comfort dept. Then you could sit up in just about any position you want and have support. If a doctor says it's necessary, medicare/medicaid will foot the bill for rental. Not sure about buying it because my grandma just rented hers and so did my aunt.
One of the reasons I still have husband's great aunts mattress and box springs is I loath dealing with mattress salesmen. I'm also not to fond of how the new ones are made either. Far too big and puffy for me. I don't want smothered, I want to go to sleep. I'm short too and don't want to feel like a 3 yr old climbing into a "big girl bed". ugh
And actually although it's more than 50 yrs old what I have is fine, for me. When his great aunt bought something it was always top of the line.......and this was way back when quality meant something still.
If you can swing the twin beds...........How about a hospital type bed for you? With your disabilities I betcha won't have an issue with at least one doctor saying it's necessary. And honestly, it probably is. I know the mattresses aren't the most comfortable things in the world but you can pick up the thick foam pads (I just had a brain fart and can't think of what they're called, that space age stuff) and put them on to help them in the comfort dept. Then you could sit up in just about any position you want and have support. If a doctor says it's necessary, medicare/medicaid will foot the bill for rental. Not sure about buying it because my grandma just rented hers and so did my aunt.
One of the reasons I still have husband's great aunts mattress and box springs is I loath dealing with mattress salesmen. I'm also not to fond of how the new ones are made either. Far too big and puffy for me. I don't want smothered, I want to go to sleep. I'm short too and don't want to feel like a 3 yr old climbing into a "big girl bed". ugh
And actually although it's more than 50 yrs old what I have is fine, for me. When his great aunt bought something it was always top of the line.......and this was way back when quality meant something still.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Well I thought 1500 was a huge amount of money to spend on a mattress. To me it was.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
I have to agree with that Janet. About 3 years ago the parents all got together and got husband and I a new mattress with a pillowtop and box spring set. NICE. Cost $800 for the whole thing including delivery, setup and removal of the old ones. Original Mattress Factory I think. It's doing just fine. It's AWFUL to turn over LOL, 'cause it weighs a ton, but it sleeps well.
Sleep number beds... My parents have one of these. They adore it. For the overweight issue, I'd do more research first.
Memory foam - forget it. BFF has one, she and her hubby are both large people, and it's about had it - after 3 years. Now 3 years is better than yours, but it's supposed to last MUCH longer than that!
Sleep number beds... My parents have one of these. They adore it. For the overweight issue, I'd do more research first.
Memory foam - forget it. BFF has one, she and her hubby are both large people, and it's about had it - after 3 years. Now 3 years is better than yours, but it's supposed to last MUCH longer than that!
