She Went Too Far This Time...

[Copabanana]

Hi again, Skool Teacher

I agree with Applecori. When she realizes that this is not just a theater on your part, she will likely pull out the stops to manipulate you into relenting. With all your might try to stay strong. It is the best for her. Not just you. Her.

By giving into our children, by allowing them to continue calling the shots and abusing themselves and us, we as if condone it. We cannot. She must be contained. Independent of what is good for you. A line in the sand must be drawn by you. As surely as you did when she was 2 or 3, this must be done by us now. It is just as important.

You will change mightily to from this. This is the beginning of he rest of your life, as it is hers.

I applaud your strength. We are all here behind you. Wishing you peace and contentment.

COPA

 

[TheWalrus]

Most of the time, the weed is all we "know" about. Mine did that too - and found out a very, very hard way that she was also on much harder drugs. I hope that isn't the case with your daughter.

Getting her out of your vehicle was absolutely right - for her safety along with others on the road. And had she had a serious accident, you could be held financially responsible with the truck and policy in your name.

As for her texting, that doesn't surprise me. They really don't "listen" or "get" it when we say no. She probably does think you are just trying to scare her and teach her a lesson and then all will be forgiven and she can come back home. Especially since you have tolerated so much in the past.

As long as you give, she will take. As long as you are responsible for her, she won't be responsible for herself. Childhood is over but they want all the freedom from responsibility that comes as a child along with the right to do as they please as adults. They cannot have it both ways.

 

[pigless in VA]

I asked her didn't she know I would find out.

I asked Ferb the same question. The answer is that when the child is being selfish and impulsive, no, they don't think about the long-term consequences. They don't think about how their actions impact their families.

I told Ferb that each time he used my credit card that he was essentially saying, "#*@& you, Mom!" Over and over and over. I think for him that he simply believed that I have an unlimited supply of money.

I learned a lot of important life lessons by not having enough food to eat and zero money for "bs" as you put it.

 

[Childofmine]

Welcome to the forum, Skool. I'm so sorry, but it sounds like the drama with your daughter has been going on a long, long time. You also sound like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. That is a very good place to get to, for us and for them.

My path was very similar. I pushed and pulled and put up with...with my Difficult Child from middle school on until his outrageous behavior was finally too much even for me, his mother. Then he was out of here, and out on the street.

For many of us, stealing from us is the final straw. It was for me too. I was already crazy with trying to deal with his behavior, crazy, exhausted and heartsick.

My son's path went down and down and down for about five years after he left here, with jail, homelessness and drug use. It was more than I could ever have conceived of in a million years.

His decline started with alcohol, went to pot, and then pills and who knows what else. I believe he has "done" a lot of drugs. He went to multiple rehabs but he was never ready so they didn't "take."

Anyway, the turnaround came for him, when he was in jail the last time waiting to be sentenced. His public defender told him to get ready to go to jail for four years (he had broken probation). He told Difficult Child it would happen the next day in court. Difficult Child said he laid awake all night, terrified. The next day the judge let him walk out of there----I wasn't there so I have no idea what was said in court---and it's now more than 18 months of steady progress. He is like a different person.

One time I was told by a police officer that "this" would probably go on until he was about 25 or 26 and then most of them stopped. I said: "Do you promise?"

My learning from all of this was that nothing in the world I did or said slowed him down. In fact, I think it sped him up in his defiance and his addiction. Finally, when I got out of the way, stood way way back from his life, let him take the consequences of his actions and didn't interfere, that is when he began to turn around...in time. It took a long long time and many times I wondered if what I had done---stopping enabling and standing back---was making any kind of difference.

I also learned that I was not going to the catalyst of his change if it ever was to come. That was huge for me, because as his mother, I thought I should be the Last Man Standing for him. I was only preventing the inevitable and once again, providing a safety net for him.

Dealing with ourselves takes time. We have to do a lot of learning and changing. It usually starts with being where you are...completely done and sick and tired. But often that passes, and we get involved with them again. It's very very very hard to stand strong against our child, who we love so very much. We can't tolerate our own fear, guilt, shame, depression, grief and despair...so we start trying to save them again and again and again.

If you do that, it's okay. It's a progression. Especially without support, this is just too hard. Please consider getting involved in programs like Al-Anon, reading books like Boundaries and CoDependent No More, building a toolbox for yourself that you can use daily to get stronger in your thinking and your behavior when it comes to her. You will need the support in order to stand strong. It's too hard otherwise.

My own precious mother, who is 83 years old, has her alcoholic son---my brother---living with she and my dad. My brother's alcoholism is progressing and everybody in our family is upset about it. But my mother---his chief enabler---can't do what she needs to do. She can't set boundaries with him due to her own guilt and fear about his life. She has no "support system" because she won't seek one out. So, like her counselor told her...you are killing him. You are killing him as surely as you take a gun to his head. But my mother can't stand up to it all because she has no tools and her feelings take her over.

I understand that, and I have compassion for them all. I have let go of my brother, and of my mother's inability to set boundaries, and of my dad's rage about it all. They will have to walk their own path, whatever it is. I can't shake them hard enough to make them see. I learned that a long long time ago.

Hang in there, and take this whole thing one day at a time. You won't handle it all perfectly, and that's okay. Nothing is a deal-breaker believe me, we (as moms) just aren't that important to them at this stage of their lives. We are usually a "provider" of things, and that is what they see us as, right now.

We are glad you are here. Keep posting. This is a great group of people with much encouragement and support to share.

 

[New Leaf]

Going to enjoy a glass of wine before bed and enjoy my peace. Praying that God protects and guides my wayward adult child now that she is truly on her own.

This is good Teacher, a nice glass of wine and peace. When the situation with my two became so overwhelming that I just couldn't handle it anymore (and this was actually after the peaceful feeling of them leaving) I gave them to God. When I find my thoughts spinning with worry over them, I say a quick prayer, it helps to calm me.
While it was difficult living with them, with all of the chaos and drama, I found that the days, and weeks after they left, was when the real work started. It was because there began this feeling of worry, then emptiness, and self examination, running the tapes over and again of what I may have done to cause this, what I coulda, shoulda, woulda done differently, and on and on. I think it is something we all can slide into, the anger had passed and I was left with all of the intense feelings of losing two adult children and my grands, but they still walked the earth. It is a strange feeling. It is important to bolster and restrengthen, build yourself back up. Dealing with and without d cs is stressful and tiring.
Be sure to take very good care of yourself.
Be very kind to yourself.
Take time to do things you enjoy.
You have value, you matter.

As long as you give, she will take. As long as you are responsible for her, she won't be responsible for herself. Childhood is over but they want all the freedom from responsibility that comes as a child along with the right to do as they please as adults. They cannot have it both ways.

So very true. I come to see that my two, have the maturity level of middle school age at times. I see their behavior, particularly towards me, as that of teens who are struggling for their independence, acting out but still dependent. I think our adult d cs are much like this when they live in our homes. Wanting help, but defiant in their actions. It is as if they are saying, "Help me!!!!" Then, "Why are you helping me? I am an adult, I will do as I please." It is rather ridiculous. We know it, and deep down inside, so do they. The disrespect and disregard for property got more and more brazen, almost as if to say, "What are you going to do about this?" Like taunting........that's it, it is almost as if our d cs are taunting us with their choices.
Interestingly, when their behavior forces us to make moves to set boundaries, remove them from our homes, etc. they act nonchalant, or surprised, sometimes angry and indignant. My two blamed me for all of their problems "I am this way because of you!"
These kids have a whole different worldview. One that we surely did not teach them, it is very puzzling, to say the least.
Guard your heart. It is strange to write this to a mom. It is necessary though, because it is true what others have written, our d cs when out of the house can be very manipulative, to try to get back into our good graces, ie back home.
Guard your heart and work very hard to learn all you can.
You have done very well to take steps to change what was happening in your home.
I am finding that detaching also has to do with unraveling my feelings from the tangled web woven by my d cs.
It is not that I do not love them, but I do not want to be continually hurt by their choices.
It took some work to separate from that web.
I am sending good thoughts to you and your daughter, and hopes and for her to use her wings to fly in the right direction.

This is a pivotal moment for the both of you.

Prayers for you both in your new beginnings.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[JMom]

Hey Skool,

I'm glad you're here. You sounded so angry, I was a little worried! I've been in your shoes and understand your fury.

I used to keep a small diary with two column a mad as hell column and a silver linings....I'd write the wrongs done, fears ect so I don't get too soft and the silver lining so I didn't get too hard.

Hope this helps and hope your daughter sees the light.

 

[Skool Teacher]

Thanks Josh mom. I write in journals and that's my way of keeping track the pluses and minuses when it comes to my daughter and her stunts. It's also a way to keep my sanity as writing is my therapy. I appreciate the suggestion.