I'm a writer, and need to process stuff to integrate it - so I am going to see if it helps to do so here. I just dropped my grandson off at a new rehab a couple of days ago. I am recovering from his time with me, which was approximately one month. Yesterday, I made a list of all of the events, because I wanted to examine my behavior. I do not want to "enable" him. I do support him in recovery. I initially took him in when he had been on a bender for a few days at his mom's house. I had texted him and asked if he had eaten anything and he said no, that he would have an apple or something. I brought him some dinner and he was coherent and said he was going to rehab the next day. His mom was going to drive him. His mom is alcoholic too and was staying elsewhere, but was texting him and was becoming unstable. She asked me if I would drive him to rehab in the morning and I said I would. Then my grandson asked if he could stay at my house for the night, since I would be driving him (he hated being at his mom's at that point - lots of bad memories). I said yes, as the plan was to go to rehab in the a.m. and it was already 8 something at night. The next morning he told me that there had been a "change in plans" - that he could not go to rehab until the following day (had to meet with certain people, was the reason). Since he was detoxing, I said yes. He has detoxed at my house several times. Alcohol detox is dangerous - I will elaborate on this problem that I have around this later on . . . So I drove him to rehab the following day, which was a Friday, and worried all weekend whether he was alive or dead (there was a heat wave and as I said, detox is dangerous and from experience I know that people need a lot of TLC, water, food, vitamins, and a quiet environment. Monday morning he texted me that "unfortunately" he had left rehab. This was a six month program that he had successfully completely before. He did not want to go back, but had nowhere else to go, basically - he was embarrassed and I guess, despondent (he told me he was having very dark thoughts - which can be part of detox or can just be whatever). Since he was sober (I told him not to come over unless he was sober and that I would not be releasing his car to him (which I was storing) unless he was sober. His boss volunteered to give him his job back and he was going to go back to work the next day (Tuesday). He was planning to go to sober living with his next check, which would be in two weeks. His plan was to live in his car. I said he could stay with me, since he was sober, working, and had a plan to go to sober living (and I do think there was a little manipulation there, but he later told me that he was surprised I offered to let him stay - I had not had much interaction with him when he was relapsing at his mom's - didn't call him or text him and would not let him visit me at my house). So he started staying with me and went to work every day and was polite and things were good. Until he decided he wanted to spend the night in another city, so he could partake in a sports tournament and go to this certain church. I told him I thought it was not a great idea, but that since he is an adult, there was nothing I could do. He left on a Saturday and was to come back Sunday - he said around 4. I will cut to the chase and say that did not happen - he kept extending the time he was going to come home and ended up not coming home at all. I went to bed and turned off my phone. The next morning, upon inquiry, it turns out he had been in jail (DUI). His boss informed me he was jailed, but didn't know what the charges were. I had still not heard from him. That night, I went to bed and got a knock on the door around 11:45 p.m. (he had texted earlier, but I didn't see it). I let him in - and he was drunk, I think (don't even remember, so many other things happened after that). He slept on the couch and I went to bed. In the morning he told me what happened - that he had been arrested for DUI, had made a big mistake in judgment in going away for that weekend and that he was going to get back on track. Here is where my denial was: I believed him! He said he was going to the gym and would be back later on. Again, I believed him - why wouldn't I? His boss said he could have his job back if he notified him by that evening. He was texting me all day - saying he was working out, etc. Finally, at 5:45 p.m., he came home and he was really drunk - THIS IS WHERE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO . . . I could not turn him away, because he had been driving drunk, and obviously had no compunctions against doing so - so I told him to come in . . . I did not want to have innocent people hurt by him . . . he came in and passed out - the next day (Tuesday), he said he was going to leave to meet with his sponsor (I said I thought he sponsor worked days and was in another town . . .crickets) . . . he did not come home this night! I found a rehab and texted him that I had "options" for him - I found a holistic rehab - non 12 Step - he said it sounded too good to be true. Interestingly, he did research (while I did not) and it turns out it used to be associated with Scientology (not trying to offend anyone who is into that, but he is not). He sent me all kinds of links, etc. I said "let's just go check it out, and you can decide." He agreed and came to my house and I drove him up there (in the mountains). He was very agitated in the car and would not get out of the car when we got there. I took him back to my house. He left again and this is where it gets really scary for me. I heard sirens (in retrospect) - he had parked around the corner from my house, was drinking in his car, and someone evidently saw him passed out and called 911. The fire department and police came. He got another DUI (within four days in two separate counties). He texted me from a "sobering center" where they took him. He called me in the morning and asked if I would pick him up. I said I would if he would go to long term rehab. He agreed. The detox process started and lasted six days. In the middle of it, he threatened to leave (that always happens). He did not leave, but I had to scream and yell and jump up and down and wore myself out. I am saying that for my sake, because I had to exert A LOT of energy. I did a lot of cooking and cleaning (cooking to try to get him healthy) - cleaning for my sake - to keep the energy in my house as clean as I could possibly make it. I used healing music and diffused essential oils (day and night). I gave him vitamins. I dropped him off at the rehab and he vowed to complete the program (he volunteered that). The rehab makes the residents work, so he has been interviewing for jobs. This morning he said he might get one that has hours from 5 a.m. to 1 p.m. - this worries me as in 12 step they talk about HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired - as being triggers - he would get very little sleep. This is where I have to "let go," and I am trying to develop a theory of life for myself that will allow me to do so. I paid for the rehab (which is very affordable - sliding scale based on his situation). What I need to work on is being okay with him dying. I need to do a lot of work around this, because as a grandma who helped raise him, my "job" was to try to keep him well and alive - now I have to let go of that as my "job," even though I am helping him by paying for rehab. I have to get stronger in my conviction that every human being is a sovereign being on their own path - and that we all die - and that he makes choices for himself, and while I hope he thrives and lives - it is not up to me. That is where my work is. I also told him not to come to me if he relapses, but he usually reaches out to me. This is where it is hard for me and I get confused (especially if I feel he is not well or if I feel he is a danger to himself or other people). He had lots of dark thoughts when he was detoxing and I told him if he left, I would dial 911 and report him and he told me they would never find him. People who drink alcoholically, that intensely, have a death wish (my perspective, after talking to him) and there is nothing I can do to save him (although he credits me for such). A couple of year's ago, he was in ICU due to a really bad situation, and I get so scared. Right now, I am in the position of begging him to get the free insurance that our state offers. I see how crazy it is that I am begging him to do something he "should" want to do for himself. This really hangs me up. In the day or so since he's been gone, I have been taking care of myself - had my house cleaned, am moving the stuff he left here to storage, and got a massage. This is not easy stuff. My spiritual beliefs are that this is not accidental - that we have some kind of contract to learn stuff together in this life. I want to focus on what it is I am learning - what good is coming out of this for me. There has been a lot. Right now I am too tired to deconstruct it!