Should we help?

[Littleboylost]

Just received the following information from our sons GFs Parents

[We just found out that E and j have been hanging out , staying at knights inn hotel on plains- still on drugs obviously- we have forbidden this! The charge went through my credit card along with cash withdrawal and somehow j's belongings / bag are gone. I'm not sure what / where E has been saying he is but we were on holiday and chances are he was at my house alone with j. We are really angry and it is illegal to stay at a hotel as a minor so we will be reporting that. R's brother is the head of halton justice so he can access the video footage of them coming and going. Just keeping you in the loop- no response necessary ]
We have no idea where he is he bolted when my girlfriend tired to put him on a bus to come up to us. He called and demanded $100 from us. Judging by the above message so much for being on the street and hungry. It has been a very long shitty day.

 

[RN0441]

Not sure what good reporting that they were at a hotel as minors would do?

 

[Littleboylost]

Not sure what good reporting that they were at a hotel as minors would do?

These people are soft and rosey. They think that the law will help them....they will learn just like we all have it ain't so easy.

 

[Littleboylost]

It gets better they have now announced they are both going to live of social assistance and get an apartment together....Great! In order to get social assistance under 19 they have to attend school or a trades program. Good luck to them both as attendance is mandatory to receive the funds. Shaking my head is dissapointment and Shane.

 

[RN0441]

He'll probably change his mind a million times in the throws of this. I wouldn't give any of it much thought.

They tend to do that when they use.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Just an FYI, you might want to edit your post above to remove the name of your son and his girlfriend.

You may need to provide instructions to caring family friends that they are not to harbor, clothe, feed, bail out or otherwise enable your son. He is sneaky and manipulative as they all are. He has every behavior of a hardcore addict and I am sorry to say that, I realize it probably sounds very harsh.

Since he is not a legal adult yet, you might want to talk to a lawyer to see whether you and your husband can be held liable for his actions. Can you have him declared incorrigible, or otherwise sign his custody over to the state? I know that sounds extremely harsh, but it might be something to investigate just to protect yourself. How long until he turns 18?

I am so happy to hear that your husband has learned to see reality for what it is and I am equally, so sorry that your son is making such terrible choices. I agree with your husband, as hard as it is, no contact is the only way until he is willing to live the way you raised him.

He is showing by his behavior that he wants to be on the street, living life and doing his thing. As long as he is being enabled by friends (his own or older friends of yours), this will continue. He loves the drugs and his outlaw ways more than anything else at this point.

Hugs to you, this is sheer hell.

 

[Albatross]

What a roller coaster, LBL. Good that you did not fall for his claims, and I agree with RN about the many changes of mind coming up. Right now it sounds like free money to him and girlfriend.

You don't have anything to be ashamed of -- you have clearly done all you could do in an impossible situation, and I think we have all wanted to scream from the rooftop, "My child was not brought up to be this way!!!"

 

[Littleboylost]

Just an FYI, you might want to edit your post above to remove the name of your son and his girlfriend.

You may need to provide instructions to caring family friends that they are not to harbor, clothe, feed, bail out or otherwise enable your son. He is sneaky and manipulative as they all are. He has every behavior of a hardcore addict and I am sorry to say that, I realize it probably sounds very harsh.

Since he is not a legal adult yet, you might want to talk to a lawyer to see whether you and your husband can be held liable for his actions. Can you have him declared incorrigible, or otherwise sign his custody over to the state? I know that sounds extremely harsh, but it might be something to investigate just to protect yourself. How long until he turns 18?

I am so happy to hear that your husband has learned to see reality for what it is and I am equally, so sorry that your son is making such terrible choices. I agree with your husband, as hard as it is, no contact is the only way until he is willing to live the way you raised him.

He is showing by his behavior that he wants to be on the street, living life and doing his thing. As long as he is being enabled by friends (his own or older friends of yours), this will continue. He loves the drugs and his outlaw ways more than anything else at this point.

Hugs to you, this is sheer hell.

Just an FYI, you might want to edit your post above to remove the name of your son and his girlfriend.
Can't edit I will have to contact one of the admins to do this. I agree with your comments. Son was reaching and the friend who picked him up was not fooled. She said she was taking him to the bus or he could be on his way. This was after a harsh lecture from my friend her mother and daughter. It's hard to air the family laundry to everyone. Most of our close circle know. And yes this is sheer hell.

 

[Littleboylost]

Ok don't shoot me here people. We have made a decision. After speaking with sons social worker today drugs are an issue in shelters lately. There are free samples of heroin and fentanyl being given out to get the shelter kids hooked. So perhaps sons fear is valid. They are working at getting him into a housing program called bridging the gap. It is safe haven housing for vulnerable youth social worker on site. The drug vultures steer clear of here. So sons fear is perhaps valid.

He called me clear minded and crying rhis afternoon he apologized for his bad behavior and said his life was a mess. He admitted to not wanting to give us a urine sample because he would test positive for cocaine. He admited to the attempt at a drug deal. He said he does not want to wind up like a loser on the streets. Manipulation, or an epiphany who's to know.
One thing I know is if I give this kid an inch he will take the whole road in double speed.
So the plan. We got him a cheap yucky hotel room and a $50 food gift card. If he is genuine as stated he will sleep and get his head straight and we will talk when we see him on Sunday. He can put a housing voucher in because there was no youth assisted housing available only the men's shelter (after 16 they can technically go but they don't like them to). Which means we get a 60-75% return on the room fee.
We have 3 more days to calm down from the chaos and he has 3 days to prove his sincerity. He is willing to ramp up his rehab to intensive (they have to volunteer to do this and it includes drug testing). If he implodes no harm to us he is not in the Hosue so we don't have to get him out. His social assisted housing application goes forward and we are still on track. If it is an epiphany well may the stars shine and the band strike up! Ya I am cautiously optimistic and cautiously sarcastic as well.
In our guts we could not live with the thinking that maybe we gave up too soon or robbed him of a true shot. We can live with yet another lunch bag let down, even just to prove to ourselves that we are on the right path.
It has been one very long day.
Son called when he checked in. Said they had a smaller room become available and he took it to save extra money (ok weird but ok), he thanked me and said he is afraid there is something wrong with his head that might not be able to be fixed. I said self medicating is defiantly not the answer. He talked for quit a while and was more conversive than he had been in years. When o asked what the big shift was. He said seeing the kids he was arrested with not even bother to call an adult and not care about getting arrested. He said he doesn't want a criminal record, does not want to be an drug user. He asked if a bit of pot would be ok. I said nope, not for you. He said he knows that will be hard for him. I agreed and said he may need in patient care. He said he doesn't want to blow his school opportunity. I said he won't be able to focus if he didn't let his brain repair. He agreed.

Will keep you posted and thanks for your support.

 

[n64bomb]

I smell something fishy. Watch out...there is a good chance he is pulling the rope a dope on you!

 

[DoneDad]

You're doing what you need to - no judgement. Sounds like they have some actual options there - where we live it's not like that. Hoping for the best!

 

[RN0441]

LBL

It all sounds promising. We're pulling for you and your son. I do hope he finds his way and maybe this is what he needed to really see what it's like to be on his own!

 

[Copabanana]

Good for him for baby steps which is where change starts. I am proud of him.

I am concerned about the fraudulent charges on your card. What do you do what that?

You are doing admirably in impossible and heart-wrenching conditions.

It is encouraging he is concerned his brain will get back to normal. He needs to understand the brain changes from drugs persist over time in many cases as brain physiology is altered indefinitely. This brain change typically reverses itself over time. But it's persistence (expressed through symptoms) challenges them: Do I drug away the symptoms or do I recognize that any use of an illicit drug digs the hole deeper?

He is dealing with choices that are beginning the path to real manhood. Only he can resolve whose hand he takes or what priorities he sees as central.

You and I know that such seemingly momentary and insignificant decisions define a life.

You won round one. Because you stayed strong, sure and in the game with him.

My son is 10 years older. His priorities are similar to your boy's. I do not know how much more strength I have to continue to play a significant role.

I believe he needs to in an extended way experience the consequences his choices and priorities engender. M is less sure. He crumbles hearing how my son is living. He wants--if my son demonstrates a clean drug test and proof he in an outpatient mental health treatment program--to let him come back. If and only if he demonstrates self-initiated productive activity.

I don't know. I have seen NO sign my son wants to change. What he wants is what makes his life more comfortable not better.

M's way of looking at it is we tighten up what we can. No door key. He leaves at 7:15 and can re-enter at 3:00pm. Regular drug testing. The sense we support with a structure, the beginning of stability and purpose and he do the rest. If he can or chooses.

The reality that flies in the face of this fine plan is that it is all killing me. All of it.

 

[Littleboylost]

Oh Copa we were right where M was before we asked our son to leave. He declined the drug test as you know. Now admits he would have tested positive for Coke.
This morning he has no recollection of certain conversations yesterday. This is very tell tale of The amnesia effect of Xanax. He still denies he was using....don't believe it.
The police called and asked us if we knew where our son was. As I suspected as he was on bail they should not have released him all. OMG what is wrong with our system.
Bail officer called said he missed his meeting yesterday, she 100% recognizes he is not capable of accepting what outpatient support and bail has to offer. Which is what we told the courts back in May.
Her society is well connected with the courts and she will discuss Difficult Child with the crown counsel and arrange a meeting with us.
We want to place him in a position of choosing in patient rehab or jail. In patient rehab or shelter. After a good sleep we know in our hearts bringing him home would be a big mistake. He will slide right back. He has to see the consequences of his life and what they really are.
Putting him out didn't cause these issues, it may have accelerated his plummet downward but you are all correct we did not cause this predicament.
Just heard he has been declined bridge housing and the reason is active drug addiction. So it is really now down to jail (I doubt crown will continue with probation after the current charges hit the dock which are now possession of property obtained by crime and a second breach of bail), or rehab. For us it's Bail with rehab or the shelter. He won't be eligible for social service support until he is 18 so he will be in the shelter until then...or rehab. If he does not get to school from the shelter he will not get funding either. Strength for Saturday and I hope they pick him up before then.

 

[RN0441]

Copa

Why would you go through all this again by having your son come home? You and M need to live life for YOU. He is an adult and he should be on his own. He WILL figure it out. Maybe not on your timetable but on his own.

Good grief it has nothing to do with love. We all love our boys. We probably love them more than most!!!

My son is younger than yours but I just feel we cannot keep rescuing him. He does still expect that and I hate it. I had no parents at the age of 17 and had to fend for myself. Our son is almost 22 and acts helpless. I have to think that WE are partially to blame for that....

 

[mof]

I am glad to hear this!

Stay strong, he has a road ahead of him, school will alaways be there.

Health first!!!

 

[Littleboylost]

It's easier for them if you take him in. They don't care about the abuse you'll face, it's less paperwork and phone calls for them.

Man that is sooo true.

 

[Littleboylost]

Not sure what good reporting that they were at a hotel as minors would do?

The law is that it is actually against human rights do deny a minor a hotel room (proven in court), someone is full of hot air. They can request a CC for damages and if I CC they can refuse to rent the room. The hotel is not that nice.

 

[Littleboylost]

Can't find who was worried about the CC fraud but it was not my CC my son would never have access to my Cc. It was his GFs mother's CC. Apparently they give her access to a CC ? Crazy.

 

[Copabanana]

I do not want to hijack your thread lbl but will respond to rn.

Today is a nightmare. A neighbor to where we have the other house is trying to manipulate us to rent to him. He said he and his wife intervened to stop my son who had a rope around his neck (before he left our town.)

Apparently though my son said he went to the mh clinic in the metro where he is (long wait list) and had an appointment yesterday, I believe he did not go. Just lying.

More probable lies: That he has a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to go to in the southern part of our state.

In any event he just told me he'd kill himself before he returned to the town where we live.

Okay. Crystal clear. Blocked his number. I must be serious. I figured out how to do it.

I do not see a way back. My son appears to feel the same way. He just torpedoed the bridge.

Earlier today I felt frantic and afraid. Now. Calm and sad.