Life has turned again...

Nandina

Member
Hi Confused, I think you’re right about not being able to hold mental illness in and that your son will probably show his true colors eventually.

So, if he does act out, blow or whatever, is there something you are concerned about in relation to his father? Would the ex send him back to you? What would be the result if your son began to act out?

Hugs to you.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
Shouldnt he have acted out by now? Im sorry but i dont see him holding it in this long. Honeymoon period, how long is that for most kids with issues? Could your kids hold it in? How long? medications no medications? I at this point am the one doubting issues because theres no way he can hold it in this long as bad as he was when he left.

Id love my son home. But, IF my son bows, my ex already threatend him with a belt. My ex is still an alcoholic, so will he give my son some to calm him? Believe so. Will my son lie for him? Yes, believe so.

My son wont talk to me. My ex wont reply to me...

Im just hurting so bad. So many things not just with son,mainly tho.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
Im not thinking straight.

Maybe they can switch off their issues to a point because as i said, for over 2 years my son wasnt violent at all. Extremely lazy, and was mouthy but no violence. I had my rules, bathe, school, doctors, help a lil around house esp with his own room. But no way would he. I dont want him with any issues. Im just so confused.
 
He sounds like my son. (who is 24 by the way,) I don't pretend I know what my son's issues are, but he appears to be able to turn it on and off at will. He's currently in a big city, with a girlfriend and a flat & appears to be doing OK, (- I'm very grateful for that and wish him all the best!) But when he was with us he was starving himself, making nooses, writing on the walls and throwing glass and crockery about . Why? Because he wanted to leave but was too scared to. Because he wanted us to throw him out and it would be our fault and he would have an excuse to never talk to us again. That's our take on it....
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
Im far from perfect but why do they hate us? The ones who have been around, been there loved them?

Im glad your son is doing good at 24. Was he ever diagnosed when he was younger?
 
Im far from perfect but why do they hate us? The ones who have been around, been there loved them?

Im glad your son is doing good at 24. Was he ever diagnosed when he was younger?
I hate to admit it but he's a bit like I was at that age, though I was never as badly behaved as my son. I think we are both a bit "Aspie" as they say. But I didn't have a lot of empathy for my poor mom, who was a survivor of two wars, a child refugee and divorcee with 4 kids to bring up, plus mental breakdowns, shock therapy, you name it. She did absolutely everything for me, I never had to lift a finger... ( I did try to make it up to her when I was older!!) It's the law of the jungle, the more you do for your kids, the less they respect you for it... think of it like dog training (I've just got a rescue and have been watching a lot of training vids!!) If you demand respect and obedience from your furbaby you'll get it because you are showing leadership. If you give them everything they want in the name of self-expression and freedom, they don't do a thing you ask! Lol... but give yourself a break. There's things to be said for self-expression, both my kids are their own person, creative, funny and smart. One is friendly to us, one isn't . That's their choice... I'm getting on with my life and doing what I want for a change...oh, apart from picking up after hubby and dog...
As for getting him diagnosed, I wanted to, when he was about 11 and had phantom 'hip pain' that led to a week in hospital for tests. But husband talked me out of it and we carried on...
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
They hate themselves so they blame us. We are easy prey. I don't think they see our love and kindness the way we see it. They just don't think like average people. Some people seem difficult from birth. This was Kay. Very puzzling. She was always unhappy or complaining or struggling (and if struggling she did not appreciate our efforts to help her). She seemed born lazy. Is this possible? I don't know.

My daughter can be in a good place (for her) for at most a week but all our kids are different. Their challenges are different. Yet they seem so much alike.

Try to let go and just live one day at a time. I had to learn that

Hugs.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
So my ex doesnt want to give him back. Hes arguing with me.

My son told me whats going on and lil how he feels. Of course hes not free to talk cuz they are next to him. I told my son no matter wheres hes at, whos hes with he HAS to work on him. He can talk to me or his dad, other family. But if he feels he needs PLEASE go see a counseler. (More mutual too) Its ok to go. I encourage it.

I kept telling him over and over how much i love and miss him, his home is here with me. He can spend more time with his dad but im always here. Im happy hes doing lil better.
But in his voice is worrying me....
 
My dad left us for his new wife when I was very small (about 2) and my two elder siblings both argued a lot with my Mom, who as I mentioned before was struggling to hold it together with a poor mental state and hardly any support. They each at different times ran away to live with my Dad, telling him terrible stories of neglect and abuse no doubt. So eventually there were two families, me, my mom and my sister; Dad, his new wife, their 2 kids and the 2 stepkids. This became permanent. I feel for you, as I know it broke my mom's heart over and over. Please be good to yourself and I recommend a mindfulness / Buddhist counselor as the precepts of Buddhist thinking are very similar to the advice I read here again and again - you can only control yourself, all bad times will pass, as will the good times, we must must must be accepting of what comes to pass. Not to supplant any faith you may have - I'm convinced Jesus was a Buddhist! ( Hope I've not offended anyone )
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Im far from perfect but why do they hate us? The ones who have been around, been there loved them?

Im glad your son is doing good at 24. Was he ever diagnosed when he was younger?
I think they "hate" us because they know, that we know who they are. We no longer believe the lies. We see thru the schemes. We know them. So they find new people who will believe them. Who they haven't hurt. Who don't have a history with, ksm
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Confused:

I am so sorry for your constant struggles. I hope you can let it go for a while and try to regain your mental strength.

Personally, when my son was going through his hard times and putting us through hell, I would have welcomed ANY help at all because we had no idea what to do and nothing we did worked...at all.

Sometimes blessings come in ways that we can't see or understand at the time. I pray that this is what is happening in your life.

Don't write the end of the story!! Your son is VERY young and will change so much in the next ten years. My son has and he was THE WORST. Things can change.

My son was NOT open to therapy and things that I thought would help but hey, I think that is a guy thing. My husband is the same way.

Stay strong and work on YOU.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
Im reading everything just not replying individually sorry.

I know i gotta get myself back to where i should be. I welcome help but not his fathers thevway is father his...hes an alcoholic narcissit , so this is hard.

How often is too often to contact him? I told him he can everday contact me. But, i set once a week, quick call to check in. Is ghat normal?

I don't know its still hard i just keep saying jow much i love and miss him. Do good at school, feel goid, have fun, come home anytime...
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
I have been going over topics he likes and stuff to get his input to decoeate/make. So im goingvto only say love you and those topics.
Itll be hard. But its hard cuz I don't know if he knows his dad is not willing to hand him back. (Again it was a temp short emergency visit i didnt give custody)
 
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