TALAN (((((hugs)))) Your post is heartbreaking.
I have had a similar thought in that I no longer believe that families who have a biological child should adopt. (There are a few exceptions, of course, like adopting a relative whose parent has died).
I understand that this is somewhat radical a thought. But, I think it just seems to bring on additional burden. Of course, if a biological child comes into the picture later....so be it. But, I think that it is better if there isn't a biological child to begin with and there are no concrete plans for a biological child. In our case and in many other cases that I'm familiar with, when the familily is "mixed" with one or more bio and an adopted child, it just seems more difficult and very often it is VERY DIFFICULT ENOUGH.
I think the entire system is in trouble and too many people are hurting. I also strongly suspect that there is a lot of misleading information being fed to adopting families and generally speaking, not enough support provided to those families.
In my area and in the surrounding areas, there now are adoption support groups and I like this concept. They have informational meetings and occassional family get togethers. I remember when the one in my area started. It was mostly for parents of young adopted children. I spoke with the president about how many adopted children end up with ADHD diagnosis and she denied knowing what I was talking about. I signed up for their emails. Sure enough, in about six months "in response to so many requests," many of the guest speakers were psychologists with a special interest in ADHD! Hmmm.
Another thing that REALLY bothers me, is so many people I know (myself included), adopted a child because of health concerns. A pregancy would have been very tough for them and also for their family members. So they adopt. They willingly disclose to the agencies that they have a "special need." And then they are handed an infant who is likely to have their own special needs due to genetics (however, this is kept SECRET). And then there are two health problems within one family. Yep, it could happen in any family, but it is just a double burden and one that is often devastating. Factor in that often this health problem is mental illness, and many insurance policies don't cover treatment very well (IF at all) and it ends up being a huge financial burden as well.
And folks who give their love so freely,do all the extra work, spend all this extra time and money...have their lives turned up side down for decades and then in the end, their children wont or can't attach and disappear...the loss is inconceivable. And, sadly, I agree that this stuff is probably more common than anyone would suspect.
Sending good thoughts and special prayers to Linda and all the parents who have adopted and the adoptees on this board.
