Losing hope

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Maisy, Nov 29, 2016.

  1. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    Feeling really down and anxious tonight. Son came by to pick up a few things. He is constantly negative about himself and his life. Has been on Viibryd for a few months now but does not seem to be helping his depression. We took him to New Mexico with us over Thanksgiving to see our daughter and his girlfriend joined us there. We had a pretty good time but my son had a couple of anger episodes during the trip. He gets really upset about something, which turns into this irrational rant where he gets verbally abusive, then after he calms down, he cries and gets really ashamed and apologetic. He has struggled with anger since childhood but now that he is an adult, it is really disheartening to witness. He goes back to the doctor next week so hope she can give him something to calm him. His ADHD is also really getting in his way. He tics on stimulants and the other medications do not work but I think he should retry vyvanse since he didn't tic for 2years while on it. My husband and I have been supporting him but we have to back off soon. Work would be good for him but he falls apart so much. Trying so hard to detatch but feel like we will never catch a break here.
  2. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    I know that the reason this is so hard is because we have been dealing with his issues since childhood, hard to distinguish between bad behavior and mental illness, and so many medications not working. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated ! Even if it is a swift kick in the pants!
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My mom gut.

    He is dealing perhaps with mood disorder which trumps the A D H D. Has he been evaluated lately by a psychiatrist? Taken, say, an antidepressant which could help with his anger? Gone to long term, say, cognitive therapy, which is a therapy that teaches coping skills as well. Hopefully he is not self medicating. Pot won't help this. Alcohol won't. Stimulants are speed...they can make a mood disorder worse, even if the person also has A DHD.

    I grew up since childhood with mood a disorder and had to do all that I said above in order to find peace and happiness and healing. Inner anger was huge with me. I am also sure I had A D H D too but it was never the main reason I struggled. I tried a time a few times and they plunged me into a deep depression.

    Nothing beats a good diagnosis, the right medications, and trying hard in therapy. I believe your son can get significantly better with the right treatment. I am happy and at peace. I believe he can also get there. Whoever your son sees for diagnostic and treatment purposes he is not helping your son. It's simple.

    Move on to somebody else. I like psychiatrists from university teaching hospitals. They have cutting edge information and helped me the most.

    There is a new cheek swab test that can indicate which medications will best help people. It greatly reduces the "guess" quality.

    I am so sorry you and your son are in pain and hope this answer helped a bit. Sending my hugs and caring vibes. All of us are here for you. Promise!
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2016
  4. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    My son was seeing a psychologist but did not care for her plus I think he thought it was too much trouble. He is on an ssri which has helped some but not enough. I see the same medication doctor and really do trust her. we have been to so many. Part of his issues is he has too much time on his hands to think. I like your idea of going to a university hospital . I asked our GP about a cheek swab and he said it wasn't accurate enough yet so wouldn't recommend it.
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I agree..work can be great therapy. Removes things about them to something else. Also...working in a team could be good for his self esteem.
  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    He needs something to focus on--something he enjoys other than drugs if he's using any. Tell him you will give him the gift of self-sufficiency because you love him enough to not let him wallow on his misery the rest of his life. Tell him he has several choices: College, welding certificate, culinary certification, military, or some other job training he thinks is interesting and fun. He has to find something to lift him out of the pit he's in, whether it's an electrician apprenticeship, etc. Tell him you will pay for one semester. If he quits or flunks out or gets arrested, the deal is off. If he does well with the training program, tell him you will pay for it as long as he is doing well and attending class. He would be foolish not to take that opportunity. Make him understand this is a one-shot deal. In addition to the job training, tell him to find a healthy hobby that will help his depression because boredom breeds depression. Healthy hobbies include swimming, volunteering at the animal shelter, etc. Swimming is the best way to exercise because it's the sport that is the least likely to cause an injury, which means it's less likely he will need drugs. If he doesn't agree to everything, he's on his own.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Medication alone doesn't work. And psychiatrists everywhere use the swab test. Your doctor is a GP. Psychiatry is not his field. He isn't the best medical helper your son can have.

    I have had a mood disorder and anxiety all my life so you could say I speak from experience. I'm doing great too. O believe your son needs a better doctor. The doctors he sees aren't helping him.

    I respectfully disagree with Crayola that just keeping busy or excersing is going to help. From my own experience it there are no easy answers with mental illness and it drove me nuts and made me feel misunderstood when people who meant well told me to switch my diet or just get busy etc. Mental illness is a brain disorder. Very mild mental illness maybe can be helped by jogging and working or school, but more serious mental illness, as when you are so sick you can't function, requires very good medical and psychological help. I was unable to concentrate +depression causes that) o I couldn't even read a book to distract myself. I don't think he is in good shape for school. j m o. Of course a job will distract him, but if he is clinically depressed he will still be depressed at and after work.

    Having said that I do think he still needs to work. He as to sustain himself, depressed or not. I did it even when I had to take breaks to cry in the bathroom. I also tried very hard to get help, even admitting myself to a wonderful university hospital psyche ward for ten weeks, back when they let you stay until you were better. Medication is a big part of my recovery. I needed it or Id fall back down again. Therapy was also a huge help. I also went to self help group and read a lot. It was not easy but I did it. Your on can too.

    I highly recommend taking a young man to a male psychologist, not a female. I won't go to a male. The sexes are different.

    You know best how sick your son is and what works. I wish you all the luck in my heart :)
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2016
  8. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    Interesting thing is he works out a lot and dances constantly. He is part of a Lion Dance team but it seems to be falling apart. A few times that he has jobs, he always falls apart emotionally so is fearful of failure. He is talented as an actor and has had some success , but again seems to be stuck in his own head and won't or can't move forward. so tired of all the drama.
  9. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    My son sees a qualified psychiatrist I also see. Will ask her about the swab. The last therapist that he saw did not seem to help him plus I believe that he is not giving it the chance to work.
  10. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    I am really bad at these forums. I have such a hard time knowing what to say. I appreciate all the comments and concerns but I struggle with getting my point across. My son is in such a crappy place right now and I cannot do a thing about it which drives me crazy. I read the detatchment article all of the time but what it all boils down to is I suffer as he does and I find myself going down the same rabbit hole as my son. Will he ever get a job, see a therapist, find the right medications, commit suicide, be happy? I don't know and it drives me crazy! In the meantime I feel as if my life is on hold. I know that is my fault but how to stop the thoughts?
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    How could this not be so, to some extent or another? I would wonder about any statement by any parent, that they are completely disconnected from their anxiety, guilt, worry, distress, pain, fear--about their child or children--difficult or not.

    Maisy. It is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. You are your responsibility, as I am my own.

    I think we need to learn to calm ourselves, to soothe ourselves, to stop attacking and blaming ourselves. There is support out there, and here. To learn.
  12. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    Thanks, Copa. Your words are always wise.
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son, Maisy, has many of the same issues as your son, and some more, too. He has now just turned 28. He is changing a bit now, maturing, some. Motivated to do what is necessary to stay near us. Some. I little bit. But when he was 23 I threw him out, because he was not doing one constructive thing to help himself. Right or wrong I did it.

    These young people have to decide themselves whether to sink or swim. And we have to bear it. For them and for ourselves. I know it is hard. It is still difficult for me. I intervene and try to control--way too much--and it blows up in my face.

    For right now, decide to lay off of yourself, for today. Read a mystery. Knit. Walk. Garden. Talk to friends at work, if you are at work. Breathe. Turn on music. Just stop the self-blame for today. Day by day.
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Maisy. Do you like to dance? The way I got through months at a horrible job that I hated every minute was this. Every time I felt trapped and desolate I googled these videos on youtube: 80 year old salsa dancer.

    Now this was 8 or 9 years ago. Then, she was not 80 years. Now for sure she is older than that. She went on to be a finalist on Britain's Got Talent.

    When I first watched her I thought she was Cuban. She's English. She was living in Spain when her husband died, and decided to survive. She did it through dance lessons. She transformed herself. Into an acrobatic salsa dancer. If she did this, I can too. Who knows? Maybe she had a difficult child.
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It is true that no therapist can help you if the person won't listen.

    I am glad he has a good psychiatrist. And that you are also seeing somebody to help you. It is so hard to know what to do. Neutral third parties with some training (if good) can help us put things into a better perspective. And we need a calm, uninvolved voice counteracting their voices in our heads.

    This is bigger than all of us. It feels so powerless when we look at our grown charges and know they won't let us help them. I am so sorry and send my hugs and good vibes.
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2016
  16. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    You just made my day! Thank you!
  17. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    That is the thing. To get out of MY head. Thinking I can control this situation.
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    That's always the hardest part. Admitting there is nothing we can do...it is brutal.

    But to live...I have found we have to grieve the child we hoped to have, just as if a love one died, and then to move on and never stop counting our blessings. Make peace with what today brings. We can't know about tomorrow and it does us no good to catastrophize and speculate. The past is over. The future hasn't come yet. The only reality is the moment.

    If you've never tried meditation, I highly recommend it. It took me a while to get the hang of it. Now just laying down, even before I hear the music, I am instantly calm and my mind is still.
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2016
  19. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    Good reminder about meditation . I have done it in the past but need to restart.
  20. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    Copa, I am going to look up the 80 year old salsa dancer videos. Thanks for that suggestion.