Life has turned again...

Nandina

Member
You are wise not to push the contact. He may surprise you, though. Wait til dad makes him mad about something and see who he calls.

Keep in touch with us, Confused. We care.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
As a teacher, I see kids leave to live with their other parent. A year or two later, they go back to living with the other parent.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Confused, We are an intact couple who almost never drink but Kay did. Early. Often. Oh and the pot...started in middle school. The rest of the drugs were whenever she could and we couldn't watch her all the time. We worked. We slept. Plus she would wait for us to sleep then leave the house to do drugs on the streets. Cops brought her home. Sometimes. That didn't stop her.

Even with great parents difficult rebellious kids will do what they want to do and how can we stop them? Kay would not even get in our car for therapy. Rehab? What for! It was mostly just harmless pot (I didn't think so). She broke things, stole, threatened and tortured our other kids.

I did not know all Kay did, even under my roof. Neither did my husband. The other kids just his from her.

You can only hope for the best like we all do. He probably would start acting up with you too if he wants to drink and drug. His Dad may not even know if your son does these things. Not excusing him but these kids are sneaky, hard and we are dealing with kids in adult bodies...some will hit us. I don't believe that we can force teen kids to go to therapy or rehab. At least we were told that. We felt powerless.

Let Dad have a turn now. Your son may get difficult with you, Dad or anyone. Some kids seem wired to do these nightmarish things.

Good luck! Do not write the end to this story. You can't know it
 
Confused, I agree with Nandina. My son behaved like that to us last year, and he was 23 years old! At 15, I don't know what you can do at that age, I'm sorry. I went on online counselling and was recommended the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist " by Margalis Fjelstad. It really helped. In the end we had the police escort him to a hotel and gave him the choice to return under a new rule regime, or not. He chose not, but then he is an adult and can take care of himself. My thoughts when my son was a minor were - change it up a bit - send him to his grandparents, send him to a camp of some kind. You do have control of a sort. But it might involve hiring some kind of tough guy (ex army??) to stay in the house - he needs someone tougher than he is. My son is as 'tough as old boots' and we were no match for his mind games ...Hugs to you!
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
So got a text from my ex"what th he hell you do to him" saying he doesnt know how to do anything etc.

I told him forvyears his issues but he never cared or paid attention. I aintbperfect but id NEVER do anything to hurt my kids.

He used to go everywhere, do "normal things and decentbpace" was socisl. Pandemic hit and *BOOM.*.. He just stopped in his tracks. I tried to take him but hevwouldnt. Hes not being honestvwith my ex.

I knew my ex wouldnt give him back and blame me for everything.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Sounds contentious. And normal. He is shocked. He blames you. Not valid but this happens in divorces. Let him try to do better than you haha.
Divorce is underrated as a reason why children who are difficult have an even harder time. This is not your problem right now. You relax. Give ex the angst for now. Hugs.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
My ex and i have been broken up since my pregnacy with my son. So its not new. Him all of sudden in his life, is new. Sure hed text but not see.

Promises of getting away with everything helps my son want jis dad more. Im still debating if my son purposely did this to go. Some people say hes on his "honeymoon"period and holding in his issues. How can he hold it in? Is that possible? How long can that last?

If my ex gets a lawyer , im just done. I cant afford one, the stress of court...i know my ex convinced my son to tell me and others he wants him.

I have to accept this but i dont know how. Plus being accused of lies is making it worse. I don't know.
 
Confused, Please please give yourself a break. You did your very best. The kid knows nothing about life and sadly has zero empathy for you and all you did for him. He just wants to do whatever the heck he wants. I'm the same. It's heartbreaking, my son is probably telling everyone he meets how we 'abused' him as a child. He has no empathy for us. It's what some young people are like. One day he may reflect. it may take 10 years to do so, I have faith and hope that it will someday. You need to be so very strong and I do so hope you have someone you can confide in or lean on. Take time to look after YOU! Hugs from another sad momma and everyone else here. We get it!! x
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Is your son at his dad's now?

I am sure it must be a shock to him if he has never had to deal with his sons issues before.

Ksm
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
Absent dads hold such a fascination for our kids. You did everything you could for your son. You fought for him, did your absolute best, and he resisted everything you tried. Please be kind to yourself and heal while he is at his dad's. I suspect the honeymoon will soon be over and he will want to make yet another change. Many, many hugs.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Sadly these kids don't look at us and think we did so much for them usually. We want and expect it. We would notice it. Most of ours consider their problems because of us for various thought problems,,,such as anger that they are unhappy and not thriving. We raised them. Dad did not. These kids, or adults, don't really want rules. That's why so many are homeless by choice. They drop out of life and it's petty rules, such as getting a job. Son may leave Dad too and go back and forth until /unless he decides to join society. A great deal if our homeless are mentally ill or substance abusers who see no need to get help. They just don't want to play by society's rules and often say "Nothing is wrong with me. It's you." My daughter did this.

Now not all become homeless. .Some find other ways to live without rules. Many decide to finally get help. It's very individual but not your fault. And focus on you now since all of us have zilch control over the lives of anyone other than us. We can't force our kids to see us the loving way we truly are. Or see others the way they are. Or see that help is a good thing. They eventually might. Or not. Don't write your son's ending. Only he can write his story.

I hope you have other loved ones, friends, church....focus on you first and then engage with positive people maybe. We love our kids but they don't make us happy. Or unhappy. We do that to ourselves. We have to learn how to change our thinking...lots of research done on happiness. Look it up. You will learn but you have to try. Maybe don't stalk social media to see how Son is. FB is a show for others, often to make people look good, bad, or to even target us and our fears. No FN JMO

Let go and fly.

Love and prayers.
 
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Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Good morning Confused. Lots of things COULD happen, but won't. You are living now with the torment of what-ifs. There are a million what-ifs. The only real thing right now is that you have a respite. Your son for a few weeks at least is the responsibility of his father.

The other reality is that your son is NOT reliable and neither is his father. Please try to give yourself a break here. I promise that this will turn out okay for you. Your son can't change his stripes all at once and you're right, neither can his father. Whatever they're saying, this will no be a dreamland for the two of them.
 
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Confused

Well-Known Member
Yes hes with him. I know you all get it, sadly we are going through similar things. I know whatbyou all are saying. My ex plays mind games and my son fell for it.

But its still driving me bats that if my son really has issues(he does) how long can he fake he doesnt? What will set him off if hes getting everything he wants?
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Oh your ex will see him as he is. He won't get a free pass. And he will then perhaps be more on the side of helping you help him. Hugs.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
I never believed in the belt or physically dragging my kids to school or doctors. I did drag them when they were small but as teens i tried and it didnt work. Should i have hired someone to drag him?

I have that memory of being dragged to school and im still tramitized by it. And i only have anxiety. What if anything would have that done to children like ours? Maybe, i messed up that way. I should of...

Nothing since the other day, i miss him. But im giving him time not to hear from me. How much should i let him know im here, that is, if he even gets the texts. Id love to talk to him everyday just a hello, love u, bye. But, not logical.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I tried this.

Kay seemed to know I missed her and was smug about it. She did not seem to appreciate it or care and a few times said "You're pathetic. You can't live without me but I'm fine without you." Cruel? Very. Honest? I don't know. She doesn't seem to miss us. For her we were money and comfort. As people who raised and loved her? Kay doesn't seem to have the emotions to care. Will your son be like this? Probably not. Unlikely. Will he suddenly miss you as a person and realize all you've done? I don't know if these kids think that way. I hope so. Is it good to send I love yous. I'm sure he knows you do. It's very up to you.

If I have learned anything at all in these decades of a difficult child, I have learned that many seemed wired in unusual ways and that whatever we do, we must do it without any expectations. We can't know how they will react. RNs son had a deep attachment to his family, bless him, so he wanted to please them and thankfully is. My daughter is not attached except for what we used to give her. So the motivation that she will please us because she loves us isn't there...it will always be about herself and what she wants to do, not us. She knows we love her and doesn't seem moved by it.

There are kids all over the place here and we never know how they will respond. So I have learned not to have expectations, just live in the moment and go one day at a time. Yes, after twenty years of hopeful expectation in response to our love, we found peace in no expectations, our self love and loving those who love us back in kind ways.

Your son is very young. You did nothing but love him. He is wired differently and you can't know how his story will go. Very young is good. Kay is in her 30s. Young is better. He has time to decide to get help and change. It will be up to him. It always is up to them.

You can change yourself though. It is very worth working on yourself. You want Son to work on himself so why not do the same? Why not do what we hope they do and at least be our best?

Hugs.
 
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Confused

Well-Known Member
Thanks everyone. I found out hes doing EVERYTHING they ask, timely to. I tried and wanted him to do all these things he wouldnt.

I knew what would happen once he went to his dads. I was right. He did all this just to go. Im sorry but with extreme Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Anxiety on most things,theres no way he could be doing so well so quick. No way he could hold it in.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Confused... think of this as a win-win. Your son is showing he can do better. If or when he reverts...you will have the option to be vindicated... go enjoy your freedom! Ksm
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
For me, this is not a win win.

Yes, winning my son is doing better because that is what i always wanted for him. No matter where he is. Same with daughter.

But a few people keep saying hes holding in his issues, he will eventually blow/show his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD),violence, argumentive ETC.
I feel if a mental illness is there, you cant just turn it off.

Ok, i dont have one except for anxiety. But i have had enough family, friends and their family and just various people and they could not "choose" when they had an issue. They could not "hold" it in for an extended amount of time for any reason.

He changed his address to his State. Im custodial, this was an agreed short visit. Not perm.
 
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