So now the truth comes out ... ex-girlfriend is pregnant!

[BusynMember]

Thinking back on it, that should have been a warning sign for us as well. Our son didn't get his license until he was 17 but not long after that was when he went from spiraling out of control to plummeting. The more of these posts I read, the more I'm convinced that our son is a higher functioning Aspie. Need to read up on that some though.

Princess isn't an Aspie. My ASDer was too high strung and sensory sensitive to even want to drive, thank goodness...lol.

I do think that driver's license gives people who are prone to get into trouble even an easier way to get into trouble. My daughter got clean during a time she had no car, not when she had access to one. In fact, things accelerated once she got her license. It's not like they go where they tell us they are going. We didn't exactly give Princess permission to take a road trip six hours away. We gave her permission to pick up her friend who lived ten minutes away and to bring her back home and to have a sleepover here. By the time she called from Minnesota, I was frantic and in tears. There were no cell phones at the time and we couldn't try to contact her and she and her posse had to find a phone before calling us. Not that she would have answered her cell phone while going on her road trip.

 

[Jabberwockey]

In fact, things accelerated once she got her license.

Same with our son. I remember one time he was late for curfew. Not hugely, five minutes or so. Anyway, while we were trying to figure out why he was late, it was ALWAYS his friends fault for waiting until the last minute, he made the comment that he was going over 90 miles per hour trying to make it home on time. Like the fact that he did something illegal to "try" and obey our rule made it alright.

And the Aspie comment was kind of off hand. Just realizing as I read how many Aspie traits he has, especially the no eye contact and not catching verbal or physical clues from other people. Ok, and the single minded obsession he has for whatever is the flavor of the day.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Jabberwocky, that sounds like my son! Yeah, I had to speed to get home on time because I left too late ...

 

[TerryJ2]

Well, right now, he is wandering the streets. In the rain.
His ex girlfriend is busy. Another friend cannot hang out today.
New girlfriend, H, dropped him off at the house, he did a load of wash, and then he went for a walk. Walked west.
I spoke to him on the phone and he said he is looking for a friend, any friend, who will give him money so that he can take the bus to another city to see his friend, E, the one who rents a room. (His parents are divorced and apparently neither of them wanted him, or wanted the responsibility.) Of course, all the kids think that is so cool. They go over there and smoke cigarettes and weed.
I suggested that he go to the gym, or stop by a couple of the shops and fill out job applications. He went through a list of 6 places where he has already applied. He thinks that's good enough. I can't push it too much or he'll have a meltdown.
So then he decided to walk east, toward the bus stop and the other city.
difficult child can take the bus back and forth. It is inconvenient but where there's a will, there's a way.
He could be home reading and doing homework but that's not cool ...
It's starting to get dark. I hate this.
I'm going to call and see if I can take him to the gym. It's a structured environment in a good neighborhood. He can walk to ex's after that if he wants.
Then again, he could be somewhere else by now ...

This is what he does without a car. At least he's not drinking and driving. I guess that's a positive.

 

[TerryJ2]

And in regard to an accurate diagnosis, I only know that he has something very, very wrong with his thinking.

 

[Lil]

Well, right now, he is wandering the streets. In the rain.
His ex girlfriend is busy. Another friend cannot hang out today.
New girlfriend, H, dropped him off at the house, he did a load of wash, and then he went for a walk. Walked west.
I spoke to him on the phone and he said he is looking for a friend, any friend, who will give him money so that he can take the bus to another city to see his friend, E, the one who rents a room. (His parents are divorced and apparently neither of them wanted him, or wanted the responsibility.) Of course, all the kids think that is so cool. They go over there and smoke cigarettes and weed.
I suggested that he go to the gym, or stop by a couple of the shops and fill out job applications. He went through a list of 6 places where he has already applied. He thinks that's good enough. I can't push it too much or he'll have a meltdown.
So then he decided to walk east, toward the bus stop and the other city.
difficult child can take the bus back and forth. It is inconvenient but where there's a will, there's a way.
He could be home reading and doing homework but that's not cool ...
It's starting to get dark. I hate this.
I'm going to call and see if I can take him to the gym. It's a structured environment in a good neighborhood. He can walk to ex's after that if he wants.
Then again, he could be somewhere else by now ...

This is what he does without a car. At least he's not drinking and driving. I guess that's a positive.

Oh Terry, I could have written this myself when D C lived with us. I hope yours doesn't escalate like ours did. Hugs.

 

[TerryJ2]

He came home!
He walked to ex-girlfriend's house, and then her mom brought him to our house just before 7.
Waiting it out worked. This time.

There's always a next time. Unfortunately.

 

[pasajes4]

I am so not looking forward to the day my son comes home.

 

[TerryJ2]

Well, there's a huge age difference, and circumstances, as well.
{{hugs}}

 

[TerryJ2]

difficult child/Difficult Child had a long talk with D tonight at our house.
He thinks he talked her into an abortion. He scared the %&@ out of her about how tiny she is, how D was born breech, T (her mom) was also breech (from the grandmother) and a C-section, and even if she places the baby for adoption, she still has to go through labor and delivery. And the baby is coming at the wrong time in her life. She will be a very good mom ... someday ...
She was crying.
I told difficult child/Difficult Child that no matter what D finally decides, I was very proud of him for bringing up the topic and discussing it with her. And he said that if she wanted him there tomorrow for the OBGYN appointment, I should come and get him out of school, and she knows that. I think that helped a lot. And I said that communication is the key to any relationship, no matter how hard it is.

I will go in to the dr's office at 8:30 to fill out paperwork with-her mom, T. Then I have to run to my dental appointment so I can get my permanent crown. Then I run back to the OBGYN to advocate for T and D, for "termination," rather than "full term." (Catch phrases.) And if the doctors here won't do it, we will ask for a referral in Difficult Child (don't forget, we're in the South). T is way too hesitant with things like that.
If D says "yes" tomorrow, I will make sure there is an immediate appointment. Strike while the iron is hot.

Then I run over to St. F to welcome Cousin P to her new room and try to make it look as much like the old room as possible. She was SOOooooo
disoriented tonight ... Was terrified because she couldn't move her legs, forgot that she had hip surgery, wanted to get out of bed NOW and go up to her normal room on the third floor (what third floor?) ... yada yada ... poor thing.
I had the nurse check to see if she could have some Ativan.
*I* want Ativan!

 

[TerryJ2]

P.S. Waxing philosophical ... life is so unfair. My cousin wants to die. She's stuck. Miserable. Talks about wanting to die every single day.
D wants to carry the baby to term. But it's the wrong time in her life, and the baby would be delivered by C-section, and special needs, and she has no job, no driver's license, and refuses to place the baby for adoption if she carries to term.
Her mother, T, told me tonight that she wants to kill herself.
WTH?
The ones who want to live, die. The ones who want to die are stuck here, in pain and confused and angry.
What a strange existence we have on this planet ...
No need to comment. Just had to get that out of my system.
One.
Day.
at
a
Time.

 

[AppleCori]

Terry,

Hope the doctor appointment. went well and the kids will make the right choice. Its such a difficult time for everyone.

Let us know how it went.

 

[TerryJ2]

The appointment was fine, I guess.
I met T, the mom, in the dr pkng lot. She told me that they don't do a history until they are already in the room. So I ran to my dental appointment an hr early and got lucky ... they took me 45 min early and I now have a new crown. (Ow. No needles because it would have taken too long.) I got to the dr at 10 a.m. Their appointment was 9.45.

So it went well, except that D was surrounded by pregnant women, women with-babies, adorable baby pics all over the walls ...
and then she was okay with-me staying in the room with-her and her mom while she had a vaginal ultrasound.
It was discreet, but her mom pulled her t-shirt over her head and giggled nervously. Not the most mature person on the planet ...
While D continued with-the ultrasound, her mom and I went through the "gift bag" and I grabbed all of the adorable baby magazines and the developmental charts so as not to torture D any more.
We all looked at the ultrasound. I got a copy, and T got a copy. D took a picture of the ultrasound photo with-her phone.
When the nurse practitioner told her that she did not have to do the blood tests if she was going to terminate, D said she'd do the blood tests anyway.
T and I just looked at one another. WTH?
Maybe she just liked the attention? Or ...
D stayed behind for the blood tests and T and I sat in the reception area. Then T got called back in and I thought, oh, for sure D has changed her mind. But no, it turned out that she almost passed out.
So I have no more idea of her frame of mind now than I did when we were going in.
This is torture for all of us.
She is about 12 wks.
I am waiting to hear from difficult child ...
T is checking her insurance and checking out "other" resources ...
Holding pattern ...

I have to go back to visit Cousin P, who is now back at the nursing home, but hallucinating. The hospital took her off all of her medications after surgery because her blood pressure was so low. They gave her two units of blood the other day, and she did well enough to take regular medications again. But in their infinite wisdom, they completely took her off of her Cymbalta, Seroquel, Namenda and Ativan.
Last night, she kept trying to get out of bed to use the bathroom, so they dosed her up with-doG knows what. And today she was hallucinating. She's going to come to at some point and wonder how she got back to St. F and why she's in another room (because she and her roommate both fell last week, racing ea other to the bathroom).

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Terry,

I in no way presume to know what you and husband, not to mention your difficult child and his ex, are going through. I have to admit though that I was a little put off by his fear tactics with ex. Certainly I am not in your shoes, but to put that kind of fear in her to get her to come around to his thinking was a little off-putting.

I am not sitting in judgement of the decision, should she choose to terminate, just the way he handled it as described: "He thinks he talked her into an abortion. He scared the %&@ out of her about how tiny she is, how D was born breech, T (her mom) was also breech (from the grandmother) and a C-section, and even if she places the baby for adoption, she still has to go through labor and delivery. And the baby is coming at the wrong time in her life. She will be a very good mom ... someday ...
She was crying." It almost sounds like he's trying to coerce her.

Moving forward, make sure ex is not blindsided by the new laws in our state which went into effect in November (think thats when it was). She has already met the transvaginal ultrasound rule (at least 24 hours prior to and be offered the option of seeing it). She also will have to have state directed counseling and then wait 24 hours to have the procedure. She is getting close to the cut off of having the procedure in a doctor's office or clinic and will probably have to go to a hospital since she is likely going to be in the second trimester.

I send you supportive thoughts during this tough time. Hang in there.

Sharon

 

[in a daze]

The ones who want to live, die. The ones who want to die are stuck here, in pain and confused and angry.
What a strange existence we have on this planet ...

That's for sure.

I hope everything works out. What a difficult time you are going through.

 

[TerryJ2]

Sharon, I suspect she will put it off deliberately because she is undecided, and therefore, not making a decision is making a decision.
In regard to difficult child, I asked him if he wanted to see the picture a min. ago. He said no. And don't talk to me.
And yes, it turns out that D has to have another ultrasound just before, if she decides to terminate. But the law does not say she has to look at it. In fact, she didn't have to look at it today. But she wanted to. That told us what we needed to know.


I think that difficult child is actually afraid for her physical health. But more than that, I think he is afraid for himself.
He is, after all, a difficult child.

 

[Lil]

I suspect she will put it off deliberately because she is undecided, and therefore, not making a decision is making a decision.

I tend to be pro-choice. But the key word there is choice. This is a HUGE decision and she is very young. Would it be better for her to not have a baby? Maybe so. But terminating a pregnancy? Well, some people can live with that choice and some can't. Some make the choice and it haunts them afterward.

Her physical health is probably not all that worrisome. C-sections are nothing anymore...practically routine.

Whatever the outcome of this, it will be a life-changing thing for them both...I'm keeping you all in my thoughts.

 

[BusynMember]

I like adoption best. But regardless of what she does, she is in shape to be a mother and Difficult Child is not going to be a responsible father right now and maybe not ever. D. will marry...that will be the father figure, if the marriage lasts.

I wonder if the mother told her daughter it was up to her. I wonder if her mother if she is thinking she can raise the baby. Is she young?

Is Difficult Child's new girlfriend on birth control?

 

[TerryJ2]

I have no idea if the new girlfriend is on bc.
But since we called the police about the coins and bracelet, and they will "interview" difficult child either at school or at the station, new girlfriend will find out and that will be the end of that. ESPECIALLY if the detective goes to school.
If for some strange reason she opts to continue the relationship, I got her lic. plate the other day and will give it to the detective to interview her as well. (I still don't even have her last name or phone number. This is ridiculous.) Or at least, he can look up her phone and address, and I will tell her parents.
I refuse to have two grandchildren to unwed mothers.
And difficult child already thinks he's god, despite his irresponsibility, and he already hates us. This is spiraling out of control and I cannot "let" things just happen.
I vacillate between rage, disgust, fear, despair, disappointment, love and pity. The other night I even thought about suicide. No, not a plan. Just what's the point in everything we have done, all of our hard work, our plans, just to have these idiotic kids ruin it all?
If her family were "normal," and she were 18, and there weren't mental illness on both sides of the families, I would succumb and even babysit.
But this is a train wreck.

 

[TerryJ2]

The mother does NOT want to raise the baby.
She didn't even want to raise D.
She is angry and bitter and tells D all the time what a scr*w-up she is. She is verbally abusive, and oddly enough, she loves D.
She is about 40.
She just found out that her house is about to be foreclosed on, so she applied for a couple of maid/housecleaning positions today. I don't think that's enough to pay the difference but at least she applied for something. I asked her what would happen if she lost the house--she and D and the baby would live in an apartment? She said she'd walk in front of a truck.
That makes two of us. Except that I kind of think she would really do it.