Little Update

[BusynMember]

It's a thought...but he'll have to be open to even talking to us about it. All in all, I'm not sure. He gets SO defensive about even counseling, "You think there's something WRONG with me...That I'm broken." I don't know why he's like that. We've never given him reason to think that people who need assistance are "wrong".

Maybe he'd be more open to being tested at least for Aspergers if he understands that it is NOT a mental illness, but a neurological glitch? I didn't like seeing a psychiatrist at first, Lil. I honestly thought I had given in and was officially crazy. I brooded over it. But as I felt better, I slowly got over the stigma.

I was 23 when I first asked for help by admitting myself into a hospital and I honestly did not k now what the doctors were going to say. I was so afraid. For years I was afraid I had schizophrenia. I have no idea why other than I was depressed and picked the worst diagnosis one could get in a psychiatric hospital.

I know your son won't admit himself and for Aspergers it wouldn't help as it ISN'T a psychiatric disorder. It can cause strange behaviors that are atypical, but it is not a brain disorder. It is something that has a lot of hope attached to it.

I hope he will allow this one day. He is not a terrible young man. He seems confused and afraid and a little lost, but not in any way coldhearted like some here. He acts much younger, but, if perhaps he IS an Aspie, they grow up late.

 

[Lil]

He acts much younger, but, if perhaps he IS an Aspie, they grow up late.

I hope so too. Thanks. You do make me feel better.

 

[Lil]

So yeah...tearing my hair out.

As I knew would happen...he called. He just wanted to tell me he hadn't gotten a way to the doctor and so will probably "lose the only job there is around here".

I made the offer. I said, "Is there a cab?" He said he couldn't pay. I said, "If it will get you back to work, I'll pay for it."

His response?

"But only if I'm completely cleared to go back to work, in which case they'll put me back on the same job that hurt me, lifting 80 lb boxes over and over. Women get put on packing and men get put on that job."

So...well...uh-huh.

He does not want that job. Maybe he doesn't want any job. I don't know. I don't care. I told him I have no idea what to say. He said, "It's okay...but has the lawyer called at all about the landlord?"



As it turns out, yes he has...yesterday. He heard from an attorney for the landlord and expects to get an offer. I told my son when I know he'll know and warned him that there won't be that much money...but he said a couple hundred is better than nothing. I reminded him he could go back to FSD for food stamps. His case here was closed. But he said he can't get a ride to FSD.

You know what? I'm done.

 

[DoneDad]

He's got an answer for everything you suggest. There's not much else you can do at this point but to be done. Do something nice for yourselves.

 

[Lil]

He's got an answer for everything you suggest.

Yes, he does. It's clear that he does not want that job. After I've let myself be so tense for two days that I'm in physical pain...he doesn't even do the complaining I expected.

Whatever.

Little Jerk.

 

[pasajes4]

Once you get to the stage where you can openly say that they are little jerks, detaching becomes so much easier.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Once you get to the stage where you can openly say that they are little jerks

do they have to be little ones?
Mine is kind of big...

 

[AppleCori]

Whether he is an Aspie or not....

it doesn't sound like his problem with this job is that he is 'afraid to fail'.

It sounds like he is just being lazy.

Not an Aspie trait.

Maybe he is just going to insist on doing the 'not working yet living just fine' scam until it doesn't work for him any more.

And when it stops working then maybe he will try plan B.

Work.

 

[Lil]

And when it stops working then maybe he will try plan B.

Work.

I almost rated your post "optimistic". LOL

Yes. He is lazy. He's incredibly lazy. He has always been lazy. He would seriously argue with you for 20 minutes to get out of a job that would take 5 minutes to do. He does have mild scoliosis, and he may be more prone to back injuries and strain, but he is not unable to work.

 

[AppleCori]

So, instead of worrying and 'catastrophizing' just tell yourself that this is his plan for now. He is going to try to live 'the dream' for as long as he can.

Let it play out to it's ultimate demise.

That is all you can do.

 

[Copabanana]

He does not need to like physical labor in order to work or to achieve or to be productive.

There is an issue of motivation. Or something that interferes with motivation or goal setting, or persevering or the confidence to have hope. Or an intolerance of failure, or the possibility of such.

My son when he was 18 got a Christmas job, saved all his money and bought a plane ticket to Rio de Janeiro to see a girl.

Something bad happened there. He never again seemed to hope or risk like that. As the years go by, the disappointments mount up, desperation replaces confidence, it has gotten worse and worse.

Like a tire in a rut on the road.

Honestly, I do not know what it is or what to do.

I know all I can do is watch. It is all beyond my control.

Sometimes, I think I no longer even want to watch.

 

[pasajes4]

"Watching" only serves to torture us.

 

[Copabanana]

"Watching" only serves to torture us.

PASA. What do we do? I have honestly thought about going no contact with my son.

Of course, I could stop answering the phone, or FB only....but even that feels like it would be torture.

Almost, I do not even want to be part of it. But I could not do that to my son. Or to myself.

There is an agony anywhere we go.

 

[Lil]

You sound exactly like me Copa.

I so often say, "I don't want to know! I don't want him to call me and tell me this stuff. I don't want to know what he's doing or if something bad has happened. I want him to just stop calling me!"

And that's completely true...except it's not.

I WANT to hear from him. I WANT to know he's okay. It's just that he's never okay and I DON'T want to know that!

 

[pasajes4]

It is very much like driving by a car wreck. You don't want to see the carnage, but we can't tear ourselves away. We recoil in horror and still we look.

I am learning. I want to hear from my son, but I don't want to get sucked into his game of emotional blackmail. When that happens, I react rather than respond. I am learning to listen and not respond right away. I can say to him let me think about xyz. If he escalates, I know that he is trying to manipulate me into doing his bidding. " I love you son." I will talk to you tomorrow. Click

 

[Lil]

I take it back. I DON'T want to hear from him.

He makes me crazy! He just called and I thought it was Jabber so I picked up without thinking. He's going nuts because he was trying to make a doctor's appointment and they transferred him 10 times and then disconnected him and if he doesn't make a doctor's appointment he'll lose his job.

The job he didn't want enough to let me pay for a cab ride? Really?

And what, exactly, was I supposed to do about it anyway?

I asked him that. He again stated that he was transferred 10 times and cut off and the place closes in 20 minutes. I said, "Then you call them and tell them 'Please don't keep transferring me. I was disconnected. I just want to make an appointment.' I can't take care of your doctor's appointments!"

He hung up on me.

Jeeze Louise.

 

[Copabanana]

Lil, this is theater, pure and simple.

He could care less about the job, he wants only to maintain deniability. That he be able to say, I did not abandon that job. They unfairly terminated me. I did every single thing that I could to protect and keep my job.

This is what torture is like. He did not think for one second what the effect on you would be. Or maybe he did.

To the extent that he was frustrated, he wanted to pass it on to you. That you would suffer to see how he is suffering...to keep his job and do the right thing.

Is there any wonder why we are going slowly crazy?

The question is what to do about it. This is pure agony.

 

[AppleCori]

The thing is--he knows darn well that if your phone call is cut off, you call back. Not rocket science.

He just wants you to think he is trying SO hard and is foiled at every turn.

If he is not working--why did he wait to place the call at 20 minutes before closing time?

Geez

 

[Lil]

The thing is--he knows darn well that if your phone call is cut off, you call back. Not rocket science.

I think he truly expected me to say, "Oh you poor dear. Give me the number and I'll make the appointment for you."

Lord have mercy.

If he is not working--why did he wait to place the call at 20 minutes before closing time?

Here's a better question. He hasn't worked since - what? - Thursday? Why did he wait until WEDNESDAY to call for an appointment?

 

[AppleCori]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry....