Prison bail set at $100,000

[Lil]

One final thought. I have a dear friend who's daughter is an addict. Heroin, among other things. In the last year, she stole her mother's very expensive computer. When confronted, her response was that her dealer was going to KILL my friend if she didn't pay him. In other words - she felt it was okay because she "saved her mother's life" by stealing the computer. There was no recognition that SHE was the reason her mother's life was in danger in the first place! No remorse that her mom had to install a security system and file police reports on the threat on her life. Only anger that she was no longer allowed to come to her mother's home for any reason.

Last summer my son was stealing from us. He pawned my husband's guitars, our archery equipment, we have reason to believe he pawned my husband's guns...but they were back before knew they were missing. Our playstation, a big 6 CD changer, DVD's, CD's. We're still finding things missing...last was my mother's wedding ring and some scrap gold I'd been saving to sell. While he's admitted to most, he's denied the ring. When we retrieved the guitars, a week before college, we told him if ONE MORE THING goes missing, WE will call the police and if he's taken it, he will go to jail. When we retrieved the bow, more was in pawn that did not belong to us. He said it was for 'friends". Likely they were stolen.

So you see, I do worry he'll be arrested someday. I'm worried I'll be the one to have it done. The only reason he wasn't over the bows is they were taken before the guitars. He was advised of this. We think he believes it and I hope to God he does...because it would rip my heart out to have him arrested and yet I will do it, even if it literally kills me. Because there MUST be consequences for his actions.

I've reread MWM and my comments and WM, I don't want you to feel attacked or like we're not in your corner, because we SO ARE. Perhaps you feel differently than your posts disclose and you are only able to concentrate on one thing at a time, so you are concentrating on your son's future instead of what he's done. I would like to gently suggest a change of focus. His future will be as it will...as I've said, it's out of your hands. Getting him to see what HE had done...to see that the blame doesn't lie elsewhere...that is something you may have influence over.

 

[BusynMember]

WM, I'm not attacking you. I just hope you can see the truth about your son so that YOU can heal and you can let him face the consequences, whatever they are, learn from them and maybe turn his life around. That's all I hope. You MUST see him as he is...we all had to face it. If you don't see your son as the one who is very wrong to innocents in this you can not heal because you are still in denial that somebody else made your good little boy do it. He is not a good little boy. He's a grown man and right now a criminal and that can change. But you have to help it change by not feeding into his mindset that nothing is his fault because this one said this or that one said that. He and you both need to accept that he alone is responsible and is getting a deserved consequence for frightening some younger kids who had not threatened him.

I hope BOTH of you can heal. It starts with being honest with yourselves. Your son badly needs you to step up to the plate and know what he really is and whose fault it is. You don't have to yell meanly at him and say, "You're rotten! YOU DID THIS!" But you can say, in a calm voice, "You are in this situation because of your own choices, not anybody else's." And if he refutes it and says "It's because of stepdad, my father, you, the sun, the moon, the stars..." you can keep repeating, "The only reason you are in this situation is because of your poor choices." At least that's what I do when 36 starts up, and it has been pretty successful. I don't engage him when he is being impossible. Sometimes I say, "I have to go now" and hang up. He doesn't hate me either, if that's what you're afraid of. I think he has more respect for me now that I stand up to him. He used to throw me around like a wet rag.

Obviously, every single one of us wishes you well and hopes your son can turn his life around. Right now he is not willing to even admit to himself that he has done a bad thing, and he has.

 

[Signorina]

Thank you for painting this out MWM. My son's difficult child-dom began with a sucker punch to the head- the trauma and injury changed the course of his life and still do- long after the physical injuries have healed.

Yes, my kid is responsible for his bad decisions, no doubt. But I also believe 100% that his life would be very different if he hadn't been assaulted.

 

[Woriedmom]

My son is realizing this now and has asked me not to.interfere.... I'm the.one that needs more help can you believe this? Lol I did feel anger at my son when this teenager gave his testimony but I can tell you my son was high as a kite when he did the crime. It is no excuse I know, but if he was in his right mind it would've never happened. again I'm.not saying this to defend him it.was.his choice to allow himself to not only get high but to not go to the police for help. Now.he.actually feels.sorry for the other guy and of course the victims and is very remorseful... not so when he.first got arrested. so now my question is do I make it known that the other guy was making threats on his life even though my son has asked me not to?

 

[toughlovin]

If your son has asked you not to interfere then don't. You cant solve this for him as much as you want to.

Its a fine line sometimes between explanations and excuses. So yes your son being high might explain why he made the bad choices that he made, but you are right they are not an excuse... he still chose to get high and put himself in the situation he did.

I think MWM brings up some good points about thinking about the victims. Every time I hear about some horrible crime (such as Colombine and the like) I also think about the parents. I always feel bad for the parents because I think it would be so horrible to have your child do such horrible things. It is just hard to think about the children we love doing horrible things.....and hurting other people.

I feel for you and all you are going through.... at this point let the lawyer handle it, let your son handle it. Just let your son know you love him but it is time for you to let him act like an adult.

I have learned that I only help my son when he asks for my help, and then only if I want to and it feels reasonable to me.

TL


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Woriedmom]

Thank you TL.,again it's not that I don't want my son to not do time.... I just don't.think it fair to take away years of a young man's life on account of the lowest level of assaults. Ive been told assault charges can. Be anywhere from 1 yr. To 20 years. I predict a plea bargain will be presented to my son. . I will trust. In the Lord.

 

[amelia d]

Any good mother is hardwired to want to protect their child from pain, disappointment and difficulties. Don't feel bad about defending your son and hoping that his life gets better, he gets smarter and problems get fixed. Your defense of him is not the same as diminishing the pain or terror that his victims experienced. Keep focused on the end goal. He will pay a price for making the choices that he made, but that does not mean you're not entitled to hope for the best. As someone once said; "When the world says, "give up", Hope whispers, "try it one more time".

 

[DammitJanet]

I am trending with MWM here. I have a son who is a criminal..no doubt about it. He isnt violent though. Lil, you werent around but I am one of those unlucky parents who have had to place charges against their own son. Not fun at all.

I think there is a bit of a disconnect about what assault is and what aggravated assault is. This case is convoluted and the fact that your son had a weapon at all made it aggravated assault. He is also guilty because he was with this friend who had the gun. The old saying about laying down with dogs you wake up with fleas is a good one. In the law, its all for one and one for all. I have a friend who's son was convicted of robbery and breaking and entering.He never stole anything, never went in the store. He stayed in the car while his so called friends did the job. They convicted him because he was part of the group. And this kid was only 16 when it happened.

 

[BusynMember]

Janet, my daughter was luckier than I thought then. She was in the car when a few of her "friends" tried to rob a liquor store and never got charged with anything. Maybe it is because she was fifteen or so and a cute girl. Maybe it's because all the robbery consisted of was a couple of two bumbling criminals-in-training tried to swipe some bottles of booze and hide them in their coats so nobody was threatened or hurt. But they were charged and she was not. I didn't even know about it until she quit using drugs. She never told me what she was doing until she was caught. Then normally she lied.

The two thug-wanna-bes went on to get into huge trouble as adults. One was locked up for car theft and taking it over the state line (biggie) and the other is a druggie in/out jail. Butl, at the time of the attempted robbery, they were all only fifteen, sixteen years old and they got nailed, but not my pretty daughter. To this day she thinks the cop, who was very young too, felt sorry for her because she was crying and playing up to him.

 

[Woriedmom]

saw my son 2 days ago....this.time I went.alone.It's at.least.a 3 hour process to see him,.place.is incredibly crowded, you.take.a number and wait.a.couple hours then you.get.a body.Pat.down search before going through a few more.security rooms.. u can't take anything in the.room with the.inmates ,you have to give.your.I'D card to the guard bbefore entering the.visitation room where they have a group of 30 guys in these.booths, at least I can give him a hug but only.before and.after not.during the.visit. So....I.hug him,we sit.down...and I was.at.a.lost.for words. It.was.very awkward,. I tried.the.small talk but he only asked.if I.could bring his little sister next time. Also that.he.is.okay seeing his.step dad.but.other.than.that it.was.like pulling teeth. I'm better at writing my deep thoughts and.feelings. I told.my.Son I.loved him and he.said.he loved me too but it was difficult to get a conversation started. We.both know he is facing a serious charge. DJ is.right.. it.is.because he had a weapon the pipe that he hit the kid in the leg with. that.was it... that.one.hit to.the.leg that.didn't cause any physical damage but still it was the worst thing he could've ever done in his.whole entire 20 years. now.he's.facing.aggravated assault charges. mwm you are very lucky but I would say that it was the fact that nobody got hurt that helped the most. If she.did.get.arrested what would you have done? it.would.literally kill me if I had.a.15 yr.old daughter who faced serious charges for a crime that in my opinion wasn't her fault... her only mistake was being associated with the druggies. I did advise my son to address anything with his lawyer. To trust him and.not hold anything back. I Don't even know if I can bring my daughter to.pay him a.visit, I'm wondering if.they only allow children of.the.inmates because they ask to.see their birth certificates . My son is getting really depressed ,I hope not wishing he were dead... if he.did.he.would not tell me. he isn't one to volunteer much information you really have to pry it out of.him. I was glad he.told.me he.loved me...when the guard came over to say our half.hour was over my son gave me a hug and turned to walk away when I grabbed him and reached.on my tippy toes to.give him a big kiss on his.cheek. Again when I went out the door I had this ache in my stomach and complete sadness as if someone had died, your child.. my.child. I'm crying now. I haven't heard.from him... did I say something wrong?

 

[Woriedmom]

I just want to add that I have my days when I do laugh with my precious baby daughter however it's when I think of my son that I have to hide.my tears. I can't help it or.know where it comes from but when it hits me I always have to turn my head. The last thing I want is.for my little girl to see mommy crying over what use to be my baby boy. please be kind to me I can see where right now I am so weak. please forgive all the punctuation errors again, this late at night I'm on. My little cell phone.

 

[mom_to_3]

God bless you Woriedmom! I hear your pain. I wish it was a pain that one of us could heal for you, but we can't. Just know that as a mother there are many mothers here that feel for your hurting heart. Sadly, sometimes life takes us places we never thought we'd go. I have learned through my own trials and tribulations that in the end, it's what *we* do with the hurt and disappointments we face that make us better people. You will get through this and at some point you'll feel better. I know that is no consolation for you now. Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[pasajes4]

The sadness can be overwhelming at times. I bounce from anger to sadness to frustration all day long if I don't stay busy. I don't understand the choices that my son has made. He knew what the outcome would be and still refused to comply.

Your son has a chance to change his life for the better. You have a chance to work on changing your relationship with your son from an unhealthy, all consuming , codependent mess, to a healthy relationship. It is not easy. It starts with us valuing ourselves and taking time for ourselves.

 

[BusynMember]

My daughter always had to face the music. I turned her in once for smoking pot, hoping that it would stop her if she got into trouble. It didn't work, but we never tried to get her out of trouble. I don't think it helps to make our kids think that it's not their faults and to try to get them out of trouble. My daughter agrees with me!!!!

Having said that, there is a difference between sitting in the car with two bumbling teens who didn't threaten anyone and holding a pipe and being an adult hitting somebody unarmed and younger. Even if he didn't get seriously hurt, that could traumatize him. If your son had done that to one of my kids or to me, I'd want him punished. And if my daughter had done that, she would have had to taken her punishment. My husband and I never spent a dime trying to get her out of trouble. Trying to offer her help for drug use, yes. But once she had broken the law, she was going to face the consequences. I did cry a lot when she was never home and obviously not doing anything good, but she never let me know what s he was up to. That's when I started going to Al-Anon.

 

[BusynMember]

One last comment: I would never bring a five year old to visit a relative in jail. Can we say traumatized? Too bad if he wants to see his sister. He should have stayed out of jail then. JMO.

 

[Lil]

WM, again I am so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. I can't imagine what it's like to be in your position and I know I'd be a wreck. I'm sure not hearing from your son since you saw him last wasn't because you did or said anything wrong. Remember what my husband and everyone else has said about phone calls? It's normal.

As for taking your daughter...that's a tough one. I guess 1st, you have to think about the process you go through, the waiting and the pat downs, etc., then the environment in the visiting room, the type of people there, what she might witness. I've never been in a jail except as a lawyer and they don't have to go through the stuff visitors do, so I don't know what it's like. Do you think your daughter should go through that? Do you think your husband might strenuously object?

I guess when it comes down to it, I would err on the side of caution and protecting my little girl. You can't protect your son anymore or help him much, but you have a duty to protect her first and foremost. So, if you think she should not be subjected to the visiting room procedures and seeing her brother under these circumstances, then don't take her. Do what's best for her, even if it's not what's best for him.

In the event you don't take her, I'd see if prisoners are allowed things like photos. Have her draw him a picture, give him a photo, that sort of thing. And then tell him she won't be coming to visit because you don't want to put her thru it.

 

[toughlovin]

WM - I know how hard it is to visit someone in jail. It is such a process. When I visited m y difficult child it didnt take as long but we couldnt bring anything in, had to go through a metal detector etc. And we were behind a glass so I couldnt even give him a hug.... and I also had the same experience of having to pull teeth to have a conversation. Very awkward and difficult... lucky for me my difficult child was nearby so I didnt have to drive 3 hours to do that.

As far as helping him or making excuses.... I get that you are not making excuses for him but just think the time they are suggesting doesnt fit the level of crime he did. The court system always has long potential sentances for crimes, doesnt mean that will be what he gets. That is what plea bargaining is all about. He is facing the consequences for what he did.... and once the court system is involved, it is a crazy long process and makes sense to me to support him through it. He certainly really screwed up....made some really bad choices, but that doesnt inherently make him a bad person.

As far as taking your daughter... I would check with the jail before doing that so that you really understand what the rules are.... you dont want to go all that way and trouble and then not be able to have her see him. I saw that happen to someone when we were visiting my son.

And I would think carefully about what is good for her. That has to be your guide, what is good for her, not what he wants. If it would be good for her to see him, and is worth all the hassle, and what she will see then do it. If you dont think it is good for her then do not do it, no matter how much he wants it!

Hugs... this is really hard stuff to go through. My sons charges were not as serious but he has been in jail and it is heartwrenching to see your child in that situation. It hits you in the gut.

TL


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[donna723]

First off, I would NOT even consider taking a little five year old girl in to visit anyone in a jail! It could be traumatizing for her and Lord only knows what she might see or hear while she's there! Your son may really want to see her and that's understandable but he needs to think of what's best for HER.

If he does receive prison time, the visiting rules there are actually a little easier to comply with than in a jail. In the prison where I worked, everyone (including infants and children) was required to have a visitor application (with photo) approved and on file before they could visit.

They are VERY strict on even what is allowed on the property in visitors cars and any type of drugs, alcohol or weapons in your car can land YOU in jail! That can include the filet knife left in the trunk from the last fishing trip, a few stray shot gun shells left over from hunting season, or loose Rx medications not in the labeled bottle. We used to have random vehicle inspections of visitors cars with State Troopers, drug dogs, etc., and they made lots or arrests.

At our institution, when they came to visit, they would first go through a checkpoint where it was verified that they had an approved application on file and picture ID's were checked and compared. There was a thorough pat down search, a walk-thru metal detector, and all belongings (including shoes) were put on a conveyer belt and x-rayed. There were very few things visitors were allowed to bring in, just car keys mostly. No purses, no wallets, no cell phones, no cash or coins. They had cards that you could put money on to use in the vending machines. No shorts (even on children), no revealing clothing, no "layered" clothing. Sounds very strict and it is but there are very good reasons behind all of it. We even had visitors who attempted to smuggle in drugs in their child's shoes or in a baby's diaper. Or guys who tried to come in wearing two shirts and two pairs of pants, thinking they could slip the extras to the inmate who can then walk out unnoticed with the visitors - doesn't work. Happens all the time. There are cameras everywhere and people whose job it is to watch those cameras. I know that you would probably never even think of doing those things but those rules are there because plenty of other people have.

But once you're in, it's a very different experience from visiting in a jail. Our visiting area was a big open room with lots of tables and chairs where they can sit and visit with their family. There was even a play area for the kids with lots of books and toys and vending machines for snacks and soft drinks. It may be different in other institutions but ours did not have a time limit, other than the set visiting hours. We had a limit on how many people could be in the visiting room at a time and if it got too crowded, the first to come would be asked to leave. All in all, a much less traumatizing experience for young children and I've never seen one that looked upset or frightened by the experience.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with the others about taking your daughter to visit. Wouldn't happen. She is just too young. Now if and/or when he ends up in prison that is another story. Then I would consider it. Like Donna said, prison is simply an easier place and most try to make the visits with family important. Doesnt that sound odd to say prison is easier?

 

[Wendy23]

How are you Worried Mom?