Star*
call 911........call 911
Dear dot -
The wall that you've put up around yourself? It's the reason you feel so isolated. The relationships that you want with your daughters, your son, your husband? Are relationships that you may get back honestly before you think so, before you die, or never. That's a hard, hard reality to face at such a young age of 52. I know it all seems so hopeless, desperate and self-defeating to continue to go on at this point because you just kind of sit down and go "WHY the #*$)( should i keep going it really hasn't done me a blinkin bit of good this far?" and then you just sit there and maybe you cry, or maybe you rage and recount all the memories in your head about relationships and family and failed attempts at what seems like everything in our lives. When we think in terms of depression we tend to think in losses and years. It rarely occurs to us to consider all the things that are blessings and keep those in the forefronts of our minds because we get hyperfocused on the things that we lost, couldn't hang on to, our so-called failures. We feel worse about those than we do the good things because it's easier to (as you say -have a pity party) because when we have a pity party we get more of a consoling batch of attention in the beginning from the people we love and it gets addicting. When we win - it's a short lived high. If you think about it - no one every killed someone with an overdose of happiness. Take Munchausens by proxy - the people get hooked on the attention - negative attention. Its very much like an overdose from a pity party. It's just out of control.
Depression is like that and can turn so many different ways in our heads and alter our chemical states that eventually we're so confused we're really not ourselves and....there in lies the changes in our behaviors. How we begin to treat ourselves - we stop taking good care of ourselves. Stop eating right, stop exercising right, stop caring about, or trying. Or, how we speak to others, how we think, how we REACT to others, and their behaviors. So eventually even we are saying and doing things that after an encounter when we step away from it - We're like "WOW what just happened? What was THAT? Why did I behave like THAT? I'd better get myself in check!" Granted some of these things can be from accidents, or because of health issues that we have no control over, but who we surround ourselves with, how we allow ourselves to be treated, what we will and will not tolerate (where we draw our line in the sand or take a stand and mean it in conjunction to YOU WILL NOT treat me this way and mean it) ? It's never too late to change that. And it's never too late to change yourself. It's also never too late to ask a higher power for a little assistance. Or in my case - (chuckles ) a LOT. I figured for years he just didn't hear me - truth is - I wasn't listening.
And that wall I was talking about? Well metaphorically speaking? Every time someone did something TO me? I'd get a brick and lay it down. Say something ugly? I never told you that hurt.....lay a brick. Treat me badly? I never told you it wasn't kind. Lay a brick. Beat me, slap me, punch me? Keep my mouth shut and not fill out a police report. Brick, brick brick. Take a position at work I deserve? I didn't fight for it - I just got depressed, and sullen. Brick. Called me names behind my back? Brick. Laughed at my ideas instead of sharing my thoughts and making me feel special? Brick. Not inviting me to lunch when everyone in the office was walking out? When it would have been just as easy to include me too? Brick. Being cliquey because you have money and I don't? Brick. Telling gossipy lies about me and letting me sit there and deliberately trying to hurt my reputation at the office? Brick. Taking my son from me and telling him I was dead? Brick. Having affairs on me behind my back our entire marriage - and I went back to you? Brick. Moving, packing the house, selling almost eveyrhing I had, giving up my job, driving a truck over 3 states -taking you back for the umpteenth time and driving 10 hours to pull in the yard and meet your girlfriend pulling in to take you on a date? LAST BRICK!
And with the last brick? Comes me standing on my toes to try and put that brick in place....and instead of me straining to put it up on top of my wall to give every0one else the benefit of the doubt and keep myself from falling to pieces so I could stay there - with you and be strong behind the facade of make believe that I'm stoic? That brick - the last one? It fell and hit my head and knocked some bloody sense into me and I literally blew that wall to smitherines. And when I did? WHAT an epiphany dot......I felt like I was so free, so light, so lifted..but I was NO WHERE near......NO WHERE NEAR ------fixed,. It was just the beginning of a 15 year very hard, very needed beginning of the trail of my life - with therapists and I felt EXACTLY like you do. I'm too old to start over - MY LIFE? Is nearly over. I'll never have it back - it's gone.
Well maybe think of it like this. Because I know a few people that have lived well into their 90s and are in very good health. I also know that I have buried two sons both at age 18 - and they didn't even get to start living or experience any of the life I had hoped for them. So listen up Ms. I'm 52 and my life is shot. Mk? Ok. At 52 if you live let's say .....Thirty more years...Na scratch that.....Lets say you live 40 more years. BEcause it's possible that you could live to be 90 - you sound scrappy to me. So you are going to estimate you'll live to be 92. The next 20 years? COULD BE the best of your life. I mean My Mom is like (cant say her real age or she would kill me) but 7?) years old and she dances six hours straight twice a week and wants MORE - no joke. I can't keep up the woman is a machine. She started doing this in her 50's (OH what did I say - her 50's) gosh dot---what age are you? Hmmmm. Okay so maybe you have two left feet. Hate dancing wtih the stars and have no desire to dance. (me either) ten years of classical ballet and I just fall more gracefully. BUT what if - you did like dancing - and while you're going through therapy - you take up the cha cha and tango? So 52, carry the one......and you're in therapy now 5 years and you are at that point where yup short term goal by the time you are 60 you go to your first USABDA (amateur ball room trophy thing) big prize.....and you are now I think you go from bronze to silver, then gold status.....so in eight years you are learning to love yourself, untangling your mind and TANGLING with your dance partner? NOT a bad mental picture huh? And you win a trophy? And you have a sexy body ta boot - and trust me - a lot of those girls out there have very rotund figures and are over 250 lb. Dancing is for everyone. Hate dancing? Take up pottery. Make a vase - but whatever you do? TRY....not good at it? Get a different hobby......but set short term goals and long term goals......and get out and meet people.....because whle you're fixing yourself - you're going to like yourself more, and the depression will shed......and as that happens? Every layer that you put on over the years will COME OFF....be gone - and never come back because you learn HOW with tools to make sure it never does. Right now? You just don't know the tools and procedures for KEEPING IT OFF.
Once you learn and recognize it & how to turn to the crud and say _----------STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE _---------------BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART!!!!!!!!!! and then turn to the mirror and go "OH GIRL YOU BLEW THAT DARK CLOUD OFF GOOOOOOOOOOOOD! You are AWESOME. MMMMMM MMMMMMM - I LOVE ME. yeah! (and some days you won't be that happy with yourself) but the days you are? You just store it up for the days you aren't and thank God there's Welbutrin....lol. No shame in that.
Youre on the right path. And you have to know at this point? Even though I've never met you? I see great things in you!!!!!!! I see your pain, I recognize it.....and there isn't another here NOT ONE SINGLE OTHER MEMBER that doesn't "GET" what you're saying or how you're trying to "back door" the event with - BUT IF I COULD ONLY - BUT YOU SEE ITS LIKE THIS -WELL YOU DON"T GET IT - I HAVE TO........NO NO NO _ NO ONE UNDERSTANDS...I MUST .......(I will promise you this if nothing else) If you stick with the therapy, and you commit faithfully, do the work, and find a therapist that you click with - really like, trust and build a relationship with - and find the right medications - and that takes time....so don't get disouraged....and don't make the mistake of going to three sessions and coming out going - BLAH TA DAH IM CURED.......and now I AM CURED AND I'M GOING TO DO IT MY WAY - or come back here and tell us (the knowing) WELL MY THERAPIST SAID _ GO RUN DOT GO SEE YOUR DAUGHTER...(cuz we know better - and we've had a few over the years come here and pull that bologna too) Then I will promise you the you will feel better, be happier and once you can say I really LOVE myself and forgive myself/ THEN things start to happen with others - and your behavior and your aura and your personality become infectious - and those that are around you that don't get you? Won't bother you and you'll have an understanding of why and it won't hurt and you'll accept it and move on.
Good luck in court.......be strong. I'll be thinking of you....Prayers are free - Hugs are free - The work will cost you - but I have the utmost confidence in you that you will succeed.
HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGS HUGE HUGE HUGS. AND LOVE - LOADS AND LOADS OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
If I were there I'd give you a big one in person - really, really - and so would everyone here - (I have a feeling they're a huggy group)
Star
The wall that you've put up around yourself? It's the reason you feel so isolated. The relationships that you want with your daughters, your son, your husband? Are relationships that you may get back honestly before you think so, before you die, or never. That's a hard, hard reality to face at such a young age of 52. I know it all seems so hopeless, desperate and self-defeating to continue to go on at this point because you just kind of sit down and go "WHY the #*$)( should i keep going it really hasn't done me a blinkin bit of good this far?" and then you just sit there and maybe you cry, or maybe you rage and recount all the memories in your head about relationships and family and failed attempts at what seems like everything in our lives. When we think in terms of depression we tend to think in losses and years. It rarely occurs to us to consider all the things that are blessings and keep those in the forefronts of our minds because we get hyperfocused on the things that we lost, couldn't hang on to, our so-called failures. We feel worse about those than we do the good things because it's easier to (as you say -have a pity party) because when we have a pity party we get more of a consoling batch of attention in the beginning from the people we love and it gets addicting. When we win - it's a short lived high. If you think about it - no one every killed someone with an overdose of happiness. Take Munchausens by proxy - the people get hooked on the attention - negative attention. Its very much like an overdose from a pity party. It's just out of control.
Depression is like that and can turn so many different ways in our heads and alter our chemical states that eventually we're so confused we're really not ourselves and....there in lies the changes in our behaviors. How we begin to treat ourselves - we stop taking good care of ourselves. Stop eating right, stop exercising right, stop caring about, or trying. Or, how we speak to others, how we think, how we REACT to others, and their behaviors. So eventually even we are saying and doing things that after an encounter when we step away from it - We're like "WOW what just happened? What was THAT? Why did I behave like THAT? I'd better get myself in check!" Granted some of these things can be from accidents, or because of health issues that we have no control over, but who we surround ourselves with, how we allow ourselves to be treated, what we will and will not tolerate (where we draw our line in the sand or take a stand and mean it in conjunction to YOU WILL NOT treat me this way and mean it) ? It's never too late to change that. And it's never too late to change yourself. It's also never too late to ask a higher power for a little assistance. Or in my case - (chuckles ) a LOT. I figured for years he just didn't hear me - truth is - I wasn't listening.
And that wall I was talking about? Well metaphorically speaking? Every time someone did something TO me? I'd get a brick and lay it down. Say something ugly? I never told you that hurt.....lay a brick. Treat me badly? I never told you it wasn't kind. Lay a brick. Beat me, slap me, punch me? Keep my mouth shut and not fill out a police report. Brick, brick brick. Take a position at work I deserve? I didn't fight for it - I just got depressed, and sullen. Brick. Called me names behind my back? Brick. Laughed at my ideas instead of sharing my thoughts and making me feel special? Brick. Not inviting me to lunch when everyone in the office was walking out? When it would have been just as easy to include me too? Brick. Being cliquey because you have money and I don't? Brick. Telling gossipy lies about me and letting me sit there and deliberately trying to hurt my reputation at the office? Brick. Taking my son from me and telling him I was dead? Brick. Having affairs on me behind my back our entire marriage - and I went back to you? Brick. Moving, packing the house, selling almost eveyrhing I had, giving up my job, driving a truck over 3 states -taking you back for the umpteenth time and driving 10 hours to pull in the yard and meet your girlfriend pulling in to take you on a date? LAST BRICK!
And with the last brick? Comes me standing on my toes to try and put that brick in place....and instead of me straining to put it up on top of my wall to give every0one else the benefit of the doubt and keep myself from falling to pieces so I could stay there - with you and be strong behind the facade of make believe that I'm stoic? That brick - the last one? It fell and hit my head and knocked some bloody sense into me and I literally blew that wall to smitherines. And when I did? WHAT an epiphany dot......I felt like I was so free, so light, so lifted..but I was NO WHERE near......NO WHERE NEAR ------fixed,. It was just the beginning of a 15 year very hard, very needed beginning of the trail of my life - with therapists and I felt EXACTLY like you do. I'm too old to start over - MY LIFE? Is nearly over. I'll never have it back - it's gone.
Well maybe think of it like this. Because I know a few people that have lived well into their 90s and are in very good health. I also know that I have buried two sons both at age 18 - and they didn't even get to start living or experience any of the life I had hoped for them. So listen up Ms. I'm 52 and my life is shot. Mk? Ok. At 52 if you live let's say .....Thirty more years...Na scratch that.....Lets say you live 40 more years. BEcause it's possible that you could live to be 90 - you sound scrappy to me. So you are going to estimate you'll live to be 92. The next 20 years? COULD BE the best of your life. I mean My Mom is like (cant say her real age or she would kill me) but 7?) years old and she dances six hours straight twice a week and wants MORE - no joke. I can't keep up the woman is a machine. She started doing this in her 50's (OH what did I say - her 50's) gosh dot---what age are you? Hmmmm. Okay so maybe you have two left feet. Hate dancing wtih the stars and have no desire to dance. (me either) ten years of classical ballet and I just fall more gracefully. BUT what if - you did like dancing - and while you're going through therapy - you take up the cha cha and tango? So 52, carry the one......and you're in therapy now 5 years and you are at that point where yup short term goal by the time you are 60 you go to your first USABDA (amateur ball room trophy thing) big prize.....and you are now I think you go from bronze to silver, then gold status.....so in eight years you are learning to love yourself, untangling your mind and TANGLING with your dance partner? NOT a bad mental picture huh? And you win a trophy? And you have a sexy body ta boot - and trust me - a lot of those girls out there have very rotund figures and are over 250 lb. Dancing is for everyone. Hate dancing? Take up pottery. Make a vase - but whatever you do? TRY....not good at it? Get a different hobby......but set short term goals and long term goals......and get out and meet people.....because whle you're fixing yourself - you're going to like yourself more, and the depression will shed......and as that happens? Every layer that you put on over the years will COME OFF....be gone - and never come back because you learn HOW with tools to make sure it never does. Right now? You just don't know the tools and procedures for KEEPING IT OFF.
Once you learn and recognize it & how to turn to the crud and say _----------STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE _---------------BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART!!!!!!!!!! and then turn to the mirror and go "OH GIRL YOU BLEW THAT DARK CLOUD OFF GOOOOOOOOOOOOD! You are AWESOME. MMMMMM MMMMMMM - I LOVE ME. yeah! (and some days you won't be that happy with yourself) but the days you are? You just store it up for the days you aren't and thank God there's Welbutrin....lol. No shame in that.
Youre on the right path. And you have to know at this point? Even though I've never met you? I see great things in you!!!!!!! I see your pain, I recognize it.....and there isn't another here NOT ONE SINGLE OTHER MEMBER that doesn't "GET" what you're saying or how you're trying to "back door" the event with - BUT IF I COULD ONLY - BUT YOU SEE ITS LIKE THIS -WELL YOU DON"T GET IT - I HAVE TO........NO NO NO _ NO ONE UNDERSTANDS...I MUST .......(I will promise you this if nothing else) If you stick with the therapy, and you commit faithfully, do the work, and find a therapist that you click with - really like, trust and build a relationship with - and find the right medications - and that takes time....so don't get disouraged....and don't make the mistake of going to three sessions and coming out going - BLAH TA DAH IM CURED.......and now I AM CURED AND I'M GOING TO DO IT MY WAY - or come back here and tell us (the knowing) WELL MY THERAPIST SAID _ GO RUN DOT GO SEE YOUR DAUGHTER...(cuz we know better - and we've had a few over the years come here and pull that bologna too) Then I will promise you the you will feel better, be happier and once you can say I really LOVE myself and forgive myself/ THEN things start to happen with others - and your behavior and your aura and your personality become infectious - and those that are around you that don't get you? Won't bother you and you'll have an understanding of why and it won't hurt and you'll accept it and move on.
Good luck in court.......be strong. I'll be thinking of you....Prayers are free - Hugs are free - The work will cost you - but I have the utmost confidence in you that you will succeed.
HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGS HUGE HUGE HUGS. AND LOVE - LOADS AND LOADS OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
If I were there I'd give you a big one in person - really, really - and so would everyone here - (I have a feeling they're a huggy group)
Star
