Hi Dotty,
I am crying some right now because I miss my daughter. She has a wonderful boyfriend that is upstanding in every way. BUT, he is a type of person who is kind of reclusive, and want s to be alone with my daughter. Consequently, I think he finds things to object to that aren't of any real value. They want to be in their cocoon. At least I know she is healthy and safe. It hurts deeply to feel seperated from her. I started seeing a therapist last friday to help me with my anger and reactions. It is not easy. For what ever reason, my daughter seems to be in the drivers seat. I have to accept that or not have her at all.
Part of the reason I am telling you what I know about how our behavior can either cause us to lose or win is because I know your therapist will tell you this, and therapy takes a long time to settle into our minds. I am only trying to expidite it a little for you so it may be able to help now instead of later. It is much easier said than done. Frankly, I wonder about some mothers who can just say, ok, I'll just focus on me. That is the main reason I am writing to you. Sometimes people aren't as good at explaining things as they want to be. Clipped, quick blanket statements like "let go" are offensive to me. It's just to over simplified. Life is a process.
The medications aren't working because you are shaken to the core. Your primal bond with your daughter makes you inconsolable. Maybe the medications will help you sleep at least. Maybe when you think of her you can get a picture of her and visualize a heart encircling her. You need to love her. Whoever thought you would have to live on memories, right? You have to create another way of expressing your love for her. I think you are grieving now. I am not trying to reinforce your pain. I just know how it feels.
I have a lot of experience in dealing with various personality types form my job, and I study psychology and personality on a regular basis. I certainly am no expert, but I have gained a working knowledge of how some people tic. This young man (Bozo), is a narcissist. Every thing is about him. He probably has a variety of personality disorders to treat you the way he has. He is ultra-defensive, to the point where he has become vindictive toward you. I guess that's obvious. He is a character who is no stranger to street-wise revenge. This being the make up of his personality may well become his downfall. People like this usually wind up destroying their relationships eventually. The other factor here is that your daughter is what is called "enthrall" to him. A person in a state of enthrallment loses their judgement and surrenders their will to that of another. The spell may indeed break one day, but it may take time for that to happen. The reason to get composure and remain calm is not to scold you at all. It is a strategy that will take away the foundation of his targeting you and framing you. Unfortunately, once accused, and then having certain people buying into it, it sticks you with the burden of proving them wrong. Your daughter will associate all the past incidents between you and her, and you and Bozo to the clamis he makes, and this will just convince her that you are wrong. Even though they are wrong, it falls to you to prove them wrong. How awful that is, I know. He is very depraved to view things as he does. Your daughter sounds as if she has self-esteem issues. Unfortunately, from what I think about this guys personality, he probably will start devaluing your daughter. Valuation followed by devaluation is a pattern in relationships with people like this. I think when she starts asserting herself he is not going to be able to handle it. He needs to control. The sense of control he gives her now will probably wane once she matures some. We can only hope. You might keep a journal documenting all of his lies and fake texts, etc. I would. It may come in handy one day. You may be able, some day to say to your daughter, yes, I have reacted in such and such a way, but I did not do the following, and tell her what is fabricated by him.
Your husband may be denying you support from resentment he has inside. That's a shame. They seem to be reveling in the "us and them" mentality, with you being the "them".
If you want your daughter to come home, you would have to ask her precisely what it is that she would have changed in order to come home, and then do it. You'd have to stop criticizing Bozo. Not pressure her or critisize her. But the problem with all this is that she would have to be reasonable and do her part, too. She would have to be willing to try to get along. I'm not sure she can do that. I think you would have to come to an agreement that both parties respect. She's gotten the upper hand. At least that's how she sees it. She doesn't want to be "mothered" by you right now. I am just talking. I really don't have any solid advise. Since she is doing so well academically, maybe she will start to use her head and dump this guy. She is still growing at her age (I guess we all are). It can be surprising how people can wake up and realize the truth. Maybe send a gift telling her how proud of her, if that is allowed.
The only positive thing here might be this. I've heard it said many times by shrinks that a child pulling away and wanting to establish their own life is a sign that the parents did things right. Frankly, this is about the only thing that gives me comfort sometimes. But the thing is, I have been through some of these challenges, and by now know the things I have done that push her away. I now see that I was a very dynamic woman who was always in a hurry, as single parents are, and she got kind of squashed from it. Things worked out so she felt oppressed by me as she got older. I think she still does and may always. I have to live with how I raised her, and I admit frequently to her that I made mistakes and I apologize for it. That is what makes me willing to modify my behavior to keep her. I'm not sure that is fair to me, but I have to make that choice and I have. I have never had to deal with a boyfriend like your daughter has, though. Your husband's job, as a father, was to give your daughter an example of the type of man she would grow up to want. I think her future has a lot to do with that. I think he needs to see you doing things for yourself, too. It gets people curiousity and respect going when they wonder what you are up to. It might have to be faked at first, but if you want to chnage people's perceptions, you can do it with a little strategy. Now him I could let go of!
People are controlled by their perceptions. You are in more control of their perceptions than you realize. There are support groups that people go to in person. Have you ever checked into Meetup.com? They have just about every type of group you can think of. Here's another secret: instead of telling people how disappopinted you are in them, simply imply it. No longer emote to them. Simply say, I'm going to my support group, see you later! Bingo! You have allies in their eyes. Their perceptions of you will change right there. You might not even feel up to going at first, but I think things will shift in your favor if you do. Join another group type of activity. You automatically have something they can't touch. Viewing your independence has a great affect on people. And your friend all know your "not like that", so it's good for you.
One other thing I am trying to do is to say to myself that I cannot just "let go" of my daughter. But, maybe I can create an alternate, parallel world for myself and the two can exist side by side instead of being completely consumed by my anxiety. A duality, if you will. That way I don't feel as bad as I would. I am so down now that I hardly feel like functioning. Nothing hurts me like being distanced from my daughter. Nothing. But since suicide has been ruled out, I will force myself to put one foot in front of the other. I blew up at her and now I have to wait for her to come back. So, we are comiserating.
I cope with missing my daughter by having almost a shrine to her where I can look fondly at pictures and think of the good life we had. Photos keep her close to me.
I see that you can't communicate through him, but can you send a card to her? The order says no contact with him, but does that mean no contact with her? If you aren't sure, or need to clarify, I would call the local police precinct and speak with an officer. I have found that some police can be very helpful and even sympathetic. If you get a cold fish on the phone, call back. Or call another precinct until you get someone who will listen to you for a few minutes. Tell them you are desperate (calmly) to contact your daughter, do they have any suggestions that are legal. I would find it hard not to want to destroy him, personally. But the coward is hiding behind your daughter.
Well, I just had some time and thought I would write again. I resonate with your pain, and I realize that you are in shock over this. I have returned to doing something I used to do a lot, but stopped doing. I have been walking in the parks and being in nature almost everyday. It is my medicine. When I am there, everything seems ok, at least for a little while. Returning to this has been wonderful and painful, as in the past i was not alone. I am going it alone now, but it's not so bad. I am planning to join a church or another group soon. I love being social and it will help my pain, I think.
Bye for now, Dotty. Write whenever you want. I'll be checking the site.
Hugs!
Lea
