It's hit the fan.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by timer lady, Jul 4, 2012.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I missed an inning, Linda. I did know that you were seeking out a learning program but did not know you were "in". In fact I thought it was an Arts program that was beckoning you. Sorry to hear your house is upside down. husband and I would love to downsize due to our issues and can't afford to do so now either. I understand.

    I truly wish nothing but the best for you and hope you'll be able to have some fun this summer. Hugs DDD
     
  2. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Positive thoughts from So Ca

    Marcie
     
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda,

    I am so sorry for the pain you have had over the years over the tweedles and that kt's bm is continuing to cause pain. As I get older I realize how important it is that we find things that interst us and go on with our lives. In the end our children are with us for only a short time and sometimes at the end of that time we are left wondering what happened and what do we do now. You are truly an inspiration to me, that there is always something else. You ahve so many talents and interests and it's good to see that you are pursuing them.

    by the way I want to downsize too but we are in the same position, we would lose money and so we wait and in the meantime it's harder to keep up with everything.

    Hugs,
    Nancy
     
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I echo the others. It is time to focus on yourself and it sounds like you are off to a great start!

    {{{Hugs}}}

    ~Kathy
     
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    A word about downsizing -

    husband and I did A LOT to our house in Oregon. Our realtor advised us to take an offer $20 under our asking price. Our asking price was enough to pay her commission and walk away. We were lucky enough to get a second offer at our asking price and get a bidding war going. We ended up getting our asking price, and paying nothing more other than our own closing costs, which are negligible. Our monthly mortgage payment with taxes and insurance on that house was $1,950. Our interest rate which we had refi-ed several times was at 5.625% on a 30 year loan and we didn't have enough equity to lower it again. We probably could have rented it out for $1,500 - $1,700, which would still seem like a loss.

    Fast forward to our new house. It is a brand new house. There are still empty lots on either side of us. It's the same size inside, everything is new, our lot is 1/2 an acre larger, and our interest rate is 3.25% on a 20 year loan. I understand that as of yesterday you can go down to 2.65% on a 30 year loan. In any case, our current monthly mortgage plus taxes and insurance is $1,215. I could have left the house that I was in, rented it out, bought a new house and still made a profit until the market improved. It's something to think about if relocating is in your plans.
     
  6. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member

    I'm just gobsmacked Linda!

    I'm glad you are taking some classes and doing what you need to do for YOU. I did medical transcription for 14 years (until last Sept). If you have any questions, let me know. I'd be glad to help you out.
     
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OMG, I am so sorry. The first thing I thought of was all of your hard work.
    I am very worried about kt. I don't know what to say.
    Come here any time to vent. I just wish I could send a good lawyer through the dsl unit ...
     
  8. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Linda, my heart goes out to you.

    If you want to travel abroad, how about coming to visit me in Jerusalem? You can stay with me (I have two spare rooms, and difficult child is on the other side of the world, in Australia, so our home is quite calm these days).

    Stay strong. You know you have done all that could be expected of anyone, and then some more, for those children. I am so sorry how things are turning out. I am pleased you're learning something that you can earn a living with.

    Love, Esther
     
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Linda, my heart just breaks for you! I never in a million years would have thought that could happen! But I agree with the others. You have been a warrior advocate for your children, you have done all you could possibly do, you gave 110% and then you gave more ... and more. You have sacrificed everything, including your own health, for these children. There is nothing more you can do and now it's time to concentrate on yourself, your health, and making a life for YOU! And if you get discouraged, or if you ever think it was all for nothing ... just try to imagine what they would be like by now if you hadn't been there for them! Huge hugs, my friend.
     
  10. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Esther has an idea. You should go on a World CD Tour!
     
  11. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Absolutely unreal. I think the appropriate consequence for the SW should be for her to take the tweedles into her home full time.

    I am so sorry you had to deal with this madness.
    Dash
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2012
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm with Dashcat... I've been scratching my head to come up with an appropriate consequence for the SW, and... that one is brilliant. There HAS to be some consequence for opening a sealed file.
     
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Linda,

    Sadly, this sort of thing happens with severely abused kids. They're not exactly sure why it happens, they just know it does. For some unusual reason it seems to be bred into our genetic code to have our bio parents approval, whether they are normal good parents or complete and utter monsters. I'm guessing at some point in human history, that was a survival mechanism.....if a child craved parental approval, odds are high they'd learn the skills the parent taught them and would also be able to survive.

    And you have to take into consideration that the Tweedles had had not only several years of very severe abuse on all levels, but brainwashing to believe that was perfectly normal as well.......and done that early, it is an enormous task to learn to throw that off.

    I'm going to venture to guess that KT most likely hunted online for her biomonster out of morbid curiosity. It's not hard to find someone that way. Takes some time and energy, but not hard at all. Wouldn't surprise me if she'd found her at some point back when you noticed her behavior take a nose dive. The draw to biomonster is not only that inbred need for approval, but the possibility of freedom from rules ect as well. KT being young, naive, and inexperienced wants/needs to believe biomonster has changed and can love her the way you do. Unfortunately, biomonster has not changed and KT, ready or not, is about to get a mega life lesson smacked upside her head.

    Personally? I hope they will commit her to prevent her from hurting herself this way.......taking the risk of distroying herself this way. Because honestly? Biomonster didn't just step into the picture after so many years to play Mommy. She's got a plan up her sleeve.

    But sadly, there is only one way KT can learn this lesson, that monsters never stop being monsters, and that is by finding it out herself. And when that lesson hits her, everything you taught her will snap in her head.....your endless love, your selflessness, your giving generous heart, the battle you've waged for them all these years.....and hopefully, at that moment she will have no trouble seeing who her real parent is and making the right choice.

    That inbred need for parental approval nearly drove me insane (you just don't get real approval from an abusive paranoid schizo) until I realized that my "mother" wasn't biomom. My "mother" was my grandma and I had always had her approval and her love. That was my turn around point, and I never looked back. I have a relationship with my Mom, but it is not a mother daughter relationship really, we're just friends and I can accept her for the person she is while keeping my boundaries firmly in place.

    Even so, I realize this has got to be the hardest thing in the world for you to live through and watch. A literal train wreck waiting to happen. I'm praying super hard for you and the Tweedles every day. You're all in my thoughts often.

    (((((hugs))))))
     
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm putting a brand new bed into the guest room today. I'm not putting it on Facebook because I don't want M or mother in law to see it. Friends are always welcome for a visit, though!
     
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    So a social worker opened a sealed adoption file giving KT her adoption information? Really? Did she actually read the file before she turned it over to KT? Who on earth would do that?

    I swear I would be down at whatever agency you adopted the twins from and be livid. Heads would roll. After what those monsters did to those kids and the state having to remove them, there should have been no way they could have found them again. Heavens, just try finding your kids if they are simply put in foster care for a misunderstanding. I thought the bio's lived away. Makes me sick.
     
  16. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    That's what kt said but I think Lisa is right and kt found her on the internet. I know at least one of my kids birthmothers has a fb page saying "help me find my babies" complete with phone numbers for them to call.
     
  17. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I learned the word "gobsmacked" on this site and today is a good day to put it to use. I'm "gobsmacked."
    I agree with Donna and others...
    My heart is breaking. You've been through toooooo much. You have tried your very best. You have sacrificed tooo much. Now is the time to take extra good care of yourself. Sure, as appropriate and when and where you can, you can offer some support. HOWEVER, the emphasis now has to be on your own health and to find joy for yourself in this world. Stay strong. Praying for your health and wisdom during this very difficult time.
     
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If there was a like button I would 'like" what Lisa said. She understands. Kt will someday undestand who really protected her. But that longing to know where you came from is so strong. I see it with my difficult child too.

    Nancy
     
  19. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Linda,

    I'm almost speechless... Life is full of unexpected twists and turns but never in a million years did I expect anything like this to happen when kt turned 18. As others have said, you've sacrificed so much (what an understatement!) to try to help your children overcome their abusive past. It is time for you to move forward, put your needs first, take care of yourself, build a new life...

    Life is too precious to waste time dwelling on situations that are out of your control. You've done everything humanly possible to help kt. Now it's up to her to want and accept help. in my humble opinion you must accept this and move on. Detaching is difficult but remaining stuck in this drama will destroy you.

    While I'll always pray that kt and wm find a way to overcome their past, become happy and successful in life, my main concern is now with you. Please take care of yourself. Let your family and friends help you through this. Many hugs, much love being sent your way... SFR
     
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Ugh!