Some things never change!!😪

[sooooo tired]

I havent visited this site for quite a while. I guess because my story never changes. I still haven't spoken to my eldest daughter in close to 5 years now. I havent seen my grandkids in close to 2 years. I feel guilty because as the mom I feel like its my job to try to reunite with them but then I think about how awful it was for so many years and I just have no desire to have that drama in my life anymore. I am married again and have a really wonderful husband and his family is so good to me. I still have my middle daughter and my son and one grandchild who treat me so very good. It just makes me sad around the holidays. My oldest obviously doesn't want to be found. She is not on any social media. I know she is still in town. I just hate that my grandkids think I have abandoned them.

 

[Copabanana]

Hello soooo tired

So wonderful that your life has taken such a wonderful turn, having married again to a nice man whose family is good to you; and that you have fine relationships with your other two children.

I think that sometimes acceptance is the best thing we can do for ourselves and others. I think I get the pain, concern and worry you feel about your grandkids and the fear they believe you've abandoned them.

I think that when your thoughts go there and stay, you are abandoning yourself, and taking responsibility for events and choices that were not yours. Your daughter has made a series of decisions that have impacted greatly everybody--you, her children, and herself, at minimum. For these she is responsible; not you. As the parent of her children, she has 100 percent control within the law.

In my own experience what you describe is common, unfortunately, where children are at the effect of parents--their bad behavior, their bad choices, their self-centeredness. I know that I was one of these children. I believe it is the human condition.

What we do have control over is our responses to these events. How much we allow ourselves to dwell on these things over which we have no control; and our thoughts about the why, the how, and the how come. All of these lead us to a bad place and often to self-punishment, that we don't deserve. This too is the human condition, but we don't have to go there or at the very least we don't have to stay there.

Of course, these are only my own thoughts, which may or may not be helpful or even true. But they are true for me.

I am glad you came back and posted. Take care. It is not your fault.

 

[sooooo tired]

Hello soooo tired

So wonderful that your life has taken such a wonderful turn, having married again to a nice man whose family is good to you; and that you have fine relationships with your other two children.

I think that sometimes acceptance is the best thing we can do for ourselves and others. I think I get the pain, concern and worry you feel about your grandkids and the fear they believe you've abandoned them.

I think that when your thoughts go there and stay, you are abandoning yourself, and taking responsibility for events and choices that were not yours. Your daughter has made a series of decisions that have impacted greatly everybody--you, her children, and herself, at minimum. For these she is responsible; not you. As the parent of her children, she has 100 percent control within the law.

In my own experience what you describe is common, unfortunately, where children are at the effect of parents--their bad behavior, their bad choices, their self-centeredness. I know that I was one of these children. I believe it is the human condition.

What we do have control over is our responses to these events. How much we allow ourselves to dwell on these things over which we have no control; and our thoughts about the why, the how, and the how come. All of these lead us to a bad place and often to self-punishment, that we don't deserve. This too is the human condition, but we don't have to go there or at the very least we don't have to stay there.

Of course, these are only my own thoughts, which may or may not be helpful or even true. But they are true for me.

I am glad you came back and posted. Take care. It is not your fault.

Thank you so much for your reply. This site has gotten me through some really hard times. You ladies are the best!
I hope you enjoy the holidays as best you can. Thanks again!!

 

[RN0441]

Sometimes we have to make peace with things we cannot change or control. It is very hard but it is critical to our own well being.

I have learned this in my own life. Our kids are all good now (thank God) but I have estranged family on my side and husband's side. We try not to let it steal our joy because we cannot control other people. We can love them from afar and just leave it at that.

That is what we have decided to do, but yes the holidays makes you think about all the "what if's".

It sounds that in spite of your oldest, you have many many blessings.

God Bless & Happy Holidays!

 

[Acacia]

I havent seen my grandkids in close to 2 years. I feel guilty because as the mom I feel like its my job to try to reunite with them but then I think about how awful it was for so many years and I just have no desire to have that drama in my life anymore.

Oh, how I can relate to this, and like you I haven't posted for a while because haven't changed for the better. My daughter cut me out of her life 3 years ago, so I have not seen her or my two grandchildren since then. I heard through the other grandparents that my daughter told my granddaughter that I don't care about her. Ouch. It hurts, but like you whenever I think about reaching out, I remember how unkind and abusive my adult daughter was to me, and how she expected me to rescue her financially. It triggers my PTSD.

It is especially sad during the holidays, but I will not have a relationship with anyone, even family, who treat me badly. As they say in program, "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." You are taking care of yourself, and that is a good thing. Be gentle with yourself.