Seek's Journey: Some Experiences, Insights, Lessons, Tools, Other :)

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by seek, Aug 12, 2017.

  1. seek

    seek Member

    I'm a writer, and need to process stuff to integrate it - so I am going to see if it helps to do so here.

    I just dropped my grandson off at a new rehab a couple of days ago. I am recovering from his time with me, which was approximately one month.

    Yesterday, I made a list of all of the events, because I wanted to examine my behavior. I do not want to "enable" him. I do support him in recovery.

    I initially took him in when he had been on a bender for a few days at his mom's house. I had texted him and asked if he had eaten anything and he said no, that he would have an apple or something. I brought him some dinner and he was coherent and said he was going to rehab the next day. His mom was going to drive him. His mom is alcoholic too and was staying elsewhere, but was texting him and was becoming unstable. She asked me if I would drive him to rehab in the morning and I said I would. Then my grandson asked if he could stay at my house for the night, since I would be driving him (he hated being at his mom's at that point - lots of bad memories).

    I said yes, as the plan was to go to rehab in the a.m. and it was already 8 something at night. The next morning he told me that there had been a "change in plans" - that he could not go to rehab until the following day (had to meet with certain people, was the reason). Since he was detoxing, I said yes. He has detoxed at my house several times. Alcohol detox is dangerous - I will elaborate on this problem that I have around this later on . . .

    So I drove him to rehab the following day, which was a Friday, and worried all weekend whether he was alive or dead (there was a heat wave and as I said, detox is dangerous and from experience I know that people need a lot of TLC, water, food, vitamins, and a quiet environment.

    Monday morning he texted me that "unfortunately" he had left rehab. This was a six month program that he had successfully completely before. He did not want to go back, but had nowhere else to go, basically - he was embarrassed and I guess, despondent (he told me he was having very dark thoughts - which can be part of detox or can just be whatever).

    Since he was sober (I told him not to come over unless he was sober and that I would not be releasing his car to him (which I was storing) unless he was sober. His boss volunteered to give him his job back and he was going to go back to work the next day (Tuesday). He was planning to go to sober living with his next check, which would be in two weeks. His plan was to live in his car. I said he could stay with me, since he was sober, working, and had a plan to go to sober living (and I do think there was a little manipulation there, but he later told me that he was surprised I offered to let him stay - I had not had much interaction with him when he was relapsing at his mom's - didn't call him or text him and would not let him visit me at my house).

    So he started staying with me and went to work every day and was polite and things were good.


    Until he decided he wanted to spend the night in another city, so he could partake in a sports tournament and go to this certain church. I told him I thought it was not a great idea, but that since he is an adult, there was nothing I could do. He left on a Saturday and was to come back Sunday - he said around 4. I will cut to the chase and say that did not happen - he kept extending the time he was going to come home and ended up not coming home at all. I went to bed and turned off my phone. The next morning, upon inquiry, it turns out he had been in jail (DUI). His boss informed me he was jailed, but didn't know what the charges were. I had still not heard from him. That night, I went to bed and got a knock on the door around 11:45 p.m. (he had texted earlier, but I didn't see it). I let him in - and he was drunk, I think (don't even remember, so many other things happened after that). He slept on the couch and I went to bed.

    In the morning he told me what happened - that he had been arrested for DUI, had made a big mistake in judgment in going away for that weekend and that he was going to get back on track. Here is where my denial was: I believed him! He said he was going to the gym and would be back later on. Again, I believed him - why wouldn't I? His boss said he could have his job back if he notified him by that evening. He was texting me all day - saying he was working out, etc. Finally, at 5:45 p.m., he came home and he was really drunk - THIS IS WHERE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO . . . I could not turn him away, because he had been driving drunk, and obviously had no compunctions against doing so - so I told him to come in . . . I did not want to have innocent people hurt by him . . . he came in and passed out - the next day (Tuesday), he said he was going to leave to meet with his sponsor (I said I thought he sponsor worked days and was in another town . . .crickets) . . . he did not come home this night!

    I found a rehab and texted him that I had "options" for him - I found a holistic rehab - non 12 Step - he said it sounded too good to be true. Interestingly, he did research (while I did not) and it turns out it used to be associated with Scientology (not trying to offend anyone who is into that, but he is not). He sent me all kinds of links, etc. I said "let's just go check it out, and you can decide." He agreed and came to my house and I drove him up there (in the mountains). He was very agitated in the car and would not get out of the car when we got there. I took him back to my house. He left again and this is where it gets really scary for me. I heard sirens (in retrospect) - he had parked around the corner from my house, was drinking in his car, and someone evidently saw him passed out and called 911. The fire department and police came. He got another DUI (within four days in two separate counties). He texted me from a "sobering center" where they took him. He called me in the morning and asked if I would pick him up. I said I would if he would go to long term rehab. He agreed. The detox process started and lasted six days. In the middle of it, he threatened to leave (that always happens). He did not leave, but I had to scream and yell and jump up and down and wore myself out. I am saying that for my sake, because I had to exert A LOT of energy.

    I did a lot of cooking and cleaning (cooking to try to get him healthy) - cleaning for my sake - to keep the energy in my house as clean as I could possibly make it.

    I used healing music and diffused essential oils (day and night).

    I gave him vitamins.

    I dropped him off at the rehab and he vowed to complete the program (he volunteered that). The rehab makes the residents work, so he has been interviewing for jobs. This morning he said he might get one that has hours from 5 a.m. to 1 p.m. - this worries me as in 12 step they talk about HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired - as being triggers - he would get very little sleep. This is where I have to "let go," and I am trying to develop a theory of life for myself that will allow me to do so.

    I paid for the rehab (which is very affordable - sliding scale based on his situation).

    What I need to work on is being okay with him dying. I need to do a lot of work around this, because as a grandma who helped raise him, my "job" was to try to keep him well and alive - now I have to let go of that as my "job," even though I am helping him by paying for rehab. I have to get stronger in my conviction that every human being is a sovereign being on their own path - and that we all die - and that he makes choices for himself, and while I hope he thrives and lives - it is not up to me. That is where my work is.

    I also told him not to come to me if he relapses, but he usually reaches out to me. This is where it is hard for me and I get confused (especially if I feel he is not well or if I feel he is a danger to himself or other people). He had lots of dark thoughts when he was detoxing and I told him if he left, I would dial 911 and report him and he told me they would never find him.

    People who drink alcoholically, that intensely, have a death wish (my perspective, after talking to him) and there is nothing I can do to save him (although he credits me for such).

    A couple of year's ago, he was in ICU due to a really bad situation, and I get so scared. Right now, I am in the position of begging him to get the free insurance that our state offers. I see how crazy it is that I am begging him to do something he "should" want to do for himself. This really hangs me up.

    In the day or so since he's been gone, I have been taking care of myself - had my house cleaned, am moving the stuff he left here to storage, and got a massage.

    This is not easy stuff.

    My spiritual beliefs are that this is not accidental - that we have some kind of contract to learn stuff together in this life. I want to focus on what it is I am learning - what good is coming out of this for me. There has been a lot. Right now I am too tired to deconstruct it!





     
  2. seek

    seek Member

    One thing I noticed is during the entire process, I was mostly calm (except for the times when he was acting out - when we were in the car and a couple of times when he was detoxing and said he was leaving).

    That is major progress for me.

    I was worried this morning about various things, but now feel I am regaining my equilibrium.

    This is very hard work for me - retraining myself not to be in fear 24/7, not to be controlling or reactive.

    The lessons in all of this for me: I know my growth has been enormous through this entire process. I would have never wished this on myself or anyone else, and if anyone had told me I would go through hell for years and years - I would have found it so unbearable.

    Looking back - there were so many stages of anger, grief, sadness, resistance, etc. - then acceptance of some things.

    I still cannot believe that people CHOOSE to live in such chaos - this is where I assume it's all an elaborate spiritual hat trick that was engineered by me and whomever is on the other end for the purpose of some lesson that needs to be learned.

    Just last month, I would have said that the only lessons I have learned have been negative ones (not to trust people, not to believe in positive outcomes, etc.), but now I see that the experiences have been so nuanced.

    They are not just black and white "bad" experiences - they are infused with love and growth - I believe on both sides.

    There have been many synchronicities - during detox the TV was on a lot. I had a boundary "nothing negative" (he likes 48 Hours and other murder mysteries and I don't want that negative energy in my home) - I discovered the network Gaia - which I had never heard of before - and Depak Chopra had a program on that we both watched, which was simply phenomenal. My grandson can be very negative, yet he said he really enjoyed it - so who knows - maybe some seeds were planted. It was definitely good stuff for me to hear.

    We also watched "What Would You Do," which has many moral lessons about the "right" thing to do. I try not to be judgmental - had never really been preachy with him, but this time I told him what my morals are on drinking/drugging - and that I think it is "evil" and invites in lower energies. I am not under the illusion that this is going to "fix" him - but it makes me feel better about myself not to withhold what my true feelings are on the matter.

    I feel better about myself.

    At one point he looked at me and said: "You are a beautiful person, inside and out." That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in my life and it was not anything I had ever been angling for, but felt like such a true, Divinely inspired gift. (He had been mean to me for years and years so it was even nicer since I have been scapegoated by my family). It didn't feel like it was my ego that liked it (although I am sure there was some of that) - just felt like a loving sentiment.

    My dog also bonded with my grandson and vice-versa - my grandson told me he now "loves" my dog (never did before and I have had the dog for nine years and he helped me get him!) . . . so I feel our hearts were opened somehow - that there was "goodwill" (which is one of my core values that everyone in my family has rejected).

    I feel like this is SOMETHING . . . not sure what.
     
  3. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Its time to step back and not deal with this anymore. If car is in your name, dont give it to him, hes gonna kill someone, he obviously doesnt care for himself. 2 dui in 4 days, he would go to jail here in arizona. Maybe thats what he needs. Focus on yourself. I know its hard, sad, painful. You will go thru a grieving process, like i am now of what could have been. My son ruin my dreams. So now im making new ones without pinning too much on him. If hes there sober great if not so be it. His choice
     
  4. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    Yes, my first thoughts were - take the keys, or if you can't legally, you can report him for having a DUI, even by calling the police when he gets to your house driving drunk. I am sure deep down he would rather you did than him causing some serious damage. I think I would warn him first if you intend to do that.

    I think it depends on his motivation. I mean, its great you are giving him options, but you can lead a horse to water, etc. I think addictions are not evil, but they are a terribly effective way to regulate emotions that have become unmanageable. Sadness, depression, anxiety, grief, anger maybe. Its unfair to just demand someone stop - what do they do with all their feelings? Not that you are doing that, but certainly there is that kind of thinking out there.
     
  5. seek

    seek Member

    The story was long, so you might not have caught the details . . . I dropped him off at rehab after detoxing at my house for six days (not leaving the house).

    The police took his license and he has court dates. He is no longer driving (I didn't add that).

    My dilemma was having him show up drunk after driving to my house. I could not turn him away because I did not want him to drive in that state. When he drove from my house on successive days, he was sober.

    There is also a problem with lack of free detox facilities - and alcohol withdrawal can be deadly, and has to be monitored (best in a medical facility where they can take blood pressure and monitor other vitals) - hospitals are not equipped to do this and won't do it - so if a severe alcoholic shows up at your house (say - and luckily most people won't have to deal with this) and the person WANTS to go to rehab - and there are free and low cost rehabs - they must first go through detox - which takes around seven days (can take two weeks or more) . . . so that is a missing piece - I could not turn my grandson away when he says he wants to get sober - can't turn him out on the streets to die of alcohol poisoning or withdrawal . . . it's a logistical and moral problem (for me) . . .

    Anyway . . . I am writing about my journey and my struggles . . . every one has different circumstances and challenges . . .
     
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  6. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I find sharing my journey and struggles helps me process also...

    It sounds like you are figuring it out and doing what you think is best.

    In terms of coming to a realization your grandson may die of this... i can't help with that. I cannot go there myself or I will be paralyzed. I work in today and keep myself cautious and hopeful about tomorrow. I can't think about death in terms of my son or I won't be able to function so I have no advice for you, I'm sorry.

    Keep talking if that helps you and seek out real time therapy because it may be really healing for you to process all this with someone in real time.

    Take care...
     
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  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    There are no hard fast rules on this journey. If you believe that what you are doing is helping him, then keep doing it. When you see that it is not helping, you have the choice to stop doing those things.
     
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  8. seek

    seek Member

    I have to think philosophically about death, because it helps me not make it the worst thing that could happen.

    Obviously, alcohol and drug addiction is not consistent with "healthy life." I have no control over his choices, and am shocked at many of them, which to me, make no sense (in terms of survival or having a healthy life) - so rather than fight with "what is," I am working with myself to understand that I have no control over someone else's life or their death . . . and that we all die . . .

    My beliefs are not mainstream - I believe there is purpose to everything - and that contracts are made before life to play out certain scenarios . . . I don't know why I am here on this planet - not sure what I am gaining by being involved in this drama, but I do know that all of this has made me grow and expand. I also know that I have come a long way in forgiving him, and other family members for acting out. I do NOT and never will understand making choices that hurt yourself AND other people - I feel that is morally wrong and I view it as a mental illness - a twisted coping mechanism . . . I studied Abraham Hicks and they say that every person is simply seeking relief - and I believe that is true.

    I am currently grappling with the idea of "hope." I have been very hopeful - someone told me in AA they have something to say about "hope" - not sure what it is. I don't know, if in my case, it is going into denial or living in a fantasy world - I think it is basically "none of my business" what he ends up doing . . . as we are all sovereign beings on our own spiritual paths (my belief).

    Today I am struggling because of my fears - I have other family members that I am not as attached to - when you are attached, and you feel that the person might not be making "good" choices, then you feel fear that something "bad" may happen - I fear I might be called on to do something that I don't want to do - or that I won't be able to cope - it's about his health and well-being - which "I" want - and my coping mechanism, which I fear may be failing. It's painful.

    One of the things that I noticed in the month long process was that I was able to maintain my sanity and had emotional well-being, most of the time. Today, I feel like I am slipping a bit and need to do whatever to restore myself to the place where "all is well," no matter what is going on in the outer world.


    I have no family support, which I seem to be coming to terms with after many years of hoping for it (there's that word again) and thinking that "this time" my children would step up and at least offer me some emotional comfort - but they can't and/or won't - and I have to face it. I also have no real, true friends who would "be there" for me, should I need a shoulder to lean on. I do have paid people who can help me, so at least that is one good thing.

    I don't want to go into "pity party" mode!!! Feel like I'm on the verge of it!
     
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Seek,

    I have many days like that you describe.

    Yesterday was one of.them. it's probably not normal but I have actually thought about what I would say at his funeral, maybe because I attended a teens that drugs were the equation.

    I know any interference in his life he does not want...he does not want to.communicate on my terms...so it's like he's far away.

    Stay strong...this tough stuffiness seem to stretch and grow us.
     
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  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Stuff
     
  11. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Seek, what you wrote spoke to me. I'm still letting go of my 39 year old son. He is on his own path. He has a God and I'm not it. Believe me, I've tried to save him. I too have little family support. I do have a few good friends and have recently found a tiny country church I like. And a good Alanon group.
     
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  12. seek

    seek Member

    Mamacat: Awesome that you found some support! To me, support is crucial. I am not an Alanon person (after several years of going consistently). But I think it is helpful for those who resonate with it.

    Your statement: "He has a God and I'm not it," is everything! Because I had to help raise my grandson and felt alone in doing so, I think I developed a bit of a God-complex. Parents and grandparents are "supposed" to keep their progeny alive through good care practices - so I did everything I could - when there were no groceries, I bought food; provided most of his clothing, all of his toiletries, and most of his care . . .

    Now he is an adult (mid-twenties) - and he is "supposed" to have learned to care for himself - except he has been self-destructive and has actively done stuff to harm his body/mind/spirit . . .

    I wish God/Angels/Other would step in and give me strong messages about what to do and not do - in the absence of that guidance, I have to figure it out for myself. I rely on my gut and then I check my motives . . . I mostly trust my responses, but I have a lot of fear around interfering in negative ways (don't ever want to do that). It's very difficult, as you know.

    When a person actively poisons their bodies, the natural consequence, unless there is Divine intervention, I would think would be sickness and/or death - but then Adele Davis (famous health fanatic from the 70's) died of cancer, and the guy who ate pine cones did too, so who really knows (it's not a 1for1 equation).

    My values are very strong about promotion of health and well-being - I think it is strange that he chose me for a grandma (if that's how it works). In my youth, I was unconscious and smoked, etc. - I "didn't know" it was bad for you (when I grew up in the 50's, they had those commercials were doctors were recommending cigarettes). I also didn't know that alcohol is a carcinogen until a couple of years ago - the medical establishment certainly doesn't broadcast it - I don't know why First Responders aren't more outspoken about what they see and experience on a daily basis.
     
  13. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Seek. Don't EVER let an alcoholic or benzo addict detox at your home or ANYWHERE where they aren't under close medical care. Either detox can be fatal without medical management, benzos due to fatal seizures, and alcohol due to seizures, extremely high blood pressure causing strokes and cardiac events.

    You can be charged with failure to obtain medical care if someone detoxing dies in your home.

    Next time, have him hospitalized.
     
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  14. seek

    seek Member

    You don't seem to understand. Hospitals will not admit someone for detox. Free detox centers are few and far between (none in my county - in an adjacent county, only 10 beds - you have to call around the clock).

    Your comment actually made me feel worse - I know how dangerous it is - yet there are no options - so what am I supposed to do and why is this my problem?

    He could also get insurance, but has not done so yet - despite my nagging.

    Ugh.
     
  15. seek

    seek Member

    That comment triggered something in me that I need to process - this is not against one person - I don't know the person who made the comment, and I'm sure she is well-intentioned - it is that many people are so sure they "know what's best" for one and all - and yet, each person must figure it out for themselves.

    There are not the kind of resources that are ideal for alcoholics and addicts. It's just a sad fact of life.

    Please do not judge those of us who are truly doing the best we can with the information and resources we have (and are trying to survive horrible traumas by ourselves).
     
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  16. seek

    seek Member

    I am aware of "famous" faith-based long term rehabs that take clients in who are detoxing . . . they do nothing for them - other than provide a bed . . . no special care at all - I was also told that the ten bed detox center - which is specifically for detox - also just provides beds - this one does take vitals and if there is cause for concern, will take the person to the hospital - but then, hospitals only treat crisis and stabilize, and detox takes days to weeks . . .it is a real problem - not sure how other parents handle this . . . maybe I should do a search and see if it has been discussed.

    This is a terrible problem.
     
  17. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    My son detoxed at my house about 5 years ago. Heroin. There was no other place to go that I knew of. I read online about it and gathered what I needed. This time he detoxed in jail, but I'm pretty certain he's using again. He's on the streets a thousand miles away. My heart is breaking. Right now I have no contact with him.
     
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  18. seek

    seek Member

    Processing: The "decisions" - I have been battling the "decisions" for many years - trying to raise the teen till now . . . raising my concerns . . . it has all been for ill.

    This is where the rubber meets the road. I need to let go of "trying" to introduce logic and function into any conversation . . .

    Until this latest episode, I did not understand the SEVERITY of the "disease" (and by that, I mean the mental illness that fuels the alcoholism). In my grandson's case, I think it is childhood trauma and sheer terror (fear). We have the fear thing in common . . . I am trying to transcend my fear by accepting it and having faith that there is a larger reason for this incarnation that I am yet to understand or comprehend.

    I feel very grateful today that I still have my health (apparently) - and that I have a beautiful little dog that is accompanying me on my journey. He is 13 so I hope he lasts for a few more years (I had one who lived to be 20, so I am "hopeful" (there's that word again!).

    I am cooking dinner right now. I have had a very pleasant, relaxing day. No drama or trauma. How wonderful!!!!

    My grandson is apparently in rehab, so if so, he is "safe." (Safety is one of my issues). I have to let go of his trajectory. I cannot influence him. For some reason he cannot bring himself to sign up for insurance (which infuriates me - the procrastination I just don't get). He is applied for a job that starts at 5 a.m., so if he gets it, not much sleep (which again makes me crazy). I have to let go of all of this. This is his life and his decisions about his life.
     
  19. seek

    seek Member

    So sad to hear this Mamacat . . .I sent you a pm. Take good care of yourself!
     
  20. seek

    seek Member

    In the past, I studied Abraham-Hicks, LOA quite a bit - have not been attracted to it for awhile, but just did a cursory review of a forum and realized I am totally focused on negative - so what you focus on expands - and it doesn't help my grandson any to describe him mainly in negative terms . . .so this post is being made to reframe some of what has happened in a more positive way. It's important for me to do this because I have therapy tomorrow and was going to go on and on about all of the gruesome details. That would NOT be a good idea!

    So:

    1) I am lucky I got to spend a lot of "quality" one-on-one time with my grandson recently. We really enjoyed each other's company.
    2) I am lucky I was healthy and was able to take care of my grandson when he needed me.
    3) I am grateful that my grandson did not hurt himself or anyone else during the past few weeks.
    4) I am grateful my little dog was available to assist us both, emotionally. He was a great comfort to both of us.
    5) I enjoyed cooking some meals for my grandson.
    6) I enjoyed watching some TV shows with my grandson.
    7) I enjoyed doing laundry for my grandson (yeah, I know it's weird).
    8) I am happy that I understand how important it is to keep one's house clean and to clean the energy every day - to sweep and sage, and diffuse essential oils and play healing music.
    9) I am happy that my home is so uplifting and that my house sits on a beautiful spot in nature.
    10) I am happy that I have the resources to buy enough groceries for me and my grandson (he ate like a horse).
    11) I am grateful that we watched Depak Chopra together.
    12) I am grateful that I had some emotional assistance in the form of a consultant who told me that he was "there for me."
    13) I am grateful that there was an opening for my grandson in rehab (the recording said a month waiting list).
    14) I am grateful that I was able to get a massage when he left for rehab.
    15) I am grateful I have essential oils that help me deal with emotions.


    etc., etc.
     
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