Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dotty, Mar 7, 2012.

  1. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thanks Andy but my daughter and I have no relationship at all. We don't talk. On mothers day not even a card. Went two hours away to see his mom and lil brother and sister. Don't even talk to anyone in our family...totally turned her back and is all about Bozo now. Gone forever. Trying to live with that.
     
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I think.........you are trying to go back to square one here. And there are just TOOO many of us here to let you do that in any way shape, or form.

    You needed to have a clean break from your daughter - to have time to go work on DOTTY - and the court date should have been it.

    This is a woman who -
    Has belittled you in person
    Has dug her nails into your flesh
    Has humilliated you in public
    Has split your family by having lunch with your husband and refusing to have contact with you.
    Has refused to talk to you on the phone.
    Has refused to talk to you in person.
    Has refused to come back to her former home and talk to you.
    Wants absolutely NO contact with you WhATSOEVER to the point that she went to court and testified on behalf of someone that has now been granted an ORDER OF PROTECTION in his favor.....
    Took you to PUBLIC COURT and HUMILITATED you in front of a JUDGE and TWO attorneys....your husband,,,,,and who knows who else.
    HIT you physically in the face.....by means of a FIST.
    Calls you FOUL names that you wouldn't call the lowest possible human life form.
    Flips you off. Meaning a very disgusting gesture. NOT fit for a Mothers eyes.
    Posted heinous and slanderous things about you on FACEBOOK.
    Has made Freinds and visits with your SISTER.
    Has gotten your Sister to be ugly and mean to you on her behalf.
    Has possibly (not for sure) gotten your husband to side with her.
    Did NOT send you a Mothers Day card
    Has your other children just JUST wondering what's wrong with her - NOT having your back really - which to me is very odd. I would have ripped my sibling a new one over MY MOTHER.
    LAUGHED in your face.
    SMIRKED at your apparent sorrow, and distraught.
    ENJOYED YOUR SADNESS and REVELED IN IT......
    DRESSES LIKE A FLOOZY
    SHACKS UP WITH A BABBOON
    MAKES HER FACE UP LIKE A GEISHA -
    PARADES AROUND TOWN KNOWING she's your kid - and flaunts the fact that she's HURT YOU TO THE CORE!!!!!!!!!

    and still????? YOU ASK.......

    ( this is me in a mocking voice) "Do you think I'll get her baaaaack?" NOooooooooooooooooooo

    Not like this!

    WHY? Because you're still behaving in a mind frame that is saying there is a time limit on starting, stopping, relationships. It's a control issue in my humble opinion. This is your daughter. There is no time limit here. You're 50ish. Shes 18ish. I'd say you have about 40 years to fix this. Doesn't have to be a year, a month, a week. What's the rush? Why the hurry to make sure this relationship is patched up? She's not going anywhere, and you certainly have a lot of soul searching to do. YOu can't force her to go to therapy - you can only fix you. And that is a great beginning to - fixing any relationship with ANYONE you know. Yourself firstly whom I'd say you have a really stinky relationship with. You don't like yourself. Told you that. (shrug) How can you expect anyone else to really like you or want to be around you when you don't even want to be around you? Not gonna happen. More of that stinkin thinkin I was telling you about. "Oh she didn't even send me a card.....sigh....exhale." Yup......so? You have two other kids - Did THEY get you a card? I had three boys - two are dead, one sent me a card. I don't say it like that. I could - I mean - I could try to elicit sympathy and pity by saying - OH Mothers day is so hard on me - I should be getting three cards......(sniff) but I only got one lousy card from my youngest...and it was a cheap card....I wish I could have gotten cards from the 2 dead boys." I mean - COME ON......Postage from heaven would be like - a gazillion bucks.....Know what I mean?? And if the USPS can't get the mail here? I'm not counting on heavenly couriers. So yeah - you have a LOT of work to do on YOURSELF before you start asking things like "Do you think I'll ever get her back?" - I'd like to know if I'm ever going to have a good relationship with my one son.......but - in the mean time - I AM MOVING FORWARD WITH MY LIFE - and doing things FOR ME - because -

    1.) It gives me something to do -
    2.) It makes me feel alive
    3.) It sets a good example, gets me out and about - and lets me feel needed, and wanted
    4.) Keeps my mind OFF of bad things - and stinking thinking......mostly - for other times - there's welbutrin - and it's not strong - like put me in loosey goosey land - so get "Strong' medicine or numbing medicine out of your mind. NOTHING is going to dull the pain - but YOU and working with a therapist dot. TIME and work.....working on YOU...and cleaning out the memories, and pain. THAT is what gets rid of the pain. WORKING ON YOU.
    5.) BECAUSE I HAVE HOPE _ I LIVE. AND.......IF there is to be a relationship? When and if there is one? By the time therapy was done? I'm the best me I can be - and I have better, stable answers for my son - who NOW sees me as a wealth of information - not some looney toons Mom on a bender-crying jag.....bcause I can't get my mess together. THAT" is what 15 years of therapy did for me.

    SO - what's it gonna be dot........yes.........or.............no????????
    lemme sleep on it.........baby babby let me sleep on it...............(do do dod odddoddddddoooooo)
    let me sleep on it - I'll give you an answer in the morning ........
    I gotta know right now.............
    (gosh what perfect timing) lol.....song on the radio...lol.

    Anyway - You can't ask what we can't tell you - or rather what your daughter can't answer.

    What I can tell you is that if you stick with therapy? A lot of the answers to the questions you have had for a LONG LONG LONG time will start to fit together like puzzle pieces that seem to have been lost in your life forever. Mysteries solved, anger quelched......anxieties........gone. Fears disappeared. And maybe somewhere in there - a kid will see you as a different person- level and mellow - and the person you really are - not the one with all the stress and irritability of the world resting on her shoulders from years of not getting support - and I'm not just talking - marriage - this has been going on - WAY before that. And you'll get to those years too - painful as they were.......you need to deal with them too. Don't be afraid......just deal with them and put it all in perspective for once in your life......do something for you......that helps everyone else you know really see YOU.

    I promise it's the best gift you will ever ever ever give yourself.

    BIG HUGS.........Star
     
  3. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    That is one of my all time favorite Meatloaf songs Star :)

    Marcie
     
  4. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thanks Star. I needed that. Still a mom, first and foremost and I can't help but feel awful with what has happened with my daughter. Never in my wildest dreams would have thought it would have gotten to this point. It just makes me very, very sad, and I can't help but wonder if it was me who was the cause, even though I truly believe I was a good mom and really tried to reach out to her and mend fences. Now there are no fences to mend. She drew a line in the sand and I haven't contacted her or wanted to in almost two weeks. If we ever have a chance, she will have to be the one who contacts me, and let's face it...she won't. So I'm trying as hard as I know how to live life without her in it from now til forever, and it's sucks! Happy Memorial Day everyone <3
     
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    dotty...ok, you are talking in circles. We know how you feel. Maybe you were a little mean. So what? We all aren't perfect. Your daughter is A LOT mean. I would happily give anyone a wide berth who acted like that. Yes, even a child. Being my child doesn't give my kids a right to slap me or abuse me.

    The biggest abuser of yourself is yourself. You have two choices (I'm copying from Star here):

    1/You can get help and move on
    2/You can wallow in self-pity, wring your hands, and wait for heinous daughter to decide it's ok for you to speak to her and her lousy boyfriend.

    You have to make the decision. We can't do it for you. I know what I did. I moved on. And I am POSITIVE I won't see Scott anymore and I'm also positive that my life is better without him, his games, his control, his nasty wife and his lousy, disrespectful attitude, not to mention his silly misconceptions about his childhood.

    I have four other children. I can not waste minutes of my life (that I can't get back) worrying about Scott anymore. I felt bad too at first untill I realized that it isn't me, it's HIM. He's the unforgiving, dramatic one who made the decision. It's not me who said, "You did _________ or you did ____________".

    Dotty, it is not worth it to sit around and just brood. Did you call a psychiatrist or a therapist yet? Do you have an appointment? If you don't have insurance there are county mental health centers. in my opinion you really need to set up an appointment YESTERDAY and go ASAP. I understand why you are sad...that little girl that was once so cute rejected you, but she's not a little girl any more and she's a totally different person. Now it's time to acknowledge that and to find out who Dotty is. You are not a mother first. You are yourself first. We all are.

    "Wherever you go, there you are."

    Huggles :)
     
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    MWM - oh I love that - Huggles. LOL - very cool.

    Dotty - You're so welcome. I told you - this board will have your back, kick your butt, hug your shoulders......laugh at your underpants....Okay well there was that one time when I went to work with my thong undies on backwards.....but then again - I've done some wonderful things. AND I admit them - but....I used to wonder - "Is it just ME Star?" and I share those moments here...and now I know.....YES - it's just me. LOL. See no one else here would outwardly admit that they were NOT Catholic, drove by the church, dumped out the bubbles in their sons bubble container, went into the church, snuck by the holy water container - dipped the bubble container INTO the holy water thing, capped the bottle, went home and threw the water on their child while screaming "The Power Of Christ Compels You." ----in an effort in the beginning to RID their child of whatever ailed him.......but I did. Seriously what was I thinking? ------I should have gotten a 55 gallon drum. (note to self - larger container for bigger child). And YOU have never tried to lick the beaters on a mixer while baking a cake and then hit the ON button and bruised your tongue. (oh have you? I think not) Lemme see what else....Taped chicken livers to your elbows recently and danced nekkid in the moonlight? Yeah that one scared the bells out of the neighbors. But in all seriousness - DO NOT ever shop with me. I eat things while I shop - (oh I pay for them but I love the reaction I get when people think I've ripped off the store) LORD I'm really not meant for public. HEY I have low blood sugar.

    I know EXACTLY what you mean when you're talking about your daughter. Plain and simple kiddo - IT HURTS. And that's going to take a while to digest.....and ruminate......and figure out. Depression isn't like grief so much because well - it's depression...people say it's grief turned inward and capped. I don't know if that's true.....but I DO know that you have to talk to someone about it - or it just gets worse. And worse, and worse, and worse.....and eventually you don't function. Then you end up a bitter old woman.

    YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO OFFER.......and it's just right now???? You can't save your daughter.......it's like a two part novel. This chapter is closing - and a new one has to be written - and youj're the author. Get penning my darlin' - and the part where the daughter comes running back without a babboon and no makeup and is mentally well, stable and you have lunch? Yeah - you can write that in - a few chapters down the road......but you have to do the work on chapters Dotty - first. M.K.?

    Okay gotta go study -
    Hugs and Love -
    Huggles - OMG that is so cute....LOVE IT!
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Chicken livers and dancing nekkid is a sure fire way to cure what ails you...just ask anyone here...lol.

    They had to explain that one to my kids and then the nurses in the hospital when I was in there. Everyone was so confused!
     
  8. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Just to update, I went to two doctors last week. A psychiatrist and a psychologist; both of whom I like very much. Got some medications and had one session with the therapist. Felt pretty optimistic that things could change, be better. But not to be. Friday night went to visit a friend in the city overnight, planning on coming back Saturday afternoon. My daughter came to the house Friday after work and my husband told her I wouldn't be home, so she stayed for a long while, took a nap, and left about 9oclock to babysit. Then she came back early Saturday morning to get ready for a baseball game with friends. She told my husband she was only here because "mom wasn't and would never come home as long as I was there". I knew something was up, had to be with her and Bozo. Told her dad that she didn't want to be anywhere I was. He even asked if there was somewhere else I could stay so she could come home. If I had somewhere else to live, I would have left for there a long time ago. I'm stuck here. Called her dad today, Sunday, and said she was going to her aunt's house, my sister, the one who is mean to me on her behalf, the one who is happy to see the strain in our relationship because it gives her the child she never had. So she is now at my sisters house tonight. I don't know what happened with her and Bozo. Not the first time. She always runs back, but from what I can tell the last couple of nights she has been living out of her car when she could have come home; we told her she could always come home. She chose to live in her car than to come anywhere I am. Guess that pretty much sums up how much she hates me. Sad part is that I really don't know why, or what I did that was so God awful that she cringes when she hears my name, and cringes at the thought of me. Doesn't matter if she's with Bozo or not; she never wants to be anywhere I am or have a relationship with me of any kind. Told her dad that she is not sorry for what she did in court and will never be sorry for what she did to me. I know it's the same old news, but a two weeks ago, they were as close as ever in a courtroom nailing me to the cross and laughing all the way. But the last few days she hasn't been staying at his place, so I don't know what happened, but hope it's permanent and she never goes back. But what's the point of fixing me when she hates me so bad. Can it ever change, really? Even my husband and my sister can't believe the hatred in her heart for me, and we haven't spoken in a very long time. I don't know what I've done so bad...i truly don't, and she can't even be adult enough to tell me what it is I did and noone will speak in my defense to her. So I'm alone without a support system, aside from you all here. What do I do? Will she ever forgive me for whatever it is I did so bad. I don't recall anything I did was so bad as to be treated like I am being treated, but to her it is, I guess. She's hurt me too, but I still want her in my life and am willing to put the past behind us and work toward a better future. I told her I was seeing a doctor and on new medications, etc., etc., through texting and no response at all. Still hates me as much as she did when she walked out 7 months ago. So please tell me your thoughts. Thanks :(
     
  9. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Dotty, you will need more than "one" therapy session to see any change, and for things to be better - and I am referring to changes and things to be better for "YOU" and work on breaking this obsession with your daughter, because you cannot control how anyone else feels, not your daughter, not your husband, not your other kids, not your sister. Right now, your daughter could care less about your seeing a doctor and you being on medication-she has made it pretty clear she is not willing to put the past behind and work toward a better future at this particular point in time - my suggestion is to leave.her.alone, continue seeing your therapist and work towards a better future for Dotty.

    I couldn't even begin to guess if or when things will get better between the both of you. I can say that if you don't stop obsessing over it, you will reach a point of no return with her and everyone else around you.

    Marcie
     
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Your missing the point.

    The psychologist and psychiatrist are NOT to help your daughter be nice to you. It's for you to like yourself enough to handle it when she treats you like garbage and to not obsess over it. You are not fixing yourself for your daughter, but for yourself. Going to one appointment isn't enough to help you help yourself. You need more time. Whether or not daughter is fair or not fair isn't the issue. Life isn't fair. You have to live life and be able to enjoy yourself even with this daughter trying to ruin your life. Sounds like she's doing a good job of it if that's her goal.
     
  11. dotty

    dotty New Member

    I never said I was cured and I know 1 visit is enough. what I said was I was optimistic about things. Thx.
     
  12. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Dotty, you are struggling and you are hurting and I see that. And I do not write this to hurt you.

    You need to let your daughter go. You cannot get her back.

    It has all ready cost you too much. You have alienated everyone in your life in this desperate pursuit of your daughter.

    You have lost her and now you have lost yourself.

    Do not let it cost you anymore.

    It is out of your reach and all of your attempts push it further away.

    You need to get yourself back. And build a life without her.
     
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I would add...

    Only THEN is there any hope. There may still be hope.... but not "here", and not in the frame-of-mind that you currently inhabit....
    Which is why you are getting help.
     
  14. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Dotty, you have to see that something is seriously wrong that you just cannot let this go. You keep saying that you didn't do anything, you don't understand why she is doing this to you, but in going over some of your posts you stated

    "Then I get into my rants and get angry when she doesn't respond so then I send meaner texts saying I can't believe she is with such a loser and alienated her family because of him, and that I didn't raise her to be a *****, living with a pothead, and that I feel sorry for her, etc. etc. etc. You get the drift. Or "I am willing to take full responsibility for the what I did to her. I was mean to her. I rode her constantly about her boyfriend I hated. I was a bad mom, verbally abusive, mentally abusive and I drove my daughter nuts. I pushed her closer to him. I yelled, I screamed, I demanded things of her all because I didn,'t like the boy she was dating. Or But to see her cocky attitude with her frizzed up hair and way too much makeup and that smirk I hate so much. Or Another thing I realized today. I always believed my daughter was too good for this boy, that she deserved someone better. I was wrong. They are perfectly suited to one another. She is where she needs to be and with who she needs to be with. They are very much the same and deserve each other more than any two people ever should. Or Yes I'm angry. Yes I'm hurt, but I won't allow someone like her to destroy me anymore. She is dead to me. And then you proceed to text her again.

    I am sure each and every one of us has said something hateful to someone we love, in the total frustration of a situation, and we are sorry and apologize and go on. When it comes to a point where it is constant, then it becomes a real problem. Sometimes one has to look at one's behavior and delve into whether or not we played a part and how big of a part of what has come to pass. You alternate between blaming yourself, blaming her, blaming yourself, blaming her and the boyfriend. Your relationship with your sister you said was an ok one, now you are blaming her for trying to take over your daughters affections because she is childless and wants your daughter to be the daughter she never had.

    Really you need to stop and get off the merry go round or you will totally alienate everyone around you. Your situation really hits home with me with my own relationship with my mother. As long as I was doing what she wanted, things would be fine. The minute I went off and do what I wanted (whether or not it was a good thing), she would try and control the situation with hurtful words, and when the words didn't work, she would try and get physical. My only saving grace with her was that I lived 3,000 miles away so any contact with on a superficial basis-I was never able to share any of my life with her as she would find a way to use it against me, twisting any situation that she felt I was making a mis step where you wouldn't even recognize what was originally told to her. I had years of therapy and was able to understand why she was the way she was was and her need to try and totally control everything around her - the sad part was she never went to therapy herself to try and understand why she was the way she was. It was hard to let the relationship with her go, and she passed away with our never having a good mother daughter relationship. Trust me, you do not want that to happen to your and your daughters relationship. Had she dealt with her own issues, there may have been some hope for us, but she felt it was never about her, only me.

    I honestly hope you continue with your therapy and get some control over your life and close relationships with your family.

    Marcie
     
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Dotty, you may also want to start a new thread. This one is getting LONG! :)
     
  16. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Hi Dotty, so glad you got in to see someone, and you acknowledge this is going to take some time and a lot of work to get your life straightened out - started to say get your life back then realized probably don't want that one back but would be better to start a new better one. Today is the first day of the rest of your life - facing forward again?

    I gotta agree with Midwest Mom about this thread, it's time to start a new better one - not because this is too long but because this was the vent, confusion, frustration and scared to death waiting for court thread and it's time to start your recovery thread. Don't worry this site has archives this other thread isn't going anywhere; and don't worry we won't forget what daughter & bozo put you thru but if we do? we can always do a search and go back and find this thread.

    I understand this thread got to be like a security blanket when you were (and still are) going thru one of the most difficult situations in your life, info on what upset you here, it was a place to go, friends, support etc. but take a good hard look at it... it's dirty and full of holes and it smells and considering there is a brand new one in the package and if you think about it? probably don't even LIKE this thread ... so please start a new one. I'll try to be first in line to congratulate you on everything you have accomplished and hold your hand while you continue to start over. For your sake we got to get you away from this negative thread.
     
  17. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    Hi Dotty,
    ((((Hugs to you my Dear))))

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am a newbie, just joined. I have the tread about 30 year old son won't talk.
    I've had problems with my son since he was 15. He just will not tlak to me or my husband. I really don't know how kids can do
    this. I wish there was something reassuring to say to you.

    I don't know if I am right saying this to you and you can tell me to mind my own business, but your right your daughter is not grateful for the good mom she has. Kids to day are so disrespectful. I'm sorry for what she is going through, but she needs to show you some respect. I would nto have the
    courage Dotty to do wht you are doing honey. Us MOM'S have to stick together. I am here Dotty if you want to talk. Take care and God Bless You.

    Nanners
     
  18. LeaC

    LeaC New Member

    Hi Dotty,

    I was searching for emotional support for a bad blow up that just happened between myself and my adult daughter, who is 33. I saw this as a Google hit and clicked on. My daughter does not have any obvious conduct disorders. Still, we clash sometimes. I am posting this for you. I read some of the comments, and thought I might have another point of view to offer. Although I am having the same pain you are having, our situations are different. However, I think that there are universal worries and troubles that parents have.

    To me, and maybe I'm old fashioned, it is normal to have a vision of what we thought life would be like with our adult children. I'm sure there are many parents who quietly and stoicly bare the burden of their disappointments. This may happen when adult children move far away and we can't see them much any longer, or conflicts arise that we didn't see coming at all. I am still having extreme disillusionment in what being a mother is at this point in my life.

    It is normal to expect that our children will stay close and get along with us and want to be a part of our lives. Look at all the families who do have all this. I feel very badly for your heartbreak. I'm sure the idea of letting go of your daughter is completely unacceptable to you. I have learned to eventually get a cool head and try to let that prevail, but I will never "let go" of my daughter. In my mind, that would be abandonement. Not that any one has abandoned their children, it just feels that way to me.

    I have had to try to adapt. I suggest that you try to use other modes of communication than the telephone. That's not working. Take a deep breathe. Stand back for a minute, and think of other ways to stay in touch. Send her an email once a week. As much as it may kill you inside, try to keep it light. Just want to say hello. Hope your doing well. Send her a card in the mail occasionally. Keep in touch, but just slow it down. Things will level out. There is some truth to the axiom that absense makes the heart grow fonder. Give her some space. Rule out changing her mind about the boy. If there is one thing I've learned it's that extreme negativity from me will surely chase my daughter off. I don't think you need to regard this present impasse as all or nothing. It's not forever, even though it feels like it. The pace of your life with your daughter has changed. You must adjust to it. It is not over, it is only slowing down some. Trust me, I've been through this, sans the drug use. I know that I am a somewhat smothering mother. I have been forced to examine my behavior in all this, and it has helped both of us (my daughter and i). It has been very tough accepting (I still haven't really) that my daughter is not having the same vision that I had for us. HOWEVER, that strong bond will always be there between us. This I know now. There may be times when you have to stand back a bit though. Family values are very important to me. I have to rise above it and transend to where I offer her unconditional love, even if from a distance. That may be the only bond you have for awhile. I did stupid things in my 20's, too. It's not a time when parental authority has much meaning to some. The lip service is not good, and I don't have any advice for that.

    Here's a thought. In forcing yourself to focus on your life right now, you will automatically set a good example for your daughter. Not that I have any room to talk, but try to pull yourself together, hold back the panic if you can, and stand up straight. Show her that you are strong enough to resist the tests she is throwing at you. She NEEDS to see this. Do it for her, if not yourself. Show her any strength you can muster.

    Practice by leaving just one message on her phone like this, " Oh, Hi, honey, I just called to say hi. I hope everything is well. Have a great week (or whatever). Talk to you later." And that's IT. Force yourself to wait at least a week before you leave another message. Do not even imply that you expect a call back. You are just Mom giving a quick hello. Remember, you are the adult, and you must force yourself to behave like one. Try to keep your emotions in check on the short messages, even if you are dying inside. I don't mean this in a critical way, really, but you must present a calm front to her if you ever want her to contact you. She will not want to talk to you when you are upset. It will take time, maybe months, before she may begin to feel like saying hello. Don't expect to much for awhile. Kids do come back all the time. It may not be on your timeclock, though. It's hard, I know. I had to learn to drop the drama if I wanted to have a good relationship with my daughter, and she's my only one, so you better believe, I have tried to control myself.

    Ask yourself where your daughter learned to be so emotional that she has lost her judgement running off with this guy? She is not using her head, is she? Could mother and daughter be more alike than you think? Sometimes we unconsciously sabotage relationships. Have you always been this controlling of your daughter? Maybe she resents your being so close to her that she feels like an appendage instead of an individual. Pressure has already caused her to rebel against it. If you stop pressuring her, she may mature a bit and find that you are ok to be around.

    You must adapt to the present situation. Like I said, my point of may be different. I know that I played my part in alienating my daughter with out of control behavior on my part. Fortunately, I was able, for the most part, change things by being the adult, getting control of myself and stop driving her away. Your daughter is reacting to your behavior. To change others, we have to use stealth tactics sometimes. Your daughter is in a highly reactionary mode with you now. In my opinion, the only way you regain a relationship with her is to modify your own behavior. This is a trick that took my awhile to catch on to, but I saw the similarities to this situation in all relationships (husbands!). You have to try to stay calm. I think your daughter has a bad mouth on her, and I don't know if she will change that. I am convinced that you can show her that you will not act the way you have in the past again. Frankly, I think i would avoid my mother too if she kept yelling at her all the time, even if she is right. It turns people off to be around someone who is always losing it emotionally. That was a tough lesson I learned. I, too, feel very panicky at the idea of a life without my daughter in it. You may find that you don't like the person she has become.

    I will repeat that the only chance you have with her at this point is to do an about face, and come off unconcerned and keep it light. Give the waters time to settle. Enduring this is extremely painful, and does feel all wrong. You will have to clear the decks and start all over with her. Give it time to clear up. This time you may need to be upbeat and light hearted around her to let new energy into the picture. It's ok if she doesn't return the emails or very short messages. I used to be bad about staying in touch with my mother, but she never wavered. She just kept sending me the occasional letter or card and pleasant phone calls nevertheless. My mother never acted like I was in control of her emotions. I have learned to do this with my daughter. It sure did help things when I accepted the distance. Let her know you oove her and will be there for her if she needs you. You are now doing what a mother can do, and the ball is in her court. If you find an opportunity to praise her for something, that will show her that you aren't completely disappointed with her. She's in defense mode now.

    No pressure, and keep it light. She may find one day that Mom is pretty cool after all. She is only spending her time with others in the family because she can't handle all the pressure you put on her.

    Leave the door open, but be prepared to wait it out until she feels safe enough to come back to you. It will get easier as time passes and you put some positives in your life. Treat yourself well. Indulge in something that makes you smile. I spend time watching the Purina Pets Allstar videos. That keeps me laughing. Oh, yes, let her hear you laugh sometime.

    With love and well wishes,

    Lea
     
  19. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thank u Lea. My only problem is that its not even an option for me to b in her life. She's with a boy who has a restraining order on me that she helped him get. She may marry this loser...they live like husband and wife anyway. I'm going to therapy. I still hurt every day. The fact that she doesn't seem to care at all about me is most painful. Iv tried light texts messages....no response. Nothing. It's like she died. Nothing will erase the pain...
     
  20. LeaC

    LeaC New Member

    I understand what you are saying completely, and I know your heart is broken. I went through time in my life, during my late 20's and early 30's when I didn't stay in touch with my mother very well. Now I know this does not compare to what you are going through now. But, my mother kept sending my cards and left messages on my phone anyway, without expecting any return correspondence. Eventually I did resume good contact with her, and I have learned the lesson from her, all these years later (I'm 54) that sometimes we have to accept one-way interaction with our kids. Don't expect anything in return. This is very selfless, I know. But, logically, you will be in HER life. The key is no pressure. OK, so it will be one-way for, maybe a long time. It's better than nothing to me. So you may not have a whole, intact relationship with her, but you will have some contact with her. This probably seems unrealistically objective at this time, and I know how you are suffering. I have observed, from some relationships in my life, that I have been required to do all the giving for a time. Don't you will feel better knowing that you at least did your part in the communication, even if she does not do hers? Some people on this forum may disagree, but I learned that if I want to have my daughter in my life, I had to stop pressuring her for so much return attention. She may well have fallen to a level that is disgusting. And she may marry this undeserving man. She sounds somewhat self-destructive, and that is tough. Does this really turn you off so much that you really cannot bare to even hear about it? You must be very disappointed. You have two choices at this point: keep in touch without any pressure or expectations of having it returned, or cut it off completely to protect yourself. The former will release her from some of her anger, and she may come around. The latter may also bring her back, but I think the second choice will take many more years than the first choice of covering all your emotions. You are hurt and in a completely reactionary mode. Those reactions are a sure way to lose anybody, not just your daughter. Many a spouse has driven away their partner by out of control reactions that go into a tail spin. Whether right or wrong, the other person is not going to respond positively to negative outbursts. And i just had another blow up with my precious daughter, and I am not even sure what happened. BUT, I did blow up at her, and that is something i told myself I would never do again, no matter what. So it is a lifelong struggle to force ourselves to react in ways that lead to calm instead of overheating the situation. I'm glad you have support. I have been through therapy, and I have done tons of reading and research to understand the dynamics of my relationships. Nobody responds well to pressure, especially of they feel invalidated by it. I don't know, I just felt better knowing that I was making very light contact and removing any sense of demands. You're the Mom; give at this time with no sense of wanting anything back at all. The fact that you state that you have been contacting her, but she never calls back, or writes back clearly indicates that one of the issues is that she doesn't RETURN the attentions. I think your daughter is very reactionary, and the only way to settle this down is to stop being reactionary yourself. She is way too immature at this time to process with reason and not with emotion. You CAN create that little point of light and nurture it. It's worth the effort, I think. Take way her reason for rejecting you. She can't claim you are one way or another if you get calm and show her that you are calm. Please save this for the future, I think you will find one day, that I took the time to write to you because I know that changing your behavior will change her behavior. It's a law of human relationships. And, you will need to make quick, cheerful references to activities that you have engaged in socially so she does not feel responsible for your emotions. Even if you have to lie, one day, say something like "Oh, by the way, I had the best time at so-and-sos." or "I am going on a little vacation and I'm looking forward to it."

    I am a teacher, also, and I somewhat had to learn to specialize in relationships to have things the way I want them. Anger and reactions only make things worse. You will have to sublimate and/or repress your feelings enough to come off like someone who is rational, even though your heart is raging. Very difficult to do, very. But, it works. When complete polarization sets in, the only cure is to back off.

    If I had known these things in the past, I might still be with my husband. Even though his behavior was difficult to deal with, my reactions played an equal part in our demise. It is our pride and sense of righteousness that causes us to not consider alternative reactions to and affront.

    I have strong spritiual beliefs that help. I know that I am in her heart and she in mine, even when there is no contact. It just has to be enough for now.


    Also, just a thought, but if that jerk wants to play games with the law, you might just have the police over there to bust him for the pot, etc. But this would not help with your relationship with your daughter. It sounds like he is very manipulative. He's using the old trick of "us against them" to get her loyalty. MAKE him wrong be becoming a lady of open-mindedness and the epitomy of self control. That will , strategically, destroy his MO on that level. If you speak to an officer, or to a judge, show them that you the very icon of cool headedness. You have to outsmart this guy. He has street-smarts, but nothing else. You are above him in every way. Show everyone that. At worst, you may have to live with this creep in your life, and have some relationship with your dear daughter.

    Sent with love, and hopes that you will find some relief. Big hug.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2012