Mother’s Day?

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
New Leaf, I am soooo happy!!!

This is a great outcome and even if Tornado does not get it together, he is with his auntie!

Wonderful outcome!!!
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Dearest New Leaf

Have been out of town for a few weeks and just catching up.

Your post was heart wrenching and I so remember reading your posts when I was in the thick of it with my own son. It was like you reached into my mind and heart and put the words on paper that I was unable to. You were so monumental in helping me get through the torture that I went through with our son.

I am so happy to hear that the baby is with his auntie and will be with his family. That is the silver lining here isn't it!!

I honestly don't know why some of us suffer so much more in this life than others do and I know that all of us here are among the ones that have suffered the most. I am hoping that our rewards will be great some day.🌈🌈

Prayers for your healing and strength. Miss seeing you here. Please keep us up to date on your family. xoxo
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Good Morning New Leaf. I'm thinking of you and hoping things are resolving, clearing, stabilizing, settling. Which is to say, I hope you are okay. Love Copa
Morning Copa. We will be okay, one day at a time.
I am so happy to hear that the baby is with his auntie and will be with his family. That is the silver lining here isn't it!!
Hello RN, thank you so much for checking in. I went yesterday and picked up a mini crib we found on marketplace. The family who sold it also pitched in a playpen, that was so nice of them. I called a friend who works in an agency that helps in these situations and she provided Hoku with formula, diapers, a car seat and stroller, so we are feeling extra blessed. There is a silver lining and I am so grateful.
I honestly don't know why some of us suffer so much more in this life than others do and I know that all of us here are among the ones that have suffered the most. I am hoping that our rewards will be great some day.
I don’t know why either, RN. I suppose the reward is in the overcoming of it, regardless of what our wayward children choose.
Prayers for your healing and strength. Miss seeing you here. Please keep us up to date on your family. xoxo
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and prayers. I am glad to be back amongst people who understand the challenges we face.
Thinking of you and your family New Leaf.
Thank you Copa. Hoku and family were over last night and baby looks good, although noticeably stressed. He has the biggest smile and when I approached him, I swear he remembered me. It was so good to hold him again. Hoku is able to text his former caregiver with any questions she has and that is good. She breast-fed her little one, so bottle feeding is a new learning curve. Hoku is busy at work preparing for students graduation (she teaches hula at a cultural based charter school). Fortunately, she is able to bring baby to work with her, so he will be able to bond a little quicker. We are blessed to have some resources coming in with baby items, diapers and clothes. The rest will be love, patience, and time for baby to get used to his new family. He was a bit fussy last night and I had this sadness and then anger well up in me. I had to go outside and take a breather. I am so mad at his mother. I know that doesn’t do anybody any good, but it is true.
I am so thankful that Hoku took this upon herself. Baby will be immersed in her hula world, the songs and dance of his people, the rituals, chants, rich colors of vibrant garb, lei making and festivities. Her daughter is attending a Hawaiian language preschool and is well along her way to learning to be bilingual. Baby will have the same opportunity if the arrangement continues. That will be decided by whether or not his mother steps up and the courts. So, uNeil then we will take this day by day and love and cherish him.
I shall have to keep a keen eye on my granddaughter as I know she is going through a lot of different emotions.
By the grace of God, we shall get through this together.
I hope Hoku was able to get some rest. I know day by day baby will come round and develop a routine. There will be an adjustment period for all of us.
Much love to you all and mahalo nui for your prayers.
New Leaf
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Awe your post brought tears to my eyes hearing how the little one will be with his auntie and learn his culture.

I know it will all be alright now. There is a reason that all of this happened. Not sure what or why but someday you'll know.

God has a plan for everything.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Awe your post brought tears to my eyes hearing how the little one will be with his auntie and learn his culture.
It is a good thing RN. Baby went to work with Hoku yesterday. The hard part now is that he is stressed from the separation from his mother and the stimulation from new surroundings is going to be challenging. Her work will be finished on Saturday after the graduation, so they can settle into a routine. Poor little guy had his 4 month checkup complete with shots and blood draw to check his platelet count. He was hospitalized at two months due to an infection that caused a severe drop in platelets and red blood cells. He is very blessed to have survived that. They even did a marrow biopsy to check for leukemia. Sigh. This baby has been through so much in such a short span. He was inconsolable last night for quite some time and Hoku was besides herself. He finally quieted down and took a bottle then slept. It will be a journey until he knows he is in a safe place.
I know it will all be alright now. There is a reason that all of this happened. Not sure what or why but someday you'll know.
There is a reason. We are all going through a challenging time, glad baby is safe, worried and angry at the same time about Tornado.
God has a plan for everything.
He does. We shall have to pray very hard and lean on our faith. My granddaughter has been quiet, there must be so much going on in her heart and mind. I am trying to help her, but she has a wall up.
I sat outside this morning gazing at the stars and was flooded with that awful memory of Tornados last exodus from my home. I realized how much it still affects me, remembering that heightened level of stress, while still having to function. Everyone has challenges in life, but dealing with drug addicted love ones is on a level that unless someone’s lived it, I don’t think others can truly comprehend. I’m an adult and my stomach still churns when those memories appear. I can only imagine what my three grands have been through.
I hope that this little one does not have to endure the same. Tornado called on the day the SW went to visit Hoku. That’s a week and a half after having baby removed. Off the radar. I would have been going bonkers being away from my child. She sounded pretty ragged, said she had been sick. Who knows? With her track record, I can only assume that she is off the wagon, soothing herself by getting high. If that is the case and that remains her choice, I hope she loves this baby enough to let him go. That’s awful to write but it is the truth. Please don’t put another child through this horror.
I am rambling, this has tapped into so many layers of memories.
I have to find time to regroup and recover once again.
I will be okay. I realize I have ptsd. My grands do. I have to find a way to help my granddaughter. I have one more week until I retire. I am glad to be able to have more time to be with her.
Sorry for the venting. This is my early morning mind trying to sort things out.
Wishing for peace for all of us.
Leaf
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
New Leaf

Great news that you are retiring soon! I cannot wait for that day also but hate to wish my life away.

NO ONE knows what loving an addict is like until they go through it. Truth.

Obviously Tornado still not thinking straight and not thinking about others including new baby and yes she needs to let him go. Not fair to him or anyone. I'm sure in time he will settle in. He has been through a lot in his four months on this earth.

Wasn't your grandson living with you or your son? Can't remember...how is he doing?
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hi new leaf. My computer broke and on a cell. Just want to say I'm here and reading along and hope new laptop comes soon. I'll write at length then.

I feel so bad for the baby's discomfiture and distress, for you, your granddaughter and Hoku. I am mad at tornado.

So much suffering. I just don't know what to say.

It's like everybody is left to suffer and pick up the pieces. Everybody is left In pieces and broken. Having to mend. Innocents all of you. Just Innocents left in her wake because you love her and her children. I am so sorry new leaf. Much love, Copa
 
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New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Great news that you are retiring soon! I cannot wait for that day also but hate to wish my life away.
That’s what motivated me to make this move, with the uncertainty of this pandemic, coupled with stresses in my life, I just knew I had to find a way to simplify. It is not the best decision financially speaking, but I shall just have to budget more carefully. It is time that I am focused on and quality of life.
Obviously Tornado still not thinking straight and not thinking about others including new baby and yes she needs to let him go. Not fair to him or anyone. I'm sure in time he will settle in. He has been through a lot in his four months on this earth.
I am coming round to being thankful that we were able to see the part of her that I wish to remember. When sober, she can be a good mother. I am working on being grateful for that glimpse, those few moments. Unfortunately, the draw of street life overcame those latent instincts of nurturing. Impulsive behavior is a hallmark of meth, and I am wondering if she fell off the wagon in rehab. She told me one time that drugs are everywhere, even in rehab, so one can only wonder. But, my focus has to switch to helping my granddaughter recover this latest blow, and supporting Hoku however I can. Baby is settling a little more each day, and they are learning how to calm him. There is no middle ground, he goes from zero to ten. They have to figure out his needs before he reacts. That is part of his prenatal drug exposure, as well as the separation. Hopefully in time, he will know that his needs will be met and be a bit calmer. When he is not stressed, he is quite the engaging little soul, cooing, babbling and smiling. That’s a good sign.
Wasn't your grandson living with you or your son? Can't remember...how is he doing?
Two summers ago, I became the caregiver for my three grands, two teenaged boys and my granddaughter. My son was dorming at the university. The boys were okay at first, but the trauma they endured put a dark cloud over the house. I could not help them. It’s a long story, but that ended up with a paternal aunt who along with her boyfriend have been able to help the boys process and grow. My granddaughter decided to stay with me, and I am her legal guardian after a year of non involvement from Tornado and her father. It’s been a long road, there is still much to do to help these young adults find themselves through the pain. When their mother advanced in rehab, they were given a choice to visit and they saw her for the first time in five years. While they were happy to visit with her and baby, that definitely triggered them. With this development, they are struggling again to readjust. That’s where my anger flares, that their hopes are once again dashed. But, as we all know, addiction rears it’s ugly head and it is our job to understand the machinations of it, and not go down the rabbit hole. Son has been back at home since Covid hit. He is doing well.
Thank you RN for following along. I hope your son continues to make progress!
Just want to say I'm here and reading along and hope new laptop comes soon. I'll write at length then.
Oh no Copa, another computer glitch! Thank you for being here despite that. I have issues keyboarding on my cell, but check in at work sometimes so have learned to be patient with myself.
I feel so bad for the baby's discomfiture and distress, for you, your granddaughter and Hoku. I am mad at tornado.
Me too, Copa. Although I want Tornado to apply herself with services, I can’t help but think this baby has a far better chance at life where he is. God forgive me. It seems drug addicted mother’s are given so many chances to pull it together for “the baby’s sake”, but really, how much do children have to suffer? I would think that a positive test for prenatal drug use would be a clear indication of what’s down the road. The fact that a child suffers health risks and damage before birth is so wrong on so many counts already. Then, what capacity does an addicted mother have to deal with the extra nurturing these babies need as well as developmental delays?
So much suffering. I just don't know what to say.
It is a sad reality.
It's like everybody is left to suffer and pick up the pieces. Everybody is left In pieces and broken. Having to mend. Innocents all of you. Just Innocents left in her wake because you love her and her children. I am so sorry new leaf. Much love, Copa
It is okay Copa, we will get through this, we have to. I am feeling a bit better about my resolve not to house Tornado. I think my voice of reason was correct to override the emotional “rescue” voice from my heart. A lot of my acceptance has to do with Hoku embracing her nephew, the comfort in knowing he will be well cared for with family is immeasurable. That coupled with the days slipping by that Tornado continues to stay off the radar is indicative to me that we would have been faced with chaos in my home if I had chosen to take Tornado in. It still hurts, but I have to move from the pain of it, to proactively helping my grands cope.
It is the weekend and there is much to do. I thank you so much for your support. It has once again helped me tremendously to ride out this latest storm.
Much love,
New Leaf
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
New Leaf,
Just wanted to let you know I'm still here and following your story and sending my best. I have been very busy this week and haven't had a chance to write long replies, but I'm still thinking of you.

I'm glad to hear that you are retiring. That will be one less thing on your plate, and you have such a lot at the moment. I think the pandemic has changed the way lots of us think about things. We have just placed our house on the market and will move to the country later this year. (We live in a seaside town, which is smallish but growing.) We're doing this so my husband can retire. We are still both relatively young (he's 54) and we had planned for him to work until sixty, but he hates his job, has to travel a lot with it and is stressed all the time. I'm worried for him. That stress, coupled with the stress of our Difficult Child is becoming too much. We're leaving in search of a simpler life. I work from home and don't plan on retiring but nevertheless I think our pace of live will slow and I'm glad of that. It will be a stretch for us financially (which might help me to say no to Difficult Child when he next wants something!) but even though we will be financially worse off, I think it will be worth it. I'm sure it will be for you too.

Sorry to hear the baby is so distressed, but he will eventually thrive with Hoku's loving care. This transition stage is difficult, but it will pass and he will be so much better for it. If Tornado is not distressed enough by the separation to be seeking him out, I think that shows it is the best decision for all. She's clearly not in a place where she is capable of caring for another human being and needs to focus on herself.

I hope you can do the same - focus on keeping yourself well for the rest of the family, for Hoku who needs your love and moral support and for your granddaughter, and most importantly for you. You deserve some peace and happiness in your life.
 

Deni D

Well-Known Member
New Leaf, just want to let you know I'm here, and sending out love and peace to you and all of your family. Love to get through the tough times and peace hoping for soft, quiet, groundedness to feed your souls.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
I'm glad to hear that you are retiring. That will be one less thing on your plate, and you have such a lot at the moment. I think the pandemic has changed the way lots of us think about things. We have just placed our house on the market and will move to the country later this year. (We live in a seaside town, which is smallish but growing.) We're doing this so my husband can retire. We are still both relatively young (he's 54) and we had planned for him to work until sixty, but he hates his job, has to travel a lot with it and is stressed all the time.
Hi Miss Lulu, I have been so looking forward to retirement, especially since Covid came about. One of the questions posed towards taking social security early is “how long is your life expectancy?” That is important to ponder when trying to figure out the rest of your life finances, but really, who knows? When I started wishing away those five days of work for the weekend, I knew I had to make a move. I’m glad your husband is able to retire as well. Being so stressed is not good. I think when we get older we realize too that we don’t need so many “things” as much as we need peace of mind.
We're leaving in search of a simpler life. I work from home and don't plan on retiring but nevertheless I think our pace of live will slow and I'm glad of that. It will be a stretch for us financially (which might help me to say no to Difficult Child when he next wants something!) but even though we will be financially worse off, I think it will be worth it. I'm sure it will be for you too.
Definitely will be worth it! I can get to all of the projects I have been dreaming of!
Sorry to hear the baby is so distressed, but he will eventually thrive with Hoku's loving care. This transition stage is difficult, but it will pass and he will be so much better for it. If Tornado is not distressed enough by the separation to be seeking him out, I think that shows it is the best decision for all. She's clearly not in a place where she is capable of caring for another human being and needs to focus on herself.
It has only been a week and baby is settling in. Hoku has a lot of support with her boyfriend and baby has bonded with him instantaneously. Their four year old is excited to have baby with them. They have all figured out that a solid schedule helps, knowing what baby needs before he reacts has calmed him day by day.
I hope you can do the same - focus on keeping yourself well for the rest of the family, for Hoku who needs your love and moral support and for your granddaughter, and most importantly for you. You deserve some peace and happiness in your life.
I do so hope that Tornado finds her light. She is off the radar again, so I give that to God. Worrying over my two wayward daughters does no good. They will choose as they do. It is an effort to put that in the back corner of my thoughts, but you are right, I need to focus on raising my granddaughter and helping Hoku. It is a joy to be with my well children and grands.Thank you so much for your kindness.
New Leaf, just want to let you know I'm here, and sending out love and peace to you and all of your family. Love to get through the tough times and peace hoping for soft, quiet, groundedness to feed your souls.
Hi Deni, thank you so much. Soft, quiet groundedness sounds heavenly. Every day that goes by helps to soothe the pain of Tornados choices. I suppose I should be somewhat used to that rollercoaster, but it is still a shock to my system. I am so thankful to have my family who understands, and of course you folks here. I am forever grateful for the comfort and gentle guidance!
Much love and peace to all.
New Leaf
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Hi Leafy,
I just want to let you know that I am reading along and wishing you and your family much peace and many blessings in the face of these new challenges.

I am so sorry you and yours are continuing to suffer the fallout from Tornado’s bad choices, but my goodness, Leafy...how very fortunate your grands are to have you and Hoku to anchor them in such grace and love.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Albie, oh it’s so good to hear from you dear friend. I hope all is well with you. Thank you so much for your encouragement.
The extreme disappointment and hurt of Tornados latest chapter has subsided a bit. I guess that’s why I felt so wary of engaging again while she was at rehab. That’s the sad part of addiction, the roller coaster ride has taught me to keep my guard up. Yet, I was so hopeful that maybe this time she would escape meths grip. The reality is that she was on the streets up until a week before giving birth, I can’t for the life of me fathom being out on the streets in that condition and using drugs.
Baby has really bonded with Hoku. We watched him for a few hours while she and her boyfriend went out to dinner. He was good with us, but obviously looking for her. When they returned he was so happy. I am hoping with her love and good care, that he will overcome whatever side effects of his exposure may be.
We are all in a sort of limbo, wishing for Tornado to come out of this darkness, but at the same time, hoping she has the sense to let her sister raise this child.
Day by day.
sigh.
Take care dear Albie, stay well!
Love and hugs,
Leafy
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Crayola. I am very sad that Tornado did not take the opportunity that was held out for her. I would imagine after living in the streets for so long it would seem daunting to re-enter society. There are supports in place to help, job training, housing, etc. Unfortunately meths grip has superseded what natural inclination a mother would have towards protecting their unborn child, birthing and raising them. Tornado made a comment at rehab that she left her three children because she knew she was not in a good place and did not want to drag them down with her. So, yes, maybe her “sacrifice” is born of love, but unfortunately, not love of self, which is so tantamount to well being. I asked her how she could live on the streets and she said that there are no rules, it is hard, but “freeing” and a selfish choice fueled by drugs. Sigh.
It is a difficult time for all of us, wanting stability for this beautiful baby, but also hoping Tornado will step up. In the mean time we just have to go day by day.
The SW has informed Hoku there is a court case on Friday. The SW has to try to locate Tornado to see if she will accept services to reunify with baby. We have not heard from her, which is typical when she is on the streets.
This is hard.
Thank you for your kindness.
New Leaf
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
My son's birth mother was a cocaine addicted prostitute
She gave custody to her mom. Sadly, grandma died two years later very suddenly. So, he was in state care for a few weeks, and we got him. We tell him it wasn't that she chose drugs over him, but that she loved him enough to give him up because she knew she couldn't really be a parent. Grandma did an amazing job with him while she was alive. He was born addicted. I don't think he would be as well adjusted if it hadn't been for her. He doesn't have a conduct disorder, but a severe depression and anxiety disorder. I don't know if it's from the trauma he went through when he was born.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Sadly, grandma died two years later very suddenly. So, he was in state care for a few weeks, and we got him. We tell him it wasn't that she chose drugs over him, but that she loved him enough to give him up because she knew she couldn't really be a parent. Grandma did an amazing job with him while she was alive.
Hi Crayola, thank you for sharing your experience. I think your perspective with your sons biological mom is spot on, I try to view Tornadoes choices similarly, but admittedly have a hard time framing all of this in that positive light, I am too connected to her history. Her older children have had such a difficult time growing up with two addicted parents. I am conflicted with the prospect of Tornado seeking to reunify with her baby, I want her to get well, to stop using, but can’t see another child being raised with so much instability. Of course I think of Hoku and her child, how tough it would be for them, if reunification becomes a reality. These are all things I have no control over, so I need to step back emotionally and take this day by day.
He was born addicted. I don't think he would be as well adjusted if it hadn't been for her. He doesn't have a conduct disorder, but a severe depression and anxiety disorder. I don't know if it's from the trauma he went through when he was born.
I’m so glad that your son had his grandmother from an early age. It’s so sad that she passed so soon.
I have read that though we don’t remember much of our life start before two, the body remembers. My grandson has adjusted in these past two weeks, but has moments where he is inconsolable. I hope that he will overcome whatever challenges he may face.
I am so sorry that your son suffers from anxiety and depression. It must be exacerbated by the difficulties we are living under with the pandemic. I hope and pray he will find peace.
I hope and pray we all do.
Hugs
New Leaf
 
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