So now the truth comes out ... ex-girlfriend is pregnant!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TerryJ2, Mar 5, 2015.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yeah...I doubt a clerical happens, but unlikely. A mother can give a baby any name she wants; Darryl Dixon or John Jacob Jinglemeyer Smith or Bill Gates, Jr., without ever naming a father.

    If the Difficult Child's name isn't listed on the birth certificate, he probably didn't fill out the affidavit to claim paternity, no matter what the kid was named.
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    So, is this affidavit of paternity an extra step for unmarried fathers? I don't recall this when my kids were born.

    Would they present this document for him to sign as they were getting the info from the mother (if he was there in the room at that particular moment). Or if he wasn't there when she was giving the info for the birth certificate, would they have just left the paper for him to sign? Or tell the mom to have him go to the office to pick up the paperwork? And in the meantime, show no father info on the birth certificate until either the mother or the presumed father take the initiative to figure out how to get his name on the birth certificate? How does that work?

    difficult child and his girlfriend would both be much to lazy to go out of their way to get this taken care of if it was left up to them to do.

    However, it has been in the back of my mind that she might not have been 100% sure of the paternity and was keeping her options open.
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well, all states are somewhat different, although most subscribe to the uniform parentage act. Generally an unmarried man can't get on a birth certificate without an affirmative act on his part, by signing something. Generally, that has to be notarized or witnessed. Now, I run across cases where the parties were never married and yet the man is on the birth certificate because vital records shows a legitimate birth...which means either someone accidently checked the wrong box or someone just plain lied at the hospital.

    Take a look here and maybe you can figure out your state...but generally he'd have to sign something, either at the hospital or later.
  4. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Lil, is it true, that the hospital tries to "trick" the attendant "father" so the state can track him for child support if the mother/child have to use social services?
  5. Tentimesaround

    Tentimesaround New Member

    Sending u positive thoughts & prayers things work out the best way they can. It is hard to believe that things just seem to get worse and worse some days. Hugs to you and yours!
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Even if she puts his name on the birth certificate, he can tell a judge he will have a DNA test because he's not the father. The judge will let him wait to find out or you can find out right after the birth, it's $500. Just do that right away. If it's his, TELL him not to worry, there are plenty of services available to them..even if they are not together, his life isn't over. He is so young he doesn't understand all this. I think his mind has gotten the better of him, it will all be ok and he can still have the life he wants. He doesn't sign anything, don't let him give his blood to her doctor either. Seriously!

    A 50 year old man I know was tricked into being a father by a 48 year old woman he works with. The baby is due to be born soon, they keep (dr)insisting he give them his blood, he isn't doing that, he doesn't want any part of this. He was tricked, if he is the father sadly he will have to pay. (He knows he's the dad but is removing himself from his until a judge tries to prove this) At this point he says to get away from him, he isn't the father.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Terry. That was one of my worst fears with Miss KT.
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    "Tricked?" I wouldn't say that...but I'm not a hospital worker. The hospital has no stake in it and probably doesn't care less as long as the bill gets paid and that's just a matter of who agrees to pay it. They probably offer the attendant "father" the opportunity to sign...and if he's stupid enough to sign a document that CLEARLY says it constitutes a legal finding of paternity, I don't feel very sorry for him.

    Just like I don't feel very sorry for anyone who get's "tricked" into getting someone pregnant. Did he know he was having sex? Did he know where babies come from? I don't care if a woman says she's on the pill or had a hysterectomy - unless she roofied him or poked holes in the condom he should be wearing - he's just as much to blame as she is.

    Like I said...depends on the state, but I don't know of any that just lets a woman name a father without his okay. BUT, be advised, court's aren't involved necessarily in a child support case. States differ...but if you are a presumed father (by virtue of marriage or an affidavit or the like, in many states the division of child support can issue an administrative order for child support with no DNA tests and the order can be withheld from wages, etc...just like a court order.

    I absolutely agree!
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.
    Only $500? I thought it was almost $2000.
    Paternity discussion is going to be a tricky topic. Deep breath.

    Other mom is, so far, angry and shocked and feeling for both kids. Don't know if bio dad will say anything to change that tonight.
    I am looking up the law now, but I have told both kids to their faces that difficult child can be sued and/or arrested for having sex with-her. I thought that would be enough to scare them. :(
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Honestly, I put my husband's name on mine and no one else was there . I even spelled #3 wrong and now (oops) he has to spell it like that. He knows the story and I am not The point is that she can write anything
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Me too...but something you signed said he was your husband. We get this sometimes, Child Support will say there's a paternity affidavit, then come to find out BVR says the birth was legitimate and the husband is named, but the parties were never married. That's a case of, Go back and try again Child Support - do a DNA test because somebody lied.
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Taking a minute out here for a deep breath and a little levity (not meaning to minimize the situation at all)., how can a 50 year old man be tricked into getting somebody pregnant???? I admit it made me laugh. If he did the deed, and didn't use protection, he wasn't tricked...he was, well, not smart. Even if she lied and said, "I know I can't have kids anymore. I had SURGERY..." he is old enough to realize that you should always use protection. Reminds me of some tiring dates while a few men said to me, looking serious as all get-go, "Honest!!!! I had a vasectomy!" Makes me glad I'm married and no longer
  13. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    And in some cases they won't consider adoption because they know they will "get too attached to it by the time it's born - I'd never be able to give it away!" Much easier to just abort. :frown:
  14. mjhawks

    mjhawks Member

    As far as establishing paternity, I know in the state of VA, the only thing we were given at the hospital was a "Letter of Birth". We had to fill out a form and send away for a birth certificate. My husband (at the time) was named on the birth certificate. Years later when we separated, and child support came up, they still asked him to sign an affidavit that he was Itty Bit's father. He did. But if he had chosen not to, there would have been a DNA test. Even though we were married at the time of her birth. Even though he was already named on the Birth certificate.

    I think this board is a jinx. (just kidding) Because I read this post yesterday morning. In the afternoon DQ wants my mom to take her to the store so she can buy something that she doesn't want me to know about. So of course I say, no, especially if you're trying to keep it a secret from me. She hemmed and hawed, and eventually I asked her if she was looking to get a pregnancy test. She said yes. So I asked who she was having sex with and it's the "Ex" that she dated for all of 3 weeks. Yeah, she isn't pregnant. She is on the pill, and has menstruated since he dumped her. She just likes to cause a bunch of drama and have my house in an uproar.
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  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Terry, I can't imagine the heaviness of this for you. I'm glad your son got to unload the heaviness for him and seems better, however, the weight of this on you is enormous. I am so sorry. He is so young and so incredibly naive, geez, I don't even have any words. Keep us posted about what is happening and how your are doing. My heart goes out to you. Sending bunches of hugs......
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OMG, MJHAwks! I'm so sorry! I hear you.
    It IS drama.
    On top of it, I'm on prednisone and my hands are trembling.

    I texted girlfriend's mom to ask how it went last night. I also asked how much the insurance copay was for the initial dr visit, so difficult child could pay half.
    No answer yet. I hope she's sleeping. I slept 10 hrs last night. Makes up for only 5 the night before.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child doesn't want me to tell husband until after the ultrasound.
    But I really, really, really want to have my daughter there when I tell him. And if I wait two wks, it puts me in the awkward situation of knowing and not telling him for far too long.
    I wish he would engage with-difficult child more. He said he wanted difficult child to wash the cars but then he did one himself. "I wanted it done right," he said. I pushed for them BOTH to go to the carwash today. He didn't want to. Plus, he won't give difficult child any money. So how is he to pay for the car wash?
    Then he said they could follow one another and do two bays right next to one another. Okay.
    I had to remind him that it was for a father-son thing, not a car wash, per se.
    I want to smack him. :devilish:
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Jumper's birthmother was pretty mature. She did everything she did with only Jumper in mind. She didn't even think about herself once or she never could have done it. She is fantastic mom of her kids. I see her on FB although we are not friends. She is all about them. She is not running around, smoking dope, drinking...she is settled in. Her mother did not accept black people and Jumper is half black. Also Jumpers bio. dad was in jail and obsessed with birthmother in a scary way, yet she talked him into signing his rights away, necessary for the adoption to take place. It was tricky. We were all worried. She did it all for Jumper. I tell Jumper her birthmother is wonderful and I love her. And Jumper is as wonderful as her birthmother.

    But kids like Jumper are not the ones who USUALLY get pregnant too soon. Jumper's birthmother is an exception. She graduated school, is bright and never was into drugs yet she still had two drench out of wedlock. She was twenty when she had Jumper.

    Most of the time the young mothers, many younger than Jumpers BM, are totally Difficult Child. They take drugs, they don't graduate, they have emotional dysregulation issues, they can barely put their pants on without mama telling them how, yet they have no trouble wanting "a baby to love me." They don't think ahead about how it will be for the baby. If the baby is lucky, Grandma is allowed to take over and is young enough and well enough and willing to raise the child. I know a few young grandmas raising the grandkids and Daughter is not even there anymore...she's moved out to party and have fun. One "Grandma" I know was only thirty-five when she became one!!!!! Guess she had her daughter young too.

    I know of several teens living at home while their mothers basically do all the care for the child. And sometimes the grandma is deprived the company of grandchild because Difficult Child gets angry, just like on this forum.

    Ok, so I just wanted to shout out Jumper's birthmother. She is so not-like most young mothers. She really wanted Jumper to have a good chance in life and her own family had warned her that they were not going to help her with Jumper, although they were very helpful with her first son, who is hispanic rather than part black. Birthmother knew she couldn't do it herself and she will be very proud of Jumper one day when they meet again. I hope I will be alive to see it and to hug her.
  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Terry, in the end, you can't force your son to be a good father. Hopefully that will come from him, but that's really up to him. Why can't you just tell your husband? Just curious. That's what I'd do. Get on the phone and say, in angst, "You will not believe this...well, yes you will, but...guess what???? Junior got his girlfriend pregnant! I think I need your arms around me."

    Terry, you need support too. Even over-the-phone support. Sounds like you have a good marriage. You need your husband. You deserve all the love you can get right now.

    Terry, one last thing. I don't think anyone does well with a Difficult Child, but I think men have a harder time of it because they are all about fixing things and Difficult Child are hard to fix. Heck, it's hard to be in the room with them sometimes!
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Terri, Tell your hubby when YOU feel it is right, not when the girlfriend feels ti is right. It is totally WRONG to wait 2 weeks to tell your hubby. This is EXACTLY the kind of secret that absolutely should not be kept between a husband and wife for weeks! You will feel awful for not telling him and he will feel awful for being left out of the loop.

    I am sorry she is pregnant. They are idiots. I will say that only abstinence is 100%. I have 2 pill babies and all 3 were conceived with some form of birth control. The first 1 with THREE forms and no, I did not mess up how I took the pill. It just was a very low dose formula that gave MY body just enough hormones to get pregnant. I had been told that it was not possible to get pregnant and was still using mre than one method to prevent.

    So nothing totally can prevent pregnancy except not having sex. They are idiot kids and I hope he cannot be sued. Many states now have an age of consent that is lower than 18 and some say that the partner can be an adult if within so many years of the younger partner's age.

    As for grandparent rights, those vary WIDELY from state to state. In my state, my parents have rights to bro's child but NOT to mine. Why? Grandparents only have rights if the parents are not married or are divorced or separated. If the parents are married to each other, the grands have exactly zero rights. But that is my state. Every state is different on this issue.

    I really hope that the kids don't live together or get married. Two mistakes don't fix anything.