Son in prison again

[Bettyboo44]

I received news today from my son’s girlfriend that my son is in prison as of earlier today. He’s in there for domestic abuse against her, the mother to their child (their beautiful child who witnesses this ). It’s the third time in 14 months that he’s in prison for the same thing.
So many emotions have been whirling around in my head today, sadness of what he’s capable of, anger that he keeps doing this and dread of that call again ‘do you accept call from ….’ and what this call entails, “can I put money in for canteen just to make life bit more bearable for him in an already unbearable situation”- these are the words he’s used so many times before, as in how could I possibly not!!
He’s 26 and relies heavy on drink and has done since he was a teenager. I’ve lost count of how many times he’s been in trouble with the law, how many jobs he’s lost, and homes he’s been evicted from.
Previously I did visit him in prison, answered the calls and did put money in but I feel like I’m in shock or something, cannot believe this is happening again and so soon, 2 months after he was released. I don’t want to entertain this anymore or just don’t know if I’m capable of doing it over and over again….the unpredictability of those calls (which are ridiculously regular, gets a phone in his cell!), the expectancy for money every single week, the day round trip it takes just for one visit- not cheap either. He always says same thing, that if I don’t help him who will, and every time he’s released -whether it’s a short stint in the cells or longer stay in prison him and his partner/ ex (I can’t keep up!) end up back together

 

[dreenameri]

Hello Betty and thank you for sharing.
When you spoke of that shock I knew exactly what you meant, or at least how that shock felt to me. A numb feeling of disbelief along with the shock. And I recognize the emotional string pulling for money, as it is so similar to what mine does. And then for you to to watch it all end up right back where it began. Knowing the two of them are back together and it won't last long. I cannot imagine how frustrated and weary you must be. I'm sorry I do not have any elegant words of wisdom because I have just found my way here but after doing a lot of reading here today, I do believe we are in the right place. Stay strong momma

 

[Bettyboo44]

Hello Betty and thank you for sharing.
When you spoke of that shock I knew exactly what you meant, or at least how that shock felt to me. A numb feeling of disbelief along with the shock. And I recognize the emotional string pulling for money, as it is so similar to what mine does. And then for you to to watch it all end up right back where it began. Knowing the two of them are back together and it won't last long. I cannot imagine how frustrated and weary you must be. I'm sorry I do not have any elegant words of wisdom because I have just found my way here but after doing a lot of reading here today, I do believe we are in the right place. Stay strong momma

You absolutely do have words of wisdom and I am beyond grateful for them. Like you, I’ve just joined on here today, and never posted on any forum before (I wasn’t sure I had posted it correctly!)
Also, it brings me such comfort knowing you can relate. However, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I truly hope you find what works for you in order to get through this and gain some solace in reading some of the invaluable advice on here. See I do believe there is light in all this darkness, and that because we are seeking it by searching for things that brought us here that we will find it

 

[Copabanana]

He always says same thing, that if I don’t help him who will,

He will help himself.

 

[Bettyboo44]

He will help himself.

I hear you, I really do (it’s not my responsibility to continuously help him at the drop of a hat, when he keeps making these life wrenching choices) and I truly appreciate your words .
I’ve had 21 missed calls from him today, in the space of 2 hours, and still calling as I type this, and a voicemail of disbelief that I’m ’ignoring’ him at his time of need. Ive read through this forum a lot since yesterday and for now, I’m going to take this time to try mind myself. Who knows I might answer tomorrow, but for now, for today, I’m not going to feel obligated

 

[Copabanana]

Can you turn off the phone?

 

[Bettyboo44]

I put it on silent. 32 calls in just over 3 hours!!!

 

[Fairy dust]

I am sorry you are going through this. I get some calls from my son which really trigger me. on the days where I am feeling emotionally vulnerable I j shut off my phone and don’t look at it. if someone needs me in a real emergency they can contact my partner. I think you need to take some time to process this news and take care of yourself. Something needs to change as the spin cycle seems to be on. If nothing changes things stay the same. Through counselling I finally learned to focus on my reactions and me first. That has helped a lot. Hugs and strength to you.

 

[Copabanana]

I put it on silent. 32 calls in just over 3 hours!!!

omg

This is disrespect. An absolute demonstration of uncaring how you are affected. Or even his wanting not only to manipulate you but to injure you. An absolute lack of boundaries and internal stops. He is unable or unwilling to self-soothe. This is an essential thing all of us need to learn. How to calm ourselves. How to know our needs and how to handle and channel them. We don't help our ADULT children by feeding into this. I know, I didn't.

 

[LetGo]

Hi Betty, I am sorry you are going through this and thank you for sharing. Hard as it is, we have to break their dependency cycle...dependency on us to meet their "needs". They really have to learn to do this for themselves. So, instead of thinking of it as you are ignoring him, you are allowing him to make and deal with his choices. At this point, you need to take care of yourself. I have learned this lesson the hard way, over a few times. It is worth the effort to step back.

 

[Bettyboo44]

I am sorry you are going through this. I get some calls from my son which really trigger me. on the days where I am feeling emotionally vulnerable I j shut off my phone and don’t look at it. if someone needs me in a real emergency they can contact my partner. I think you need to take some time to process this news and take care of yourself. Something needs to change as the spin cycle seems to be on. If nothing changes things stay the same. Through counselling I finally learned to focus on my reactions and me first. That has helped a lot. Hugs and strength to you.

Oh I’ve never even thought of it that way, as a ‘trigger’, but you’re so right, that’s exactly what it does…. It sets off these feelings of “oh no here we go again”,a sort of urgent predicament to answer, don’t answer, what will happen if I don’t, or even if I do, will I end up trying to ‘make everything okay’, have I the strength to say no. All these feelings just from the phone ringing! He won’t stop phoning, BUT I do not have to answer. I’ve decided to keep it on silent, as I feel if I turn it off, that I’ll crumble and answer when I turn it on.
I truly cannot thank you enough for sharing through your own experiences on ways to manage this, and I’ve taken what you said on board, been giving myself time to digest what’s happening once again, whilst taking every opportunity I can to mind myself, uninterrupted by constant demands and pleas, as I know what your saying, this cycle won’t change if I don’t do anything to change it.
Thank you so much, hugs and strength back

 

[Bettyboo44]

omg

This is disrespect. An absolute demonstration of uncaring how you are affected. Or even his wanting not only to manipulate you but to injure you. An absolute lack of boundaries and internal stops. He is unable or unwilling to self-soothe. This is an essential thing all of us need to learn. How to calm ourselves. How to know our needs and how to handle and channel them. We don't help our ADULT children by feeding into this. I know, I didn't.

This is so true, his view no doubt as it has been so many times before, is that I should be doing everything I can to help him as he’s the one suffering here. The notion it’ll be affecting me won’t even be a prospect in his head. What you said is so bang on, the only control he’ll have if I don’t answer is to try bully me in to answering. I’ve received texts off his girlfriend/ex (I don’t know which one she is today) stating he’s phoned her saying “he’s been trying to phone me all night to no avail” (like I wasn’t aware!) and that she’s only nervous that phoning her will get him in more trouble and that she understands that I might want to avoid this but that I’m all he has! Followed by another message saying she sent him money but that he’s desperately trying to get in touch with me. Fast forward to today, she sent another message to let me know she’s going to get in touch with his lawyer to try get him out, as this worked before. I’ve refrained from replying to any of these messages. I believe my restraint is undoubtedly thanks to the powerful amount of wisdom and advice that you and others have given to me on my post and I cannot possibly put in to words how grateful I am. What you said rings so much truth, about self soothing etc, and by me trying to do it for him is exhausting and your right, he won’t ever learn to if he doesn’t have to.

 

[Bettyboo44]

Hi Betty, I am sorry you are going through this and thank you for sharing. Hard as it is, we have to break their dependency cycle...dependency on us to meet their "needs". They really have to learn to do this for themselves. So, instead of thinking of it as you are ignoring him, you are allowing him to make and deal with his choices. At this point, you need to take care of yourself. I have learned this lesson the hard way, over a few times. It is worth the effort to step back.

I like the way you put it, thinking of it as allowing him to make and deal with his own choices, but I’m battling a little with the fact I’ve always been there pretty much instantly when things have gone wrong (which have been a lot of times) but that this time I’ve not had any contact for 4 days, as in is cutting contact completely for that length of time without reaching out in any way a bit harsh? Honestly the stepping back has made me feel strong, like I have a sense of control over the situation and I feel a calmness, like a sort of relief, but battling in my head that will he be confused at why the usual attentive mum has all of a sudden disappeared

 

[Copabanana]

is cutting contact completely for that length of time without reaching out in any way a bit harsh?

My intention is not to be harsh but to be direct. This is harsh: Your son beats his girlfriend. This is the 3rd time in recent months. His child witnesses it. He does so while inebriated. This is harsh: To batter you with phone calls all through the day or night, as if you are an extension of him, like another leg or arm.

will he be confused at why the usual attentive mum has all of a sudden disappeared

Perhaps. Confusion can lead to a change of thinking and behaving, which is what you want, don't you? What is it in you that finds it hard to let him feel what he needs to feel, and do what he needs to do, to take responsibility to change? The thing we learn (or don't) is that we are part of the problem. We need to change. We need to feel what we need to feel, and do what we need to do, to take responsibility to change. Ourselves.

This is reality: Your son is 26 years old. He is a father. He is behaving criminally. Over and over again. That he might feel a moment of confusion or even pain, is not the problem. It is the beginning of what's necessary to become an adult.

 

[MommaTried24]

I’ve not had any contact for 4 days, as in is cutting contact completely for that length of time without reaching out in any way a bit harsh? Honestly the stepping back has made me feel strong, like I have a sense of control over the situation and I feel a calmness, like a sort of relief,

Bettyboo44 I cut contact with my son for 3 years. It was honestly the best thing I ever did for myself. We are back in contact now but he's a whole hell of a lot more respectful as he's finally learned some respect and gratitude. I've made it clear, no drama. Well, we are having a little more drama now due to his medical condition but he's finally recognizing it and trying to do better at the moment.
Praying for you to stay strong! Know that you are not alone and we are here to provide moral support.

 

[Bettyboo44]

My intention is not to be harsh but to be direct. This is harsh: Your son beats his girlfriend. This is the 3rd time in recent months. His child witnesses it. He does so while inebriated. This is harsh: To batter you with phone calls all through the day or night, as if you are an extension of him, like another leg or arm.

Perhaps. Confusion can lead to a change of thinking and behaving, which is what you want, don't you? What is it in you that finds it hard to let him feel what he needs to feel, and do what he needs to do, to take responsibility to change? The thing we learn (or don't) is that we are part of the problem. We need to change. We need to feel what we need to feel, and do what we need to do, to take responsibility to change. Ourselves.

This is reality: Your son is 26 years old. He is a father. He is behaving criminally. Over and over again. That he might feel a moment of confusion or even pain, is not the problem. It is the beginning of what's necessary to become an adult.

I don’t think you’re being harsh, I think you’re simply relating back to me what I’ve said. I’m not sure my struggle is that of denying him to allow to feel what he needs to feel or do what he needs to do in order to change, but more my disrupt cut off of contact may be destructive?
I hear and see what you’re saying…he’s 26 , a father , behaving criminally over and over again . By my not having contact isn’t the issue because he’s the issue and only he can change that

 

[Bettyboo44]

Bettyboo44 I cut contact with my son for 3 years. It was honestly the best thing I ever did for myself. We are back in contact now but he's a whole hell of a lot more respectful as he's finally learned some respect and gratitude. I've made it clear, no drama. Well, we are having a little more drama now due to his medical condition but he's finally recognizing it and trying to do better at the moment.
Praying for you to stay strong! Know that you are not alone and we are here to provide moral support.

I truly hope I’m not being intrusive by asking when you cut contact, did you tell him ‘I’ve had enough’ etc? I only ask because I really do want to break ties for my sanity but feel like I should let him know/ is it cruel for me to just disappear? You said your son is doing better at the moment, after 3 years I truly hope he’s showing you that respect and gratitude you need and deserve? But more importantly are you okay?? The support I’ve got here is beyond incredible, it’s been lifesaving and I hope to give some moral support back! Much love strength and hugs to you

 

[Copabanana]

but more my disrupt cut off of contact may be destructive?

What I have had to face and it took me many years, is that my son's feelings and my feelings cannot be the drivers here. What has to be the driver (as far as I see it) is the right thing. And the right thing is that adults cannot be destructive to other people. They can choose to be destructive to themselves, but they cannot be destructive to other non-consenting adults. We as parents can either choose to be hurt or destroyed, and that is our right-or not.

I came to this forum 10 years ago. My intention was to save my son. I did not care what happened to me. I would do whatever it took, to help my son. Not.one.thing I did to help my son in reality helped him.

The only thing that stopped me from destroying myself, is that I went so far I almost didn't exist as myself. I hope you don't have to go so far down, as I did.

I have learned to save myself. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to. In so doing, I came to realize that the only thing that will save my child is MY CHILD. I have learned to say no before I say anything else. Is this kind? No. Does this hurt me? Sometimes. Does this hurt him? That is his business. In order to have a loving relationship with me, he MUST learn that entails not hurting me. And at this point 90% of contact with him hurts me.

I love my son. I want him to be okay. I want him to thrive. I want him to be productive. To have a purposeful life. I want him to live. I want him to be happy. All of those things are in my son's hands, not my own.

I believe my life has independent value. If that is true, I have to value myself. To value is a verb. A verb is an action. Every single action I take towards my son, and allow my son to take towards me, has to take into account my own worth, and my own value. How I feel, how he feels has nothing to do with it. That's my story, in a nutshell. PS (I have close to 10,000 posts on this forum. This took a lot of work.)

 

[MommaTried24]

I truly hope I’m not being intrusive by asking when you cut contact, did you tell him ‘I’ve had enough’ etc? I only ask because I really do want to break ties for my sanity but feel like I should let him know/ is it cruel for me to just disappear?

Bettyboo44 in 2020 my son had been in jail for 3 1/2 months. I told him several times (as I was accepting calls from jail) that he could come home one last time but there would be no drinking. The moment he drank, he would become homeless. He was home for two months and picked a fight to go drink. When he came back inebriated, I had locked myself in my bedroom. He came to my door and I told him goodnight I'd see him in the morning. I left for work that next day, asked my boss if I could leave at lunch and came home and told him to get his belongings that he was leaving. I drove him two hours to where his dad lived. He got in my face when we got there and I dropped him and his belongings in a McDonald's parking lot with his phone and $500. When I turned to leave he hit me. That was it. I deactivated my Facebook and blocked him from my phone.

It absolutely is not cruel to disappear. He's not an infant or a toddler. He's a grown man now. Time for him to see what it's like to make it on his own without Mom. Choices have consequences and as long as he knows he can keep running back to you, he will never be humbled and appreciate what he had when you were in his life. Mine lived with his dad for a year, lived with some guy for two years and has couch surfed the last year until he finally ended up homeless at the Nashville Rescue Mission for two weeks. That experience totally humbled him. The only reason I went and got him this time was because he was having some mental issues due to an epilepsy medication that had put him on and he had also jumped off of a balcony and severely injured his foot. He's been like a different person since he's been home. As soon as he heals and is off his crutches, he's going to a halfway house in Kentucky who is giving him a second chance. He was there six years ago and got kicked out. We shall see how it goes this time? I've already told him if you leave this time, you're done. I will not live this life with you. I'm 59 1/2 years old and I deserve to live the rest of my life without all of this drama and I mean it. He knows now that I really do mean it.

 

[LetGo]

I like the way you put it, thinking of it as allowing him to make and deal with his own choices, but I’m battling a little with the fact I’ve always been there pretty much instantly when things have gone wrong (which have been a lot of times) but that this time I’ve not had any contact for 4 days, as in is cutting contact completely for that length of time without reaching out in any way a bit harsh? Honestly the stepping back has made me feel strong, like I have a sense of control over the situation and I feel a calmness, like a sort of relief, but battling in my head that will he be confused at why the usual attentive mum has all of a sudden disappeared

I agree with Copabanana. I think it is in his best interest and yours, long term, for you to step back. No doubt he will be confused and maybe angry. But then he might think about why...maybe....and his thinking and behavior might shift. I am glad that you feel a better sense of control and calmness.