No contact with my son

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    I haven’t had contact with my son since he got locked up . I thought about visiting but I know it will just turn into how I can help him out ,or him trying to manipulate me or make me feel guilty.Probation officer said he’s doing ok & no fights. Court was suppose to be next week but due to them being so behind in cases , it is now pushed back to February 28th so he’ll be spending more time there then Im sure he expected. Hes so use to getting off easy or being able to runaway from situations. My question is should I go visit? I feel bad for not going, I just didn’t want it to be a bad visit and upset him or leave there feeling horrible.Im torn about going to see him.I don’t know what is the right thing to do.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think that there's no right or wrong answer.

    To go out of guilt would be a mistake.

    To go when you don't want to, would be a mistake.

    If you believe that your son would likely try to manipulate and guilt you, and that you will feel very bad and react, it would be a mistake to visit.

    If you believe that it would be unbearably sad and that you would suffer, as a consequence, it would be a mistake.

    My situation right now has some parallels.

    I may see my son on Saturday, for the first time in six months. He is homeless. I am afraid. I will travel to see him. The last two times I have traveled to see him, he has not shown up. I will go again if there is a chance to see him, because I miss him, and because I love him.

    But this is the thing: I am learning that I have no control and no responsibility over what he does or how he acts. I am accepting that to have any expectations of him or of myself, is a setup. I am telling myself to expect NOTHING. To decide NOTHING. And I am hoping, if the visit does happen, I can stay in the moment, in the present.

    I have made many mistakes. My son has every right to be angry at me. I have trained him to manipulate me because I have sought control over things that are not mine to control. I have been reactive. I can be big enough to tolerate whatever happens during the visit. It will be worth it. Because he is my son. I do not have to deal with more than a visit.

    I am changing my outlook. I can say "no" but I can't tell him how to live. I can choose how much closeness we have, as can he. Just as you can choose whether or not you visit. And your son can choose how to respond.

    You don't have to go. You may want to. But it's your choice. There are no shoulds.

    It's OK to be ambivalent. You'd be crazy if you didn't feel some doubt and fear. But that's okay. It's okay either way.
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    There is no right answer but there are only a few options you have wirh common reasons attached to them. I will tey to spell them out the best I know how. None of us has a right to judge your decision. You came here for help.

    Here are choices and my thoughts on each one. Ser if anything resonates. Or not.

    1. Dont go. This would be if you want change more than you want to sooth your hurting Mother heart. It is a very brave decision Not all can do this

    You hope that time alone iin jail will hopefully make him scared of keeping up the lifestyle and aware that there are serious consequences to illegal behavior.

    Or you want him off the streets, away from drugs, with a chance for him to detox and maybe start thinking straight. He is relatively safe, more so than when on the streets. You know if you see him he will cry and tell tou he has seen the light or else berate you for not getting him out and you know you could give in. And you dont want to do it again. You feel it is best if he stays.

    Option 2

    You can go because YOU need to go, for yourself. You matter. Although you have been there before, your heart cant stand this and you are getting sick and cant function. You are willing to accept that he wont change and just need to feel at peace. And there is no written guarantee that jail will change him. Or maybe you feel strong and think you may be able to resist his pleas this time but even if you cant, you need to go. For yourself. Because YOU cant take it. And you count here.

    As a compromise you can talk to him on the phone and see how it goes and how strong or wesk or good or bad you feel. Test things out.

    When we give in, we do it for us. There is nothing wrong with doing things for us.

    When we dont
    give in we are not doing so to punish them but to hopefully help them. This is fine. We are not bad parents by making grown adults have to decide what they want to do with their lives. It is never up to us.

    You dont need to decide anything today. Sit with it. Think about it. Talk with a therapist or a spouse or a religious figure or a beloved friend. Then do something nice for yourself. Wait. Slow and steady.

    We make our best decisions, our most mindful decisions, when the brain is calm. If your son calls, you need not answer so that you can keep a clear head. There is no urgency. Today he is off the streets, away from his crowd, has a meal and is warm. He can think without drugs muddling his brain. There is no urgency for him either.

    Again none of us are here to judge any decision you make. We care about you and want the very best for you and your son.

    Make some hot chocolate and watch the sun rise. Check in with us later and feel no shame no matter what your thoughts are or what you have done.

    Be well first.
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Helpless - I remember going to see my son in JV. I cried and he was upset. He did not like to see me cry. Oh well. He wished I had not come. I kind of wished that too but he was very young.

    You have been given some good thoughts to ponder either way. Your son obviously knows you love him so you don't need to go to prove that. I like the idea of talking on the phone.

    Copa - Good luck on your visit. I hope that he shows up and that you get some peace from that. Let us know how it goes. Prayers.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Copa you made no more mistakes with J than any human makes. Do not blame yourself. Que sera sera! For all of us!
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  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Agree there are no right or wrong answers. The bottom line is doing what is right for you. I do think visiting is a way to show love and support while they are in prison and let them know you care and it gives you a chance for you to see they are ok. It also is a way for them to try to manipulate you although all he can really ask you for is canteen money. If you start feeling really manipulated you can leave. But I would not go if you dont feel up for it. Think about what is good for you.