So Whats Up With You - Valentines Day

[Lil]

As you probably guessed, we do not do romance in my culture, not much at least. Or not at least with big gestures or big words. In fact we have a joke about old married couple: Wife seemed bit bothered all day and at the evening finally said to her husband that it would be nice if he every now and then would tell her that he loved her. Husband was quiet for long time and then answered: "I told you I love you once 58 years ago before we got engaged. I will tell you if that changes. That should be enough!"

That would make Jabber crazy. He literally says "I love you" multiple times every day; before he goes to work, every time we speak on the phone, before we go to sleep at night. In fact, ever text ends in "love you" or a little kissy-face. It's kind of a joke with my friends. We've been told many times we're "cute". He also likes his PDA's ... we hold hands, we smootch in public (pecks, not tongues ) Not too long ago people thought we were newlyweds when we'd been married years. Really, we are the most affectionate married couple I know.

 

[2much2recover]

Good luck on the medical MWM,

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks 2Much. I appreciate it.

 

[SuZir]

That would make Jabber crazy. He literally says "I love you" multiple times every day; before he goes to work, every time we speak on the phone, before we go to sleep at night.

These are those interesting, though very superficial cultural differences. The thing itself; loving someone, falling in love, romantic feelings, is basic humanity and same everywhere, but how it is shown can be very different in different cultures.

What you describe there is something I would feel very phony and would likely suspect something is going on, if my husband would tell he loves me all the time. Of course, if he would be from different culture and I would know it is just something he does, I would keep that in my mind, but basic instinct would be that there is something wrong if he needs to try to convince someone so much. In fact, I know some people who are in multicultural marriages and these type of communication differences can really do a number, because even when you know it just difference in communication, it really doesn't take that gut feeling away totally.

We just don't use whole 'love' word much in our language. Nowadays, due watching to many Hollywood romantic movies, youngsters feel it is appropriate to tell their boy- and girlfriends that they love them, but still many try to get around the using actual word for it, and all the seriousness that word means us, by using English or some other language to say it. In fact they have made a loanword from 'love' by making it more appropriate to use in our language and use that instead the actual word.

I guess we tend to use the actual word for our kids when they are very young, I mean they all know the word and about only people who you meet who easily tell they love someone are still using diapers or were very recently. After they know the concept and know they are loved, we just wean using the word off and resort to same 'show, not tell' tactic we use with other people when it comes to love. And when we absolutely have to say it, we most of the time get around it by telling people they are important, or that sometimes they are rather lovely or that we kind of like them or at the most that they are loved. But mostly we just show it, with small everyday gestures, deeds and non-verbal communication.

He also likes his PDA's ... we hold hands, we smootch in public (pecks, not tongues ) Not too long ago people thought we were newlyweds when we'd been married years.

In this we are also very reserved. "Affectionate gestures of private nature belong to private situations" as a rule was formulated in my old High School to prohibit kissing and sitting on someone's lap in school corridors during recess.

 

[InsaneCdn]

"Affectionate gestures of private nature belong to private situations" as a rule was formulated in my old High School to prohibit kissing and sitting on someone's lap in school corridors during recess

And I vote that our high schools could really use this rule.

 

[Lil]

These are those interesting, though very superficial cultural differences. The thing itself; loving someone, falling in love, romantic feelings, is basic humanity and same everywhere, but how it is shown can be very different in different cultures.

Well of course it is...love is love. It's a basic human condition.

I do see how using it so much could seem like it cheapens the word somehow. In truth, I can't say it never bothered me. There was a time that I'd think, "Yeah, yeah, I know." (If you read this...sorry Baby...I got over it.) It almost felt like...saying "Bless you" when someone sneezes...just something you say without thinking about it. But that's not him...he means it. I mean it.

In a way, it's kind of like if we hang up the phone and a meteor hits his building...I want the last words I've said to him to be to tell him I love him.

By the same token, our son has picked up the habit and half the time he says it and I think, "No. You don't." and that's the worst feeling in the world.

many try to get around the using actual word for it, and all the seriousness that word means us, by using English or some other language to say it.

Wow. Does that sound like teenagers or what? "If I say it in another language it doesn't really count." lol

And I vote that our high schools could really use this rule.

Absolutely. Good thing Jabber and I didn't meet in school.

 

[SuZir]

Wow. Does that sound like teenagers or what? "If I say it in another language it doesn't really count." lol

Well, to be fair, words have different connotations in different language even when they translate the same. For example, based of things I have hears and read, it is possible to say in English that you love ice cream or that you love certain band or sport team or something similar. With our word for 'love' that would simply feel really weird (or if you have teenage imagination little dirty.) Around here we would 'like' ice cream or the artist. Our word for 'love' only has that 'till the death do us part' and 'I would literally die for you' meaning, not the lighter meaning that English word seems to have in addition of that earth shattering meaning. (Okay that didn't make much sense, did it?)

English word love seems to have two meanings to me. First is that deep, earth shattering feeling that changes everything and second, separate meaning is, that you really like of fancy something. Our word for love only have that first meaning and that is why English word gets loaned by our teens.

 

[Lil]

Fascinating, really, and makes perfect sense. I love discussions like this.

See what I did there?

People say English is really hard to learn and I'd imagine that's part if the reason, we have so many words with duel meanings...along with the lovely problem of "hear and here" and "their, their and there".

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[cubsgirl]

I flew home from Central America on Valentine's Day so only got to see husband for a few minutes on V-day. He bought Fannie May candy but that's about it - we are affectionate with each other on every day.

 

[2much2recover]

SuZir, I am curious to what culture you come from? You are right about the difference, I couldn't imagine NOT telling those I love that I do in fact love them. For me, at least, I feel it keeps our bond strong to hear those 3 sweet words on a regular basis. I would go as far to say that not only do I love my husband I am deeply IN LOVE with him, still, after 26 years together.

 

[TerryJ2]

Apple and JKF, feel better!
You can celebrate next weekend.

 

[Farmingmom]

Interesting to read about how other cultures view terms of endearment, PDAs and whatnot. I totally get it, having come from a family wherein my Dad doesn't do 'mushy stuff.' He does big things...the kind of jaw-dropping surprises that take your breath away - and he's really good at that. Saying "I love you?" Yeah, not really his thing. Drove me nuts when I was younger, but now I appreciate it. When he does say it, it means something. That moment sticks with you. I can tell you the stories behind each time he has managed to say it over the last 30 years...and I cherish those memories all the more.

On the flip side, hubby and I always ended every conversation, every parting, every text/phone call with "I love you." I am beyond grateful for that.

The night he died, we were having an argument before he left for work. We had switched cars because he needed more room for something he was doing at work. I drove his truck before he left and told him something in the front end was making a weird noise. He was pressed for time and wouldn't take a minute to look at it before he left. I pushed, he got aggravated and drove it around the block, just to get me to quit nagging. He was in such a grumpy mood (he had a tooth ache and was just getting over the flu.)

Long story short, we had a less-than-warm-and-fuzzy conversation, just before he got in my SUV to leave. Part of me wanted to say ugly things, but I didn't. He kissed me good-bye and said "I love you." I said the same, then watched him walk to his car. I muttered "a-hole" under my breath as he opened the car door - far out of his earshot. (He blew me off about the truck and said it was just the brakes and he'd fix it that evening.) As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I regretted it. I remember thinking, and can still see him sliding into the driver's seat, that he wasn't really an , he was just grumpy and running late. I remember thinking, for some strange reason, that you should never let bad feelings be what ends a conversation - you never know what might happen in a day.

Little did I know that would be the last conversation we ever had.

The first few months after the accident were a living hell for me, with the nights being the absolute worse. There were days when the only threads I had to hold onto were that he never knew what hit him and that the last words he ever heard from me were "I love you."

It could have been much worse. We could have continued to argue and said mean things, never knowing it would be our last conversation. It was a fine line between having our last conversation be ugly, or having our last words be "I love you." I am beyond grateful, even all the years later, that we chose endearment over arguing.

Oh, and now I'm able to grin about the argument we did have. I had to take his truck to the shop the same day he died. The noise I heard turned to crunching on the way to the hospital. When my best friend's husband (a mechanic) got the truck into his shop later that night? A bearing literally fell out onto the floor in a bunch of pieces as he took the front tire off.

All I could do was stand there, looking at all of those little chunks of metal, and laugh. I was right...about the truck, about Hubby's need to listen to me and not blow it off, and about the conscious decision to stick to "I love you" always being our last words to each other, no matter what.

I know there are times we said it without thinking. I know there are times we meant it more than others. But the simple truth is, I found comfort in knowing that the last thing he ever heard come out of my mouth was "I love you," in spite of us being irritated with each other.

 

[2much2recover]

I know there are times we said it without thinking. I know there are times we meant it more than others. But the simple truth is, I found comfort in knowing that the last thing he ever heard come out of my mouth was "I love you," in spite of us being irritated with each other.

Hugs to you and sorry to hear you lost your beloved husband.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Farmingmom, thank you for sharing that story, it is so poignant........I am sorry for such a huge loss........my husband and I met later in life so perhaps the sense of "forever" is different for us, we are very aware of the passage of time and that each moment brings a preciousness and importance........we tell each other " I love you" throughout the day. It means a lot to me and I feel much gratitude for him and for the ease in which those endearments are shared.

 

[Lil]

I know there are times we said it without thinking. I know there are times we meant it more than others. But the simple truth is, I found comfort in knowing that the last thing he ever heard come out of my mouth was "I love you," in spite of us being irritated with each other.

Farmingmom...I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's exactly why we always end every call, text and email with "I love you".

 

[SuZir]

Farmingmom: I'm sorry for your loss. You are right that, when really bad things happen, it can mean a lot, how was that last communication before it. If the last words were angry or mean, it caan feel very bad for the long time even though we all know, that some every day tiff doesn't change how we feel about each others.

People say English is really hard to learn and I'd imagine that's part if the reason, we have so many words with duel meanings...along with the lovely problem of "hear and here" and "their, their and there".

I don't know how hard any given language is to learn (it depends mostly how similar or different it is from your native language, I think), but I have to say that from the languages I have studied, English has been easiest for me. I have heard a saying that English is easy to learn to the certain point but very difficult to fully master. But to be honest, when you are learning foreign language, you don't need to learn it perfectly. There is little point even try to learn to speak like local (and you can't if you haven't lived in the country there they speak the language from before you turn about ten.) Much less is needed to be able to communicate and use the language for work and pleasure. For example I'm fully capable reading not only English news papers etc. but also scientific texts in English. When I need to write something more formal, I can write it and use a translator to proofread. That is already workable English skills even though far from perfect.

When your own language (or in my case, languages) are rare, learning foreign languages is just as important than learning for example maths. In fact in our schools foreign languages take from one third to half of the class time. Learning new languages also comes easier, when you already know few. But still, every language has it's difficulties. I personally have had issues with five different s's and vast grammar of Russia, wrapping my brains around the Spanish preterite (and I'm still lost with that one, but my Spanish is in very tourist level), being first too lazy to learn the genders of German words and then being totally screwed when accusative and dative came along and so on (please do not ask me pronounce French either.) And I do know I would be totally over my head with Chinese and different tones changing the meanings of the words.

Interesting to read about how other cultures view terms of endearment, PDAs and whatnot. I totally get it, having come from a family wherein my Dad doesn't do 'mushy stuff.' He does big things...the kind of jaw-dropping surprises that take your breath away - and he's really good at that. Saying "I love you?" Yeah, not really his thing. Drove me nuts when I was younger, but now I appreciate it. When he does say it, it means something. That moment sticks with you. I can tell you the stories behind each time he has managed to say it over the last 30 years...and I cherish those memories all the more.

For us it is not even the big things, or maybe sometimes, but small every day gestures and deeds that convey that love. For example this week my husband has turned outside lights on, when it was became dark and he knew I would be soon coming home. He did the groceries this week and the store we 7use had run out of the sourmilk product I like, he went to two others so he could find it for me. When he knew I would need to drive a longer distance for work, he took my smaller and not so fun to drive car for work and left his bigger and safer for me to take a trip. When I mentioned at Tuesday, that I hadn't had so much fun skiing because the waxing of my skiis was off, he had waxed them for me when I came home Wednesday and turned the sauna on, even though he was leaving for the night but I was skiing and he knew I would enjoy going to sauna when I would come home. He has also put his hand on my back or shoulder, given me a small push to point something fun for me , looked at me in the loving way etc. And of course not to forget those 'affectionate gestures of private nature.' I mean, really small things, but to me each and everyone says he loves me. And for us that is enough most of the time.

Other example of this comes from my difficult child. He was once interviewed and one of the topics asked was something to which the 'right answer' was to tell how grateful he is that I and his dad have supported his career and been there to cheer him on. He gave that 'right answer' (which is total sports jargon and in itself meaningless, even those who may have a total dead beat parent often choose to toe the line and express gratitude for them, because not doing so would just draw unnecessary attention; the reporter probably doesn't know, care or check if you even have parents, so easiest way is to give an answer they expect), but they he elaborated it tells about those small, everyday deeds that we take as a sign of love. He mentioned how when he was young and they had trips to away games and tournaments and bus often left very early or right after school and parents car pooled to get them to the team bus, so often he backed his stuff and left home when no one else was home or awake, but that in the fridge there was always packed sandwiches with the note for good luck waiting for him. (Yes, hearing him say that in the radio did make me feel rather warm and fuzzy )

We tend to feel, that showing the love is enough. You actually have to say it only very occasionally.

 

[Lil]

SuZir, I would never have guessed you not to be a native English speaker by your writing.