Still detached with love, and it's great

[LauraH]

Here's my opinion on this: if my daughter is doing well and helping herself- doing what she should, either working, going to school, whatever, then I don't mind doing some things to help her. For example, if she is in a good place and her car breaks down I am happy to pay half because she is doing what she needs to do, and this is something that will make her life a bit easier. When she is in a bad space- forget it. If she's not working or going to school, if she's drinking again and running around, if she's not maintaining housing I won't help her financially at all. To me, if your son is living in his car, that's his choice. If he really wants to get housing and have access to a shower he will save his earnings and figure it out. My daughter bounced around for awhile- homeless with a small child- and when she got sick of it she got a decent job, got on housing assistance and found a place to live. I guess I sort of live by the "reap what you sow" motto. If she's really trying to make her life better I don't mind giving her a hand, but if she's not then she's on her own. I feel like helping her when she's working and/or going to school is an investment in her future. Helping her when she's doing nothing is enabling that lifestyle and throwing money into an abyss, it's never ending.

That's how I feel. My son is doing things to help himself (even while making unwise choices). But even at his best he's not much of a money manager. A couple of months ago he was visiting and didn't have enough money for gas to get back home. I loaned him the $15 (in the past I probably would have just given it to him). Since then he has not even mentioned that $15 let alone tried to repay it. So I won't loan him anything for the foreseeable future. Not long ago I went with him and a friend to an out of town event. The friend was dead broke and my son had about $20 in his pocket. He didn't realize that he would have to pay for parking (the same event in past years had free parking) so when I got hungry I bought sandwiches and soda for the three of us at the grocery store and we had a little picnic, and then I put gas in his car to get the friend and I back to Daytona and my son to St. Augustine. I'm not sure I would have done that if an empty gas tank meant I wouldn't be able to get home myself. i.e., if my son said "I need gas money, I'm stranded" and I was safely at home I would have let him work that out on his own. (Maybe lol)

And to what you said, I will help my son in small ways (never again anything involving hundreds or thousands or dollars) as long as he is working towards providing a life for himself, which he seems to be doing. But although he's doing the right things to overcome the bad situation he's gotten himself in, I don't think I can be a participant in that. He alone made the decision to relapse and he alone made the decision to quit his job. I'm proud to see him working through all the consequences those two poor choices entails and I've told him so, but I won't bail him out. If he can bail himself out and get back on higher ground I think he will be very proud of what he can do on his own and keep pushing himself forward. At least that's my prayer.

 

[LauraH]

JayPee: I feel the same way regarding snow and trying to get around it safely. Thankfully, now I don't have to worry since I'm retired but I do remember many times driving home at night (with cateracts) when it was cold sometimes still snowing out. I'm so thankful now that I have a free, safe garage to park my car during the snow and no more night driving. I also want to add to your feelings about not helping your child or rescuing him/her when they are grown ups. An example for me was when my d.d. needed her wisdom teeth pulled and she had no insurance for that (neither did I) she asked me to pay. She wouldn't agree to repay me if I did pay. So, instead she'd tell me she was taking some medication to sleep because of the pain, etc. She manipulated me and I fell for it. After all, she was 21 years old. So, to keep her from the pain, I paid for the whole thing. I wished now I hadn't done that and instead made her face up to her responsibility of this bill and discuss options of payment with the dentist's secretary. If the dentist demanded the bill be paid after the surgery, then I would've paid but she wouldn't even agree to repay me. I had no insurance to cover for her dental work but I just couldn't let her suffer the pain.

My son was in a situation with an infected this time last year. I found a dental plan through Delta Dental that sounded really good and was $20 a month. The only catch was that because the premiums were so low they required paying for a year upfront. We told my son, who had just started working at that time, that we would pay to enroll him but any copays were on him as well as renewing the coverage if he still wanted to keep it after the year was over. I know he's seen a dentist with that insurance because there is no charge for routine cleanings, exams, etc., but not sure what all work he has had done. The coverage should be ending sometime soon but he's eligible for benefits at this job in January so he may not need it anymore.

 

[RN0441]

I feel that we all make mistakes in life and certainly our difficult adult children do.

I think the key indicator is that we learn from our mistakes. If we don't see them learning or doing something differently next time then there is no lesson learned and it's just a bad decision and stays as that rather than a learning moment in their lives.

 

[Blindsided]

My son told me today he has been relapsing pretty hard over the last 2 to 4 weeks and hasn't been working the NA or AA program at all. The good news for him is that he went to a meeting today after I don't know how long and he's checking into detox this evening. The good news for me is that I listened to what he had to say without judgment or emotion. I'm not apathetic but I'm neutral. Disappointed and worried, yes, upset and distraught, not at all. His addiction/recovery journey is his, not mine.

While I was typing this he asked me to wire him $15 to get a week's supply of his medications. I said no. $15 isn't much money and this is the first time he's asked me for any money in months. But I feel that if I had agreed he would see that as a signal to ask me for more and more and I'm not opening that door. He's in financial straits due completely to his own decisions, so he will have to figure out how to work his problems out on his own.

I feel so liberated! This detachment thing is wonderful!

Thank you so much for this post. I needed to hear this today!

The holidays are right around the corner. I suspected this would be a challenging time for me. You are so right, the neutral position is liberating, and I am grateful to you for the positive reinforcement.

As for the money, I totally agree. Horrible to say about our DCs, but it is most likely bait. Riding that roller coaster was financially and emotionally draining.

Ending on a good note, emotional detachment is letting your son make decisions for his life.

Sending thoughts of healing and a positive outcome for all.

 

[RN0441]

How old is your son Laura?

My son just got a job at Dunkin Donuts. While it's not a great job, it is steady work and it is close to home. He will be starting a 2 year degree in January. He tried welding but found it was not for him although my husband wanted him to "just finish" the training he did not but he does have all the certifications that he needs to retake the last part so could go back and do it if he chooses but I feel that doing something he hates for a living is foolish unless he was in dire straights.

As long as you are at peace with how your son is managing things that is all you can ask for. It really is up to him/them anyway isn't it? Our worry and fret helps no one. I am the QUEEN of worry and fret trust that!!

These adult children that have dealt with addiction are really behind the eight ball when they decide to fly right. I wish I could fix it all but I cannot either. My son still struggles a lot with social anxiety and I wish I could make it all better for him but I hope that with time and maturity it will get better. I pray a lot too because that's what I do.