Any one have success stories that I can hear? I think that it would help me with the decision that has been made.
It depends on how you measure success. If you mean that having our d cs leave our homes and they struggle a bit then turn things around, yes there are folks who have experienced this. In my case, my two are still out there, at 29 and 38.
Years of housing them through a “revolving door” did nothing to change them, or the choices they made, and we were caught up in what I call the swirly whirly, all the drama, depression and emotional upset that comes along with despairing over their lifestyle. It was a sychronistic mad dance, like moths to the flame. They didn’t change, in fact things got progressively worse for them and for us. Housing them and “helping” them didn’t help at all. Something had to change, and it wasn’t going to be them, I eventually learned
I had no control over their choices. The only control I had was over myself and my reaction.
So
I had to learn to change and shift my mindset.
Not easy to do for us Moms after spending years focused on raising our kids, self sacrificing time and energy to get them to be self sustainable, independent adults.
The thing is, our kids will grow up and do what they want to do. Regardless of how we raised them and what our wishes for them are. Life is short and I realize I wasted a lot of my time on earth holding my breath, despairing and basing my happiness on what my grown kids choices were.
I measure success in finding ways towards self care no matter what my adult kids are doing. Oh sure, I have my down days, but, I have a newfound outlook and desire to live the best rest of
my life.
I am grateful for the time I spent raising my children, but do understand that they are all unique individuals and will make choices and have to deal with the consequences of their decisions. It is called life, I can’t control what they do,
nor do I want to.
They have to learn and want the best for themselves.
After dealing with this for so long, my thinking is that as parents of older children, we do best by leading by example.
Modeling self care, and being kind to ourselves, expecting respect and giving respect towards others.
I think that is success, SD, finding ways to crawl up and out of the rabbit hole of our d cs choices, learning ways to prevent going down alongside of them, setting boundaries and abiding by them.
We are not rugs to be tread upon. Nor do we do our d cs any good by stressing and worrying over them. Come to find out, a lot of times I was so desperately worried for my two,
it was just another Tuesday for them.
Choosing to live well is not rejecting or not loving our adult children. It is not selfish, it is self care, something we wish the kids would do. We reject their choice of using drugs, and using us. We reject suffering the consequences they reap. We stand up for ourselves and say “no, this will not happen in my home.”
This you have done. As hard and sad as it feels now, really, you have opened the door of opportunity for your son to understand
completely the choices he is making.
He will not learn in the comfort of your home.
Success on your end is learning to take your life back and find your own peace and joy.
This happens one small step at a time.
Please know that you are not alone.
Folks here will circle the wagons of understanding around you.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy