Just a thought: It is so much less busy now than it used to be here.
- Thread starter BusynMember
- Start date
Maybe these discussions should be held on the actual forums, not on the Watercooler. Moderators or the Administrator will be able to confirm, but it used to be that only the parenting forums were public for bots and search engines... so, this discussion doesn't "hit the radar".
KTMom91
Well-Known Member
I've been around for probably 15 years. Miss KT is doing well, so I don't post often, but I do check in. Back in the day (LOL, that sounds like I'm so old) there was less of a drug problem and more of a mental health focus. The kids were younger, there were fewer Failure to Launch situations, and we were fighting with schools for our children's education.
Our kids grew up, some are doing well, some are struggling, but the tone of the board has changed with the current difficulties parents are facing. Some people felt the board wasn't appropriate for their situation any longer and moved on. The issues of today are not the same as the issues of 15 years ago.
Parents with young children who are looking for help may not stop here, because most of the threads are about older kids. Do we even have an Early Childhood board anymore? I just think we/mods/admin should look at what we want CD to represent before any active recruiting is done, potentially disappointing someone who has been searching and praying for answers.
Our kids grew up, some are doing well, some are struggling, but the tone of the board has changed with the current difficulties parents are facing. Some people felt the board wasn't appropriate for their situation any longer and moved on. The issues of today are not the same as the issues of 15 years ago.
Parents with young children who are looking for help may not stop here, because most of the threads are about older kids. Do we even have an Early Childhood board anymore? I just think we/mods/admin should look at what we want CD to represent before any active recruiting is done, potentially disappointing someone who has been searching and praying for answers.
SWOT - It's something I've wondered about also, especially in terms of the general parenting forum. I mean, my gosh.... the last post was on Thursday in there. It's now the wee hours of Monday morning. That would have been unheard of 8 years ago.
I can only give you my opinion. I'm a little hesitant to do so because we're not as soft a place as we once were, but... here goes.
I was referred here by T's 2nd grade teacher in 02/1999. I'd had some experience with listservs because of Boo (who has severe CP for any newbies), but a forum was a new thing for me. I was member #358 or 359, and I think ?MommaBear? handed the reins over to Abby right around the time I got here.
We'd already had a couple of hospitalizations with T. We'd been seeing tdocs/and psychiatrists for 4 years by then. He was a total wild child - completely uncontrollable rages, behaviors that were embarrassing to admit to because they were so utterly outrageous, violence that was over the top, crawling around classroom floors while growling like an animal, and pretty much not a darn thing good old Dr. Spock ever imagined. And I came to the forum and literally cried as I started reading posts. Tears of relief and possibly a little bit of joy. Because here was my tribe - parents who were most obviously *not* monsters who had caused their kids' problems (because we've all heard that from some so-called professional: "It's your parenting skills"), parents who were probably a little nuts because they were dealing with G F Gs, but parents who got it, who welcomed me with open arms, who didn't judge me because my kid was breaking windows out of my home and kicking policemen and telling the principal to f*** off at the ripe old age of 6. And there was *practical* advice, most of which I cannot remember due to my perimenopausal fog, but I do remember Pico listing out the natural consequences for behaviors she had in her home. Natural consequences. Practical advice on how to survive/contain/deescalate a kid who had turned into a whirling dervish because I'd had the *nerve* to tell him to wash his hands after peeing. Nuts and bolts stuff.
I rarely go into general anymore unless there's a topic that I might be able to intelligently address, like RTCs. It seems like the standard answer to any post nowadays is to get an evaluation. It frustrates me immensely because, in our experience, evaluations were not worth the paper they were written on. It'd be easier to tell you what T wasn't diagnosed with at one time or another than what he was. He had it all, depending on which psychiatrist evaluated him. And the rotten kid (said with much love) still giggles gleefully about the time he convinced psychiatrist #3 during hospitalization #6 that he was schizophrenic, complete with red and white angels as his "hallucinations." I think he was 8. There was not a single solitary *practical* piece of advice on how to help T, much less survive him, that came out of an evaluation. And there wasn't any sped setting that ever made an accommodation based on the gazillion evaluations he had.
I think back on the support and practical advice I was blessed enough to have received during those awful years, and then I think about what would've happened if I'd simply been advised to have him evaluated, or reevaluated, or re-reevaluated.... this would have been a very different place and I probably wouldn't have come back.
And yes, maybe I should try to step up and offer the advice I was given, but I swear.... I can't remember it. In addition to the aforementioned fog currently short circuiting my brain, at that time I was going from one crisis to another, trying to survive the days without losing what was left of my mind, with a husband who was gone more often than home and Boo deciding to add epilepsy to the mix and T wigging out, always wigging out... I simply couldn't tell you what Pico or Blondie or Fran or any of the other marvelous folks offered. I wish I could. The only thing I do remember about that time period is that during the seemingly perpetual ER visits/hospitalizations with the 2 oldest kids, having a Gameboy for Weeburt and a coloring book for Diva was essential to at least keep them chilled out while we put out whatever fire was raging on any given day.
Safety plans for the non G F Gs. Call 911 for violent behavior because we have the right to be safe in our own homes. Hospitalizations are not for treatment or cure or even accurate diagnosis sometimes - they're for stabilization and then you get to keep on keeping on once he's discharged.
I will admit that my opinion of evaluations, and psychiatrists/tdocs in general, is definitely colored by the road we traveled. T spent a full half of his childhood in RTCs. He was not "treated." He was not "cured." He was contained, restrained, medicated, and in one case mistreated. My other kids were kept safe from further damage by him, and that's about the best I can say. We saved what was left, and to be honest, the jury is still out on whether the younger 2 will ever be "okay." The best assessment of T came from his therapist at age 8 - "T will change when it becomes too expensive for him to stay the way he is." What none of us realized was that his capacity for enduring misery is near limitless. It took 2 years of living on the streets of Chicago for him to finally decide maybe jumping through a hoop once in a blue moon would be a good idea. Two years of us waiting to get a call from the police or, more likely, the coroner. He's doing phenomenally well now, truly, but his okay-ness has little to nothing to do with the parade of professionals in his childhood, whose skills varied from occasionally competent to more commonly completely clueless, and everything to do with him deciding that he was tired of being cold and hungry and dirty. Not to say he's the picture of mental health - the kid has his quirks - but he is a law abiding, employed, responsible adult, and that was always the goal.
We had Jerry (Jerri?) and then Martie who were whiz bangs at sped issues. And we all had sped issues. I thought I had a handle on sped because of Boo, but sped for a kid with multiple physical (i.e. obvious) disabilities is a completely different planet from sped for a mentally ill (i.e. not so obvious and more often regarded as a product of bad parenting) kid. Genius practical advice that absolutely made a huge difference in my ability to advocate for T. The Parent Report saved me a boatload of time. I do look in on the rare new post in sped to offer support and suggestions, but those posts don't happen often.
When I first came here, there were occasional board wars (I think 2 or 3 biggies) and flaming. Nasty stuff. We even had a small group splinter off and create a .org site (which is no longer in existence). Abby, and Fran after her, got a really good handle on it. We were reminded that this is a *soft* place to land, that we should take what we could use and leave the rest, that we were parents living in pressure cookers and were under stress ourselves so while being occasionally prickly could be forgiven, being a habitual PITA could not. We seemed to be able to remember to be kind to each other. The board was a safe place. It was my haven, my port in Typhoon T.
About 5 years ago, the tenor seemed to change. Much more harsh, judgmental, and unfortunately again occasionally downright nasty. Unlike in the early years, no one really called anyone on it; rather, it seemed more often that there was a pack mentality. This is no longer a safe haven for me. I've had some challenges with Diva and Weeburt that I would have shared with the old board in a heartbeat (because, after all, besides cr@ppy genetics, they also have to deal with the fallout of having 2 older brothers who consumed the family with their issues, and who better to seek advice and support from than parents who have been there done that or are doing it now), but the vibe of the board made it not an option for me anymore. Knowing what the board used to be certainly colors my perception, but I've often wondered what the newbie frazzled parent might be seeing when they pop in, hoping for support. I will say that things do seem to be improving, but aside from this post where I'm just laying it all out there, any time I *do* respond it is done with the utmost caution. And I've unfortunately employed the "ignore" button in a couple of cases.
I'm also not a fan of the FOO thing. I mean, I get it - spending 16 years in family therapy with T, and with a variety of tdocs, I know there are folks who completely buy into the "you are your FOO", but I think it's more a topic for a board geared toward adults with issues, not one for parents of kids with issues. Yes, the argument can be made that your FOO affects how you parent your difficult child, but .... it's just off-putting to me. I really didn't give a rat's behind about the effect my mother's eternal disapproval had on my parenting/coping skills as T was ripping my eyeglasses off my face and bending them into modern art, while I was driving. I was just trying to get through the day without him killing us all.
And now for the petty junk, LOL. I abhor the auto abbreviation expander thingy. I always referred to my son by his name, which now autocorrects to "thank you." Makes me *nuts*!!! And I do not like the term Difficult Child. Having spent my first year or so here going to sleep/waking up with my last/first thought being "I hate him, but I love him, but I hate him", the term G F G was a constant reminder (because I was constantly here) that my son truly *is* a gift from God, regardless of his latest antic. The term is part of our family vocabulary. But I'm getting old, I'm darn tired of making accommodations, and quite frankly, I am not dealing with change well. Like I said, petty - and probably completely unimportant to potential newbies.
Things change. People move on - hopefully because things are better. Maybe social media does have something to do with it. I have no idea what's out there. I don't do social media (change - yuck, LOL) and I certainly haven't searched for a support group in years (probably since 1999, LOL). Maybe there's a lifespan of support forums. We've got to be getting close to 20 years here. I don't know. It's a whole new generation of parents now and maybe facebook or twitter or whatever is more their cup of tea.
I write this with love and eternal gratitude for the folks who walked the path before me and beside me, and because this board was my lifeline for so many years, and because I hope that it can continue to be a lifeline for the next generation of parents who find themselves faced with the challenges of raising a difficult child.
Take what you can use...
I can only give you my opinion. I'm a little hesitant to do so because we're not as soft a place as we once were, but... here goes.
I was referred here by T's 2nd grade teacher in 02/1999. I'd had some experience with listservs because of Boo (who has severe CP for any newbies), but a forum was a new thing for me. I was member #358 or 359, and I think ?MommaBear? handed the reins over to Abby right around the time I got here.
We'd already had a couple of hospitalizations with T. We'd been seeing tdocs/and psychiatrists for 4 years by then. He was a total wild child - completely uncontrollable rages, behaviors that were embarrassing to admit to because they were so utterly outrageous, violence that was over the top, crawling around classroom floors while growling like an animal, and pretty much not a darn thing good old Dr. Spock ever imagined. And I came to the forum and literally cried as I started reading posts. Tears of relief and possibly a little bit of joy. Because here was my tribe - parents who were most obviously *not* monsters who had caused their kids' problems (because we've all heard that from some so-called professional: "It's your parenting skills"), parents who were probably a little nuts because they were dealing with G F Gs, but parents who got it, who welcomed me with open arms, who didn't judge me because my kid was breaking windows out of my home and kicking policemen and telling the principal to f*** off at the ripe old age of 6. And there was *practical* advice, most of which I cannot remember due to my perimenopausal fog, but I do remember Pico listing out the natural consequences for behaviors she had in her home. Natural consequences. Practical advice on how to survive/contain/deescalate a kid who had turned into a whirling dervish because I'd had the *nerve* to tell him to wash his hands after peeing. Nuts and bolts stuff.
I rarely go into general anymore unless there's a topic that I might be able to intelligently address, like RTCs. It seems like the standard answer to any post nowadays is to get an evaluation. It frustrates me immensely because, in our experience, evaluations were not worth the paper they were written on. It'd be easier to tell you what T wasn't diagnosed with at one time or another than what he was. He had it all, depending on which psychiatrist evaluated him. And the rotten kid (said with much love) still giggles gleefully about the time he convinced psychiatrist #3 during hospitalization #6 that he was schizophrenic, complete with red and white angels as his "hallucinations." I think he was 8. There was not a single solitary *practical* piece of advice on how to help T, much less survive him, that came out of an evaluation. And there wasn't any sped setting that ever made an accommodation based on the gazillion evaluations he had.
I think back on the support and practical advice I was blessed enough to have received during those awful years, and then I think about what would've happened if I'd simply been advised to have him evaluated, or reevaluated, or re-reevaluated.... this would have been a very different place and I probably wouldn't have come back.
And yes, maybe I should try to step up and offer the advice I was given, but I swear.... I can't remember it. In addition to the aforementioned fog currently short circuiting my brain, at that time I was going from one crisis to another, trying to survive the days without losing what was left of my mind, with a husband who was gone more often than home and Boo deciding to add epilepsy to the mix and T wigging out, always wigging out... I simply couldn't tell you what Pico or Blondie or Fran or any of the other marvelous folks offered. I wish I could. The only thing I do remember about that time period is that during the seemingly perpetual ER visits/hospitalizations with the 2 oldest kids, having a Gameboy for Weeburt and a coloring book for Diva was essential to at least keep them chilled out while we put out whatever fire was raging on any given day.
Safety plans for the non G F Gs. Call 911 for violent behavior because we have the right to be safe in our own homes. Hospitalizations are not for treatment or cure or even accurate diagnosis sometimes - they're for stabilization and then you get to keep on keeping on once he's discharged.
I will admit that my opinion of evaluations, and psychiatrists/tdocs in general, is definitely colored by the road we traveled. T spent a full half of his childhood in RTCs. He was not "treated." He was not "cured." He was contained, restrained, medicated, and in one case mistreated. My other kids were kept safe from further damage by him, and that's about the best I can say. We saved what was left, and to be honest, the jury is still out on whether the younger 2 will ever be "okay." The best assessment of T came from his therapist at age 8 - "T will change when it becomes too expensive for him to stay the way he is." What none of us realized was that his capacity for enduring misery is near limitless. It took 2 years of living on the streets of Chicago for him to finally decide maybe jumping through a hoop once in a blue moon would be a good idea. Two years of us waiting to get a call from the police or, more likely, the coroner. He's doing phenomenally well now, truly, but his okay-ness has little to nothing to do with the parade of professionals in his childhood, whose skills varied from occasionally competent to more commonly completely clueless, and everything to do with him deciding that he was tired of being cold and hungry and dirty. Not to say he's the picture of mental health - the kid has his quirks - but he is a law abiding, employed, responsible adult, and that was always the goal.
We had Jerry (Jerri?) and then Martie who were whiz bangs at sped issues. And we all had sped issues. I thought I had a handle on sped because of Boo, but sped for a kid with multiple physical (i.e. obvious) disabilities is a completely different planet from sped for a mentally ill (i.e. not so obvious and more often regarded as a product of bad parenting) kid. Genius practical advice that absolutely made a huge difference in my ability to advocate for T. The Parent Report saved me a boatload of time. I do look in on the rare new post in sped to offer support and suggestions, but those posts don't happen often.
When I first came here, there were occasional board wars (I think 2 or 3 biggies) and flaming. Nasty stuff. We even had a small group splinter off and create a .org site (which is no longer in existence). Abby, and Fran after her, got a really good handle on it. We were reminded that this is a *soft* place to land, that we should take what we could use and leave the rest, that we were parents living in pressure cookers and were under stress ourselves so while being occasionally prickly could be forgiven, being a habitual PITA could not. We seemed to be able to remember to be kind to each other. The board was a safe place. It was my haven, my port in Typhoon T.
About 5 years ago, the tenor seemed to change. Much more harsh, judgmental, and unfortunately again occasionally downright nasty. Unlike in the early years, no one really called anyone on it; rather, it seemed more often that there was a pack mentality. This is no longer a safe haven for me. I've had some challenges with Diva and Weeburt that I would have shared with the old board in a heartbeat (because, after all, besides cr@ppy genetics, they also have to deal with the fallout of having 2 older brothers who consumed the family with their issues, and who better to seek advice and support from than parents who have been there done that or are doing it now), but the vibe of the board made it not an option for me anymore. Knowing what the board used to be certainly colors my perception, but I've often wondered what the newbie frazzled parent might be seeing when they pop in, hoping for support. I will say that things do seem to be improving, but aside from this post where I'm just laying it all out there, any time I *do* respond it is done with the utmost caution. And I've unfortunately employed the "ignore" button in a couple of cases.
I'm also not a fan of the FOO thing. I mean, I get it - spending 16 years in family therapy with T, and with a variety of tdocs, I know there are folks who completely buy into the "you are your FOO", but I think it's more a topic for a board geared toward adults with issues, not one for parents of kids with issues. Yes, the argument can be made that your FOO affects how you parent your difficult child, but .... it's just off-putting to me. I really didn't give a rat's behind about the effect my mother's eternal disapproval had on my parenting/coping skills as T was ripping my eyeglasses off my face and bending them into modern art, while I was driving. I was just trying to get through the day without him killing us all.
And now for the petty junk, LOL. I abhor the auto abbreviation expander thingy. I always referred to my son by his name, which now autocorrects to "thank you." Makes me *nuts*!!! And I do not like the term Difficult Child. Having spent my first year or so here going to sleep/waking up with my last/first thought being "I hate him, but I love him, but I hate him", the term G F G was a constant reminder (because I was constantly here) that my son truly *is* a gift from God, regardless of his latest antic. The term is part of our family vocabulary. But I'm getting old, I'm darn tired of making accommodations, and quite frankly, I am not dealing with change well. Like I said, petty - and probably completely unimportant to potential newbies.
Things change. People move on - hopefully because things are better. Maybe social media does have something to do with it. I have no idea what's out there. I don't do social media (change - yuck, LOL) and I certainly haven't searched for a support group in years (probably since 1999, LOL). Maybe there's a lifespan of support forums. We've got to be getting close to 20 years here. I don't know. It's a whole new generation of parents now and maybe facebook or twitter or whatever is more their cup of tea.
I write this with love and eternal gratitude for the folks who walked the path before me and beside me, and because this board was my lifeline for so many years, and because I hope that it can continue to be a lifeline for the next generation of parents who find themselves faced with the challenges of raising a difficult child.
Take what you can use...
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Slsh, this post really rings true for me, and is close th what I see too. And what ive gotten used to and participated in as the board changed. Part of my problems with young Sonic were wrong evaluations and wrong medications and school and Special Education and I remember getting great advice on everything. I also was told to find a new psychiatrist, which helped me do it, but I got other help too, especially regarding school. The parents told what worked for them. We were not all in lockstep and had various ideas, including books to read,which I really liked. I read and research on my own. And what others may tell us. Remember rhino skin?
The board has become about adult children, not what it used to be.
After I helped create FOO, I dont think it really belongs on THIS board. Its doesnt fit what it is supposed to be here.
I never liked the term difficult child...lol.
In short, there is little support now for those with younger kids and I dont know why but I think you touched on a lot of it. Thanks.
I doi believe that the social media is also a factor. Again, thanks for sharing. You brought up things I forgot about. in my opinion its too bad.
The board has become about adult children, not what it used to be.
After I helped create FOO, I dont think it really belongs on THIS board. Its doesnt fit what it is supposed to be here.
I never liked the term difficult child...lol.
In short, there is little support now for those with younger kids and I dont know why but I think you touched on a lot of it. Thanks.
I doi believe that the social media is also a factor. Again, thanks for sharing. You brought up things I forgot about. in my opinion its too bad.
Last edited:
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Jeez saying I never liked the old term, which is the gift from abbreviation, it got changed ti Difficult Child. Puzzled.
And, yes, everyone who reads this...take what you can and leave the rest.
And, yes, everyone who reads this...take what you can and leave the rest.
By the time I got here, first lurking and then as a member - the list of things we had tried was massive. Some things partially worked, others didn't work for us but I saw the logic. The boards had lots of families where those ideas might be valuable. But there was - and still is - almost nobody with a child like mine. Not in the archives, nowhere. The situation is unique enough that to tell the story would be identifying, and I can't afford to be identified.
For those of us in Canada, evaluations is the ONLY key to getting help on any front. No diagnosis, absolutely no concessions at school, no support from doctors, no support from family either. You either have a "real" problem or you don't have a problem at all. (NOT - as we all know here - but that is the world I live in.) So yes, I would have been pushing evaluation. I wish we had gone private and done a comprehensive evaluation at age 8 or 10. It would have really helped - but it would have cost $5000 we didn't have. As it is now... we are part of the "failure to launch" picture, because we have a child who isn't launchable. Still searching for answers.
Some of the ones who aren't here any more have left because, like me, their kid doesn't really fit here either. I've stayed because I don't have anywhere else to go. At least it gives me contact with other parents who at least understand that it isn't "just bad parenting" that makes our kids the way they are.
For those of us in Canada, evaluations is the ONLY key to getting help on any front. No diagnosis, absolutely no concessions at school, no support from doctors, no support from family either. You either have a "real" problem or you don't have a problem at all. (NOT - as we all know here - but that is the world I live in.) So yes, I would have been pushing evaluation. I wish we had gone private and done a comprehensive evaluation at age 8 or 10. It would have really helped - but it would have cost $5000 we didn't have. As it is now... we are part of the "failure to launch" picture, because we have a child who isn't launchable. Still searching for answers.
Some of the ones who aren't here any more have left because, like me, their kid doesn't really fit here either. I've stayed because I don't have anywhere else to go. At least it gives me contact with other parents who at least understand that it isn't "just bad parenting" that makes our kids the way they are.
I wouldn't want to ask our busy admin to do this kind of stuff - it takes work to generate stats. But it would be interesting to see something like number of posts and number of posters, by month, over the last, say, 8 years. When did the decline really start? Might offer a clue - but then again, it could just be a red herring. That's the problem with statistics!
Oh my gosh. Rhino skin!! How could I forget???
And yes, I do recall gift from God being uncomfortable initially for me. We are not religious in the slightest so, yeah.... But for me, it was a reminder that things happen for a reason, even if we can't fathom what the reason is, and T was/is a gift even on the days I wanted to duct tape him to the nearest tree.
Insane, you're right. Evaluations did force the school to stop suspensions, and I'm positive it kept T out of handcuffs more than a few times (in spite of my request that they do arrest him several times!!). But it's not like being evaluated for chest pain or something concrete - any "answer" you get from an evaluation can change with the next evaluation, and in my experience at least, they did nothing to help us get through those very long days.
And yes, I do recall gift from God being uncomfortable initially for me. We are not religious in the slightest so, yeah.... But for me, it was a reminder that things happen for a reason, even if we can't fathom what the reason is, and T was/is a gift even on the days I wanted to duct tape him to the nearest tree.
Insane, you're right. Evaluations did force the school to stop suspensions, and I'm positive it kept T out of handcuffs more than a few times (in spite of my request that they do arrest him several times!!). But it's not like being evaluated for chest pain or something concrete - any "answer" you get from an evaluation can change with the next evaluation, and in my experience at least, they did nothing to help us get through those very long days.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Again, the board has turned into a difficult adult child board. Almost completely. I don't know when that happened or why and it doesn't affect me. I'm here just to sort of support and give my experience because I'm not having difficulties now with any of my kids at this time. I have had experience with difficult k ids of all ages, if only because we fostered and saw a lot.
What reminded me of w hat this board used to be is t hat I have a difficult granddaughter who is probably not going to be tested soon. She is under two. I didn't post because, as I thought of it, I also thought, "Yeah, but who is going to even answer? We only care about adult children these days."
And I'm not sorry I didn't post. I don't know many people here who have kids young enough that they can even relate to her and I can't imagine getting productive feedback for a baby who tantrums way more than is the norm...and who has other problems too. So different from the older days. I get it t hat we suffer when our adult children go off the rails, but we suffer when our younger children, who still have to live with us and whom we are responsible for, are going off the rails or if they are different. And there is no support for that anymore. Proof that is we have taken down the Under age 5 board. I doubt five members here ever heard of "The Explosive Child." And few know about how to fight Special Education in a productive way...and know Wrights Law.
The parents of young children have been pretty much gone for a while. It is almost exclusively a board for adult children who have substance abuse and/or mental health issues, but there is almost always at least pot involved and that IS a substance that affects certain adults in a very bad way, much like alcohol can. So it's kind of a board for this issue t he most...substance abuse. The dynamic is totally different. And I don't think we'll be getting our younger parents back.
There is also a lack of understanding about mental illness. For example, it's a fact that no matter if you throw out a schizophrenic adult and give him "consequences", it is not going to help him. He may no longer be in the home to be a threat, and that's good, but he lacks the rational thinking to connect the dots, realize he needs help, and get it. Anad that is bad. A schizophrenic adult is not failure to launch...he is severely mentally ill and out of touch with reality.Often they think the CIA is tracking them or everyone can see them on TV. They're going to trust centers for mental health? Nope. They will truly believe that these people are out to maybe kill them too...and it is NOT their faults that their brains have betrayed them. This is day and night from non-psychotic depression. I have had depression and you know reality. Your perception of life is impaired as in "I will never get better", but you CAN get psychiatric help. You can make the appointment and go. You don't believe the pills you are given are poison and meant to kill you because the CIA wants you dead. Schizophrenics very well may feel that way. Apples and oranges here.
Would help in my opinion if there was an information part of the board about mental health issues and neurological differences and problems caused by in utero drug exposure, adoption issues, and head trauma. We can't just keep giving the exact same advice to everyone. Yes, I have done it too, but it doesnt help the parent and the parent must feel misunderstood too.
What reminded me of w hat this board used to be is t hat I have a difficult granddaughter who is probably not going to be tested soon. She is under two. I didn't post because, as I thought of it, I also thought, "Yeah, but who is going to even answer? We only care about adult children these days."
And I'm not sorry I didn't post. I don't know many people here who have kids young enough that they can even relate to her and I can't imagine getting productive feedback for a baby who tantrums way more than is the norm...and who has other problems too. So different from the older days. I get it t hat we suffer when our adult children go off the rails, but we suffer when our younger children, who still have to live with us and whom we are responsible for, are going off the rails or if they are different. And there is no support for that anymore. Proof that is we have taken down the Under age 5 board. I doubt five members here ever heard of "The Explosive Child." And few know about how to fight Special Education in a productive way...and know Wrights Law.
The parents of young children have been pretty much gone for a while. It is almost exclusively a board for adult children who have substance abuse and/or mental health issues, but there is almost always at least pot involved and that IS a substance that affects certain adults in a very bad way, much like alcohol can. So it's kind of a board for this issue t he most...substance abuse. The dynamic is totally different. And I don't think we'll be getting our younger parents back.
There is also a lack of understanding about mental illness. For example, it's a fact that no matter if you throw out a schizophrenic adult and give him "consequences", it is not going to help him. He may no longer be in the home to be a threat, and that's good, but he lacks the rational thinking to connect the dots, realize he needs help, and get it. Anad that is bad. A schizophrenic adult is not failure to launch...he is severely mentally ill and out of touch with reality.Often they think the CIA is tracking them or everyone can see them on TV. They're going to trust centers for mental health? Nope. They will truly believe that these people are out to maybe kill them too...and it is NOT their faults that their brains have betrayed them. This is day and night from non-psychotic depression. I have had depression and you know reality. Your perception of life is impaired as in "I will never get better", but you CAN get psychiatric help. You can make the appointment and go. You don't believe the pills you are given are poison and meant to kill you because the CIA wants you dead. Schizophrenics very well may feel that way. Apples and oranges here.
Would help in my opinion if there was an information part of the board about mental health issues and neurological differences and problems caused by in utero drug exposure, adoption issues, and head trauma. We can't just keep giving the exact same advice to everyone. Yes, I have done it too, but it doesnt help the parent and the parent must feel misunderstood too.
Last edited:
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
I agree.
While the concept was a good one, and very helpful to me personally, FOO Chronicles is not generating the interest that would indicate it is meeting its stated goal: Strengthening the parent struggling to find validation in parenting his or her difficult child.
While we are sort of on that subject, I wholeheartedly agree that the term Gift From God connotes a kind of blessing and wry humor and sense of community identity that the term Difficult Child does not. Difficult Child names the child. Gift From God names the situation in which we find ourselves with the children we love.
Back to FOO Chronicles. The last post on FOO was mine, on March 18. There has been no FOO activity since.
***
I so deeply appreciate that we were given the opportunity to explore the potential for something like FOO Chronicles. A sincere thank you, Runaway Bunny. I would like to extend our appreciation also for the moderators who watched over us, there.
Cedar
That's why we started Failure To Thrive - but it doesn't really cover toddlers and pre-teens - General is supposed to be where those things are discussed.
The pre-school forum dropped to zero activity, which is why it got merged with general.
Mental health and developmental issues - including head trauma (which causes developmental issues)... These are not the typical "choosing to be bad" behaviors that "conduct disorder" implies. BUT... there's no where else in the on-line world (or real world that I can find) that supports "us".
Lots of us on the board have kids young enough that we haven't forgotten - and some in General have fairly young school-age kids.
Ahhhh yes - "The Explosive Child." I think I still have my copy somewhere. And what was the name of the other one???? Riley wrote one, Greene wrote the other. Remember doing a full Riley? And the good old baskets.
I'm definitely getting old because I'm missing those days, LOL.
Having adults kids is definitely a whole different ballgame. I've got one who isn't launching in the slightest, and it is a real conundrum - I suspect yet another kid with some significant mental health issues, but my hands are tied because he's 21 and I cannot do a darn thing to advocate for him, and he's not doing a darn thing, and.... holy cow, I'm really just exhausted from this crud. So there's no question that the PE forum is necessary, both for the kids who we've watched grow up on the forum but also for newbies.
It is sad that there's not the continuum of ages that there used to be. I know things have changed in terms of what is available for the younger kiddos - the grant that paid for T's Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is extinct in practice if not in name, and budget cuts are playing havoc with community and sped services (not that there were necessarily an overabundance in our day). It would be good to have a core group of parents that are dealing with things now with their younger kids, because they're going to be the best resources for other parents.
I'm definitely getting old because I'm missing those days, LOL.
Having adults kids is definitely a whole different ballgame. I've got one who isn't launching in the slightest, and it is a real conundrum - I suspect yet another kid with some significant mental health issues, but my hands are tied because he's 21 and I cannot do a darn thing to advocate for him, and he's not doing a darn thing, and.... holy cow, I'm really just exhausted from this crud. So there's no question that the PE forum is necessary, both for the kids who we've watched grow up on the forum but also for newbies.
It is sad that there's not the continuum of ages that there used to be. I know things have changed in terms of what is available for the younger kiddos - the grant that paid for T's Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is extinct in practice if not in name, and budget cuts are playing havoc with community and sped services (not that there were necessarily an overabundance in our day). It would be good to have a core group of parents that are dealing with things now with their younger kids, because they're going to be the best resources for other parents.
KTMom91
Well-Known Member
I kind of miss those days too, Sue.
I know we were fortunate to have a relatively cooperative school district, so it wasn't a daily fight for me to have Miss KT included, but OMG the phone calls from school!
Are there more resources available now for young children? I know we have "First 5" here, but I don't know if it covers any kind of mental health issues. Things have changed here, in the last 15 years...we have a NAMI chapter and several other places for initial help. I was driving up to San Francisco for classes and seminars when Miss KT was young.
The times, they are a-changin'...
I know we were fortunate to have a relatively cooperative school district, so it wasn't a daily fight for me to have Miss KT included, but OMG the phone calls from school!
Are there more resources available now for young children? I know we have "First 5" here, but I don't know if it covers any kind of mental health issues. Things have changed here, in the last 15 years...we have a NAMI chapter and several other places for initial help. I was driving up to San Francisco for classes and seminars when Miss KT was young.
The times, they are a-changin'...
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I don't think Foo chased anyone away It isn't about the board is all. Ic, I support your new board. But it is another adult child board. I
miss the kid board. And the people who posted there. Maybe pretty soon it will also be gone and the board can be called "Parenting difficult adult children." Literally that is all that is left.
PE is the only board that is ever busy at all, and it is starting to quiet down too. None of the other boards have lots of posts.
Will the board survive? I don't know and it's not the same as it one was. I wish new people would post. Or old timers who left. Just to say HI!!
miss the kid board. And the people who posted there. Maybe pretty soon it will also be gone and the board can be called "Parenting difficult adult children." Literally that is all that is left.
PE is the only board that is ever busy at all, and it is starting to quiet down too. None of the other boards have lots of posts.
Will the board survive? I don't know and it's not the same as it one was. I wish new people would post. Or old timers who left. Just to say HI!!
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
I am supposed to be doing housework but checked in and noticed this response.
Hiya Cedar!
Miss you.
Yes, March 18 was your last post. I was going to post something, but have been busy with my Hoku moving back in, and also responding to new members, one of whom I have encouraged to post to FOO, because of her comments, and for the same reason I did.
The pain I felt for my two dredged up old wounds from my childhood. Although there is not a lot of activity, the amount of viewers as opposed to posters is pretty amazing. I just wanted to share that while the activity may look as if FOO is not necessary, I do think it does serve a valuable purpose here, and that is to help battle weary parents cope with whatever issues come up as a result of their challenges with their beloveds. I wonder if it just feels too risky for some to put it all out there on the web?
I don't know, just wanted to respond that the chance to read and write on FOO, and the help I received there was invaluable to start a healing process. I think there may be more who will post there, but like anything else, it will wax and wane according to members needs.
I am very thankful to everyone who helped me there.
Okay, back to cleaning.
leafy
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
This forum in my opinion, from where it started, lost its way and it's partly my fault. The forum is supposed to be about kids, not us. There are many Foo forums on the internet.
It is also supposed to be about the very young kids.
I am sad at the loss of the parents of 5 to 15 year old kids, which was so vibrant in the past. We have almost no traffic there. That's how the board started out; not like this. But most here were not around and don't know or remember. It was very lively in all forums and not everyone posted with long answers and perfect grammar. But in my opinion it was better for most back then. And many more were willing to chance a post.
It is also supposed to be about the very young kids.
I am sad at the loss of the parents of 5 to 15 year old kids, which was so vibrant in the past. We have almost no traffic there. That's how the board started out; not like this. But most here were not around and don't know or remember. It was very lively in all forums and not everyone posted with long answers and perfect grammar. But in my opinion it was better for most back then. And many more were willing to chance a post.
FlowerGarden
Active Member
I think many parents of young children do not post because they don't have the time to with working and using social media for pleasure. I work in child care and cannot believe the amount of kindergarten children being dropped off at school at 7:30 in the morning and not being picked up until 6:00 at night. Years ago, we had maybe 1 or 2 kids that age and now we have 20. Many of the parents believe their child can do no wrong and that we must be doing something wrong. They also claim their child is influenced by another child. Many give in to their child because they don't want to deal with the whining etc. You wouldn't believe how many kids ask their parent to let them play on the playground before going home, the parent says "no", the kid whines and the parent says go play. Then the parent goes into their car and is glued to their cell phone while the child is out of control on the playground equipment.
I don't post much because of many reasons....my child is older now and we have less problems, I'm working full time now and when I do have the time to come to the board I don't know many of the posters "history" to be able to respond appropriately, most of the people that I knew the histories of are no longer posting, and the tone of the board has changed.
I value the advice I have received on this board and am so grateful to have found it. I don't know what I would have done without it.
I do wish more of the old timers would come back and just update how things are going. Maybe we need an Old Timers Update section, LOL!
I don't post much because of many reasons....my child is older now and we have less problems, I'm working full time now and when I do have the time to come to the board I don't know many of the posters "history" to be able to respond appropriately, most of the people that I knew the histories of are no longer posting, and the tone of the board has changed.
I value the advice I have received on this board and am so grateful to have found it. I don't know what I would have done without it.
I do wish more of the old timers would come back and just update how things are going. Maybe we need an Old Timers Update section, LOL!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I think that the stated goal is a sound one, and remains viable and valuable. I think it is a special kind of FOO-pain that is stirred up by parenting troubled children. That said, FOO related threads are and were not dependent upon a FOO forum. Only the decision to post to a theme, and the interest of one or two others.
FOO posts are down because of the decisions of the 3 or us who were originators to not any longer post there for personal reasons. I hope that the FOO-threads remain, as of use to others pointing to the possibility that they might travel there too.
COPA
Last edited:
