Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dotty, Mar 7, 2012.

  1. dotty

    dotty New Member

    I don't have a choic not to go. I must appear. Bozo filed a no contact stalking order....basically to keep me far away from my daughter. He has isolated her brainwashed her. Not even sure she is aware of what she is doing. hes like a cult leader. :(
  2. dotty

    dotty New Member

    You can not control ANYONE ON EARTH except yourself. Not your parents, not your kids. You can't, you can't, you can't. You can try, but that behavior is on yourself. I agree with Star that the best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself. That's sort of why I recommended not going to court...that will only hurt you.

    Star, you are so eloquent.[/QUOTE]
  3. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate your input. I will not contact my daughter. But I worry because Bozo is so controlling and manipulative is she safe? I have an appointment with a Dr next week earliest I cd get in. I just have this hole in my heart and it hurts. Mothers Day not a nothing. Not like I expected anything but I still was very sad. Heard Bozo is trying to replace me dad lil sis big bro with his family. also heard that she loves his mother and his family. breaks my heart she has a better relationship with his mother than me. his mother left him at age 10. he is now 23 .they just began talking 1 year ago because she gives him money to appease her guilt in abandoning him. his mom lives 1 1/2 hr away but he sees her often and brings my daughter with.his mom Loves her. Sure. Best he will ever have and is determined to keep her so he isolates her from me. this woman had 13 abortions left her child at age 10 with his abusive father and he is more forgiving of her then my daughter could ever b of me and I was never so cruel. I Love her. Deep down I think she knows that but her perception of reality is being altered by his manipulation. He's like a cult leader and I worry for her safety. And there's nothing I can do???
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Dotty, I havent read all the posts on this thread but I read the other post on general. Your daughter HIT you!

    You keep saying you were or are a bad mother. I have no clue why you are saying that. Is it because you tried to convince your daughter to not go date this guy? If so, then I am also a horrible parent because I flat stopped my middle son from marrying a girl. I have also had spats with his current wife and my youngest sons oldest's baby's mother.

    Trust me, I dont take well to anyone hurting my kids and I am not afraid to let my feelings be known. If anyone doesnt like it, I dont much care. They can get happy in the same hand they got mad in.

    Your daughter is fully able to make her choices and if she is abusive to you or hits you, you cannot take that. She will either figure out the Bozo on her own or not. That is up to her. If you feel he is wrong for her, I dont blame you for warning her. But you cant feel you are a bad mom for doing that. You did what you felt was right now go on with it. If he is that bad, let her be. Dont bug her.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    In all seriousness, how do you know this? It IS possible that your daughter made her own mind up. He isn't isolating her. She goes to school, to work, I assume she has friends, she sees her father and talks to her sisters. Is it maybe just the way you want to see it? A cult leader? Really?

    Not trying to be harsh, but maybe a jolt of reality?

    I would love to blame my son's wife on his lack of interest in the family, but I can't. He is an equal participant in it. She may have given him ideas, but he is the one buying what she is selling. You seem to absolve your daughter of all blame here. I doubt that he alone is feeding her nonstop hate. Something else is going on that is in HER head.
  6. dotty

    dotty New Member

    You're right she is where she wants to be. I know this, of course I do. But he's in controlling and he is manipulative and she is and has been very vulnerable and I think this is part of the problem. The biggest problem though isher hatred for me. She won't even talk to her dad because he won't kick me to the curb, and trust you, he would like to just as much as she would like him to.

    Should I get a lawyer for court? Don't really have the additional funds, but don't want to be made a fool of in court either. Not sure what to do. My daughter used to talk with her dad. Since I received the paperwork last Tuesday, one week ago, she has not responded to my husband either. He has been trying to meet with her or get her to text/call her back. So not like her. She always responded to dad because she knew he hated me too and they shared a common bond. She even went as far to tell him in her last text a week ago when he asked to meet that she felt everyone turned their back on her and sided with me. So untrue, her dad has always sided with her, even with the courtcase, thinks Bozo has a right to go after me if I tried to mess with his job, which I did not. He can't prove I did, and unfortunately, I can't prove I did not. But my daughter believes I did and hates me even more now than ever. She tells everyone she wishes I was dead, and the sad awful truth is that she means it. Her younger sister, 17, had been in touch with her every now and then, however, when she posted on her facebook how much she hated me and bragged about how good it felt to punch me in the face, and then said, "the ***** has been served" let the games begin and proceeded to tell everyone her version of why she is right and just to treat me as she does. When my son, 24, and my daughter 17, saw how she portrayed our family and how she publicly treated me, well neither her brother or sister think she was right in that and told her so. The end result is that she is not speaking to her brother or sister either. Trust me, I have seen the hatred in her eyes for me. So has my kids and my husband. I don't think we will ever have a chance and that's the part I fear the most....knowing that I love her more than anything and I always had her best interests at heart, and still I'm treated like evil.

    My husband and I are simply living together at the moment. We are trying to sell our house with no luck at all. Finances are tough. Between our finances and the situation with my daughter, it has made our marriage worsen because it was never the strongest marriage in the first place. I feel alone and surrounded by people who despise me. I went to my husband many times in the last few weeks, asked if he thought we could try to work on our marriage, attend counseling, etc. and he said absolutely not it was way too late and that he didn't love me anymore. That we should have gotten out of this marriage when the kids were younger, but we both stayed because we thought we were doing what was best for our children. My daughter resents her dad for staying with me all these years and not putting me to the curb. She is angry with him for not kicking ME out of the house so that she could still live here. You have no idea how unloved I feel. If I had somewhere else to go or stay, i would, but I simply don't have anywhere to live. And it doesn't look like our house is going anywhere soon in this market. We don't even get any showings.

    So my life is nothing but a mess and I spend my entire days crying. Thank God for my job; it forces me to think about other things for at least a portion of the day, but my failed marriage, my estrangement with my daughter, is always in the back of my mind and more than I can bear most days. My youngest daughter thinks I'm pathetic in the fact that I cry so much about Britt. She says she's gone just get over it. No one understands the heart of a mother. To know my daughter hates me the way she does and wishes me dead as the only way to find peace in her life hurts like nothing else in this world ever could. Maybe I did ruin her. Maybe it is all my fault. I know all of you will say that I can't change what has happened in the past and I can only move forward, but move forward to what? My son is 24, doesn't even want to discuss his sister or what hurts me. Same for my 17 year old daughter. She has her own life, her own friends. I really don't fit in with anyone and seem to be nothing but a nuisance to my entire family. So what do I move forward to? I don't have extra money to do anything at all. The house, bills, etc. doesn't leave much for anything; in fact most months I'm short on cash. I just feel really down because I don't see one bright thing in my present or my future right now.

    I worry that my daughter has lost contact with everyone in her family now and that this court fiasco has really drawn a line in the sand. She has made her position known loud and clear. She has chosen sides and has no intention of having anything to do with me ever again. She has told my sister that, and my sister is just like my daughter. Claims my mom abused her as a child; blamed everything that went wrong in her life on my mom. When my Mom had Alzheimers, my sister used to start fights with her and cause nothing but problems for her. It's safe to say that she hated my mom til the day she died,although she tried to pretend to be there in the end, and says she loves her, trust me she's just like my daughter. Ironically, they are born under the same zodiac sign if any of you believe in that stuff.

    Anyway, I used to have hope. Hope that we'd reconcile and be close. Hope that we could laugh about all of this one day. But I don't see that in my future with her. I see me, sad and lonely with my kids all grown up and not wanting to be around me. I don't feel I was a bad mom. Maybe I yelled more than I should have, didn't have the patience I should have, but I sacrificed everything for my children. I was involved in their school, helped them with homework, sports, etc. made Christmas, bdays, holidays special. They were my life and I only wanted the best for them. Even now if my daughter is happier and better off without me, then it is what it is. But I can't just pretend it doesnt hurt and there isn't any magic pill or doctor that can talk me out of the way I feel. Sure, if I had additional resources, I could get a small place of my own, take vacations and time just for me, do things I a perfect world things would be so much simpler.

    I know noone knows the future and no one has a crystal ball, but with everything I've told you here in all these posts, and the way my daughter treats me and talks about me and hates me and hits me and publicly humiliates me, do any of you really think things will ever be "normal"? I asked my sister; we're not close, she has no children and her husband is dying from liver failure. She enjoys rubbing my nose in the fact that my daughter goes to her house to visit her and her husband, that Bozo's been there too, and they are sooo happy together and she is so happy to have my daughter in her life. When I ask her to please talk with her, help her get beyond the anger and speak with me, she tells me that my daughter hates me and that I should just move on and try to have a relationship with my other daughter because Britt is "gone" forever and she's not looking back. She also says that she just got Britt in her life and she doesn't want to ruin what she has with her by bringing me into it. My daughter is the daughter she never had, and I think she is becoming the mother she wants, so she gets farther and farther away from me. I'm just lost guys. Is there any hope? Please be honest and tell me what you really feel, not what I so much want to hear. Because deep in my soul, I think I'm dead in her eyes and in her heart.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Dotty... yes there is hope. But first, you have to get to the point where you have hope for YOURSELF. You have to get yourself into a better space. For the sake of yourself, and the other two kids. Whatever else happens will play itself out over time, and there is hope that maybe, someday, there will be some form of common ground. But... you can't spend your life trying to force it to happen. None of us can make what we hope for, happen. (If we can make it happen, then there is no element of "hope").

    The probability of you being able to turn yourself around? High. Within reach, although it will take work. Reach for that, first.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    The fact that you actually want her back in your life at this point - proves that you could benefit from domestic violence counseling at this point in your life.

    You need this not just because of HER - but your non-supportive husband, your mean and spiteful sister, and the absolute lack of support that you do not have around you. I am offering you a number - it's an anonymous number Dot - to the national domestic violence hotline. I get the feeling that you would do very well with someone to actually chat with one on one - and talk to like a real sister who would listen to you and maybe get the nitty gritty by hearing your voice - and be able to offer you some insight - It's 1-800-799-SAFE

    KEEP IN MIND - you don't have to be beaten or battered - to call - Just misunderstood, not getting support - verbal, mental abuse counts --and from what you describe with your family? I think you could use a life-line.
  9. dotty

    dotty New Member

    thanks for the numbers star.I called and was told I had the wrong number after I explained everything so she gave me the number to the crisis center in my area and I called that number again I was told that it really wasn't the right place to call so there's my answer there's no hope lol. but seriously thanks I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week but no magic pills cure what ails me. do I needa talk therapist and where do I find an excellent for that with money being an issue.what about the lawyer should I get 1 for monday
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Dotty you say no one understands but some of us really do. You are not the most horrible mother on earth or you wouldnt feel this way.

    I had an absolutely abusive mother. She started from the time I was an infant teaching me to not be able to trust her for unconditional love. She would be my friend one day and my worst enemy the next. I dodged flying objects all the time. I could never tell anyone. No one would believe me because she put on such a good front. I was sexually abused when I was 3 or 4 and she told me I was never to talk about it and it would just fade from my thoughts. It didnt. She sang me songs telling me that she didnt love me. She always did really crazy things. She beat me, screamed at me, belittled me, told me she wished I had never been born, told me that I would never be civilized, told me that when she was pregnant that she had fibroids and she wasnt sure which she brought home from the hospital...the tumors or the baby, she told me that I was responsible for every bad thing that every bad thing that happened in her life. When I was 14, she told me I couldnt have boys over to sit in the family room, they had to go in my bedroom with the door shut. She also said I should have sex with them. She bore a hole in the coat closet so she could watch while this took place. She threatened me constantly with sending me to jail.

    That is a bad mother....and I still didnt leave her. It did take me until I was in my mid 30's to get the strength to cut my ties down to only visiting on holidays. Because I am an only child I ended up having to take care of her when she ended up with alzheimers in her 70's. Her most fervent wish for me was for me to grow up and become homeless and live under a bridge. When I got a pretty good job, she called just about everyone she could to tell them just how horrible I was. Thankfully no one listened. And when I say everyone, I am talking about everyone from the President of the US all the way down to the Director of the agency I worked for. I still have some of the letters she wrote. They did hurt me horribly.

    I have to say that some of her parenting techniques did rub off on me because I had no other role model. I am an only child and my kids father's mother is dead. I did see families on TV shows and I knew I wanted to be more like them but they really arent "real" families. I did my best but I also had hard kids. I made some horrible mistakes and I later found out I had bipolar. Thankfully my kids had a really good father to sort of even out when I went off the wall.

    My kids have forgiven me for my issues when they were younger. Actually they think we had a pretty good life back then even if I did yell a lot.

    Your daughter has nothing to complain about. Parents arent perfect and kids dont get to expect they will be. I actually miss my mom now that she is gone. At least you are still around.

    Star has a point. You are alive and healthy. Put your daughter on the back burner for now and think about you for now. Of course you wont just forget her but you can take 15 minutes a day to worry about her then put that in a box in your mind...or even really write it down and put it in a real box..then go about your day. Find something to make you smile. Learn something new. Go see something you have always wanted to see. Read a good book. Make a garden.

    As far as court, I dont think you need a lawyer. Print out all those facebook pages and take them with you. That should show the judge what you are dealing with. Your daughter is confessing to assault and battery right out there in the open. They could arrest her in the courtroom if they so desired. As far as her personal items, take them with you to court and ask the bailiff to hand them over to them. Be done with them. Dont have anymore contact with them at all. Its over for now.

    You simply have to let this be.
  11. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    (Oh, God,Janet. I am so sorry)


    Janet is spot on about going to court. Take the documentation. When questioned, answer ONLY the question. If they grant an RO (and, frankly, I think you should have one against HER), accept and obey it.

    You have two other kids. Use your energy to work on your own life so you can be there for them. It doesn't mean you don't love your estranged daughter, but it does mean you love her enough to accept her choices.

    In the parable of the prodigal son, the father does not go looking for the son. He does not try to stop the son's foolish behavior. But, when the son sees the ight and returns, the father shows him unconditional love.

    Just remember that unconditional love does not tolerate abuse.

  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Dotty -

    I don't know WHY _ (and I mean this seriously) WHY you would explain how your husband has been treating you - and them NOT agree to talk to you. He flat out told you he feels you should have divorced long ago - he gives you NO support in your home, sides with your ABUSIVE daughter and the crisis center you called said you did NOT BELONG THERE? THEY HAD NO HELP FOR YOU? THEY HAD NO OTHER RESOURCES to point you to for having NO MONEY? THEY Did NOT suggest anything to you - just flat turned you out in the cold and said - GHEE lady - you're on your own? REALLY? I'd love to have their number, and make the same call with the same information. THAT IS NOT SERVING THE NEEDS OF THE PUBLIC......THEY ARE THERE - TO HELP - NOT TO TURN A BLIND EYE. YOUR DAUGHTER BEAT YOU. THAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. AND yet these people said - NO(PE - nah - YOu're calling the wrong place (by the way - sorry about the wrong number I got it off a plaque with several other national numbers I have here for help)

    OKay - well - then......

    COUNTY MENTAL HEALTH - all county mental health agencies have a sliding scale fee based therapy national program.

    UNITED WAY - in EVERY TOWN - has some type of referal service -

    MOST - CATHOLIC CHARITIES , LUTHERAN CHURCH or BAPTIST CHURCH HOSPITALS - have referrals (even if you arent religious or of that faith)

    In the front of your phone book - or in the blue section of your phone book there should be CRISIS hotlines - and THEY should be able to give you PLENTY of referrals for youir area.

    Really - I'll call that DVS for you - that's absurd.
  13. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Yep Star. That's what they told me. They asked if I was in a situation where I felt threatened or where my life was threatened. I told them no not really and she told me that it was a domestic violence line that provides shelter, etc. and a safehouse for victims to have a safe place to stay. She gave me the Crisis Center Hotline in my area, and they told me the same things and that my needs would be better met at another agency and gave me the number of a NAMI in my area, which I called immediately. They were closed :( Didn't get a chance to call there today. I was surprised too. Didn't expect to feel like such an idiot like I called the wrong number. I will look into the other phone numbers. I have already called and spoke to my priest about the situation, and there is a priest in our parish who has a psychiatric degree so I will be talking with him soon too. That's all for now. Thanks again guys :) Day three of no contact...well since early Monday, so that's a start :)
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well I guess they have their protocol------and limited resources. What a lovely agency. HOWEVER - since they've directed you to NAMI - I would keep a record of times and dates and names of all these places you've called and SHOW the judge that you've tried to get help and counseling. AS WELL AS the FB pages that Janet suggested to print out - which is an excellent idea - and perhaps the judge would have an idea of better resources for you. NAMI would be a good place to call and of course your priest is another excellent resource.

    I don't understand why you would feel like an idiot. Do you realize how brave, courageous and strong you have to be to be hurting like you are and obviously getting (yet more suggestions that turn out to be leads not help) and I can see where you would feel like it's more rejection but it's not - it's just a path to wellness.......and YOU on your OWN have kept going despite feeling like you do? To me? That's not an idiot. That's a very smart person that is able to put aside a lot of emotional trauma and baggage, keep going, and says "I don't care what you throw in my way this time.......I AM GOING TO FIX MYSELF - because I see the prize at the end and NO ONE is keeping me from it.......NO ONE." You're a regular Mother bear girl. GOOD FOR YOU. And you are the one that kept saying you thought you were a bad Mom? Phooey. You have determination and drive and eventually? I'm telling you, this is all going to seem like one bad dream, which YOU wake from and think - WHAT was I doing wanting to stay there, trying to do THAT? I feel so much better. And I did it on my OWN.

    That's not the mark of an idiot - that's the mark of a smart person wanting to make herself smarter. in my humble opinion

    KEEP TRYING! I haven't met the person you're fighting for? But even the one I know now? I think is very special. :flirtysmile3:
  15. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thanks Star, but it still doesn't change the fact that my daughter hates me and texted her dad today that she wants to stay away from our f....d up family and there is really no point in her meeting with her dad because she is going through with the court case with Bozo.....I just don't see the prize at the end of the rainbow. Sure I can work on me and being able to live without her in my life, but it doesn't change the fact that she chose not to be in my life. It doesn't change the fact that there will always be this HUGE hold in my heart. And the fact that we never even got to discuss it or communicate about it. No one is guaranteed tomorrows and if either of us die tomorrow, I hate the way things are and the way they have been left. There's just so much I want to tell her, so much I want to talk to her about what went wrong and why we are here. I don't understand how she can turn her back on her entire family for a boy who such trash :( I just don't believe she will ever forgive me, or want me in her life again because I saw the hatred in her eyes just before she punched me in the face. I can't help but feel I'm the parent and I was supposed to be better and now allow this to happen and because it has it's all my fault. If I had only accepted this loser and pretended to like him or accept her choices, who knows...they may have been over. Now my stubborn daughter will marry him just to spite me and try to prove a point. That's just who she is, unfortunately, but I didn't make her that way. Keep me in your prayers. Even if I fix me, she'll never give me the chance to prove I've changed and am willing to be the mom she wanted. I don't think anyone could be what she wanted because a perfect parent doesn't exist. I see the mothers who have good loving relationships with their daughters and I can't help but feel like a failure. Fixing me might be good for me, but it won't change what is, and it certainly won't make my daughter like me any. God bless all of you, and thanks for your support.
  16. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Dotty your looking behind you again, not quite ready for that yet.

    I'm sorry you got such a run around on the phone did you have any luck reaching NAMI today? Anything you can line up before court will help you, also take a record of everywhere you called etc. looking for help.

    The facebook pages should help tell your side of the story to the judge, we will have to start another thread for the whooping & hollering we are all gonna do if your daughter gave you the ammo you need to get that PPO thrown out.

    facing forward? I know you are doing your best Dotty if haven't gotten anyone at NAMI yet I would try again tomorrow and if still nothing call whoever referred you to them.
  17. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    You say that working on you won't change the fact that your daughter currently hates you. True. But working on you will help you to be stronger for a future relationship with her.

    Obsessing about her hatred you now won't change anything either.

    You can't change her.

    Only you.

  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure why you're so invested in someone who's not at all invested in you.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    There is a point -----in an abused persons mind. That after a period of time because you've been so defeated about so many other things in your life, that you refuse to let go of one thing. For you it's your daughter. See I don't know you, will probably never meet you, but between the lines of what you write? You sound so sad, and defeated about so many events in your life, and as you talk about some of them - whether you realize it or not? They are major life events that you have received NO support on -ever. WHY WOULDN"T you feel like you do? And those are only the things that you've offered to share with us. You have a husband that has said some very hurtful things, and a marriage that isn't really a marriage - so who hugs you when you are upset? Who tells you you're beautiful every day and twice on Sunday? I'd gather some financial strain and the stress that goes with that - and again - NO support system - you just svck it up. Then your children (guessing) are leaving your nest, your home - and that's hard, very hard. And one of them you have unresolved issues with, and those issues? YOU want fixed now because your brain has said - "DOT YOU MUST FIX THESE NOW - an if you do it will be ONE thing done. OR IF YOU LOOSE THIS? It's the last thing that you're hanging on to - you've lost everything else - and when that goes? So does your sanity. - you've lost your husband, your children are gone, you're home is going, your sister is mean, you have no support system, no one hugs you - you don't even LIKE yourself - but you can fix this one thing - I know you can - find your daughter and MAKE her listen, BEND her to your will (because you know how well that worked before right?) yeah .......give that another shot. So you are NOT really hanging onto her and your relationship because it's such a good relationship that can be REPAIRED, FIXED and fill the hole in your heart....but you're hanging ON TO the IDEA......that you can't loose one more thing in your life - or have ONE MORE disappointment by yourself - or you think maybe you'll snap. and maybe.????? Maybe you will. Maybe in the back of your mind you've said - Lord if I loose my daughter? That's it for me. I'm done. I'm gone - I'm --------

    And you know - While you're sitting there thinking I know nothing of your world - I know that the only POSITIVE thing you've mentioned in a month of sundays about yourself is that you escape to work - thank goodness you have work. Every other single thing in your entire space - has had some critical remark about it....not been right. And to me? Thats not so much about them? That's about MYSELF. In all honestly Dot - You (and here I am being blunt but understand I've been here - and done this - and it was harder than anything I ever had to admit) YOU ......don't like yourself. So while you're sitting there trying to figure out why your daughter should want a relationship with you - ask yourself WHY YOU don't want a relationship with you. What was the last thing you did for fun? That you laughed and laughed and had a good time doing - alone. That you praised YOURSELF and felt good about - so good about that you shared it with others you knew? Or felt so good about yourself that you RANDOMLY helped people without thinking about your own sorrows and troubles first. Or considered others sorrows and troubles first - or prayed? OR forgave yourself for not being everything you set yourself out to be as a perfectionist? Because perfect people don't exist.

    The reason behind therapy - and fixing yourself? Is to find contentment within your own self, and peace within your own soul.......and calm and understanding about what makes you the way you are - WHY do you do the things you do - WHY is it SO DADBLAMED IMPORTANT THAT YOU HANG ON TO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN THAT PUNCHES YOU IN THE FACE? If I came to you, and punched you in the face? Would you want to keep being friends? Why not? Because it's wrong. No matter who it is punching you in the face/ it is wrong - and until you can say that and mean it - YOU NEED to stay in therapy and figure out why you can't say that.

    And you don't have a crystal ball for goodness sakes. So stop doing all of this NEGATIVE PROJECTING. I'll challenge you -
    EVERY DAY - EVERY TIME YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE THOUGHT _ WRITE IT ON A SLIP OF PAPER.....and put it in a drawer or box. KEEP IT - SEVEN DAYS. EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT THAT IS BAD......AND eevery thought that is good - write that too - and keep that - and put it somewhere -
    At the end of the week - LOOK Over all the bad thoughts and then look at the good thoughts - THROW out the bad thoughts ------in the trash can, but KEEP the good ones. Try it for one week .........

    Negative projecting is when you say things like -
    I bet she'll marry bozo.
    I know she'll hate me forever
    I don't see the prize at the end of the rainbow. WELL FOR PITY SAkE - GOsh gal just how long have you been in therapy? Not even started? Grrrrrrrrrr. KNOCK IT OFF already. Lets get into therapy for about hmm leem see -------I went 15 years and still had thoughts like that at 7 years - so yeah ------I'll back off that - If you're still saying things like that to us in 8 years.......I guess that' pretty normal. LOL. Sigh.....I'm so glad I did therapy. I feel so great that I can tell you I would never EVER EVER EVER EVER ever....evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr see myself again taking one ounce of ka ka from anyone -----and if you didn't want me? Boy - fine. Don't let the door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha. I have too many good things to do with my short time on earth to have baby mama drama. Honestly - and to sit around again and WASTE....(catch that word) precious time - waiting on a man that beat, and tortured me........???????? OH what a complete and utter, absolute moron I was. HE didn't change. EVER.......never. I got on with my life, continued therapy. Raised my son best I could.......left EVERYTHING I owned behind....had no job, no money. We slept in our van, and had a crazy person who wanted to KILL US after us for years. Didn't get child support.....and lived hand to mouth with second hand everything ------but everything we had was ours, and no one beat on me, no one tortured me or my son. No one SCREAMED at me, belittled me, made me feel insignificant, worthless, pathetic, immoral.....I wasn't neurotic with fear..I wasn't being shot at, stabbed.....I slept, no one broke my bones, put me in the hospital, did insane things to me...and my son. But when I was IN IT? I LIVED and DIED to STAY IN IT. YOu couldn't pry me away from it. I HAD to stay there I HAD to fix it.....I was the ONLY ONE who could fix it......AND I wasn't going to let go of that ONE LAST thing in my life - because I had no self esteem, no self worth.......I was nothing. But I could fix.....this....US. I could - watch me - I could.....I will. And for a year after I left? I left a line of communication open - for him to change - I knew if I left - he'd be SOOOOOOO sorry - he'd miss us, he'd regret it....he'd jump through hoops and go to therapy, rehab....stop seeing other women, stop drinking......get us a place to live, provide food, get a job...not make me work with the baby......But instead......He chased us down, threatened people we knew.....and we lived in fear for years. It's been 17 years....and I still have a panic alarm - 17 years. 15 years in straight thearapy and EMDR (hypno) therapy. - BUT NOT ALL OF THAT THERAPY - was because of THAT, OR HIM......most of the reason that it GOT to that point? Why I made poor decisions that GOT me to him? Were because of my childhood (and I had a great one but I had some issues I didn't even know I had, which spiraled into bigger issues - I dind't even know I had.....and changed the way I thought about things.......and changed ME - and the way I choose things, people...decisions I made. and LED me to .....HIM. And why I stayed married to a psychopath. I didn't like the abuse I can tell you that much. I just wasn't going to give up - one. more. thing. And it was harder than hell - to admit that while he was the one that was screaming, and beating and doing drugs and being abusive, and not loving me - and everything else - that the one that needed FIXED......after I LEFT? WAS ME. It was like a total, utter, collassal slap in the face after evertything else. I didn't cheat on him, I didn't steal the babys formula and diaper money to do crack, I worked three jobs, I kept a spotless house, and it was ME that had problems - ME that heeded a freaking shrink? LOVELY - thanks for that. So I went - and I hated it. I didn't need to be there I was sure. I sat all tense and angry. I gave short answers - and then I ended up talking for an hour and a half..just to prove I dind't need to be there. See I couldn't cry - I wasn't allowed to cry or I got beat. Bad. So As I'm talking to the shrink...Im just brassy and whatever talk.....and no emotion. I was not a caring person - I'wasn't a compassionate person. That could have gotten me killed - I was really hard. You think I'm blunt now? BOY .......oh boy. But eventually - I got a little bit more relaxed, and it came a little bit easier, and I switched therapists, and found ones that suited my tastes....and when I couldn't afford it/ I talked theminto cleaning the office for 30 minuts a week. I begged - I begged them. Then I found a great guy - and stuck with him for 7 years. I'd go to see him in a minute. And I advocate therapy for anyone that is stressed or can't talk about it is embarrassed about it - (shrug) I just don't see the stigma in it. It's help - Guys can't fix a car they go to a mechanic. Can you imagine a man - sneaking behind the garage because he's embarrassed he doesn't know how to fix the engine of a car? Well - just because you don't know how to fix your brain - why is that so big a deal? Ask anyone here - I'm a nut. A loving nut - BUT happy, and caring, and I wouldn't be any of those things - NOR would I be a great example for my son to follow -----and for him to come to me when HE needs advice.......IF I had not gotten myself right in the head. Because I certainly wasn't right allowing people to abuse me. And degrade me, and talk down to me ------and ignore me, and cheat on me, and be mean to maam. If you don't want my company? No problem. YOU are the one that's missing out on something FANNNNNNNNNNN tastic. (cause I'm a wonderful, loving, kind, smart caring person) and I believe that. And I want you to get to that level too - because you only get healthier and happier -

    THAT is what I'm talking about -
    My life story - is wild one would believe it if I told you - (cue Star Trek Music) so I let it out in blurbs.....BUT
    I mean what I say here Dot -
    YOUR THINKING IS STINKIN' and the only one that can change that is you - NO MATTER HOW many good things I say to you - about you - THAT I SINCERELY MEAN.

  20. dotty

    dotty New Member

    You r spot on Star. I don't have anyone to hug me or give me support and I do feel so unwanted so unloved so I figure it just must be me. I even went to my husband and asked if we cd seek counseling to help us. He said no too late doesn't love me and Hes sorry. My kids are grown with lives of their own. Even the two that still live at home don't want to b part of my pity party and don't want to hear about their sister...bc she's gone.

    I do need to talk with someone. My life is not what I'd hope it wd b ay my age. I have an unhappy marriage financial pressures and no support noone to talk to or give me hugs. Everyone needs to feel Love and appreciation. I dont remember Tue last time I laughed or had a good time....its been that long.

    I have an apptmt next week w a psychiatrist who will prolly prescribe medications to take the edge off but medications won't fix me right? Where can I talk to someone where it don't cost a lot. I don't have money to spare...truly that's an issue for me but I want to b happy and at least content.

    As for my daughter and all my kids, i just expected their Love and friendship forever I guess. I assumed we shd have this mother kid bond and they'd b there for me like I was always for them. Not happening. They prolly think I'm pathetic...theyv told me that actually...

    Yep I wanted to fix things with my daughter, even my husband but I know u can't make someone love u. I have no thoughts of ending my life but i often feel sad when I think that if I died who wd really even care. That noone wd really miss me because I don't have a strong relationship with any of my kids or the man iv neen married to for 26 years. Iv only known this life. No matter what. The fact that it wasn't the best marriage or happiest time its all I knew. The unknown can b so much scarier than the unknown.

    I needed a friend. My daughters 22 almost and I wanted her in my life as a compassionate friend Where we cd b there for each other. Mothers and daughters r supposed to b like that right? They r supppsed to have tlhat special bond not side with a loser boyfriend who wants to destroy u. That's my life and yes it sux. I'm trying to fix everything but can't fix anything at all. So this is my after day...alone with a houseful of people. Sad i know.

    Havent contacted my daughter in 5 days! Still fight everyday not to text her to make her feel guilty about how she treats me but never got response anyway. Court Monday. Wish me luck. Thanks for ur prayers. Hugs to all of you.