The first steps, hard as they can be, is to stop seeing your son as a child. He is a man now. He chose to throw away his upbringing, as many young adults do (even some of us) to be who they want to be. Sometimes they dont make good choices, but they are too old and so are we for us to put a band aid on and make it better. It is important to remember that our grown kids are where they are because they made bad choices and that they cant live with us because they abuse us.
The second important thing to remember is that our angst, pain or guilt will not help our adult offspring in any way, but it could hurt us badly. Most of us have other loved ones who want us to be okay. We have to want us to be okay.
Our troubled adult childrren may turn it around. Or not. It will not be our decision though. I feel our adult kids are served better if we stand strong and refuse to be bullied or manipulated. Is it good for them to use and abuse us and for us to crumble in weakness under their bullying? Most adults who bring us here are so emotionally young, some worse than stable kindergardners. It doesnt show them how to act mature if they can scream at us, lie to us,or guilt us and they see that these toddler tantrums actually work and help them get their way.
Most of us once were where you are but no longer are. You cant fix your adult child. You can only fix you.
Like our adult children, we make life choices too. We can choose to make ourselves feel whole and special, in spite of the poor choices of our adult children. Or we can choose to go down with them.
I hope you choose to go for help and learn how to move on. Of course you will always love your son, but you cant fix him. You can only show him that childish rage does not work to break you down. That it is dysfunctional.
Love and light!