Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Cindy Marie, Mar 19, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Cindy I do hate to ask. Are you certain that drugs are not involved here? Cellulitis is indeed a risk of return, but not so often in one so young. He mental health is clearly at stake as is yours. I am glad to see you are in counseling.

    You are doing the right thing. It is a terrible feeling as parents when we do what we know is right and if makes us feel so bad. We must pull upon our inner strength and all the supports we have to stay the course.

    Enabling the situation will only make it worse. You are strong and love your daughter. Be brave.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  2. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    She has had blood tests before when she went to to doctor for the cellulitis and nothing indicative of drugs whatsoever and as much as she has turned to someone I never would have thought, drugs are probably the only thing I believe she is not doing or has not done, certainly up to this point.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Cindy. A question. In a blood test like a cbc, will drugs show up if you do not specifically test for them? Did she consent to a multi-panel drug screen?

    I will be direct here. I am writing to myself as much or more than to you.

    It sounds like 99.5 percent of her interactions with you are manipulative and deceitful. Have you thought about limiting contact with her?

    She is showing and telling you that she is living like she wants. Not like you want. This may be the point. This is age appropriate, to seek to define ones own life.

    She may have sought out a controlling and unacceptable man as a means of separating psychologically. This may be the point.

    There is a principle in martial arts where one permits an opponent's own force to defeat them by getting out of the way.

    My son like your daughter has demonstrated he can survive. I hate how he lives. I have tried every manner of influencing him to "live better." I too want him to be safe and not die. I want him to be happy, productive, to thrive.

    There is a truth in our lives at the heart of things that I will put in my own words. Each of us has within us the capacity to find what is true.

    The heartbreak for us as mothers is we cannot do it for them.

    I speak with a spiritual director, a rabbi,who told me: Your son is on his hero's journey and mothers cannot go with them.

    I feel your pain. I feel the same kind of confusion, loss and distress.

    I am more and more seeing that the only one I can save is myself.

    I have to be the center of my own life.

    I am so sorry for your suffering. And my own.
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member


    I am adding these to the list of wisdoms I have gathered from you and others here.
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  5. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    Well said. Yes, she has had a complete screening previously and as often as I have seen her again, I feel very confident there are no drugs involved. After seeing her for three days straight for a few hours each day, when the 4th day came, I was feeling unsettled around her and told her after an hour I needed to go back home as I needed some time to myself, peace and quite. I did not see her yesterday and she asked if she could meet me today. I told her I have some things to do and not certain I will have the time. She replied," Why are you not wanting to see me now?" So I definitely know my contact needs to be limited with her. I did reply back to her " why did you not see me today(yesterday as this man's days off as we all know) and she simply said " Oh I thought you were mad at me." Clearly she does not attempt to see me on Fridays and Sundays, so my availability to her or not to her is something that I must address to myself as my quality of life is certainly equally as important as hers.

    Also, just right before my session ended with the counselor, she did ask if I allow him over my house. I said "no," and then mentioned the gun. So when I meet with her again this upcoming week, I will pick up where we left off. I do not know if she believes I should allow this man in my humble abode, but I certainly do not feel comfortable around him let alone in my home. To call me names and then have the gall to expect us to allow him to sleep in my home when he was kicked out. I do not want to assume the counselor was going in that direction so I will continue our conversation when we meet again.

    The counselor did say do not downplay him. I have in the past and occasionally as my emotions just get the best of me, yet I know that the less I say, the better off I am. I am more deeply hurt than angry now but gradually learning to increase my focus on me and less on her.
     
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Me too.
     
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Counseliors give advice. Ten counselors may give ten answers. Their advice is not a scientific fact that their advice is what you should do. Counseling is largely opinion.

    Counselor or not, i would NEVER consider bringing a childs current lover into my home, even if he was nice. And this one isnt. I would not even consider it. Its your home/your sancuary. The only people who need to live there are of YOUR choice. And that includes your daughter if she is ubwilling to be kind or respect your house rules or both. You know in your gut that this is a bad man. You dont need a ciunselor to tell you that this man in your house wont enhance anyones life.

    I have been in therapy most of my life. Sime therapists gave helpful advice. Some did not. I fired the ones I did not think were helpful. I also listened to what they had to say, but only used what I felt was useful. If you are in therapy with daughter, is she trting to use thetapist to bully you? Is therapist buying her crap?

    If so, i would get another therapist who just sees you, with your best interests in mind. Your daughter lies and is irrational. Therapy with somebody like her is impossible. Dont waste your time. Therapy wont make your relationship better. Your daughter will only be nice to you if you do her bidding, therapy or not.

    You need a psychologist (I favor them as they have had nore trainung in various methods of therapy) who is all yours. A female in my opinion. One close to your age who understands you. There are many crappy therapists out there. Psychology is not an exact science. So each therapist brings his or her own life to the table. Choose carefully. One who resonates with you can be pure gold. The one you are seeing now reminds me of the one my daughter saw during her drug days who said "you have to trust her."

    Really? She lied all the time. Climbed out her window at night. Said she was in school when people saw her leaving. Etc. When she told me what clueless shrink said I topd her, "I disagree. Trust is earned." She tried to use this shrink against me but when she couldnt, she quit going.

    Use your common sense and your gut feeling. Good luck.
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Cindy:

    Happy belated birthday! At least you had some peaceful time with your hubby.

    I have to admit, drug use ran through my mind also because often those using do not want to spend their own money on food. And the fact that she is acting so "off" compared to how you've always known her but I also recognize that you would probably know it if she were on some type of drug by being around her.

    I always have a sixth sense for this with our son. If it doesn't "make sense" I know drugs are involved.

    I agree with SWOT that I would not let her boyfriend visit either. I am not sure that is what your therapist was going to say but it is okay to disagree with them too.

    Do focus on yourself and your husband more and your life. Try not to have her on your mind every second. This is where healthy boundaries and detachment come into play. Your therapist should be able to help you with that. Your daughter should NOT be the focus of your life. It's not healthy for anyone.

    She has chosen this life for herself, yet she wants you to pay for the stuff she doesn't want to pay for. Life doesn't work that way. I do agree paying for her doctor because that is for you to feel better but I'd really have to draw a line in the sand someplace close to that.

    She can fix this if she wants to. She's being passive aggressive with you right now. Put yourself first.
     
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    A "complete screening" is not usually a "drug" test. It is usually a CBC and a chem profile. You usually have to discuss a history or reason for the doctor to request a drug screen.

    You may be right that she is not on drugs, but you really can't base it on a blood test until you know what was ordered. Plus many hard drugs are out if their body after 3 days. Weed takes almost a month, depending on the amount used.

    Has she been tested for MRSA? Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus.

    It is usually reoccurring skin infections.

    Ksm
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2017
  10. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member



    Thank you for the Birthday wish!! I have had a lot going on lately and just getting back to my posts. The time before last, the doctor did send a culture to the lab for MRSA and it came back negative. She has had a drug test recently for employment and it also was negative as the paperwork came to my home and she did ask me to open the letter. I have seen the counselor twice since my last post.
    This past week my daughter came over as usual after work and or school. A couple of weeks ago she wrote me after leaving our home about the electric bill. She wanted to know if it would be turned off if she paid half of the payment. She also said there was a note on the apartment door when she got there regarding the rent for September. Apparently the first month was "free." She also said that his father did not pay the first month or a months rent to help him like he mentioned he would. Not sure if I had posted that when they were looking for an apartment upon being kicked out from his home, his real father had mentioned possibly making one months rent. Anyways, according to her, he gave no money and the apartment had a special for the first month. But the note stated a higher amount than the amount she thought was due. They moved in the latter part of July, so I told her it was most likely a prorated amount. I asked her to look at the contract and she said the leasing office did not give any copies but they signed a lot. Shortly after that statement, she said he signed a lot of paperwork and that he pays the rent. She then asked me to go to the ATM with her as it was late at night as she needed to get some money. I asked her why at that time of night, she then said she would tell me later. Well she gave him $300 as he did not have the full rent but the following day he also got or "borrowed" money from his mother-$300 also. He told my daughter he would pay her back but did not and has not as of this day according to her. Of course she somewhat justified this as she said she was living there but was upset he did not pay her back. She said she was only responsible for the car payment. I know better! He has not purchased utensils, dishes, or anything. She asked me last week if I could meet her to buy her some food as there was nothing in the house to eat except for some chips and cereal. Said he had no money to buy anything. I asked her what was he eating, she said she did not know. A few days after this, she said "oh he bought some food from Costco." I asked her what kind of food and she said well not really "food." More like, gatorade, fruit snacks, and a couple of other items. Said his real father took him and I am sure bought it all.
    Well she just got paid this past Wednesday but said all of her money is accounted for bills. She called me Thursday after she left our home and asked if I would meet her at the gas station and I said No as I was getting ready for bed. She opened up a little and said she was also out buying him dinner at McDonald's and she was tired of him sitting in the apartment and asking her to run out to buy him food all of the time and frustrated she was using her money. I asked her why she does it and she said "I guess because I was already out." Well so was he as he just got home from work. I am sure because he knows he can make her go and he expects her to buy it. She also said she wanted to move back home and misses us but something about she gets caught up between me and him. I am sure she did not tell him that she wanted to move back home but perhaps generally speaking he talks terrible about us. She then said she is tired of working and having no money. I told her she never took that job on to make a living as she is trying to do.
    Well she came over yesterday and the night before we had food trucks that come on Friday's to our neighborhood park. She was at his mother's house-the one they were living at--to get a check from his mother's bank(she works for a bank near her home and I believe he banks there as well)for the upcoming rent. Also, he was working on his radio while they were there. Well she asked me if I would not mind to buy her something as one of her favorite restaurants had a food truck there. I asked her if she would be able to pick it up that evening. She said yes but one hour after the next kept passing and when 11 o'clock was approaching, I told her I was going to bed. She wrote back as if she could not then get the food because I was going to bed. I was not sitting up all night. She also said she thought they were leaving but he kept doing whatever he was doing and she did not get back to the apartment until after 11 and had to go to bed as she had work at 5 yesterday morning. So I put the food in the refrigerator and yesterday she came over to get it and stayed for an hour or so. She immediately said I hope this food is still good and I do not get sick from it and then looked for a small container of ice cream I had bought a few days ago--my husband ate some and she dropped it back in the freezer and asked who ate the ice cream. She then grabbed some York patties I had in the refrigerator and asked who ate them...no one but her!! She said "I am just going to have to buy some food as I am hungry." Expected me to give her my debit card and I said No. I knew she had some cash in her wallet because I did give her $40 for chores-she mowed the lawn, washed and folded clothes, vacuumed and steamed the floors for me and a few other things. My counselor did ask if I had chores to be done and if she did them then of course pay her, so I did. But she told me she was not using her money as she did not have much to last her until next pay day. Going back to the night before, I asked her what she ate for dinner and she said nothing. I then said you must have been starving and she said " I am ok." Well she brought that up yesterday when she came and said I kept asking about what she had for dinner and that was irritating. I know she surely would have eaten after all day but I merely asked her what she had for dinner and that she must have been starving. That is all. Her misplaced aggressions are beyond what anyone would tolerate or should. She started disrespecting me yesterday and said she thinks about how we kicked her out and how mad it makes her. Choices and consequences are a packaged deal. Well she did it to herself and I told her to leave yesterday as this is my home and I am not going to be disrespected in my home. We bought the food and I think we have every right to eat what we buy.

    So she leaves and texted me that she was lying in bed crying as this is ridiculous how she gets treated. "I am the way I am because I have no support from my family regardless if y'all the situation. It's mentally depressing me and I can't take but so much. It doesn't matter to y'all what I go through on the inside and I don't care what y'all might think but I make my opinions and my choices myself. It's hurtful." It apparently matters how everyone else lives their perfect lives like her friends etc.etc....I don't even have a sister to talk to no one in the family can know about me causes it is a big secret. I'm automatically put out of y'alls lives by the decisions I choose to make and that isn't love." I told her she made the choice to cohabitate and that she can not live the way she does and look to us for the things she needs. If she can pay for power which was $400 for two months, the internet, $80 for initial bill and apparently $20 thereafter but can not even buy herself a pair of jeans that were ripped for work. She then replies " it's always about money apparently!!!!!" Then proceeded saying that obviously her depression does not matter to y'all nothing does buy money and this isn't love because if we loved her this would not be this way but I am always right and not to worry about her anymore and you don't love me mom." She waited a few hours later and said she was crying, she does love me, sorry she is not perfect and then the everyday question..."Can you get food with me?" and No I did not go anywhere with her.

    If I do not say much, she thinks I am ignoring or not wanting to see her, if I do talk, she is on the defense always or she continuously tells me that it is not normal what her dad told her about us having our own lives and that she and her sister need to quit disrespecting me and understand that our lives are just as important as theirs are. She interprets that as pushing her out of our lives because of her decisions. She either doesn't understand or pretends to not understand that we love her more than anything, but that because we love her does not mean we have to accept her choices because there is not a mother I know that would possibly accept the likes of this deadbeat man who absolutely has no self respect let alone for authority or his parents and none for me or my daughter. I do not know if she thinks it will make her life "easier" with this crazy man if we accept him and this so called relationship but I will not accept it whatsoever. It will not change the way he treats her I am certain. My mother went through the ringer with my older sister when she dated as she dated some terrible men; however, my mother loved her unconditionally until the end.

    The counselor did state that school and medical would be something that I should help her with and I have but it somehow just seems that if school was important to her, then she would help with her books or the $100 calculator I bought if she can pay for his food and utilities and probably rent and who knows what else.
     
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I admit that was so long I didnt read it sll but I think I get the point. Daufhter lives with loser and neither of tjem sistain themselves and she is always asking you for money and both she and boyfriend are able bodied, which is a blessing, but unwilling to work in productive ways.

    So why doesnt Daughter, who is an adult, apply for food assistance and food pantries? Laziness? Too bad. You are not forced to buy her food. She is grown up and can get food herself in many ways (two are listed above). She doesnt need to go out to restaurants. How many people regularly eat meals in restaurants? She cant afford it. Apparently she has money for things she cares about, like wifi and cell phone, I bet.

    You made her leave. I dont know why bit like the rest of us who wrnt there, she must have done something pretty awful for that to happen. Dont let her guilt you intp taking her back when nothing has changed. We are pbligated to support our minor kids, not adilt children who are making horrible adult choices. They never become self sufficient if we keep housing and paying their way and then they dont change.
    You have the right to limit contact. Your daughter is acting like she is still ten years old. Stp seeing her as that cute little girl and see her as the adult she is.

    You have a rightto live a peaceful, quiet, happy life without daughter making monetary demands of you. Are you in therapy to help you cope with this and learn to value your own life? Please take care of you. You matter. Daughter meeds to be responsible for her own life, even if she wanys YOU to do it and doesnt want to do tje work to access government services or get a good job. She needs to stand on her own. None of us can be here forever.

    Hugs to you!
     
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    cindy marie, hi. underneath it all you sound heartbroken. there are a number of us in the same place. why not join us on some other threads? we are not alone in this.