Interesting Emotional Response

[recoveringenabler]

Cedar, I am glad to hear your progress. You sound good.

I had a thought while reading your post and I would appreciate your input since it feels as if we are traveling a similar path through this jungle.

When you mentioned that you are "coming away with such compassion for difficult child" I am wondering if you believe that is due to more compassion for yourself arising? I ask that because I had been thinking about this the other day as I was recounting the time period where my SO helped to open my eyes to many of the truths of my difficult child. In retrospect I can see that as a huge opening, the truth of not only my difficult child, but my whole family history and the remarkable impact that had on my life became real in a way it just hadn't before.

That element of truth began the process of my evolution through the detachment process. It also opened the door for me to feel great compassion for the long path I had been on which was colored so dramatically by the history with all the mental illness. I gained a different perspective and that new perspective included a profound understanding of the depth of the hurts I had sustained. As a result of that understanding, compassion for myself grew. Out of that compassion for myself, compassion for my daughter grew as well. Judgments about her have subsided and a different acceptance arose. I also judged myself less harshly and let go of various forms of perfectionist tendencies.

It is as if the collapse of the enabling and dysfunctional connection with my daughter also collapsed my own dysfunctional self image which had been created within a dysfunctional early family experience where I had no control because I was a child.

Not unlike the Phoenix, born out of the ashes of the old. It's an interesting time in our lives. Letting go in some measure of the responsibilities of our children has opened the door to a new horizon where different possibilities exist which couldn't have been identified before. Do you feel that?

The birthing of this new Self, like any birth, is wrought with it's own unusual emotions, compassion for oneself is allowing me to see new truths about myself and about my daughter and about life in general. I would be interested in hearing how that is for you.

I really like this statement you made in your earlier post. "We learn to sit with the discomfort of not knowing. And in that vulnerability, a whole different world, filled with light and color and motion comes to be." It is so true.

 

[scent of cedar]

Nomad, you are so sweet. Thank you, very much. Granddaughter and I did explore online. The reluctance to do it that way had to do with sizing, and with how the color of the dress would look, against her skin. We would have had to have it shipped express to get it there in time, and there would have been no way for us to return and reorder if the dress looked awful on her. What we did learn though, is that, when we found one we thought she liked online, we could call that store in a city close enough for me to drive to, to learn whether they had it in her size. And then, I could go there, and buy it. That was pretty cool. So that was Friday night and early Saturday morning. Then, on Saturday afternoon, an aunt decided to drive her two hours into a city near them, with a mall. So, we figured out that if I got a charge card at that same store near me, and waited for granddaughter to call me from her branch of that store, they could charge granddaughter's dress to me, because I would be at one of the branches with valid I.D.

So, that looked pretty good, right?

Wait for it....

Those plans fell through, because the poor aunt broke up with her boyfriend and went into a mini-depression!

No shopping, that day.

Which is how, having lost a day of mailing time, I wound up dashing off to that city near us and finding the Jessica McClintock.

Which granddaughter hated (so she told me, later) and which was like, a size zero, not a 4, at all.

Which is how I wound up shopping again, the next day, and finding the beautiful red dress.

:O)

And boy, it was stunning.

And here is the outcome. (And, while it seems to have been an exercise in frustration? I have been able to accomplish as much as months in therapy would have, because I was able to look at that anxiety response and realize it was not appropriate to this, or maybe, to any other, situation.)

It was win/win, as those rich corporate executives like to say.

:O)

So...the dress was too big.

And the aunt wound up taking granddaughter on the four-hour-one-way shopping expedition on Thursday, exchanged the dress I bought for another in the same store. Granddaughter got to her Homecoming dance and was, in her own words..."totally hot, Grandma!"

So, there you have the saga of the Homecoming dress, and of one traumatized grandmother's psychological break through.

:O)

Cedar

 

[scent of cedar]

When you mentioned that you are "coming away with such compassion for difficult child" I am wondering if you believe that is due to more compassion for yourself arising?

******

I don't know how to do the posts where you can quote a piece and answer and then, quote another piece. I will do it, this way. The things between the *** are my responses to Recovering.

I think yes, more compassion for myself, as the shame and disgust everything was sealed in melts away. Also, Recovering...there have been flashes of anger at things I never even let myself see. My anger, I mean. When I see them now, when I remember difficult child's face and get good and ready to be totally mad at her...I also see the fear there, the pain and confusion, that kind of wild, desperate rage as she tries to make sense of things that have no meaning or purpose we can understand.

And my heart goes out to her.

And I am so sorry this is happening to her.

And it has so little to do with me, or with all the things we want our daughters to be.

It feels like one human holding strong for another human in senseless, confusing, unremitting pain.

It's like I'm not even in there anymore, Recovering.

Just that automatic human response to someone in pain.

I don't even feel like I can fix it, or help her feel better in any way. Like Elie Wiesel said in whatever book it was ~ I can't think of the quote right now, either! Nonetheless, it was something about the sacred horror of the thing being cheapened, made less than it is, by putting it into words.

I just feel an unforced loyalty toward my daughter. I think letting go of a lot of the judgment my mother leveled when we first realized we needed outside help with difficult child ~ you are right, Recovering. Enabled me to feel compassion for my own pain and puzzlement, and released a flood of true grief for both my daughter and myself. For everything we hoped and believed, that was lost.

I don't mean to be maudlin. I feel alright. Grateful beyond words, maybe. All still pretty new. Energy rushing around ~ I definitely feel that.

************************

the truth of not only my difficult child, but my whole family history and the remarkable impact that had on my life became real in a way it just hadn't before.

*********

Yes, Recovering. I agree.

***********************

I gained a different perspective and that new perspective included a profound understanding of the depth of the hurts I had sustained. As a result of that understanding, compassion for myself grew. Out of that compassion for myself, compassion for my daughter grew as well. Judgments about her have subsided and a different acceptance arose. I also judged myself less harshly and let go of various forms of perfectionist tendencies.

It is as if the collapse of the enabling and dysfunctional connection with my daughter also collapsed my own dysfunctional self image which had been created within a dysfunctional early family experience where I had no control because I was a child.

***************

I empathize with these thoughts and feelings too, Recovering. I like that turn of phrase very much: "enabling and dysfunctional." difficult child daughter always tells me I am passive-aggressive. That I try so hard to do the right things, but that the hidden aggression sneaks out. Here is something beautiful:

"Perhaps, grandmother...the phoenix cries, as it burns."

Charles Williams
Descent Into Hell

Charles Williams is my favorite writer. He was a contemporary of, and was friends with, Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. Amazing books about things that matter. Other books:

The Greater Trumps
All Hallow's Eve

***********************

It's an interesting time in our lives. Letting go in some measure of the responsibilities of our children has opened the door to a new horizon where different possibilities exist which couldn't have been identified before. Do you feel that?


**********

I absolutely do feel that, Recovering. Whether it means I will actually finally accomplish something and become wealthy and famous at last, or whether it only means I will truly experience living my own life for the first time...that part, I don't know.

But I am so excited to go about my days now, and note the differences. I would think there will be a huge decrease in fear, in guardedness.

:O)

******************

The birthing of this new Self, like any birth, is wrought with it's own unusual emotions, compassion for oneself is allowing me to see new truths about myself and about my daughter and about life in general. I would be interested in hearing how that is for you.

Hmmm. I hope so. I will post about it, as the process continues, for me.

It has to do with forgiveness, too.

And it has to do with self-worth.

I think I feel a noticeable difference in those two areas.

Or maybe that is just a reduction in fear and guardedness? A kind of no need to protect what could never be protected ~ and never required protection, because it is what it is?

Ha!

I'm confusing myself, again.

Cedar

I would say that is absolutely true. Though I hadn't put it together until now, I have been thinking/reviewing/remaining puzzled by instead of "understanding" incidents in my family of origin lately, too. Usually, I try to fit everything into compassion-for-woundedness category. I am having to sit with my own discomfort regarding these memories, instead. Not traumatic things, just on-going weirdnesses in family of origin interactions.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Terrific responses Cedar, I am right there with you. You know what? I think so much of the dissolving of the false persona we are experiencing allows the authentic persona to come forth which had been so hidden underneath the plastic facade of what had been designed originally to be "normal" .......as at least I perceived normal to be as a young person.

I find that I am angry too. But, it seems an appropriate anger, some old stuff, but some new angers which are at someone crossing a line or being disrespectful or ignorant of another's feelings. I find my truth flying out of my mouth now without any editing. It surprises me at times but honestly, that nice guy facade is pretty much gone.......... replaced by this person who just calls a spade a spade. It makes me feel "glee." I like it a lot! It's extremely freeing.

The other part, which I see more readily at work is I can acknowledge my successes, my value, my gifts, in ways I couldn't before. That authenticity invokes the truth............the truth of who I am, the good, the bad and the ugly. I had gotten a good take on the bad and the ugly, it was the good I had trouble with! As you have mentioned, when you live as a child with only negatives and no one mirrors your beauty, your value, your awesome self, it's very hard to see it for yourself. I am developing a much more balanced self perception based in truth now.

You are so right, forgiveness and our own self worth are a big part of all of this. Self forgiveness. Giving ourselves a break from the unrelenting self expectations. Yikes. Letting go of that is a Godsend. Self worth can do nothing but increase and develop as the shackles of perfectionism are broken.

Has it occurred to you that our daughters have helped to free us? My difficult child, knowing my crazy history, once remarked that all of the misery in her life would be worth it if I were freed from my past. Interesting huh?

Thank you for that wonderful quote. Yes, I agree, the Phoenix cries as it burns. Geez, I've had many a day of feeling very, very odd with all kinds of 'stuff' coming up............I don't think I could have endured all of this as a younger person............perhaps we need to get to a certain stability within ourselves that allows such a collapse of our persona to occur............I don't know............but as the Phoenix burns, there are many, many tears..............however, this time, the tears have washed away the ashes and are leading somewhere very different and I do believe, whether we are"wealthy and famous" or not, "experiencing our own lives" feels like the greatest gift of all. .................Wow............. Cedar.......we're overnight successes 60 some odd years in the making!!!!! (that made me laugh out loud)

 

[scent of cedar]

I think so much of the dissolving of the false persona we are experiencing allows the authentic persona to come forth

I find my truth flying out of my mouth now without any editing.

That authenticity invokes the truth............the truth of who I am,

You are so right, forgiveness and our own self worth are a big part of all of this.

Self forgiveness.

Self worth can do nothing but increase and develop as the shackles of perfectionism are broken.

Has it occurred to you that our daughters have helped to free us? My difficult child, knowing my crazy history, once remarked that all of the misery in her life would be worth it if I were freed from my past. Interesting huh?

perhaps we need to get to a certain stability within ourselves that allows such a collapse of our persona to occur............

"experiencing our own lives" feels like the greatest gift of all

we're overnight successes 60 some odd years in the making!!!!! (that made me laugh out loud)

I don't know that I would say a false persona, Recovering. I think those functioning beneath a false persona come across as wrapped in cotton, kind of. They don't seem to experience empathy. They very much see only themselves, functioning in a world they don't really see. As this process continues for me, I may be able to look back and see those characteristics in myself. For right now though, I think that for both you and me, our interactions in the world have been very much things of clear and conscious choice. I see good things and bad things pretty sharply. I think you do, too. The difference, for you and me, seems to have been a sincere belief that, given the chance, given the outspoken support of someone who believes in us, anyone can change, can make a different choice, can see a better way to be INSIDE, where it matters.

I think we have both tried to live our lives from that belief system. That is very different than being "too nice."

I think we have made that choice because we have both experienced, too many times, the destructive power of negative words spoken in anger.

I think we both may have learned to be afraid of our anger because of these experiences. And yet, appropriate anger is a legitimate and healthy thing.
And that may be what we are taking a look at, now. Freeing ourselves from a kind of self-imposed bondage come of having been raised by people who were, and who remained, all their lives, way out there, on the sanity/rage spectrum. I think part of what we may both be learning now is that it was not anger, but rage that we were afraid of. There are people who find legitimacy in rage. And those were the kinds of people who taught us about anger. Here is a secret: Given that we were sane, even as little girls, we chose against rage. But we were little girls and so, we didn't know the difference between anger and rage. What we taught ourselves was that anger automatically flares into rage, because that is what we saw. That is what we are relearning, now.

Anger tells us we need clarification.

Anger is like, "What do you mean?" (Asking for clarification.) Rage is like, "Who do you think you are!" Rage is a kind of insanity. Anger is a legitimate indication that clarification is required.

I wholeheartedly agree that, whatever it is that is happening now, I feel...I don't know. That my perceptions are valid, that I can trust them and myself, that I am not automatically going to assume the other guy's interpretation is valid. I am surprised at the anger I've been carrying, surprised at the immediacy of it. In so many instances, it is right not to give in to anger. But there are times when it is appropriate. Those are the times when, looking back, I still feel that immediacy of anger. I realize now that all I ever had to do to confront the issue was to ask for clarification. Not fly into a rage. Not be treated to the other guy's scary, I'm-out-of-control-and-you-better-look-out rage.

So simple.

I have been afraid of my own anger, have been afraid of expressing, of even hinting, that I might be angry, because I thought anger and rage were synonymous.

I think that is the difference between someone living through a false persona, and someone, like you and like me, who sees the situation with sometimes excruciating clarity.

****************

I agree that our daughters have been instrumental in re-traumatizing us to the point of looking at these things, now. I think we may have reached these conclusions long since, may never have had to revisit any of this at all, had these things not happened, with our daughters. The only real meaning I have been able to take from everything that has happened is that, after all, I love her.

Boy, do I.


On the overnight success after 60 years, Recovering...our lives have been creations of our own making. We have been functioning, choosing, growing, courageous women, working and celebrating our lives mostly at a disadvantage of one kind or another, all of our lives. There is, as you know, a genetic component to mental illness. We have been creating our lives against that backdrop, Recovering. And yet, in both of us, there is a depth of compassion, a generosity of spirit, an almost innocent celebration in the glory of whatever we had left. We haven't been wrong, Recovering. We have lived by our choices. We are choosing again, right now, just as we always have, to grow, and to be as strong and as conflict-free as we are able to perceive it is possible to be.

:O)

Cedar

 

[witzend]

OK, so I had this woman tell me over and over and over and over last night that all of her troubles are bubbles and she pops them. OK. Got the metaphor the first time. And the second time. And each and every time. Eventually it sounded so smug and supreme I wanted to smack her upside the head and tell her "You missed one, but I got it for you. No worries."

She also carries special polished stones around in her pockets and showed them to us one time as though we should understand the significance. I ain't even asking. If she had picked it up on the streets people would say "she's nuts. She'll throw it away eventually". But she pays $20 - $40 on the internet at special healing stone stores, so I just have to say "She's nuts. She's never throwing that away."

 

[scent of cedar]

Well, if that works for her, she must not have any serious troubles, then. I think the kinds of troubles we deal with here are so hard because there are traps in all the answers. The problems aren't going to go away because we've changed our imagery about how the problem leaves us feeling. On the other hand, if it works for her, then I say "good." Anything that helps us to be healthier and happier, I will try. If she believes in the stones, then they will work, for her. If nothing else, she will feel stronger and wiser as she deals with whatever the problem is.

The bubble thing?

I don't know about that. Wouldn't that just splatter the trouble around?

Ew.

:O)

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

In using the term, "false persona" I am really describing a personality which has grown into adulthood with an inauthentic component which is not healthy. I understand your points, however, for me, being "nice" was a survival tactic to keep myself safe since the sheer unpredictability of my environment always kept me on my toes. I was terrorized into abandoning big chunks of myself. Inauthentic in terms of not saying my truth, not risking another's displeasure thereby allowing bad behavior. I believe those of us abused as children are bigger targets to our own abusive children then someone who grew up in a relatively safe and healthy environment. My parents abused us in psychological, manipulative, often cruel ways, much like my daughter has treated others.

It was described to me many years ago that we each have an "ouch line" and those of us who are abused, lose sight of that line and others can easily cross it. Appropriate anger happens when someone crosses that line. Except if you were abused, then you have no line and you don't know it's okay to be angry, all of that gets blurred.

Like you I pretty much always knew right from wrong and I did have much empathy, however, when one's own parents mess with your sense of right and wrong and insist that their version is correct, it can take a whole lot of years to figure out that they were wrong and you are safe enough now to emerge with an ouch line and appropriate anger.

I did believe I had the power to impact another's life by my sheer will. That in itself is not born out of a healthy place......... in a dysfunctional family, often the oldest (me) is given remarkable standards to live up to and other kids lives to be responsible for, "instrumental parentification" is the clinical term......responsibilities that should rest on the parents shoulders are given to a child. That kind of weight does it's own damage.

I agree about not understanding the difference between anger and rage, it's very scary to live in that as a little kid. For me there is more to that story, it has to do with power. I have realized that in holding back my anger, in not responding in an appropriately angry way, setting appropriate boundaries around bad behavior, that I also held back my power. I did not know how to find my own power when the only power demonstrated to me was power OVER OTHERS. It took awhile for me to see that my power was about empowering myself and others and once I was clear on appropriate anger, ( I still work on that too!) the power issue began clearing up too.

Not feeling empowered, not knowing your own power keeps you stuck in places you might have removed yourself from if you knew your own power. I stayed in all kinds of relationships and friendships because I was essentially mute when it came to expressing my anger, my power and my real self authentic self.

I never lacked compassion and empathy for others, it was myself I didn't have that same respect for. Some people act that out externally, like my parents and my daughter..........they act out their internal powerlessness on others to make themselves feel bigger and better. Some of us do that to ourselves, I (mostly) hurt myself.

For me anger is anger, if we get angry and know in our hearts that we can trust ourselves to act accordingly, then there is no reason not to simply tell someone their behavior is inappropriate and you are angry. It is okay. Asking for clarification is one way to be clear about it, t is okay to be angry, to be angry without losing control. The loss of control is what is not appropriate.

So, for me, a false persona did exist.........if I am not being truthful, if I can't be angry, if I am afraid of expressing how I really feel, if I am afraid of my power, if I cannot set appropriate healthy boundaries around bad behavior, if I allow others to dictate my reality............then I am not operating from an authentic persona, it is not who I am. That has been the work of a lifetime Cedar, to uncover the parts of myself hidden under fear and to allow them expression and life. That expression, that truth of who I am, is the stuff therapy is made of and what helped me to feel whole and balanced.

I love my daughter too, of course........... and yet now, I think I also love myself ...........and that is what is changing everything.

My "overnight success" comment was in reference to my personal journey of coming to myself, being the truth of me, the whole truth without all the missing components..........that's what took a lifetime.............now at 64 years old, I finally feel as if I am a complete grown up with all of my different components merged and blended together to make a whole human being........not just the nice me, (I am a nice me), but the me who can be angry and powerful and talented too. Like all humans, I am a combination of the light and the dark not just one. And, in accepting all of the parts of me, it's all okay.

 

[AnnieO]

OK, I have not read all the responses, because I got caught by one word and it blocked out all the others.

CONTROL

Yes, that is what it is! As long as I keep digging things up, keep trying to make my world exactly how it "needs" to be for my "peace of mind"... I have no peace of mind. I let go of Belle - I do look up her court stuff, so I know what's up, but I don't do that every day - I stopped looking at Pat's grades every day... I let it GO. And... I'm much better.

I did get a bit keyed up last weekend, during Rose's birthday party. I wanted it to be PERFECT for her. But you know what? All she cares is that all these people she loves were there. We all paid attention to her. We let her eat pizza in the living room. She doesn't care that half the people didn't show, or that we didn't decorate the neighborhood, or that the cake was homemade and the ice cream generic and I bought her gifts at the Goodwill outlet for less than $5. She cares that Mommy and Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa and cousins and uncle and aunts were there. And we let her rip paper. And sit on laps.

And that is the most important part of the whole PTSD cycle... LEARNING how to let go of control. At least some.

When Belle gets out, I'm going to be a mess. But maybe if I can keep this part in perspective, maybe I'll only be a warm mess instead of a hot one.

 

[witzend]

The bubble thing?

I don't know about that. Wouldn't that just splatter the trouble around?

Ew.

:O)

Cedar

She claims that her husband can see the negative energy leaving her body and knows she's done it even if they're just sitting there reading or watching TV. He's a nice man, when she asked him for verification, he just smiled and said "Oh, yeah. It's true."

Then again, about an hour later he was questioning people's need for "fancy stuff". I told him I liked plumbing and electricity. To me, a $40 polished stone is a bit fancy. I'm not sure about the stone thing. She goes to Arkansas a few times a year for stone therapy. Apparently there are supposed to be magical stones in Arkansas? I didn't ask.

on the other hand, she was unimpressed by A, B, C, and D(ump it and be done with it) baskets. So, to each their own.

 

[scent of cedar]

You've given me some interesting things to think about and examine, Recovering.

Especially the power/authenticity piece.

I have to think about this for a little while, now.

Annie O? The initial conversation was about anxiety responses. That is how we got into taking a look at what is operating under the response. Negative or inappropriate belief systems learned in dysfunctional family systems sometimes come roaring back when we are under the kind of long-term stress our difficult children bring on. Allowing the feelings to surface so they can be examined often takes away the emotional charge they carried. We can understand, by looking back at childhood situations in which we taught ourselves terrible things about who we were, that it was the parent who was wrong. Often, even as adults, it is impossible to see ourselves as other than wrong or bad, and this is where a good therapist comes in.

They witness for us until we can witness for ourselves.

Anyway, there is an emotional release when that happens. Because we are seeing for ourselves, rather than through the parent's eyes, we see ourselves with compassion rather than disgust ~ or whatever other emotion the parent was reflecting into the child during the abusive episode. Along with the guilt of having disappointed the parent and the fear of abandonment, the child incorporates the parent's reflected belief that the child is whatever bad thing the parent feels about himself. Then, we seal the whole thing in ice, so that we can function, at all. We go out into the world without being able to access our feelings or memories around the areas where we have been traumatized, Sometimes, we have been hurt so many times that mostly, we are frozen inside.

That is why Recovering posted that we are fortunate to have been given the opportunity to have another look at those old woundings.

When this stuff first thaws out though, it is as toxic as it was when we sealed it away in the first place. Thus, that stupid anxiety response.

Recovering? I am the oldest, too.

You are right Annie, about letting go of control and perfection. If I could do that, I would make it through what happens with my kids in better shape, for sure. That is what Recovering meant, when she posted that parents abused in their own childhoods have a tougher time coping with troubled kids. And that is what was happening to me just lately ~ except that the reaction was over a Homecoming dress. It was really crazy, and so, I decided to post about it, just in case I am not the only one this global anxiety thing happens to.

Whether we have had difficult childhoods or not, difficult child kids create traumatic episodes for the parent, over time. Again and again, there is such shock and shame and disbelief and disappointment. As the difficult child child continues to slide, those traumas come front and center for us ~ along with our own conflicted emotions about what happened with the difficult child, last time ~ at the same time as we are trying to deal with whatever the new terrible, hopeful, or disappointing thing is. So, I think all parents of difficult children go through this to some degree.

And you are right. If we could just let it go....

It's so hard to do that.

Cedar

 

[scent of cedar]

Witz, it makes sense to me that if you can envision whatever the thing is that is creating anxiety and then, envision yourself deciding to destroy it ~ however you do that ~ it would work. It is just like Eckhardt Tolle says in The Power of Now. Something to the effect that the pain body cannot stand before the power of your presence.

I will find the exact quote for you, Witz.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Nicely summarized Cedar! It helps doesn't it, to commit all of this to writing, it helps to integrate it.

As I was reading your post, it ran across my mind what therapy generally accomplishes, at least it has for me...........and that is to integrate all of the components of our personalities into a whole, healthy, functioning, balanced personality. All of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. There was a term in a form of therapy I had called the "adaptive" child, the child who cannot be herself because of fear...........and what that child becomes if she can heal from that fear, is the "free" child, the "magical" child who is available for life with a sense of awe and wonder. I heard about this when I was 23 and becoming that "free" child became my goal. I am in touch with that part of me now, grateful as all get out for her too............

On another thread there is a discussion about parent abuse. I imagine it is still closeted because parents just don't want to believe it is happening, even if their lives are in danger. I recall as a young person a therapist telling me that I had been abused..........I argued with her! It took me awhile to take that truth in, denial is a terrific method of keeping the truth away. With our parental tendencies to protect our kids, admitting that they are abusers and that they abuse us, is a tough one. To me, now, all of these 'truths' have the capacity to liberate me from that denial.............and in seeing the truth, I am able to step back, take a different stance altogether, have compassion for all of us and ultimately, let go. I do believe that adage "the truth will set you free." And sometimes seeing that truth is the hardest thing we have to do. In particular, where our children are concerned.

So, for me Cedar, the truth is that my parents were abusers and my daughter is an abuser. I am sandwiched in between abuse..........in almost all ways, I am the only one in my family who has survived mental illness. Certainly my personality had been broken but amazingly, we humans have great capacity for healing.

The central theme in my life has been to "let go" and doing that with my daughter has trumped everything else. The odd piece is that in doing that, I also unearthed stuff which needed to see the light of day and as it's been integrating, which it still is, it's putting the pieces of my life back in a healthy and much more harmonious self forgiving and compassionate way.

I liked what you said about "thawing out." I have whole days of "thawing out" and it can be daunting at times, and yet I can see that it's a necessary part of letting go.............it sounds as if you are experiencing that too, is that right? I am breaking out! I just had a funny image of you and I in prison garb, digging our way out.........leaving the self imposed sentence behind........leaving those ugly orange suits.........the cages.........the solitary confinement...........for freedom............

 

[scent of cedar]

That is what we are doing, Recovering. I am happy to have your company on this journey!

The imagery of thawing out came from an old Frankenstein movie, Recovering. You know how, when you see something that mirrors yourself in some way, it stays with you, kind of bothering you until you figure it out? Well, poor Frankenstein had been chased into the depths of this very wet cave by the angry villagers. Over time, he froze solid, there, and was covered by ice. The camera showed close up after close up of poor Frankenstein's face, covered with ice.

And then, one day, the ice began to melt.

Frankenstein awakened, screaming in pain.

But here is the thing. The pain had to do with who he had been taught he was, by the villagers, in their fear of him. His pain was not so much that the villagers did what they did, but that they named him something he never was AND BECAUSE THEY BELIEVED IT, HE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO BELIEVE IT, TOO. It was this that Frankenstein ran from, and froze himself, to escape.

Because if he hadn't, he would no longer have had the will to live and would, one way or another, have destroyed himself ~ or, let the villagers do it for him.

Here is a favorite quote of mine from the time I was first in therapy:

"Once, my fancy was soothed with dreams of virtue, of fame, and of enjoyment. Once, I falsely hoped to meet with beings who, pardoning my outward form, would love me for the excellent qualities I was capable of unfolding."

Frankenstein's Monster Speaks

The Jesus Incident
Frank Herbert / Bill Ransoom

*******************

"Layers, crusts, and shells which may have been built up over years become brittle, break apart, and begin to disappear. Muscles relax. We begin to look at things and people with more care, hearing words and music not heard, before. And a realization dawns that a personal daystar has begun to shine, giving us its light."

Maria Harris
Dance of the Spirit

*****************************

So, let us begin. In the company of one another, and of the Dancing Spirit, let us enter the world of our own depths, our own mystery, our own promise. Let us give ourselves time to wonder and to wait. Let us be patient and gentle with ourselves as we start. and let us believe that in doing so, we are contributing to our own wholeness and the wholeness of the world."

Maria Harris
Dance of the Spirit

*************

Witz, this is the Eckhardt Tolle quote, from The Power of Now:

"The pain body may seem to you like a dangerous monster that you cannot bear to look at, but I assure you that it is an insubstantial phantom that cannot prevail against the power of your presence."

Cedar

 

[witzend]

I think that these are all good ideas. Even the bubbles. I mentioned the bubbles because this person seemed to have it in her mind that I was asking her to guide me, which I was not, and she wouldn't stop. I'm hoping that she does not continue, because I don't want to appear ungrateful for her concern and at the same time I don't want her to "monitor my progress", either. There's nothing worse when you're struggling than having someone on a crusade to fix you, especially when you haven't shared with them what's bothering you.

Sometimes I think that we feel as though we are in limbo (Catholicism again...) waiting for someone to stop dumping on us so that we can pop that bubble or empty that basket. There's two big things for me right now. Waiting for the next barrage of "letters of hatred/concern" when my dad dies and I don't know how quickly he's dying, and waiting until I'm grown up enough to admit that I can't walk anymore and stop putting myself through agony by doing daily activities like going to the store. Both are coming soon, and only one is totally on me. Both are waiting to be filed in the "D" Basket.

 

[scent of cedar]

I've been thinking and thinking about your posts, Recovering. There was another thread, where we were trying to get to the bottom of things. I had found a number of techniques that I tried. They were valuable, in that I became aware of much that was negative, and took a look at it. One of the things I looked into at that time was the Joel Osteen material. Of all the things I explored during that time, it is the Osteen materials that have come back in response to negative feelings in the present. One of the strongest is an exercise in which I wrote, "I, Cedar, am the beloved child of the most-high God." I did that like, twelve times. Then, I wrote it again, only this time, I said, "She, Cedar, is the beloved child of the most-high God." Then, I did it one more time, writing: "You, Cedar, are the beloved child of the most-high God."

That worked.

I hear it now, every time a negative tape from childhood is playing, even if I am not consciously aware of it. Sometimes, when I am talking to my still so cleverly abusive mother ~ that is what I hear.

And my mother gets to be wrong instead of automatically right.

It's an interesting thing.

So, I wonder whether it is true that we don't need to seek out and heal the bad. Revisiting things that were wrong in the first place weakens us, steals our precious, irreplaceable time.

And our families of origin have stolen so much that was rightfully ours, already.

There is a kind of innocent strength to be found in believing we are celebrated, in believing we are where we are by intent and by purpose. Again, that is the Osteen material.

As to purpose? Yes. I believe we are where we are as part of some miracle we can't begin to comprehend.

Here is the beginning of a story I wrote a long time ago, Recovering.

"Once upon a time, in a faraway land where time and distance had lost all meaning, there were born to the peasantry a generation of female children whose task and whose talent it would be to unravel the tangled skeins of deceit, viciousness, and trickery that bound the hearts, the souls, and the bloodlines of those families into which each was born."

The story goes on to describe the soul's willingness to incarnate, whether whole and perfect, or defective in some way, to accomplish her purpose. In the end, each of the incarnated souls, who lose memory of the time they chose to incarnate and of the weapons they chose to help them succeed, learns that the sense of shame she feels is a key to unlock the mystery she was born to solve.

Some of the souls fail. They fall prey to the curse that rides the genetic line, and spend their time here trapped in a Hell of their own creation. And yet, so the story goes, they have served their purpose, too, for they teach the rest of us compassion.

I keep thinking of this, when I am trying to think about how to respond to your post.

So, I decided to post it.

Cedar



It's a pretty cool story, actually.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Cedar, I remarked to my SO at dinner last evening that it was a rare gift to find another woman, in my age bracket, who is the oldest of a highly dysfunctional family with mental illnesses, who has a daughter who is a difficult child around my daughter's age.........and who writes. What are the actual odds of that?

Well, it got even freakier now that you've shared the story you wrote. (and a wonderful story it is Cedar!) And, it goes hand in hand with all of my "cosmic" theories of the connections we all have here on planet earth and how we find each other when we need each other............

I had a dream on my 40th birthday during a nap I took after I had a massage with a woman who, during the massage told me that she "picked up" a strong "vibe" that I had this job I had to do and it had to do with "healing my family ---going back generations." She went on to offer sincere and very compassionate statements about "what a very difficult job it was" and how the "weight of it" impacted me physically. (I use to have terrible back pain, which is completely gone now) . It shook me up since I had this strong yet vague sense of that since I was a child. So, I get home, fall asleep and dream that I am in my grandmothers home and I find a room that has never been opened. I get in and in a closet in the hidden room there are many dresses, all red (like the one you chose for your granddaughter which she rejected........) from infant size to adult women size. I immediately have the knowledge (as we do in dreams!) that the hidden feature of the closet and the color red are indicative of terrible things that happened to the females on both sides of my family going back generations. I am horrified. I flee to the next room where my grandmother and various aunts are milling about along with my daughter who is about 9 in the dream. I put my daughter on a table and shine a light on her with the intention of clearing her of the past darkness that has settled on my family. I am most intent on that job, I feel almost desperate in the attempt to keep her safe from this family "curse." There is more to it, but that is the essence.

From that point forward, that is how I viewed all of it. That is how I told my story to therapists. A karmic job. A destiny. Fate. But, however you look at it, it ends with me. It would seem that I couldn't save my own child..............(I have no idea at this point.............there is always that flicker of hope) but my granddaughter is the end of this genetic line and...............and I say this with a sense of gratitude that is profound..........she is okay. She has compassion and a spark of humanity presently missing in my own child........

All in all..............mission accomplished. Not perfect, not what I would have liked, but accomplished. I am done with all of this healing, as I mentioned to you in another post, I am detached from my entire family now...........in the negative, enabling sense. It is over.

You have been an integral part of this journey Cedar.............something quite unique and special in so many similarities and I am sincerely so grateful for your presence here, your wisdom, your deep compassion and willingness to be so open hearted and available to me and to all of us here.

Thank you.

"They fall prey to the curse that rides the genetic line, and spend their time here trapped in a Hell of their own creation." Our daughters.

"the sense of shame she feels is a key to unlock the mystery she was born to solve." You and me. (and Brene Brown!)

"We are the beloved children of the most-high God." Yes, we are.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Just wanted to respond to your post which I glossed over after I read the story you wrote..........

I loved the Frankenstein movies when I was a kid. I always felt so sorry for him, caught in a place he had no part in and punished simply for being himself. I could relate.

All of your quotes are just beautiful, thanks for sharing them. All poignant and relative to our journeys.

From my vantage point now, I do believe, for me, I had to go back and heal the past. I'm not sure that is valuable for everyone, we all have to make that choice. There was too much pain in my heart and body and I needed to find ways to expel it, express it, feel it, heal it. How I feel today is totally different from the way I felt as a much younger person. Fear, shame, grief, anger and resentment all seem to take up residence in us and stay there until a time where we choose to change that. I've sat in many a group with people who claim they don't feel it necessary to go through all that pain.............and maybe that's true, however, from where I sat observing them, they seemed wooden, disconnected..........angry........ that thaw you speak of didn't happen.

I think Brene Brown said that when we don't allow ourselves to feel the pain, the joy and the more vulnerable feelings are also muted or in fact, non existent. I've had to distance myself from people who have claimed they are "healed" and okay, only to find that some part of them, undiscovered and unacknowledged is running the show...........and that part, out of their awareness, can do inappropriate, hurtful or shaming things. And, if it is out of their awareness, they cannot acknowledge it so the behavior continues.

Gloria Steinem has a great quote in one of her books, something like, "the world is run by people acting out their inner dramas on the world stage"

I believe the story you wrote to be the truth.

 

[scent of cedar]

There's nothing worse when you're struggling than having someone on a crusade to fix you, especially when you haven't shared with them what's bothering you.

Sometimes I think that we feel as though we are in limbo (Catholicism again...) waiting for someone to stop dumping on us so that we can pop that bubble or empty that basket.

There's two big things for me right now. Waiting for the next barrage of "letters of hatred/concern" when my dad dies and I don't know how quickly he's dying, and waiting until I'm grown up enough to admit that I can't walk anymore and stop putting myself through agony by doing daily activities like going to the store. Both are coming soon, and only one is totally on me. Both are waiting to be filed in the "D" Basket.

Well, that's the thing, I think. Some of us have problems that can be addressed by envisioning letting go of the feelings that attend them. For others of us, the problems, and the anticipation of the trauma they will engender, cannot be dealt with that way, because they haven't happened, yet. Our torture is ongoing. I don't think there is a way to look at a real-time, I-know-its-coming-but-I-don't-know-when dreaded event without waves of anxiety periodically washing over and overwhelming us.

This summer, when we were very sure difficult child daughter was not going to survive ~ or at least, not with mental faculties intact ~ the only comfort we could take was in preparing ourselves for that result. It was grievously sad to do that, but it cushioned the day and night, minute to minute, horror of what was happening. The anxiety of waiting for the blow to fall abated a little because in our minds, the outcome was a foregone conclusion. We had no hope. So, we could go on. You cannot really do that though, because you don't know what the outcome is going to be.

Do you think it would help Witz, if you envisioned the worst case scenario where your father is concerned, and began to deal with it as though the traumatic event had already happened?

Uncertainty itself is part of the trauma. Once a thing is done, we can have a look at it and deal with whatever trauma it caused. Isn't there something ~ I don't remember what it is called, Witz. But there is a name for that kind of anticipatory pain. It has to do with helplessness, and with locus of control. There were some pretty horrific experiments done surrounding those issues. Something to the effect that it was far more damaging for the subject to have no idea of what the pain would be or when it was coming. Those subjects who could understand why they were being hurt, or those who could learn the pattern to the pain and so, make an effort to avoid it ~ whether they avoided it successfully or not ~ survived the experiment without the devastating long-term effects experienced by those who could make no sense of why or when the painful shocks would be delivered.

You don't owe these people ~ your family ~ your peace, Witz. Your life is meant to be celebrated and cherished, not lived in dreadful anticipation of what people who have already tried to harm you for their own sakes are going to say or do to break and blame you, again.

Publically, if they can do it, the rats.


*****************

Witz, I know it isn't fair, but you have to keep trying to walk, and to go about your daily activities. When the day comes that you truly cannot do these things anymore, you will be able to look back and know you lived as fully and as courageously as it was possible to do. That is important. Things like that tell us who we really are. Whatever our families taught us about ourselves may be wrong, or it may be good and right. In the end, it is up to us to define and claim our own reality.

OKAY. AND THEN, WHEN I TRIED TO POST THIS? THE REST OF THE POST SPUN OFF INTO CYBERSPACE. GRRR....

Maybe this was all I was meant to say. So, instead of trying to figure out what I said and reposting, I will do this: Witz, you are fighting a courageous battle. It doesn't feel much like you're winning, but you made the decision to take a look at it, and you are naming the problems clearly. That is a first and really important step. You will be able to figure all this out for yourself. It's really hard to change how we were taught to see ourselves. Part of what I said in the lost part of this post had to do with the role of family scapegoat. This is like, the designated bad guy in the family. Because everyone acknowledges that it is the scapegoat who is the bad guy, the family can go on its merry, dysfunctional way guilt and responsibility-free. Then, I said again that you do not have to suffer for them, anymore. There is no scapegoat in healthy families, Witz. That there is a scapegoat in your family (you) says everything about your family and nothing at all about you ~ except that you've been targeted and hurt, time after time, for their benefit. They will never change, Witz. But you can decide not to believe them, anymore. It isn't that you need to say you have no family. Just explain that you no longer see your family.

That's it.

That's all anyone has to know.

Then? I said something funny about maybe having been wrong. But I can't remember now how that went, either.

Well, shoot.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Witz, Cedar said it well, I can't add to that other then send you hugs and wishes for blessings and peace to come your way.....