So now the truth comes out ... ex-girlfriend is pregnant!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TerryJ2, Mar 5, 2015.

  1. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Terry, I am so sorry that you are in the midst of a maelstrom. What you are dealing with is very very hard.

    Your hard work, your plans, your good steps for yourself and your family----that still happened. It is still happening. You wanted and dreamed for all good things. You still do.

    Nothing they can do will take that away from you and your husband.

    I know things don't turn out like we hoped. I am divorced from my two sons' father---something I never wanted to happen. My younger son has been in jail many times, has been homeless many times, has a felony record. He is 25 with little education to speak of. He makes $8.75 an hour and works 60 hours a week and lives in a studio apartment where mold is growing. His girlfriend is 20, has a history of mental illness, stabbed him last summer, stabbed herself a few weeks ago, doesn't take her medication.
    But that is them.

    And we are us. We are not them, and our lives are not their lives. That is a hard lesson to learn about our adult children. It is separating ourselves from them. For a long long time, I almost thought I WAS my son. We were joined. What happened to him happened to me.

    But that's not true. We are still who we were, and we did the very best we could. We can't control other people. That isn't our failing---It is our realization.

    I know how crushing it is. Believe me, I have lived with unrelenting grief, with making desperate attempts---FOR YEARS AND YEARS---to make right was was so very wrong, to get my family back on the road to the great life I HAD PLANNED for them all. Doesn't work. Didn't work. Will never work. My best plans for other people don't work.

    Terry, when you can, if you can, stop, take a deep breath, and work to start letting go. We can't know their journey, and the road they must take in their own lives. Without a doubt, it won't be what we wanted or what we hoped for.

    Last month, my son's girlfriend had a miscarriage. She was 11 weeks pregnant. I knew about it for almost eight weeks, and I didn't do anything. Believe me, in the past I would have done EVERYTHING in my power to make happen what I thought was best. And I am not saying at all what you should and shouldn't do.

    But there is tremendous relief, and deep peace, and serenity---in time, as we learn to let go, to step back, and to let things happen as they will. You and I are right at the same age, Terry, and we deserve a great life ourselves.

    We can have it, if we will learn to let go, a journey that also takes time.

    Warm hugs to you, and please know we are here for you.
     
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  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    COM, that post was so good...and relevant to me today as Bart is acting up--don't even want to try to explain...I have to tell you I feel like standing up and giving you an ovation.
     
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Terry, whatever happens here - it's not the end of the world. She may terminate the pregnancy. She may not. Neither one will be the end of her life. Unwed mothers have babies every day. Sure it's hard on them and the families. But it is not the end of the world. Your son may grow up and step up, get a job, pay child support. A rough entry into adulthood, but not one thousands (millions?) of young men haven't faced. Or he may shirk his responsibilities entirely - also something thousands of young men have done. You may be a part of the child's life. You may not be. Both happen to grandparent's every day.

    This is just one step in the journey.

    You've read my posts. You know how much trouble I have distancing myself from my son and his life. You have read my struggle to...wanting to fix things...wanting to fix him...wanting it all to be the life I'd planned. On a bad day, it looks like everything was for nothing because he's wasting his life.

    On a good day, I see that even if he ruins his life, mine goes on. I have a great husband. I have friends. I have a good life. No matter what happens to my son - I can continue to have a good life.

    On an average day, I remember that this is just one step in the journey. Silly as it sounds, I repeat the line from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: It will be alright in the end, and if it is not alright, then it is not the end.

    Hang in there. ((HUGS))
     
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    I'm really dizzy and want to go back to bed. I'm wobbly when I walk. Sort of like getting over the flu. But I never had the flu.
    But today and tomorrow are the only days I have to work on my own things. And the sun is out.
    The detective called today.
    We have given him a slew of information. I mean, we've done most of his job. What we're relying on is his deep voice and his uniform. I hope he wears his uniform.
    Oh, and I asked if the other kids' names sounded familiar. He said he did not immediately recognize them but he'd check to see if they were in the system. I asked him to let me know because that would help ... me. In a sad way.
    He didn't talk much. Yes ma'am. No ma'am.
    difficult child did not stay after school yesterday. :( He is so far behind ...
    Not much I can do ...
     
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Terry...I can relate to MUCH of what you said regarding all the hard work you put into raising/helping your Difficult Child and especially right this moment, it doesn't seem like it has done much. For me, having a Difficult Child AND lupus, etc. was just overwhelming. I think I could have managed the Lupus, etc. alone, but NOT having a Difficult Child that seem to require extra work too and I spent several years in despair feeling like I gave up ALOT in terms of a career, etc. and for WHAT?????!!!

    OUR Difficult Child is barely functioning in society. BARELY. But, my husband is the half glass type full person and I love him soooo much because of that. Although our Difficult Child is not employed and has many problems, he honestly feels she would be much WORSE had I not helped her significantly in her youth. She is, now in her mid twenties, for the most part, kind and polite to us and is fairly quick to apologize when she recognizes that she is out of line. Well, it ain't much, but it is better than other situations. And she shys away from drugs and criminal activity. Again, hanging onto the positives.

    Your son is still young and there is still time. And, who knows how much worse things would have been had he not have had loving parents. I use to cringe hearing this, but I don't anymore.

    I'll never understand it all and it still bothers me a little...but I'm much better now. And now that she is adult, there is little to no extra help anymore and it is what it is. I have distance myself from her odd behaviors/actions and feel MUCH freer. It is what it is. I know in my heart I tried my best. That's it folks. How old is your son???? I'm guessing it is time or very very near time that you will be in that place too. It is freeing!

    Also, these upcoming decisions are very hard and very personal. Good thoughts that it works out well. So very sad. I'll be praying for you and all concerned.
     
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Terry there is a saying in Alanon: HALT. Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Check in with yourself and first take care of you, so you can keep functioning. These is a very hard time and you can't function at 100 percent. You just can't right now.

    But you will again In time. Take it easy. Be kind to yourself. First.
     
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes to all the above.
    I exist on chocolate and 5 hrs a sleep. Sounds fun but it's not. :)
     
  8. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    AC, I don't buy there was a "clerical error." She just didn't put him on the birth certificate because she didn't want to have to deal with custodial issues, or she really believes difficult child isn't the father.

    Since he's not on the birth certificate, he is not legally responsible for the baby in any way. Conversely, he has no legal rights, either.

    Tough situation to be in. Lots to think about and being so young, they just have no idea what they are in for.

    Best wishes in a very difficult situation.
     
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    She's coming over tonight. Supposedly.
    We'll see. I just got home from the grocery store. I think that's part of the appeal. :)
     
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    She came over again for dinner tonight.
    Left early.
    (by the way, no decision. As I said earlier, no decision is a decision.)
    Then difficult child walked to the corner to meet E, one of the kids he's in cahoots with, and he brought him home against my wishes.
    I guess he can eat my homemade chili, considering that his parents ignore him ... difficult child said they'd leave and go for a walk. He's supposed to be home by 11. I don't believe it will happen.
     
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He is showing a total lack of respect towards you and your home. I have been there done that with my 18 year old. I put a stop to the unwelcome "friends". I informed them that they were not welcome in my home. I told them why they were not welcome. I explained that they would face trespassing charges if they persisted in coming on my property. I followed through.
    Son finally got the message that this is my house and he has the privilege of living here as long as he follows my rules. He knows that at 19 , he turns 19 the day he gets out of juvie prison, I can refuse to let him come home.
     
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Terry, two points that make me angry at Difficult Child to treat a smart, good mom like you the way he is.

    First of all, his good behavior of a week is common with Difficult Child after a mishap. They try to make up for it by fooling us into thinking they are going to walk right this time. I was introduced to this whack on my head a few times before I realized the pattern. It is so we stop being so angry and to let down our guards, not because of any brilliant "aha" moments. It takes time, more than moments or even one dicey experience.

    Secondly, my daughter knew that any "friend" she brought home without my permission was going to get a call to the police from me about suspected drug use and that kept them all away. Yay, I was "mean mom"...but it worked...until I was out of town and came home to a drug party (we came home early and surprised her, not on purpose). That was the night we finally invited her to leave. It was the final straw. Bad enough Difficult Child was running the streets, stealing, lying and destroying herself. No way did I need a house full of criminals doing drugs while she's supposed to be home alone taking care of the dogs only. For me...we all have a final straw...and this was mine. I would definitely tell any "friend" that he is not welcome on your property and threaten him with the police. At least, then your place of comfort and support is protected from them.

    I'm just really sad over all this.
     
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    So am I.
    Also, husband found a bunch of unused scrip pills under the bed again. He said he deliberately stays in the room and changes the kitty litter and hangs out to make sure that difficult child takes the pills. It's not working.
    Guess I have to get up at 6 a.m., too.
    I reminded difficult child that he will take the bus Monday (tomorrow) and we will go together for his urine test and blood draw. I can guarantee that he will flunk both. :(
    Meanwhile, D's mom texted me today to ask when we could get together to talk about adoption. She doesn't know where to begin. I am more than happy to meet with them. Even though I know that D will never follow through and will take the baby home. Still, after 2 wks of a screaming baby and sleep deprivation, maybe she'll see the wisdom of placement. You can still place infants.
    Deep breath.
     
  14. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Terry, I can't tell you how sorry I am about his situation. You have worked very hard at keeping him on the right path. I feel sad for your family.
     
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I also feel sad for your family. A lot of stress and I do hope (and feel) it will work out well.

    But I also feel deeply conflicted and sad...lacking a better description...that a child might be born and placed for adoption that will likely be a Difficult Child. I know I adopted because of health problems and also highly suspect both of my child's parents were d. adult "children." But, was never informed of this. In retrospect, certain little things I learned, points to this very real possibility. But, it was hidden from me. And as someone with health problems, no extended family and my husband and I took care of his elderly parents while taking care of our toddler and adopted Difficult Child....hmmm. It was life changing...and NOT in a good way. I know many many stories similar to my own. It soured me on the current/ entire adoption world...so much is hidden. Of all our friends who adopted, all have suffered and we are the only ones who have remained married.

    We happen to know a young couple who adopted fairly recently. So far, their little guy, knock on wood, is doing more or less ok. But, they recently found out about great (huge!) difficulties in the parental lineage. It was hidden from them when they adopted. They worry a lot.
     
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Nomad, believe me, I will force D to tell the truth about heredity. And her mom will be there for the paperwork and she will say something.