Still detached with love, and it's great

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LauraH, Nov 4, 2019.

  1. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    That's how I feel. My son is doing things to help himself (even while making unwise choices). But even at his best he's not much of a money manager. A couple of months ago he was visiting and didn't have enough money for gas to get back home. I loaned him the $15 (in the past I probably would have just given it to him). Since then he has not even mentioned that $15 let alone tried to repay it. So I won't loan him anything for the foreseeable future. Not long ago I went with him and a friend to an out of town event. The friend was dead broke and my son had about $20 in his pocket. He didn't realize that he would have to pay for parking (the same event in past years had free parking) so when I got hungry I bought sandwiches and soda for the three of us at the grocery store and we had a little picnic, and then I put gas in his car to get the friend and I back to Daytona and my son to St. Augustine. I'm not sure I would have done that if an empty gas tank meant I wouldn't be able to get home myself. i.e., if my son said "I need gas money, I'm stranded" and I was safely at home I would have let him work that out on his own. (Maybe lol)

    And to what you said, I will help my son in small ways (never again anything involving hundreds or thousands or dollars) as long as he is working towards providing a life for himself, which he seems to be doing. But although he's doing the right things to overcome the bad situation he's gotten himself in, I don't think I can be a participant in that. He alone made the decision to relapse and he alone made the decision to quit his job. I'm proud to see him working through all the consequences those two poor choices entails and I've told him so, but I won't bail him out. If he can bail himself out and get back on higher ground I think he will be very proud of what he can do on his own and keep pushing himself forward. At least that's my prayer.
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  2. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My son was in a situation with an infected this time last year. I found a dental plan through Delta Dental that sounded really good and was $20 a month. The only catch was that because the premiums were so low they required paying for a year upfront. We told my son, who had just started working at that time, that we would pay to enroll him but any copays were on him as well as renewing the coverage if he still wanted to keep it after the year was over. I know he's seen a dentist with that insurance because there is no charge for routine cleanings, exams, etc., but not sure what all work he has had done. The coverage should be ending sometime soon but he's eligible for benefits at this job in January so he may not need it anymore.
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I feel that we all make mistakes in life and certainly our difficult adult children do.

    I think the key indicator is that we learn from our mistakes. If we don't see them learning or doing something differently next time then there is no lesson learned and it's just a bad decision and stays as that rather than a learning moment in their lives.
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  4. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Thank you so much for this post. I needed to hear this today!

    The holidays are right around the corner. I suspected this would be a challenging time for me. You are so right, the neutral position is liberating, and I am grateful to you for the positive reinforcement.

    As for the money, I totally agree. Horrible to say about our DCs, but it is most likely bait. Riding that roller coaster was financially and emotionally draining.

    Ending on a good note, emotional detachment is letting your son make decisions for his life.

    Sending thoughts of healing and a positive outcome for all.
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    How old is your son Laura?

    My son just got a job at Dunkin Donuts. While it's not a great job, it is steady work and it is close to home. He will be starting a 2 year degree in January. He tried welding but found it was not for him although my husband wanted him to "just finish" the training he did not but he does have all the certifications that he needs to retake the last part so could go back and do it if he chooses but I feel that doing something he hates for a living is foolish unless he was in dire straights.

    As long as you are at peace with how your son is managing things that is all you can ask for. It really is up to him/them anyway isn't it? Our worry and fret helps no one. I am the QUEEN of worry and fret trust that!!

    These adult children that have dealt with addiction are really behind the eight ball when they decide to fly right. I wish I could fix it all but I cannot either. My son still struggles a lot with social anxiety and I wish I could make it all better for him but I hope that with time and maturity it will get better. I pray a lot too because that's what I do.