Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Cindy Marie, Mar 19, 2017.

  1. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    It is just a terrible situation. We have changed the locks on our new home and we had a security system installed recently. I have not been to a therapist on my own but I am planning on doing so. My daughter has asked me to help her and I told her she has to be willing. She has continued asking me this week if I called a counselor and I have. If she fails to show up, I have full intentions of going myself. I am having back issues again-well they never went away but just progressed along with some new symptoms. Just had an MRI and have 2 ruptures, 2 annular tears, and much more going on and have had days where the pain is so bad I have not been able to walk, sit or stand for any length of time. This situation is horrible and I am praying to get through all of this.
    The lady police officer did advise me to not give up hope or turn my back on her--to answer her if she calls, texts or whenever she reaches out but I do agree with you all that boundaries are necessary. I can not say for certain about drugs and as bizarre and insane as this situation is, I have not felt that drugs are involved. She has gotten herself into something I believe deeper than she anticipated.
  2. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Ksm is right, you need professional help with this situation. There are no "right" answers, only doing the best you can in an impossible situation. This is not something you can "fix" for her, and paradoxically the more you try the worse it gets. Please, get guidance from a therapist that knows about domestic violence (which is what this is) and about detachment.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You know, i agree with KSM. Although the crisis worker is being kind about your daughter, it wont help your daughter or your other loved ones one bit if you get sick over a situation you have NO control over.

    Your daughter IS playing games with both of you. She already knows she can leave and come home or go to a shelter. She doesnt need to text you and stress you out when she seems to have no intention of leaving. Have you seen bruises? Black eyes? Maybe she is being verbally abused but nobody but her can stop it. She needs to make up her own mind.

    If you end up long term disabled or dead because of stress, then what will she do? Something seems out of kilter here. I personally think you need to back off because what you are doing is not helping her and you are not well.

    You cant intervene as they are both considered consenting adults. I feel it is appropriate to firmly tell your daughter,"You can come home, and I love you, but unless you move out of there, I cant help you and no longer want to hear details. It makes me too stressed out." Then dont respond to teary texts sbout how she wants to come home. She doesnt mean it or she can. And would.

    Abused women, like drug addicts, can only be helped by one person...that person is them. Your worry helps her not a bit.

    Hugs and hoping you will take the focus off her and onto yourself. Repeat to self:"There is NOTHING I can do." And there isnt.
    Last edited: May 21, 2017
  4. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    The crisis worker you were referring to--did you mean the cop? I am meeting with a counselor that handles domestic abuse cases this Tuesday because yes I know this is beyond me and she does know that help is out there if she is willing. She too, says she is going to seek counseling but ultimately she has to begin with herself. She got into a terrible situation that only she can get out of.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Cop then, yes.

    It is puzzling that she wont leave.

    Please just dont get sick yourself.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    She is telling you he is crazy...and telling him you are crazy. And if you stay in the middle of this, it will make you crazy.

  7. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    This for sure has not helped me mentally and now having ongoing issues with my back, new symptoms as well as progressed symptoms has taken a toll on me. We have seen bruises but she denies them and her stories don't line up based on where the bruises are. I know no matter how weak minded and vulnerable she is and has been, I certainly do not exclude her from some accountability whatsoever, but from what I have seen of him, watching him speak to her and talk in general, and the few things she has mentioned specifically about him and what his mother has said in response to his behavior, my husband and I do believe that if and when she does leave, she won't be able to merely come back home as she will have to "run and hide." And yes, she knows there are shelters. Though she obviously has not reached this point and only she knows if and when that time will be, it does keep me in fear as I am scared of him and I know worrying will not change this or any of this insane situation, but it is something that I am always watching my back for- even now while she is in this situation because he is the type of person that would harm her family. I keep praying for God to remove this worrying and fear. Both cops said they could tell his resistance to them and what was going on. The first cop was actually on the phone with him for more than 10 minutes trying to get my daughter on the phone and told this crazy man to tell him where they were and kept repeating to him that if he did not tell, they would search for them all day and that he did not need to tell him how to do his job. So for whatever use this may be now or later, I am glad that they have record of this to see what we are up against should it come down to something. Again, thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement for me as I know my health is of the utmost. I will keep you posted after my meeting tomorrow.
  8. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    She definitely is caught up in a terrible web of lies and living 2 different lives. So sad and heartbreaking.
  9. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    It has been a while since I last posted. Though I have ongoing issues with my back, I have recently endured two new herniated discs and several tears in my lumbar and it has been very debilitating for the last couple of months. I would like to say that my daughter's situation has improved but it has only gotten worse. She managed to "live" with this horrible man and his parents for approximately four months. On August 12th, his stepfather-the one he lives with-contacted my husband for the first time. My daughter-during her here and there stops to our home had mentioned his stepfather wanted our phone numbers to contact us. My husband said that his stepfather asked him if our daughter could come home and did not understand why she was sleeping on a sofa when she had a home and bed for as long as she was staying. My daughter, though again she rarely talks about this situation, had mentioned several times that his father wanted to contact us and told her she might not like everything we say as parents but that she should respect us and that she did need our help as she is young and in college. He continued stating that he and his wife were upset about this car our daughter had gotten under and thought that his son was behind it. I do feel for certain he was as my daughter has no credit and knew she would need a cosigner. My husband told him we had plans of buying her a car around her birthday after she proved herself with her first year of college and first part time job-balancing both. His main concern was that he finally wanted her to leave their house. My husband briefly mentioned how she had lied to us for endless months, cursed, disrespected us, did not want to abide by our rules and how we did not know of his son for many months as she would run out the door and walk down the street or to the park to be picked up by him. My husband never mentioned accepting or supporting this so called relationship. He told his father that in his day, a man came to a girls door and knocked on the door to pick her up... but she of course was hiding this crazy man as she knew from years ago(those who have read my posts from the beginning)--therefore he would not have come to the door but he is the type of man who would not anyways if we had of known. I found out about him after her car purchase within days via social media..It all added up and this is when we made a decision to kick her out..He was somewhat vague and did not go into much detail and did ask my husband along with his wife and myself to dinner to discuss the situation further. Well two days after this call, he called my husband back-the very day of my blessed mother's two year passing. In between these calls, my daughter had texted me stating that she knew she was going to have to come home within the week, the shortly after she stated that, she said the following day and then once again, said asap. Well his mother ironically called her son and told him that he and my daughter were liars, which they are, and that my daughter was ungrateful, and that she was kicking him out... the very day my daughter was moving back home. Well I left out of town with my other daughter that very day as I was visiting my mother's grave. This was the day and second time his stepfather called my husband--but he never mentioned that his wife kicked her son out..when my daughter came home bringing her belongings, she had texted me asking if this man could spend the night and sleep in her room while she slept on the sofa. I knew he was kicked out because she was with me the day she was going back to get her things. Well I told her absolutely no later on after I had left that evening to go out of town. She also asked my husband and he said no as well. She knew we would never allow that. Well she left our home and not sure where she stayed that night but the next day..again on my mother's two year anniversary of her passing--his father called my husband and said to him--I thought you said your daughter could come home--He said "yes I certainly did." But my husband never mentioned that we knew his son was kicked out the same day. Well he proceeded to say well I can not believe you are doing this to your daughter---not letting her come back home--again, my husband said SHE can come home but not your son and I do not accept or support this "relationship." His father did say on the first phone call that his son wanted to move out but never had the money to do so..Coincidentally...where are they now?? Moved out...I saw on her call log as she still has the phone I bought her where she was calling apartments..I ironically guessed which one and asked her where she moved to but she denied it and asked me how I knew. Well I also knew she would want to move close to where we live as she is also familiar with this area and works just down the street and also one that was the cheapest--shy of being in the projects; however, the apartment complex does accept Section 8 housing and has drug issues not much above the projects...she still works for the same company and did take on a second job but since quit that. She says she is going back to college and actually wanted me to go school shopping today with her -- I am sure so I could buy her things----but I advised her my husband and I had plans. So she said back in May she was getting deeper and deeper---well now look at her!! She said the apartment was $700 and that he was paying $350 but the next day said she was not paying anything.. Just one lie after another.. His father just said he could not afford to live on his own and she herself just said he would pay $350-split in half---so who is paying the other half??? Crazy.. So while her focus should be on College---she is taking on intense adult responsibilities and paying the same debt as this man who does not go to college nor did he or he dropped out after a few classes...but works full time...She is trying to take a part time job and pay this $300 car note and the $300 car insurance that she says he is paying now... just an habitual liar--now half of the rent, power, internet and or cable--she asked me if she could wash her clothes here... I did tell her she could but that he could not---she has not yet brought her clothes over---but not sure if I should even allow her to wash her clothes here.

    My other daughter came over this past week twice for dinner---well she said I could at least invite her.. well Sunday I did...she said she would come over but when the time came, to no surprise--she did not..I asked her why she did not make it and as usual, she avoided my question and has yet to say. We know why of course. He does not work Sundays. She had the nerve to ask me to meet her at the Pizza place last evening as she wanted Pizza--to go---but suddenly corrected herself and said to see me...I know better...It was almost one month after she started moving back here that I have seen her. Last week was the first time in about a month. The first day was ok..she wrote me a day later saying she missed me...but the second day I saw her it was back to yelling and leaving. I have never felt such heartache in my life. She only went to the counselor once and had told me the counselor did not really help her---not sure if I had mentioned this already...but just prior to her going--she asked me " Can a counselor get fired or in trouble if she tells of her and my daughter's conversation to anyone?' I said absolutely--and I would not think the counselor would risk her job. I knew immediately she was going to talk about this crazy man to the counselor. I told her the counselor had to get to know her and to give the counselor a chance but that I thought it was important to continue going.

    Well then my daughter tells me about a month or so ago, that this man has a gun now and I asked her where he got it and if he has a concealed permit--she said "NO." She also said she did not know where he got it but it is in his car.

    But when she is around, you can not ask her anything nor will she speak of him-she becomes very irate if she does or anything remotely mentioned about him or her, she leaves. I have tried to limit myself being around her. Her comeback line is "there isn't anything to talk about and why would she talk about something(him) that I do not care about." I have told her of my concern for her and tried to not mention him and to let her know I am here to talk to if and when she needs to do so. She avoids me when she can such as Sunday and does not text me much but now that I know she has an apartment, she has texted in general a little more.avoiding me I am sure so she would not have to talk about where she is living--but either way will blow my phone up and question me repeated about where I am or where I am going, what I am doing etc.

    I knew that even if she came back home and I did not get my hopes up, he would still have this hold on her--that is where the car came into play because as long as she has "their" car, she would leave at any given time and with him being "kicked" out I knew he would tell her that his parents let her stay for 4 months and play on her mental once again. Once his parents caught onto them, we knew it was a matter of time before she was out of their home and him too. I feel fairly certain, that his parents as well we do, that this will likely end their bizarre relationship--something will give eventually. She will crumble trying to take this on..but that is what she put herself into...But after what she has put me through and the name calling he has called me and everything else, she and he had the nerve to ask us if he could come into our home.
    It is just an awful mess and I have kept my faith and prayers strong. I am trying to focus on my health and have tried to keep this mess afar the best I can.
  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So sorry.

    It's sounds if I'm correct that there is mental abuse going on? Unfortunately she needs to reach out for help if that's the case. Do you believe she lives in fear?

    The car thing is a mess, but I'm sure if she really wanted out, you could move her far away, but she doesn't seem eager to do so.

    You need to care for yourself and only help with what you are comfortable with.

    Big hug
  11. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    Yes, my husband and I have always believed their is and has been mental abuse going on and that she does live in fear. She did text me about three weeks ago that she was depressed.
  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    You can let her know of women's shelters if need be. Until she is ready to reach out, I'm not sure you can do much.

    I know your heart hurts over this. It is so hard, but she has to have had enough to reach out.
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    In all the particulars my own situation is different from yours but at heart the same with my son.

    Your child is younger but more capable.

    We cannot make them want to change. We cannot give them the strength to do so. We cannot make them want what we want for them. Even if it means staying safe or even alive.

    I know the pain of this. And how hard it is to accept.

    It sounds like any contact you have with her is disrespectful or deceitful or borderline abusive.

    The decision for each of us is when we begin holding them responsible. We do that by detaching from the sense we can drive their car so to speak. Or influence them in any significant way to want what we believe they should.

    Believe me. I am right there with you.

    My son and I are toxic to each other because neither one of us wants to learn our lessons.

    Actually. I am the only one remiss. I cannot bear how he lives. And I cannot bear him to suffer. His cries are my siren song.
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2017
  14. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    I know she is disrespectful and deceitful and yes I believe abusive in this sense. While she is living this appalling lifestyle, she works for what she wants and begs her father and myself for what she truly needs. Her father told her yesterday that we have our lives to live and to stop harassing me for whatever she needs or feels is owed to her.
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    She works for what she wants and begs for what she needs? Doesn't that seem a bit skewed?

    I hope that what her father meant is that you won't give her anything else until she gets away from this man and straightens out. She (and he) need to start paying for their needs. Until they go without these, they won't stop paying for their wants.

    Did I understand you to say he has a gun? That he carries it in his car? This worries me greatly. This type of man is highly likely to harm her if he feels he is losing control of her. I wonder what an anonymous tip to the police that he has a gun in his car would do. I am just afraid for her in that regard.

    It is good that the man's father spoke to you, and caught the couple in their lies. It is a shame that kicking your daughter out and the man out happened at the same time and did not break them up.

    This reminds me of a former member's situation with her stepdau. Not so much the situation with the man's parents, just having your daughter lie and your inability to get her away from this man. I am not sure what you can do. I hope and pray she does not get pregnant. Birth control would be about the only thing I would be willing to pay for, but of course then she could say she would only take/use it if you would let her do X. Y, or Z. I just hope she does not bring an innocent child into this situation. Children cannot be repossessed.
  16. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    She was bringing her things back inside to place in her dresser and closet. She still rode around with much of her belongings in her trunk. It was hardly two hours after coming home that she got a call from his mother but missed the call and told me his mother never calls her. Well in the meantime my daughter and the man began texting and talking wondering why his mother called her and she told me she suddenly had to meet him. Well she did and she called me back telling me that his mother had cursed him out, told him my daughter was ungrateful and who knows what else..I mean if she thinks she is ungrateful, then perhaps she knows slightly what I have been through...and that she was kicking him out but them called him back supposedly and told him it was only temporary. Well my daughter had said the night before--this is day that his stepfather called my husband earlier that morning--his stepfather had spoken to both of them apparently late that evening. My daughter said crazy man had left the house and drove off mad. His mother told my daughter she had never seen him like this--angry the stepfather confronted them and said he was mad they did not give my daughter notice--a notice for what?? moving out of their house to come back home....and that he did not want her to be away from him..his parents had always taken away things he loves." and so her and my daughter went driving to look for him. Apparently he was just down the road at a gas station. My daughter told me she told his mother about the gun-not sure if she meant that same night-but that his mother was "shocked." Somehow, I really do not think she was. He found out my daughter told her and was upset. So anyways, when I was leaving to go out of town, my daughter had asked my husband if they could stay the night at our house and then she texted me. I simply responded with a "NO." She replied "whatever."
    So who knows where they stayed that night, but the following day, which was the second contact his stepfather made to my husband, they were back at his house. Well the stepfather called James-my husband-and said " I have your daughter, my son, and my wife here with me and you are on speaker phone." He proceeded to ask my husband again-"Did you not say your daughter could come home?' My husband replied, "Yes, I certainly did, but her coming home does not entail your son coming too." My husband never mentioned that he knew his mother kicked him out. Had I been on the call, I certainly would have said quite a bit more, but my husband then told him.." Let me make myself very clear." Number one-my daughter can come home..Number 2 --I do not accept this relationship and Number 3-I do not support this relationship.." Is there anything here that you do not understand?" His stepfather then started cursing and his wife was telling him to stop and he would yell at her to "shut the hell up." and then asked my husband-" You would do this to your daughter?"-Not letting her come home--He once again said I made myself clear-She can come home and she can come home alone. Well he then hung up on my husband. That same evening, my daughter texted me " I have some stuff at the house I'll get I guess, Assume you are mad at me and lastly " I love you always mom." This very day I am out of town to visit my mother's grave-All of this going on on this very day.

    It was approximately four days after this ordeal that I saw her looking for apartments on my call log. I mentioned to her and she denied this. Well she avoided me for almost a month after she was attempting to move back here or would ask questions that typically required a yes or no. I knew she would move near us and my husband and I were out about two Sunday's ago, and I told him, I had a strong feeling it would be a certain apartment. The very first time and the very first apartment we rode by--She was walking back towards the apartment building from her car with clothes. She continues asking me how I know which apartment especially with all of the apartments she was calling. I certainly knew it would not be the most expensive one. Where we live or probably like most anywhere, any apartment less than a $1k is considered the projects or not much above them. The reviews are horrible and I had clients when I worked that lived there and I had heard the horrible stories about them from drugs to shootings, and much more. Section 8 housing is allowed there and the children run about the complex beyond dusk. This would have been a place my daughter would have never considered but this no account man could not live on his own according to his father and now miraculously he can. For him, this apartment complex should be right at home and apparently for her too. His father told my husband on the first call, that his son would like to move out but never had the money to do so. If he did, he would not move out when his parents to provide a roof while he buys expensive tires for a fairly inexpensive vehicle that stays in the shop! I continued wondering how long his parents were going to enable them as when I had spoke to his mother on Mother's Day-she said she was going to have her husband call us. Well two months practically went by before my husband finally did receive a call. My daughter said he would ask her for our numbers and she would not reply to him. So I had wondered if perhaps his mother even told his stepfather she had talked to me because I could not understand why we had not heard back from him and for him to ask my daughter when his wife had spoke to me and should have had our number. Perhaps, they were shocked from the betrayal too? But they surely did not continue to let them stay at their house and if his stepfather stated he does not have the money to move out and had previously told my daughter she needed to be home as she needed her parents help while she was in college, then perhaps they are thinking this will eventually end their relationship.

    My daughter is registered for Fall classes but she quit last semester after she was kicked out and lied to him about being in school--now how does she think she is going to work full time and help support this man-though she told us she was not paying rent--we know better--while taking a full load of courses??

    Also, I said the same thing about the gun but I am frightened of this man. I would like so much to provide an anonymous tip to the police. I am so afraid for her and us. You are so correct in that I do not have the ability to get her away from this man. Several months ago she randomly wrote me one evening that she wanted to be herself again and live her life how she wants to without being afraid without she wants God in her life again and how hard it is to accept when she is living so bad and so fearful of herself and her surroundings and how she does not feel like she can be herself again-that she is sorry she has ruined herself and us and she wishes she could turn back life but she can't and hopes she won't ever get killed ever.."Please help me mom I just want to cry and be in your arms with no worries how life should be..she was not happy especially with herself..this isn't me." She feels like she is controlled and trapped.

    And though it seems like she is not eager to get out, and yet she has said one lie after another..these words and message she wrote me keep ringing in my head. I do truly feel that she meant this. You can see the unhappiness in her face alone. She has said she has anger in her because she is unhappy. She said she was depressed a couple of weeks ago..and shortly after this message--the one in paragraph above-- a couple of days later, she randomly wrote again that she was afraid and she needed my help and she would get out of it for me- it should be for herself---for me to please tell her how to do it and that she does not enjoy this, she is scared to get out and that she loves me more than life and will do anything for me and how I mean the world to her. She also wrote me in June that she wishes she could talk to me about anything yet when I try to talk she then says she keeps it to herself. I have told her I am always here to talk to and that if she needs help, I will see to it. I was hoping she would have continued with the counselor. I sometimes do not know what to believe but again I do feel this is her true feelings. Women do get out of these situations every day. I have a best friend that married a guy from high school and she knew exactly what he was like, yet married him, has two sons-14 and 8 and to this day tells me awful things he does-he is on drugs, prescribed and some not and she states that it is better to stay in this relationship than to get out--he has hit her, curses her, he is a hunter so he has guns but recently bought a machine gun---for what?? I just can not comprehend it. I just do not know when my daughter will have the strength and gain the mind capacity to reach out to us-if she will. I personally have never been in this situation or ever dated anyone like this. It tears me apart but I know until she reaches out, what can I do.
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  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My heart goes out to you. Make sure she knows and has context information to safe shelters for batteries women. In case she is too ashamed to reach out to family. Hang in there.
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Just reread your entire story.

    It seems she may have originally gotten into the situation with this guy to be rebellious but then it turned into something else.

    I think he put her on the car to trap her. I would never mingle my money with a man's unless we were married. But just because her name is on the car doesn't mean she should be chained to him forever. I'd let my credit go to the dogs before I'd tie myself to someone I did not want to be with.

    It sounds like right now she is living the way she wants to live although she tells you differently. She is the only one that can change her life. You cannot do it. You have done everything in your power to stand by her and support her, even when your own health is at risk.

    I would see a therapist for yourself and set some healthy boundaries with her. You are on the crazy train with her and it is taking over your entire life!!

    It is not good for you and not helping her. I would tell her when she is ready to move home you will help her but in the meantime I would somewhat limit my exposure to all of this for your own good.

    I would also worry about that gun and call the police and ask them if you are able to leave an anonymous tip with them about him having it.

    It's sad your daughter is wasting so much time with this guy if she is not happy. She must be getting something out of the relationship though. I think she has to come to terms with how her life is now and if she wants to change it. She is the ONLY person that can do that. You cannot and should not make yourself sick over her daily trials. This is her choice right now.

    Stay strong. We are pulling for you!
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  19. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    I very much agree with you in that I believe she got into this by being rebellious and then it turned into something much more than she bargained for. I told my husband that I too think there is just even something slight that seems to keep her there. What on earth it could possibly be, I have no idea and can not even imagine. The day after I wrote my last post, August 17th, she once again sent me a random text, " I hate myself." No elaboration, just that. Yet, the unhappiness is written all over her face. He has not purchased anything for the least a can opener or toaster that I know of so far. He should clearly be on his own without her whatsoever but this deadbeat would not have ever left the nest had his stepfather not finally given them the ultimatum. Also, she mentioned his uncle wanting to give them a kitten to take off his hands and I overheard my daughter talking to this crazy man repeating what she was to get at the store...litter was clearly one of them. I did not say anything at this point..not to mention, my girls have grown up with dogs, and though we love animals in general, a cat was not our preference for a pet and she has said many times she does not care for a cat as a pet. Nevertheless, she apparently has one I feel certain. My other daughter saw the post of a cat and asked her the other day and she denied it in one breath and showed the picture of all of the kittens his uncle had, but my other daughter proceeded to say she saw One kitten in her post. She said you should give it away to someone who will take care of it. My daughter then asked, "Why?" I also finally told her if she and he had money to take on the responsibility of a kitten, then she should have the necessities she needs. She kept repeating to me.."why do you keep saying a kitten?" She also recently had cellulitis once again(about the 7th or 8th time in less than a year) and a "rash" on her upper thigh or near her abdomen and she thought that was ringworm. Well I told her that infected animals can spread ringworm. She asked me " what do you mean?" So I feel very certain she in fact has a kitten, but once lie after another.

    Well for those of you that may not know, Cellulitis untreated can be fatal. It starts out as a small red or inflamed spot, perhaps from a cut, shaving, bite and then spreads to the deeper layers of skin. Once you have had it, you are more susceptible of getting it again. She advised me a week ago yesterday she had another spot on her leg, near her knee. Well Fridays and Sundays are this mans days off(hers too as she accommodated his scheduled except for classes on Friday and since school-working Sunday mornings) so seeing her on these days is out of the question. Since classes resumed last week, she is working on Tues, Thurs, Sat, and Sun mornings 5 A.M.-2 P.M. Well my birthday was this past Sunday. My husband and I went to Mass, lunch at a restaurant on the water-very beautiful and peaceful, and then to a few shops to look around. I had a wonderful start of the day. My daughter merely mentioned the day before, let me know when you want your gift. She knew we were going to either lunch or dinner. That particular Sunday she not only had been scheduled for work, but a training class from 4-7 and then back to her restaurant at 9 for what they call a "Bread Bash" meeting-talking about new products coming out. She has had this before in the past, so I believed this. However, her cellulitis, was progressing and she continued sending me pictures of it from last Thursday night through Sunday. She clearly could have come with us and spent the day as she called out from work Sunday as she was in pain from her leg. Before I knew she was not going to work, I told her that it was my Birthday and she has 5 minutes at some point to stop by. She said nothing. But she certainly continued texting me and sending pictures of her leg and finally called just as my husband and I were coming back home. She asked me to meet her at the doctors and wanted to know where we were. I told her we were on the way home and should be within 30 minutes. Before I could barely get in the door, she was ringing the doorbell. She said she had no money to pay the doctor. The other day when my other daughter was here, she also asked her why her boyfriend did not take her to the doctor and waited three days. I suppose she wanted the attention taken off me on my Birthday and given to her. She should have been to the doctor well before my Birthday.

    She replied it is not his concern or his place to take me or pay for it. My husband would not have thought twice about not taking me if my mother had not been available back then when we were dating.

    Yes, I finally have seen a counselor twice so far. The first day was a lot of questions and the second time after meeting, the counselor did say she felt that was acceptable to pay for her doctor as a mother would be worried and concerned and knowing the seriousness of it but that I specifically paid the doctor directly and her medicine and did not give money to her. You are absolutely right. My objective is to set healthy boundaries primarily. This crazy train with her is just that ...absolutely crazy. I did a trial test this week as I have seen her Monday through Thursday. I had a few errands to do and we have had lunches this week. I was hesitant even with the doctor initially because I am no longer begging her or stressing myself out with something she knows is critical. I told the counselor if she has money for things she does not need, kitten for example,apartment etc. then why should I pay? Even an apartment that she denies paying rent for.. She says she has no money and it goes here and there. While she may not make much and one check alone would go towards her car note and gas, she has some funds leftover, especially since she doesn't pay for anything else according to her. When we were out Tuesday, I stopped to get gas. She followed me and begged me to get her gas...started asking for $10, then $5. I said absolutely NO. Five dollars will not get you far anyways and she said I have school. I said I am sorry it is not my place. So when we proceeded to the store for me to pick up a few items, she started looking at some steaks and chicken and asked me what she should cook-she does not cook---for dinner? I said I do not know what you want to buy. She said I don't have money. I asked her what her plans were for food in her apartment as it is not my responsibility. She replied "Really."

    After we were done there, she followed me back home. She asked me if I would get her some potatoes from KFC. My husband wanted something too, so I went. I told her I would buy her potatoes. I knew exactly where she was going with this. So this was part of my trial test so to speak so that I can discuss further with the counselor. Basically it is a simple No, I am not buying food for your household and feed that man but to let her know the things I go through with her. So we get to the restaurant and she proceeds to ask me.."Why don't you just get a bucket of chicken?" I asked her "For What?" I was not feeling so well and had a late lunch so I did not eat that evening. I said we do not need all of that nor am I going to buy that. I said you only wanted potatoes. Well we all know she was planning on taking this idiot back some dinner. I did buy her the $5 meal and my husband and did get her the extra potatoes. Early this week she asked me to meet her at Chick father in law A..... I asked her what "he" was eating for dinner. She said she was buying his dinner there. I asked her why he was not buying hers. Her response was " Can you meet me now?" avoiding my question. Well she wanted me to buy hers. So I specifically told her I would get one sandwich or nugget meal and that would be all. I know exactly what she is doing. She does not want to use her money and will not tell him this but buys his and then in turn wants me to buy hers. Well this week was it. Enough is enough. What a life at 19 and throw it all away for someone she is allowing to destroy her. I need peace in my life as I am sure we all do and this she can continue to wallow in her self-pity but I will rise above this and hopefully one day she will too.

    I continue my prayers and devotions daily. As Psalms 73: 26 says: My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
    Those who desert him will perish, for you destroy those who abandon you.
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2017
  20. Cindy Marie

    Cindy Marie Member

    I did mention the gun to the counselor towards the end of our meeting but our time was up so I will again talk to her about it.