My question is should I go visit? I feel bad for not going, I just didn’t want it to be a bad visit and upset him or leave there feeling horrible.Im torn about going to see him.I don’t know what is the right thing to do.
I think that there's no right or wrong answer.
To go out of guilt would be a mistake.
To go when you don't want to, would be a mistake.
If you believe that your son would likely try to manipulate and guilt you, and that you will feel very bad and react, it would be a mistake to visit.
If you believe that it would be unbearably sad and that you would suffer, as a consequence, it would be a mistake.
My situation right now has some parallels.
I may see my son on Saturday, for the first time in six months. He is homeless. I am afraid. I will travel to see him. The last two times I have traveled to see him, he has not shown up. I will go again if there is a chance to see him, because I miss him, and because I love him.
But this is the thing: I am learning that I have no control and no responsibility over what he does or how he acts. I am accepting that to have any expectations of him or of myself, is a setup. I am telling myself to expect NOTHING. To decide NOTHING. And I am hoping, if the visit does happen, I can stay in the moment, in the present.
I have made many mistakes. My son has every right to be angry at me. I have trained him to manipulate me because I have sought control over things that are not mine to control. I have been reactive. I can be big enough to tolerate whatever happens during the visit. It will be worth it. Because he is my son. I do not have to deal with more than a visit.
I am changing my outlook. I can say "no" but I can't tell him how to live. I can choose how much closeness we have, as can he. Just as you can choose whether or not you visit. And your son can choose how to respond.
You don't have to go. You may want to. But it's your choice. There are no shoulds.
It's OK to be ambivalent. You'd be crazy if you didn't feel some doubt and fear. But that's okay. It's okay either way.