My heart is breaking....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Jun 9, 2017.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    My son has called. He is leaving the hotel today and going to a hostel. Its not that I didn't know this would be the outcome so why do I feel so desperately heartbroken.
    How has this happened? My lovely boy. Privately educated, good grades the world at his feet to homeless in a hostel. Alone.
    He begged me to come home, saying 'how could I let him go to such a place', he said he hadn't eaten for two days, just cup a soup. I cannot describe the pain. I am just so so so sad. :( :( :(
  2. Mrs M

    Mrs M New Member

    I feel your pain...
  3. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I am sorry for your hurting heart. However as SWOT said loving him means letting him go to find his own way as gut wrenching as it is for you. Being together in the house is dysfunctional for all and not helping him grow. He has a roof over his head at the hostel and food. Let him go on from there. He is not your little boy any longer. Could you and the hubby maybe go for a nice day trip somewhere to get out of the house and have some enjoyment? Hugs to you.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The first steps, hard as they can be, is to stop seeing your son as a child. He is a man now. He chose to throw away his upbringing, as many young adults do (even some of us) to be who they want to be. Sometimes they dont make good choices, but they are too old and so are we for us to put a band aid on and make it better. It is important to remember that our grown kids are where they are because they made bad choices and that they cant live with us because they abuse us.

    The second important thing to remember is that our angst, pain or guilt will not help our adult offspring in any way, but it could hurt us badly. Most of us have other loved ones who want us to be okay. We have to want us to be okay.

    Our troubled adult childrren may turn it around. Or not. It will not be our decision though. I feel our adult kids are served better if we stand strong and refuse to be bullied or manipulated. Is it good for them to use and abuse us and for us to crumble in weakness under their bullying? Most adults who bring us here are so emotionally young, some worse than stable kindergardners. It doesnt show them how to act mature if they can scream at us, lie to us,or guilt us and they see that these toddler tantrums actually work and help them get their way.

    Most of us once were where you are but no longer are. You cant fix your adult child. You can only fix you.

    Like our adult children, we make life choices too. We can choose to make ourselves feel whole and special, in spite of the poor choices of our adult children. Or we can choose to go down with them.

    I hope you choose to go for help and learn how to move on. Of course you will always love your son, but you cant fix him. You can only show him that childish rage does not work to break you down. That it is dysfunctional.

    Love and light!
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    Last edited: Jun 9, 2017
  5. Kathryn

    Kathryn New Member

    Lost - Your pain just vibrates through these pages. Please, PLEASE don't cave in! You are so fortunate to have a wonderful husband, and healthy, "easy" daughter - they need you too. Too often we ALLOW our troubled children to monopolize our every waking moment. What an injustice we do to the remainder of our family, and to ourselves! Be strong, and continue to share with everyone here. We are bound forever by our empathy for one another.
    Warmest wishes,
  6. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I get it. It is heartbreaking, and until you have lived it no one can understand how painful.

    I hope you find some peace in this oh so difficult time.

    Remember that it won't always hurt so much ...that you will learn to be ok again.

    Hang in there.....
  7. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you all!!

    I can honestly say yesterday was the worst day of my memory, and there have been bad ones. I have cried so much I cannot even open my eyes properly today.
    I had to help him. I picked him up and took him to get something to eat. Then we did a shop. Then we went and picked clothes up from various addresses. Then I took him to the hostel. I used to work in a homeless hostel and few years back, it was a brand new one so sparkly and clean. This was something I have NEVER seen before. I would not cage an animal in it!! I fought to hold back the tears as I looked and the bare mattress on a metal bed, the drawings over the broken furniture of skeleton men with LSD written all over them. I cleaned the fridge and floor of dirty left over food, the skirting of three inches of dirt, the walls of...god only knows and the old sick off the mattress! It was a disgrace!
    It smelt and I hated every moment. We went and bought new bedding and emptied his clothes into the drawers and I couldn't help but notice his arms cut to pieces. I am breaking!
    I know its his fault and he is still angry and hurt but this is just awful. The people hanging around just stared at us whilst smoking their joints. Total drop outs. I try not to judge coz deap down my son is the same and he still says all the right things about being better than this.
    He stayed at a friends last night, not bearing to be in this place despite the fact I told him about the rules.
    This morning I check his email and there is one from the council. It turns out he was actually kicked out of the hotel for not obeying the rules!! The email states that the council no longer have a duty to help him as he was warned about his behavior previously. That they would see if this hostel has a room and that would be it. He is so lucky!!! If not he would be on the streets! If he does not obey here then its the end of the road. I am so angry. Angry that he omitted this information to me. Angry that this is the last run of the ladder and scared for his future if he messes this up.
    I have texted him and told him I have read it. Nothing! x