Random acts of, well you know, and an upcoming birthday.

[Lil]

Okay, meltdown over. The car passed inspection! Best thing that happened to me today. lol Then I went to the store and bought some healthy fruits and veggies and some almond milk - just because we always wanted to try it - and we'll have a healthy dinner before we go to our second job.

I'm actually feeling less tired than I was this morning when I was posting. This is actually the biggest thing. By 10:00 or so when we get to bed, I'll be wide awake.

 

[Tanya M]

Before anyone says I did well...I was taking him some Ramen noodles because he's out of food again. Yeah, probably enabling.

So, now I've cried in a parking lot and posted this.

Gentle hugs to you Lil and you are doing well. I think I would be more concerned if you were just callous and did not care at all. It is not easy detaching, if it were I suppose there would be no need for a site like this. You are doing the absolute best you can with what you have been dealt.

I remember thinking back to before my son turned 18, I couldn't wait for the day!! I thought "once he's 18 that's it, I'm done" funny how it just doesn't work that way. It takes time to detach and for each of us the timing is different.

You are doing great!! You cry the tears you need to (and find a good waterproof mascara). Work on holding your boundaries firmly in place. Most of all you really should take some time for yourself. You give and give and give, you are such a generous person which is a beautiful trait but you need to replenish yourself.

I do hope you have a good nights rest tonight.

 

[BusynMember]

If he wants a job, he will. He's probably faster than a speeding bullet on that phone. If he doesn't, only one reason...he doesn't want a job. And, yes, nobody will hire him if he doesn't apply...lol.

I.LOVE.ALMOND.MILK!!!! YUM!

 

[SeekingStrength]

Hugs Lil & Jabber,

I so well remember that dark forest you both are in (I remember thinking we were in a place like Germany's Black Forest, though we had never actually visited).

.....and I can "1up" you, lol. Not only did our house look unkempt, I (the bill payer) quit paying bills. Or at least, I was often late. Our credit rating had been good up to that point, and is again now, but it sunk to a new low during those worst months. I. just. did. not. care. Truly, I did not. Energy was nil.

It's like you are just in basic survival mode. Once you re-enter the daylight, and you will, after leaving it up to your son to make his own movements, based on his choices, your lives will get better. It only happened for husband and me after we pulled back. As in, waaaaay back.

I look back on those dark days now and cringe. It was a difficult, difficult time. I am sorry you are in the midst of the maelstrom.

You are moving toward the light. You will eat better, exercise, go through the movements until it is your way of living again. And, you will look back and think, "Wow, cannot believe we were ever in that awful place." We hear our difficult child's have to hit rock bottom. In husband and my case, WE had to hit rock bottom until we made the conscious effort to climb out.

More hugs,
SS

 

[Lil]

.....and I can "1up" you, lol. Not only did our house look unkempt, I (the bill payer) quit paying bills. Or at least, I was often late.

Uh, yeah. Ours are pretty much all on autopay. But the ones that aren't, like medical bills and such, they tend to linger. But truthfully, I've always been bad at that. lol

Thank you everyone for all your kind words. It's such a wonderful thing, to have this board. Means the world to know we're not alone.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We have a counselor appointment for Wednesday.

I am so happy to know you have taken this step.

The benefit in it is hearing what you say. Knowing how you marshal the facts to communicate them to an outsider will be invaluable to you.

As others of us have posted to you both, there is nothing easy about what is happening to you, or to your son.

I always felt as trapped and horrified by the education my child was not pursuing, of the life paths being laid down instead of the paths into that future I was so prepared to shepherd them into, as I was by the daily shock of how everything had changed. The horrible day to day losses were bad enough, were hard enough to wrap my head around. It was watching their futures erode ~ that ate away at me in a way I cannot find words to describe.

It was that loss of, or that destruction of, that dream, that understanding of who we all were ~ that was like having pieces of myself amputated, bit by bit by bit.

It was horrendous. I still cannot describe it any other way.

I have never felt pain the way I have felt it over my kids. Helpless and vulnerable and guilty.

The others are right. You need other parents going through the same things to survive this. Not even church parents or relative parents. You really do need other parents, from whatever walk of life, parents who know what this is, to hold you up as you go through this.

We are here for you of course, but we are just online.

I think you are coming to a place where you need real, face to face validation.

This is so hard a thing. For so many of us, the stress has indeed impacted us. Skin cancers, heart murmurs, messed up metabolisms and stomachs and blood pressures and anxiety. When we were going through the worst of it, D H suffered from alopecia.

Hair loss.

Round, perfectly smooth patches, without one hair in them, in his hair and in his beard.

When the hair grew in again, it was snow white.

I am always posting about PTSD. It is real, it is a true thing that happens to us as we go through this. Whatever you can do now to help your future selves, you need to do that. You are such great people. I see you both choosing decency again and again and again over anger or labeling or any of the more destructive ways you might be thinking about your situations.

Please take good care of and cherish yourselves.

Don't let the negatives win.

Cedar

 

[Jabberwockey]

You need other parents going through the same things to survive this.

My parents have helped out some. They went through a similar situation with my uncle not long after they were married. Long story short, they were a young married couple trying to raise a rebellious, angry teen who is, to this day, a difficult child in EVERY sense of the phrase. Still has issues with the law even though its been a while since he was in prison. Still has issues with drugs, maintaining employment, you name it.

I am so happy to know you have taken this step.

It just seemed to be time. We have become stagnant and need help. We were doing ok but we are just treading water. Problem is, we are tied to the bottom, out of slack, and the water keeps rising!

 

[Childofmine]

Hey Lil. What you did yesterday was just fine.

When you are completely beaten down, like you sound like you are right now, you are doing whatever you can do to survive. Change is almost impossible.

Your son's situation has completely beaten you down. That is so understandable and I have been right there, where you are. I was there multiple times, in fact.

I remember feeling exactly the same way right before I went through my separation and divorce. I wasn't sleeping at all. I would wake up about 1 a.m. and could not go back to sleep. I could barely function.

I called my priest one morning and unloaded on him. He was a good friend. He encouraged me to call my internal medicine doctor. When I got her on the phone, I unloaded on her. The first thing she said was this: Job One is getting you some sleep. You can't deal with any of this without rest. So she gave me something for sleep immediately, and that was my first step back.

I did get on antidepressants and started going to talk therapy once a week. Once the sleep was better, the antidepressants kicked in and I could talk it out I started getting better, functioning better, and then I took more steps. Finally I was able to separate from my husband, which was awful but necessary, and then went through the divorce.

After we were divorced and I was doing well, I went off the antidepressants. I haven't needed them with my son (amazingly!) even though my emotions have been much more intense than my divorce. I have felt completely beaten down at times with his situation, like you do, but I have been able to help myself enough with my tools not to have to start where I started with my marriage situation.

Lil, you are going to be okay. You have been transparent and honest about where you are right now. You have to be completely sick and tired---to the core of your being---before you can change. Just like your son will have to feel the same way, before he will change.

We keep on doing what we do because that is what we know how to do, even if it doesn't work.
When we are completely spent---completely---we will be ready to learn a new way of living.

Perhaps you are there. Start taking steps for you, like others have mentioned here. Just do it, one at a time. You will start to feel better no matter what he decides to do or not.

Are there hard times ahead with him? Most likely he will not be ready for your decisions come June 1. You already know that by his behavior right now. Well, okay, that is fact. Over time, you are setting more boundaries because the situation itself is teaching you that helping doesn't help. And when you help, you are doing it out of your own need, which is okay, Lil. We can only do what we can live with. In time, you will even stop the ramen noodles. When you are ready.

This is the path. Unfortunately, each of us has to walk the path. We can hold your hand and kick your butt and comfort you while you are doing it, but you have to walk it.

Letting your son go completely, God Bless Him, is what it takes, Lil. I have walked that path, and it is the toughest one of my life.

Today, start taking steps to help YOU. You have a life and you are 51% more important than he is at 49%. Start living that equation.

We are here for you, no matter what you decide to do. It's your life and your decision, and we understand how so very hard it is. Warm hugs today.

 

[Lil]

I actually slept pretty good last night. Certainly better than usual. I could have used another hour or two, but I got to have a relatively easy morning, got my car licensed and blood work for my physical and got to work by 8:45. And it's one of my scheduled "easy" days at work. We all get two days a month with no scheduled appointments to catch up. Hopefully I can get something productive done.

It just seemed to be time. We have become stagnant and need help. We were doing ok but we are just treading water. Problem is, we are tied to the bottom, out of slack, and the water keeps rising!

I agree, although there's a part of me that has the "Jeeze...MORE to schedule into out lives" feeling. But I recognize that things need to change.

We're fine - that is, Jabber and I as a couple are fine, not fighting, not on the edge of divorce or anything crazy like that. But our lives in general? I think his description of "treading water" is completely accurate. We're alive, but we're not getting any closer to shore and occasionally in danger of drowning.

That definitely has to change.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Problem is, we are tied to the bottom, out of slack, and the water keeps rising!

There is an old Johnny Cash/June Carter song that goes: "How high's the water, Mama?" In the song the water goes from three feet with a bridge and some chickens and a boat to six feet, no boat, washed out bridge.

What happened to the chickens is not addressed, I don't think.

The song ends with the water "Six feet high and rising."

For some reason, D H and I find that song hilarious ~ just so uncontrollably funny to us. We sit out on the pontoon and play that song and sing the chorus to each other and laugh at how surely that old song describes us.

But we have one another to do that with, so isn't that something, after all.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Okay, so I remembered the song a little differently than he sings it here.

I still love it. I am going to play it for D H tonight.

:O)

Cedar